The Visitors
by evitascarlett
Summary: A story from the Reflections/Redemption universe. Johanna Beckett receives a few visitors...the ghostly kind of visitors that is. Just a little Halloween-ish project in honor of the holiday; see authors note for more details. CastleHalloweenBash2016 entry.
1. Chapter 1

_Author's Note: This story takes place in frame of Redemption, but if you don't read this side story, you won't miss anything; this is just a fun little side project for me. I'm not spoiling major plot points for Redemption in this story. Also; you have to have read Reflections for this story to make total sense as it features characters and events from that story. If you don't like my Johanna centric pieces, this is not a story you'll enjoy. Again; if you haven't read Reflections and you don't like pieces about Johanna, turn back now. This side story is just for fun in the spirit of Halloween even though the story isn't set on the holiday, it does have 'ghostly' elements. There's no need to ruin the fun for the rest of us just because it isn't your cup of tea. To those of you coming along for the ride; I hope you'll enjoy it!_

Chapter 1- Worlds Collide

Johanna Beckett pulled her coat tightly against her chest, trying to ward off the cold air that assaulted her. The weatherman had said it was warmer than it had been the day before; she wasn't sure she agreed as she walked through the old church cemetery, clutching a bouquet of red Chrysanthemums in her hand. Of course it might be warmer if there was some sun, she mused as she picked her way along the path she had chosen as she headed toward the wrought iron fence at the far end of the property, stepping carefully to avoid the patches of ice and thin layer of snow that hadn't yet melted. The sky was grey; the clouds that spanned out across it looking as though they'd like to break free and dump any mixture of snow, sleet or rain that they held. She hoped they wouldn't; at least not until she had made it back home anyway.

She shivered in the eerie silence that seemed to envelope the old Catholic church cemetery; wondering if maybe her visit was a bad idea after all. A prickling sensation at the back of her neck made her feel like she wasn't alone; that someone was watching her every move. She glanced around subtly; her hands tightening on the flowers but the cemetery was void of visitors and the windows of the church were empty of prying eyes. Johanna brushed it off as yet another vestige of her paranoia as she stepped in front of the stones marked McKenzie. A cold breeze whipped around her, sending a few dried up brown leaves scrapping against the pavement that had been cleared of ice, making her jump and her heart thump wildly. "Get a grip," she murmured to herself. It was just old leaves; there wasn't anyone around…and if there was, she had a gun in her purse; it was loaded and she knew how to use it. She was fine.

She sighed softly, an old ache lingering in her soul as her eyes moved away from the landscape of the cemetery and fell upon the carving that spelled out her grandfather's name on the headstone. Patrick McKenzie hadn't always been the easiest man to get along with but she had loved him…and she knew that he had loved her too in the best way that he could. She separated the bouquet she held and kneeled down on the hard frozen ground, laying half of the red flowers in front of Patrick's stone.

"I know it's been a long time, Grandpa," Johanna murmured. "I'm sorry about that but I'm sure you probably understand. I've been wanting to come and talk to you for awhile now; but there's just been so much going on and so many people hounding me…I didn't want an audience while we talked…it would just be more proof they'd use to say I'm crazy and eccentric; or whatever it is they're calling me these days. I try not to read the newspaper too much anymore; it only upsets me…and Jim's taken to hiding it from me most days. I know you understand how I feel; you never liked anyone prying into your business either. I can just imagine what you'd say about that pack of vultures that follows me around whenever they get the chance to. I was lucky today; some celebrity is embroiled in a scandal and that gets them off my back for a few days."

She took a breath, feeling the weight that never seemed to ease from her shoulders as thoughts of the media attention and Bracken's fast approaching trial swept through her mind along with her troubles with reconnecting with some of her loved ones…and the wobbly relationship she and Katie seemed to have. "I didn't come to discuss all that; it's far too depressing. I came here, Grandpa, to thank you for the box of my grandmother's belongings, especially her diaries. It kind of fills some of the void in that area…I just wish it hadn't taken so long for me to get it. That wasn't your fault though; I know you meant for me to have it long before now…but maybe it was supposed to be this way. Maybe I got to know a little about your Sarah just when I needed it most. Some of her words have been inspiring and some of them have made me think at times. It's so nice to have a part of her…I just wish we could've talked about her together instead of hiding everything. I'm not angry with you…don't think that for a moment. I guess I kind of understand why it was the way it was…God knows there are things I don't want to talk about, pain I don't want to relive. It's okay. I know the truth now, I know more about the family and about myself now. I thank you for that and I still love and miss you, Grandpa."

Once again, Johanna felt the sensation of not being alone and her gaze darted around the cemetery but as far as her eyes could see, she was still alone and she heard nothing to indicate that anyone was around. She shifted her attention to the next stone, the one bearing the words _Sarah McKenzie, Beloved Wife and Mother, January 12, 1895-April 16, 1928._ She laid down her remaining flowers in front of her grandmother's stone and allowed her fingers to reach out and brush against the name carved in the stone, a few frozen snowflakes falling away as she did so.

"Grandpa wrote me a letter," she said quietly as she spoke to her grandmother's marker. "He said that you knew me, but just in case you've forgotten over the years or he was mistaken, I'm your granddaughter Johanna. I brought you flowers a long time ago but we didn't talk…so to speak. I wasn't sure what to say back then…I guess I wasn't sure that you'd understand how I could miss you when I never knew you…but I did…and I still do. It sounds crazy, but it's like there was always something missing…like a family quilt with some of the patches torn away and no idea what was supposed to be at the end of those frayed threads. I felt the loss of not knowing you. I've gotten to read your diaries now…you had a wonderful talent for writing, Sarah; you wrote in the same manner that people speak, making me feel like we were sitting down with a cup of tea while you told me about your day. Those three diaries chronicled over a decade of your life…I feel like I got to know you in some ways…but I still wish we could've known each other personally, you know what I mean?"

"But I do know you, darling," a soft feminine voice said from beside her.

Johanna tensed, her gaze slowly sliding to the side; a woman stood there and for the life of her she couldn't figure out how she had snuck up on her so quietly; surely she should've heard the crunch of a patch of snow or the crack of a piece of ice. She studied the woman, the air of familiarity filling her. Her visitor remained quiet, allowing her to stare as a soft smile graced her lips. She had dark hair…the same color as hers, Johanna noted. Her eyes were green…the same shape and shade of green that she saw in her own face every morning when she looked in the mirror. Her heart pounded against her ribs; this woman looked like her…the same cheek bones, the same chin. It couldn't be possible…it just couldn't be. "Who are you?" Johanna whispered as she shivered.

The woman moved closer, her smile a little wider. "You know who I am, Johanna."

She swallowed hard, her gaze taking stock of the old fashioned heels on the woman's feet and the green silk dress that must've been the height of fashion in 1928 with its hemline falling just below the knee. She wore no coat despite the cold weather and she didn't appear the least bit bothered by it. She was pale and with the exception of a slight shimmer around her being, she looked as whole and real as anyone. This woman looked like the photographs she had of her grandmother…and if this woman was Sarah…well then she must be losing her mind for sure.

"You're not losing your mind," the visitor stated.

Johanna was startled by the statement, clearly her mind had been read because she was sure that she hadn't muttered those words aloud…at least she was almost sure. "Sarah?" she whispered; a tremor in her voice that spoke of fear and trepidation.

"Yes," she answered. "Or you could just call me Grandma."

Her brow rose, she couldn't imagine calling her 'grandma' when she didn't look any older than her daughter. Some quick math deduced that Sarah had been 33 when she passed away; a very un-grandmotherly age indeed. She couldn't even believe that she was contemplating such a thing, this couldn't be happening. She must've fell on the ice and hit her head, it was all a dream. She wanted to blink but didn't dare, fearful that if she did that Sarah would vanish…and if she was really there, then she probably shouldn't squander the opportunity…but what if there was something ominous behind this sudden visit from the other realm?

"I'm sorry I frightened you," Sarah spoke. "You have nothing to fear, darling; I can't hurt you and I wouldn't even if I could."

"Am I going crazy?" Johanna asked softly.

Her grandmother's laughter rang out and she recognized it as sounding eerily similar to her own laughter. "Goodness, no, child; you're as sane as they come."

She swallowed hard. "Am I dying?" she whispered, her heart twisting with fear.

Sarah smiled and came closer to the stone. "No, you're not going anywhere. You have a lot of life ahead of you, my dear; there's no need to fear my presence."

"How can this be?" Johanna asked. "I mean, I've seen loved ones in dreams…even felt their presence around me but I…I never saw anyone like this."

"Ours is not to question why," Sarah replied, a slender finger reaching out and tapping Johanna on the nose; a feather light sensation that she was surprised to feel and she had a feeling that the phrase must've been one that Sarah uttered often when she had been living, for there was a gleam in her green eyes as she spoke the words.

Johanna stared at her, her tongue feeling tied as her heart rate settled back into a normal rhythm. What did you say to a ghost? There was so much she wanted to say and ask and yet she wasn't sure she could find the words.

"It was nice of you to bring flowers," her grandmother said. "I've always loved chrysanthemums."

"I'm glad you like them," she managed to utter. "Isn't it…"

"Isn't it what?"

"Isn't it strange for you to be here?" Johanna asked, her gaze flicking from Sarah to the stone that bore her name.

Her grandmother shook her head. "No; and besides, you're here and it was time we had a proper visit. We're alone…at least as much as we can be," she said, her eyes looking across the property.

Johanna's gaze followed, trepidation sliding down her spine once more. "Is there someone else out there?"

"No one that you need to fear; no one that will bother us."

"That doesn't make me feel any better."

Sarah laughed. "Darling, there are spirits roaming all over the earth, you just don't always know it. Please don't worry."

"Why did you come?" Johanna asked.

"For two reasons, but we'll get to the second one later."

"Oh God; I really am dying, aren't I? Did I fall on the ice and no one's going to find me or is there someone waiting on me out there to finish the job that didn't get done years ago?" she asked; her voice trembling, her cold fingers fumbling in her coat pocket for her phone to call for help.

"You're not dying," Sarah said firmly. "You stop that; and there's no one waiting for you; if there was, I'd tell you so you could get that gun out of your purse."

Johanna looked up at her in surprise. "You know about my gun?"

Sarah eyed her smugly. "I'm your grandmother; I make it my business to know everything about you. Now you settle down and relax, dear."

"I'll try," she murmured; but really, how could she be expected to relax when there was a ghost standing next to her…no matter how real she looked.

"I told you, it was time we had a proper visit…and you said that you wished we could meet…but I met you long ago," Sarah remarked.

"You did? Grandpa was right when he wrote that you knew me and that you were with me?"

Her grandmother nodded. "He wouldn't have lied about something like that; not my Patrick. Everything he wrote was true. I've always been with you, Johanna. I was there the day you were born. I stood by your cradle when you were a baby. I was there when you were a little girl walking to and from school by yourself, making sure that you crossed the street safely…and sometimes I even nudged your grandfather into your path so that he would walk with you. I was there when you were sick or hurt, when you were happy and sad. I was with you that night a boy left you stranded on the side of the road…I walked every step with you and made sure no harm came to you. I was there when you graduated from high school and law school. I was at your wedding. I was there when you had your baby girl. I've been there in the good times and the bad, when you were grieving, when your heart was broken. I was there the day they took you away from your family…your mother and I were both with you that day…and every day you were in Wyoming with your soul shattered into a million pieces."

Tears slid down her cheeks. "You were?" she whispered.

"Yes, sweetheart; you were never alone. I know you felt like you were but you weren't, we were there."

"Mama was there? I always felt like I could feel her sometimes…but I thought maybe it was wishful thinking because I felt like she'd be so ashamed of me," she cried.

"Nothing could be further from the truth," Sarah remarked, her cool, pale fingers reaching out and skimming along Johanna's cheek. "Your Mama was there, always, she still is although she divides her time a bit more now that you're home where you belong, but she's always around…and she was never ashamed of you. Never. Don't you ever think that. She loves you with all her heart and so do I."

"Are you my Guardian Angel?" Johanna asked.

"I guess you can call me that if you want; I prefer to think of it as being an involved grandparent; and just so you know; your father has always been with you too."

Her brow rose in disbelief as she sniffled. Sarah gave her an understanding smile. "I know it's hard for you to believe, but he was there; he still is. He loves you; he wants you to know that and believe it. You really don't need to feel like any of us are disappointed in you; we're not. We're proud of you and we love you."

The words were a soothing balm to her battle scarred heart. "I'm glad to know that…it helps a little."

"I'm sure it does," Sarah replied knowingly, her eyes flicking to a bench near the fence. "Let's sit down over there so you can get off that cold ground."

Johanna rose obediently, wondering once again if she was losing her mind as she followed a ghost to a bench to take a seat.

"That's better now, isn't it?" Sarah asked.

She nodded. "Can I ask you a question?"

"Of course, anything."

"When Grandpa was sick that last time…he kept thinking I was you…and I can see and hear why now…and the doctor told me not to agitate him anymore by correcting him when he mistook me for you…"

"I know," the ghost replied. "I was there."

Johanna met her gaze. "Did I upset you by pretending to be you?"

"No; you were doing what was best for your grandfather. I wasn't offended in the slightest; you're my granddaughter, why should I be?"

She shrugged. "I guess I just worried that maybe I didn't say things you would've said or act the way you would've acted."

"You did just fine. What you did was out of love and there's nothing wrong in that…I feel like I owe you an apology though."

"Why?" Johanna asked. "What would you need to apologize for?"

Sarah sighed. "Because I've caused you a lot of heartache in your life."

"I'm not sure I'm following."

Her grandmother smiled sadly. "You look like me, darling…and in some ways you sound like me…like when you laugh…and rumor has it that you act like me in some ways too. Your father held that against you; I'm so sorry. I understood his hate and anger toward me…I left him…I didn't want to of course, it wasn't my choice, if I could've changed things I would have…but I couldn't. It broke my heart to see him treat you the way he did…I was ashamed of him and it pains me to admit that. It was all my fault though."

"It's not your fault," Johanna told her. "You can't help it that you got sick and…" she trailed off, not wanting to say the word…not wanting to pain the being sharing the bench with her and not wanting to drive home the point to herself that she was speaking to a ghost.

Sarah smiled sadly. "I shouldn't have gone out that day…Patrick told me not to; he said it was going to rain but I didn't think it would be any more than a drizzle. I was a little restless…I needed to get out of the house for awhile so I took Frank and Bridget and we went out. It started off so nicely; the day seemed perfect…but then that storm blew in and that damn automobile that Patrick insisted I learn to drive just wouldn't start. We had to walk home in the rain…it was light at first, nothing to be upset over but then it turned into a sudden downpour…and I didn't realize that Bridget had left her sweater behind until we were too far away to consider going back. I took off my jacket and put it around her and carried her while holding on to Frank's hand. The rain came down so hard; we could barely see…I tried not to let them see how worried I was…I tried to make it fun for them. I was so worried they'd get sick, so worried Patrick would be upset about the car being left behind. We should've stayed in the car and waited…but I wanted to get home before dark…I had to get dinner started. I made a foolish mistake by thinking we could get home before things got worse. The children, thankfully, didn't get sick…but I did. I tried to brush it off at first, tried not to let Patrick see it…he fussed over me so much, especially since the winter when I had been very sick. The doctor said my lungs had been weakened some…that I'd have to be careful until I regained my strength…but I had a house and a husband and four children that needed tending and when I felt well enough, I went back to doing everything I normally did. I guess maybe I never fully healed from that winter illness and when I got pneumonia from being out in that cold rain…there just wasn't much hope. I was stubborn…I put everyone else before me and then I had to leave them…and everything went wrong."

Johanna brushed away a few tears. "I'm sorry, Sarah."

She shook her head. "It wasn't your fault…you can't help what I did, but you paid for it."

"No," Johanna stated firmly. "You didn't deliberately go out that day with the intent of getting sick and leaving your family. You wouldn't have gone if you had known; I wouldn't ever believe otherwise."

"You're right, if I had known, I wouldn't have gone…just like if you had known the trouble that would come to your door, you would've never taken that case."

She stiffened slightly but her grandmother kept her gaze pinned upon her. "I didn't tell you my story to make you see the similarity," Sarah stated. "I was merely pointing out that if we had known ahead of time, we both would have made better choices…and that while we may always carry a measure of guilt about the way things turned out; we did the best we could…and our intentions were pure."

Johanna relaxed again. "You're right about that."

"I'm still sorry," Sarah stated. "I'm sorry that the traits of mine that were passed on to you were held against you; it pains me to know you suffered because of me…because of the color of your eyes especially. I hope you can forgive me."

"There's nothing to forgive," she told her. "I've never blamed you; I know you wouldn't have wanted Dad to act the way he did. I'm proud to share traits with you…especially your eyes…my husband loves them, you know."

Sarah smiled brightly. "Yes, I know…your Jim is a good man; he loves you so."

"I love him more than words can say," Johanna remarked.

"I know how much you love him…and Katie too."

"She has your eyes too," Johanna whispered.

"I know; she's lovely…and has a penchant for being difficult it seems."

She gave a soft short laugh. "You can say that again…it's all my mother's fault; she cursed me, you know. She wanted me to have a girl just like me or worse…and boy did she get a healthy dose of being worse than I ever was."

"Are you sure about that?" Sarah asked in amusement. "I've known you all your life, darling; there were times when Naomi wanted to pull her hair out due to your stubbornness."

Johanna smirked at her. "Trust me, she's worse."

"If you say so," her grandmother replied indulgently. "Although I'd say you were about even in some respects but it doesn't really matter. She worries you, though; not only with her job but with how easily things can wobble between the two of you."

She nodded. "That's the truth."

"Sometimes you just have to let go and let things take care of themselves."

"You think I should stop trying? I'm only trying to keep on the course of progress that we had been making when I was staying with her. I don't want to lose that ground…I can't stop trying…can I?"

"No; not exactly," Sarah replied. "But you might need to find balance between trying too hard and not trying enough."

"Yeah, well apparently I suck at balance, which is why I'm pretty sure I must've slipped on the ice and cracked my head, because this has to be some sort of dream...or maybe I've finally snapped and slipped off the edge of reason."

"You're not insane," Sarah said sternly; "And you haven't fallen; check your head, do you feel any lumps?"

For reasons that were beyond her, Johanna felt her head and checked her fingers for blood; she found no evidence of a fall.

"Now pinch yourself; and do it hard," the ghost instructed.

"I don't want to."

"Do it, so we can carry on," her grandmother demanded.

Johanna pulled back the sleeve of her coat and pinched her skin hard. "Ow," she said as her nails dug into her flesh.

"There, see; you're perfectly fine, conscious and sane. Really, dear, I thought you'd be happier to see me."

"Oh I am happy to finally meet you," Johanna hurried to say. "I didn't mean to offend you; please don't go yet…see, I'm always saying or doing the wrong thing."

Sarah shook her head and offered a soft smile. "You didn't offend me; I understand; it takes some getting used to. My mother had a hard time getting used to it to when I used to visit her."

That was a sad thought that Johanna didn't wish to dwell on as she looked at her, staring once again, hoping to commit everything about her grandmother to memory. "Why have you always been with me?" she asked. "You have a lot of grandchildren…"

"Oh I know all about them," Sarah remarked; "And I've been with them too, but you most of all…because you need me most."

She nodded. "I probably do need someone looking after me."

Her grandmother laughed. "It wouldn't matter if you didn't feel that way, you're stuck with me."

Johanna smiled. "I don't mind. I just wish we could've gotten to know each other…that I could've grown up knowing you and your love and that we could've had that grandmother-granddaughter relationship."

"I wish it could've been that way too; but you've always had my love and you always will. I know you…and somewhere in your heart you know me, at least the things that matter. You read the diaries…you said it was like being told what my day was like. You know me; if you think about it, you'll realize that it's true…and you can call me grandma…I really wish you would…I've never gotten to hear anyone refer to me as such…I'm always identified as 'grandmother' and that's so very formal. I'd like to hear it."

"I'm afraid that if I say it then you'll leave," Johanna replied.

Understanding dawned in the woman's eyes. "I still have time," Sarah stated. "It can wait if you'd like."

"Yes; I think that would be better."

"Is there something on your mind that you'd like to say?"

Johanna gave a soft laugh. "There's so many things going through my mind…and yet I keep thinking about how I want to tell you that I like your shoes."

Sarah laughed merrily. "Thank you, darling. I must admit, I loved buying shoes. These are my favorite pair, I just adore that little strap that goes around the ankle and buckles don't you?"

"Yes," she replied. "They still have some that are similar to those."

"They're much fancier now," Sarah stated.

"You've popped into Macy's, have you?"

Her grandmother grinned. "Macy's is a wonderful store…and I may have tagged along with a loved one when she's visited the establishment."

Johanna laughed. "That should probably give me the heebie jeebies but it doesn't."

"That's because you know that I've always been around."

A thought occurred to her then and she eyed her grandmother. "Just how often are you around?"

Sarah read between the lines. "I assure you that I've never invaded your privacy; we don't do that."

"That's good to know. Can I ask you something else?"

"Yes, dear; ask whatever you like."

"Has Dad made his peace with you? I'm assuming you all run into each other."

Sarah nodded. "Yes; your father and I have made our peace with one another."

Johanna tapped her foot against the hard ground. "I wish he and I could've made peace before he was gone. It's always left this ache in me; you know…hurt and anger…all those years of not understanding why things were the way they were."

"I know," the ghost said softly. "It bothers him too."

Her brow rose. "Really?"

"Yes; he knows what he robbed you of…he knows what he robbed himself of. If he could've gone back and did things differently, I'm sure he would have; because I know he's sorry."

"Does he know that I'm sorry too?" she asked quietly.

"He knows and he understands."

"There were times when I said I hated him," Johanna admitted. "He had to have known that I said those things if he's been watching like the rest of you."

"He knows you didn't really mean it; that you were just angry and hurt…grieving for what was lost and what might have been. All of those what ifs hurt sometimes, don't they, darling? You have so many of them, not only about your father but about your current situation."

Johanna laughed softly. "You really do know everything."

Sarah nodded. "That's my job as a grandmother…and as the person who's been looking after you since birth."

"I appreciate your dedication to the job."

Her grandmother laughed. "I'm glad you don't mind that I hang around."

"I don't mind; I guess in a way it's comforting. Sometimes when I'd be in Grandpa's house I'd feel like someone would brush a hand against my back. When he was sick that last summer, he'd always tell me it was you."

"It was," Sarah replied. "Once in awhile I let you know I'm there."

"Is Grandpa with you up there? I know it was all he wanted at the end…you were what made him truly happy and he wanted to be with you."

"Of course he's with me, sweetheart; they all are; and he's happy. Your Grandma Sophia is there too, she sends her love."

Tears filled her eyes. "Will you tell them all that I love them?"

"I will; but they hear you when you tell them, never doubt that. All those times you felt silly talking to that picture of your mother, she was listening, she heard every word and she was there with you just like you thought. Things have been so difficult for you…coming home didn't go as well as you planned…healing hasn't happened as quickly as you hoped, but you have to stay strong, you have to keep fighting; you're going to make it, darling. You're going to be just fine and so is Katie and Jim. Everything's going to be okay. It might be hard sometimes, but you're going to make it…you're a McKenzie; and you know what your grandfather always says, don't you?"

Johanna nodded. "You can't keep a McKenzie down for long."

"That's right; we Riley's are pretty stubborn too," Sarah quipped. "Don't you forget that you have some of us in your veins as well."

"How could I? I do look like you in some ways."

She smiled. "That's true; and I'm still sorry that my gene pool caused you distress. It always made me feel bad."

"Well stop it; you can't blame yourself for everything," Johanna chastened.

"You should take your own advice," Sarah quipped. "You do a lot of apologizing yourself."

"I feel like I have to," she sighed. "I'm the one who's held responsible for getting mixed up in this mess."

Sarah eyed her seriously. "You need to stop, Johanna. You need to stop apologizing so much. You've made all the apologies that you need to; you've taken the responsibility and the blame and it wasn't even yours to take because you didn't cause this. If they haven't accepted it by now, you're never going to be able to convince them otherwise. It's just another way to keep tormenting yourself. People either accept you or they don't…and if they don't, that's their loss. You keep yourself in a constant state of turmoil because you're so afraid that you'll say or do something that will anger Jim or Katie and that they'll leave you as punishment for it…but that's not going to happen. You need to stop worrying so much about them and start thinking a little more about you and what you need. If you want to prove to them that you're doing better and that you're reclaiming your life, then show them. Be the person you always were, the person you still are deep down. You're a passionate being, whether it be in regard to love or war; you need to remember that. Be you, all the time, not just some of the time. Pull yourself up out of this and blaze brightly like a diamond in the sunlight. The best way to win is to overcome; you're half way there…don't slam on the brakes just because things get a little touchy sometimes. You can't hide a wounded heart forever, darling."

Her eyes met Sarah's. "Your mother told you that…I read that in your diary."

She smiled; her eyes lighting up. "I know, you read those words and took them to heart…that's when you bought that shiny red automobile…your grandfather loves it, by the way."

Johanna laughed. "Really?"

"Oh yes; he thinks it's wonderful. He told me to tell you to 'keep your chin up, Lass'."

A sad smile touched her lips at the thought of that endearment her grandfather had always called her. "I'm trying," she whispered. "It's just hard sometimes…sometimes I think I'm getting somewhere and then I just get shoved back down."

Sarah nodded. "I know, but what matters is that you get back up."

"That's what Bridget said."

Sadness flicked across Sarah's features. "My baby girl," she murmured. "I love her so."

"You see her, don't you? Like you see me?"

"Of course I do; but it doesn't mean I miss her any less…you know that feeling."

Johanna gave a nod. "Yeah, I do."

"Bridget's memories are few of our time together…but she's never stopped loving me despite Amelia McKenzie doing her damnedest to make her forget me completely."

"You had a mother-in-law problem too, I hear," Johanna said.

Sarah scoffed. "Problem is putting it mildly. That woman would test the patience of a saint."

"Is she up there giving you grief?" she asked with a nod towards the sky.

"She's there, but thankfully heaven's big enough that we can avoid each other as much as possible."

Johanna laughed. "I had an unpleasant mother-in-law too."

"I know, I've met Elizabeth…the fact that you never tried to kill her just goes to prove that you have a good heart and a hell of a lot of patience."

She grinned. "There may have been times when I was tempted."

"I'm sure there were…I had some thoughts like that myself back when Amelia and I were…shall we say, less than pleased with each other."

She laughed quietly. "I'm afraid to ask about Elizabeth…"

"Well, she did give me a message."

"Should I be afraid," Johanna quipped.

Sarah giggled merrily. "No, dear; it's entirely non-threatening; I wouldn't give it to you otherwise."

"It's hard to imagine old Lizzie sending a message that doesn't have some venom in it."

"I admit that I had some trepidation when she came forward but I promise it's nothing bad."

Johanna's brow rose. 'Are you sure you got the right Elizabeth?"

"Yes," the ghost laughed. "It's the right one. She said to tell you that you're right, she is furious with Madelyn for ripping out that lilac bush and she is haunting her for it…but Madelyn's too stupid to realize it."

She burst into laughter, thankful that no one was around to hear it. "That sounds like Elizabeth."

Sarah giggled. "She also wanted me to tell you that if you can, remind Katie once in awhile that she loves her and that she's proud of her…Jim too."

"I will," Johanna murmured.

"Robert sends his love to all of you as well."

"I like to think he watches over Jim a great deal," she stated.

"Oh he does," Sarah assured. "He's with him as much as possible."

"I'm glad to know that."

"Will you give someone a message for me?" her grandmother asked.

"Will this person think I'm crazy?'

"No," she said with a soft laugh. "She'll believe you."

"Okay; who would you like me to give a message to?" Johanna asked.

"My Bridget," Sarah murmured. "Tell her that I love her and I'm always watching over her. Tell her that I know that her memories are few, but that I remember everything. Tell her that when that wind chime outside her window plays a tune at night and there's no wind that it's me playing her a song to fall asleep to…she'll say she's too old for lullabies…but remind her that she'll always be my baby."

"I'll tell her," she promised.

"Thank you," Sarah replied with a small smile.

Johanna shifted on the bench; a little voice in her head reminding her that her grandmother had mentioned that there was a second reason for her visit. "You said there was another reason you're here," she stated hesitantly.

Sarah eyed her. "You're ready to move on to business now?"

"That sounds ominous," Johanna remarked. "I'm not sure I want to know."

"Well you're going to know anyway," her grandmother replied. "It's nothing bad."

She sighed deeply; her cheeks stinging from the cold but at least it was more proof that she was indeed fully conscious. "Fine; lay it on me…it can't be any worse than the other bombshells of my life."

A ghostly hand patted her knee affectionately. "I'm not the only visitor that you're going to have," Sarah told her.

"You're not?" Johanna asked; concern flicking across her features.

She shook her head. "No; you have a few more visits coming your way in the near future. As I've mentioned, we've been with you all this time…and there are a few people who would like to have a word with you."

A tremor of fear shot down her spine. "I feel like I'm in trouble," Johanna murmured.

"You're not in trouble; and you have nothing to fear, Johanna. Your visitors are people you love and who love you in return. They're concerned about you…they feel you need some guidance."

Johanna's brow rose. "What, this is going to be some kind of intervention staged by ghosts?"

"I wouldn't say that," Sarah replied.

"You wouldn't?"

"No."

"Why not?"

"Because I don't know what an intervention is, dear. Can you explain it to me?"

"Oh sure," she replied with a wry laugh as she tried to reconcile the fact that she was really speaking to a ghost who was out of touch in the scheme of modern times. She had to have fallen and hit her head; she'd wake up soon and this would all be a dream, a very vivid dream that was mocking lucidity. "An intervention is an ambush type meeting that your loved ones stage when they feel you have a problem, usually with alcohol, drugs or some other addiction…and sometimes because they think you're nuts and that you need help. Personally, I feel like my daughter has already staged a few of these with me."

Sarah digested that information. "No; I can say with certainty that this is not what you described."

"It isn't like A Christmas Carol, is it?" she asked. "Because honestly; that story has always kind of given me the creeps. I mean the ghost of Christmas past is alright…but the present might have me hearing and seeing things I don't want to know and the future…well if it holds true to the story, it would terrify the hell out of me. I feel queasy thinking about it."

Sarah's musical laughter filled the crisp air. "Goodness no; you're not being haunted, darling."

Johanna's brow rose. "Then what do you call it?"

"I told you; they're visitations."

"Uh huh, sounds like a come to Jesus meeting if you ask me."

"No," Sarah said with a shake of her head. "It's not like that at all; you're not going to meet Jesus for a long time. I told you that you're perfectly fine and still have a lot of life ahead of you. Don't worry so much."

Johanna's lips curved upwards in an amused smile. "It's just an expression, Sarah; it wasn't meant to be literal."

Sarah bit her lip. "Oh; I suppose I need to brush up on modern day expressions. You know there's just so much to keep up with these days. Like those telephones you carry around in your pocket and those other contraptions that people are always typing on."

"Computers," Johanna replied and then she took her phone from her pocket for Sarah to see. "These are called smartphones; they're a combination of phone and computer."

"May I see that?" the ghost asked. "I'm fascinated by those things."

She wasn't sure how this would work; although her grandmother appeared to be as flesh and blood as she was as she sat beside her on the bench. Cautiously she held the phone out and Sarah's pale hand took it. "You can hold things?" Johanna asked in surprise.

Her grandmother nodded. "How do you think spirits move things around in the homes of their loved ones? We have to have fun too, you know."

Johanna hadn't thought of that; it did make sense in a way. "Does that mean you might know where my strawberry chapstick is?"

"I didn't do it," Sarah remarked as her finger touched the screen of the phone and brought it to life.

"Who did?"

"It wasn't one of us."

"But you know who it was?"

"Yes."

"Tell me."

"It was your husband, dear. He gets a kick out of watching you look for things like that. It's hidden in his desk drawer; he was going to put it back on your desk once you bought a new one."

"Son of a bitch," she muttered.

"Watch your mouth, young lady."

"Young lady?" Johanna laughed. "I'm 61."

"Fine; middle aged lady," Sarah corrected; her brow furrowed as she tried to figure out the object she held.

"Go back to young lady; it sounds better."

Sarah ignored the comment and kept pressing her finger against the screen, making a song begin to play loudly; startling the spirit. "Jeepers Creepers!" she exclaimed. "What is that?"

"Music," Johanna answered. "You had music in your day."

"It wasn't that loud."

"This was loud because you turned the volume all the way up," she remarked as she grabbed the phone and hurriedly turned it down and stopped the song. "What does Jeepers Creepers mean?"

Sarah blushed. "Oh; it's just an expression…not really ladylike really."

"That's alright; I've said plenty of unladylike things."

"Yes I know; I would've liked to have washed your mouth out with soap a time or two."

"Seems a little hypocritical," Johanna replied; "Since apparently you're guilty of that as well."

"True enough, but we're getting off course," Sarah remarked. "As I said; you're going to have more visits…."

Johanna shifted on the bench. "Who will be coming?"

"I can't tell you that."

"Why not?"

"Because it isn't allowed; all you need to know is that they're coming."

"All at once?" she asked.

"No; individually."

Johanna's foot tapped against the frozen ground. "Can I opt out?"

"Opt out?" Sarah asked.

"Decline; can I decline this visitation thing?"

"No; they're coming whether you like it or not. You don't have a choice."

"That figures," Johanna remarked. "If I ever write my life story, the title can be 'I Didn't Have A Choice' and the subtitle can be 'Whether You Like It Or Not'."

"Don't be so uptight," Sarah chastened. "There's nothing to fear; you might even enjoy it; after all, you'll get to speak to some people that you haven't talked to in a long time."

"So why now?" she asked. "Why not when I was in Wyoming having any number of dark thoughts and could've used some divine intervention to make it through until I found my way home?"

"We were there; you know we were…and you had to make that decision to come home. Everyone knows it wasn't one you made lightly; you were afraid you'd bring more danger to your family if you left Wyoming but it was the right thing to do and you chose the right time; Katie was in a place where she was better able to help you, despite her anger and Jim was in a better place where he was able to accept and welcome you home without sliding into any bad habits. You were ready too; you were tired of being scared; tired of being lonely of missing out, of feeling like you had failed in so many ways. What happened and the journey you took to bring you home, was how it was supposed to be. You survived because that's what God wanted, Johanna. He wants you here; stop feeling guilty for being saved. This is why you need these visitations; you've lost part of yourself…you need help finding it or at the very least, recovering some semblance of what it feels like to completely be yourself. These visitors are coming to remind you of lessons you've seemed to have forgotten; they're coming to remind you of their love and support, of the person they know you to be; and maybe, just maybe to offer whatever closure to old wounds that they can give."

Johanna scrubbed her hands over her face. "Does this happen to everyone?"

"Oh I'd say nearly everyone has had some experience with a spirit; some are set in their disbeliefs though that they ignore it or find some so called logical explanation; as for these certain types of visits you'll experience, no; not everyone gets this privilege; only those who need it most and can appreciate and benefit from it are allowed this experience. Embrace it, darling."

She wasn't sure she wanted to embrace a host of ghostly visitors as they took turns haunting her but it didn't sound like she had a choice; in fact her grandmother had made it clear that she had no choice whatsoever. "When will the next visit take place?"

"I can't tell you that."

Johanna sighed. "You're big on not telling things, aren't you? I thought Katie got that from her father but maybe she gets it from you."

Sarah gave a soft laugh. "Katie gets her traits from many people; she's a bit stubborn like your father, if you ask me."

She nodded. "Yeah; it hasn't escaped my notice that she has some of Frank McKenzie's traits…as well as Elizabeth Beckett's…and it's all I can do sometimes not to grab a hold of her and try to smack it out of her."

"A good many of her traits come from you," Sarah reminded her.

"I get enough of those accusations from my husband."

"He's not entirely wrong."

"Let's not tell him that; he tends to gloat."

"My lips are sealed," Sarah said with a smile. "But I'm really not allowed to tell you who is coming and when; all I can say is that they'll be along in the near future. I can't tell you what they wish to discuss, because that's for them to tell you; all I can tell you is that you should take their words to heart…maybe it'll help you find your way."

Johanna sighed. "I didn't feel like I was lost…but it seems like everyone else thinks so."

"You're not lost," Sarah remarked. "You're just hiding in your shell."

"That sounds like something my mother would say."

Her grandmother smiled. "Where do you think I got it from?"

"Is she here?" Johanna asked; her gaze darting around the area, hungrily seeking the ghostly figure of her mother.

"No; she isn't here in the way you'd like; but you can be sure that she's watching."

Silence fell as Johanna tapped her suede boot against the frozen ground, her teeth biting into her bottom lip. Her life seemed to be enough of a mess without being haunted.

"You're not being haunted," Sarah spoke. "Just visited."

Her head snapped up. "How do you know what I'm thinking?"

"I can't tell you that," the ghost said with a smile.

Johanna glared at her. "You exasperated my grandfather, didn't you?"

"Every chance I got," she giggled. "You know how it is; you've exasperated that man of yours many times."

"I assure you that's it been a mutual exasperation on most of those occasions."

"Oh, I'm sure it was; my time here is drawing to a close, Johanna. Is there anything you need to talk about before I go?"

Johanna's gaze flicked back to the woman's face; a feeling of loss filling her. "I don't want you to go," she murmured as tears filled her eyes. "I haven't gotten to ask you a hundred questions that I probably should. I…I'm not ready for you to go."

"I know, darling; I wish I could stay longer too, but these visits always have a time limit. I'm so sorry about that. It was so good to be here with you like this."

Johanna nodded. "Yes, it was…I'm so glad you came…"

Sarah studied her. "What is it, dear?"

"Is it possible to hug you?" she asked.

Her grandmother smiled. We can manage that."

"Really?"

Sarah nodded and opened her arms to her. "Come here and let me hold you," she murmured.

Johanna cautiously embraced the other woman, fearful she'd feel nothing but air, but she was as solid as anyone, the silk of her dress smooth beneath her fingers, her dark hair the same texture as hers as it brushed against her cheek. She closed her eyes and hung on to her, breathing in her scent of Chanel perfume and the feel of her embrace. She knew Sarah had to go, but she kept trying to prolong it with her questions. "Will I ever see you again…like this I mean? Will we talk again?"

"You can always talk to me; I'll listen."

"But will we ever get to talk like this again…where you can answer me?"

Sarah's hand moved soothingly over her hair. "I'll visit you in your dreams sometimes, we'll talk there…and if I feel like you need me, I may stop in for another visit like this…but remember that I'm always with you, even if you haven't seen me."

"Can you give me a sign sometimes?"

"A cardinal in the winter," Sarah remarked. "A mockingbird in the summer."

The tears were slipping down her cheeks. "I'll be looking for them."

"They'll be there…I'll be there; so will the others."

"Will you hug mama for me?" Johanna cried.

"Yes, darling; I'd be happy to do that for you…and the next time you see Bridget, you give her a hug from me."

"I promise."

Sarah pulled back from her, brushing a kiss against her granddaughter's forehead. "I love you, Josie."

"I love you too, Grandma," she replied.

A bright smile spread across Sarah's lips, warmth and love flooding her green eyes. "Thank you for saying it, my sweet girl; you don't know how much it means to me. I have to go now…but remember, I'm with you. Stay strong and brave and sassy. It's all going to be fine; and you listen during those visits…those guests you're going to have, they love you; they want what's best for you."

Johanna nodded; a wobbly smile of her lips as she clutched at the hand that was slowly fading away. "Goodbye, Sarah."

'Not goodbye," Sarah said. "I've always hated goodbyes; let's just say until next time."

"Until next time, Grandma."

"That's better; until next time, darling."

Johanna watched as her grandmother faded from her sight and she allowed the tears to continue to slip down her cheeks. She sniffled and fumbled for a tissue in her pocket. When she found one she wiped her cheeks and then her nose and then rose from the bench and made her way back to the stones that marked her grandparents graves. As she approached, a flash of red caught her eye; a cardinal landing on Sarah's stone, remaining perched there even as she approached. She smiled at the bird. "Thank you, Grandma; I'm glad to see your sign."

The bird chirped and then flew up on the lowest limb of the nearby tree. Johanna turned away and headed back for the car; the thought still in mind that she might've had some type of hallucination. Maybe she shouldn't be allowed to go out alone…reporters always found her and now ghosts were finding her as well. She could just imagine the conversation with Jim at the dinner table that night when he'd inevitably ask her about her day. What was she supposed to say? "Went to the cemetery to leave flowers and ran into the ghost of my grandmother who's been dead since long before I was born; oh and even better; some of her friends are going to be popping in to visit as well!"

Yeah; that would get her on the fast track to being committed. It would probably be best not to mention this to her husband…and definitely not to her daughter. Johanna blew out a breath as she opened her car door and got inside. She sat quietly in the driver's seat; casting a glance in the mirror to make sure no ghostly friends were in the backseat. Feeling as though she was truly alone, Johanna sighed; wondering if there was a do not haunt list somewhere that she could add her name to. Now she had the added privilege of worrying about unexpected guests popping up and scaring her out of her wits. "Thanks, a lot, Grandma," she muttered; feeling torn about meeting the woman who had lingered in her family history and the news she had given her as she put the key in the ignition. If she had known this was how her day was going to turn out, she probably would've stayed home…now she'd be waiting and wondering about who or what was coming next.


	2. Chapter 2

_A/n: Thanks for your reviews!_

Chapter 2- Spooked

"Did you have any problems today while you ran your errands?" Jim asked while he cut the pork chop on his plate.

"No; no problems," Johanna replied as she reached for her glass to take a drink. She supposed it was true; she hadn't had any of the types of problems that he feared…and her grandmother's ghost hadn't given her any problems…or had she? There was the matter of those upcoming visitations to consider.

"Are you okay?" Jim asked.

Her gaze flicked back to his face. "Yeah, why?"

"You seem quiet this evening; usually you have more to say about your outings. Are you sure everything went okay?"

Johanna conjured up a smile for him. "Yes, everything was fine. There wasn't a reporter in sight. I picked up the dry cleaning and I went to the market and got some things we needed. You'll be happy to know that bacon was on sale."

"That's always good news," he quipped.

She grinned. "We don't want you suffering from bacon deprivation."

"Hell no; that would be a crime. Did you get some snacks? The chip selection has been lacking the last few evenings."

"Yes, dear," she laughed. "I stocked the snack cupboard."

"Good girl. What else did you do?"

"I bought some flowers and took them to my grandparents' graves."

Jim broke a roll in half and spread some butter on it. "I really wish you wouldn't go to those places alone. Cemeteries aren't high traffic areas…I don't like the idea of you being by yourself in quieter areas like that. I want you to stick to places where there are a lot of people around."

Johanna nodded; a part of her agreeing that she shouldn't have gone alone. As much as she enjoyed 'meeting' her grandmother, so to speak, ghosts probably didn't show themselves if you had company with you. There was power in numbers after all. "The next time I want to go, I'll wait until you can take me."

He glanced at her; studying her intently for a moment. "That was an awful quick agreement; are you sure nothing happened?"

"I'm sure. It's just that it was too quiet and gave me the creeps."

Her husband nodded, satisfied with her response. "I'll take you next time."

"I'll want to go to my mother's when it's closer to Christmas," she murmured.

"I know; I'll get you there, don't worry."

"I'm not worried," she replied; not worried about that anyway. She was worried about the guests she was supposed to receive…Sarah had assured her that they were loved ones…but that didn't mean it would go well, did it? "How was work?"

"I'm afraid I have nothing to entertain you with tonight, sweetheart; it was a slow day at the office."

She laughed softly. "I guess every day can't be entertaining."

"We should probably be relieved by that knowledge."

She would've agreed, but she had that run in with a ghost clouding her mind. She took a few bites of her dinner before breaking the silence that fell between them. "Do you still believe in ghosts?" she asked.

Jim glanced up from his plate. "Why; did you see one?"

Johanna laughed nervously. "No; I was watching one of those shows about haunted places around the world and I just wondered if you still believed."

"Yes, I still believe. If ghosts weren't real, so many people wouldn't report seeing them and having experiences. Do you still believe?"

"Most definitely," she replied; she had all the proof she needed.

A grin tugged at Jim's lips. "Was the Balfour on that show?" he asked; thinking of the haunted hotel that he and Johanna had stayed at during a stop on their road trip the summer before they started dating.

"No; I'm sorry to disappoint you."

He laughed. "Do you want to go back and visit the Balfour?"

"No; I believe I already told you that on your birthday when you mentioned going back for another round," Johanna stated. "I have no desire to renew my acquaintance with that womanizing ghost who likes to cop a feel."

"He was harmless," Jim laughed. "You should've been flattered."

She arched a brow at him. "I did not sign up to be felt up by a ghost…and you'd think that you would've been against another man, whether he be a ghost or not, putting his hands on me."

"I am totally against other men putting their hands on you," he declared. "But it wasn't like Charlie the ghost could get very far with you…a little cheap thrill was all he was going to get."

"But still; you could've been a little outraged…even if you had to fake it."

"What for?" he asked. "You weren't my wife then…you weren't even my girlfriend."

Johanna narrowed her eyes at him. "And yet that didn't keep you from copping a feel and kissing me whenever the mood struck you, now did it?"

A sly grin tugged at his lips. "I can't deny that…but I didn't hear you saying no, so clearly you wanted me to kiss you and cop a feel whenever possible."

She raised her chin in defiance. "I'm not that kind of girl, Jim Beckett."

He chuckled. "I don't know about that…after all, you did sleep on top of me at the Balfour…"

"Only because I was afraid."

"Mhmm, that's the story for publication; but we both know it was just an excuse for you to crawl all over me and get your hands on me."

Johanna leaned back in her chair. "If that was the case; why did I not make any move on you that night?"

"Because you were feigning shyness…or baiting the trap."

"Baiting the trap!" she exclaimed. "What trap!?"

"To catch a man; you were at that man trapping age, sweetheart. It's alright; I was strong; I didn't succumb to your devious intentions until months later."

She glared at him. "You must feel like living dangerously tonight."

Jim shrugged; a grin still on his lips. "I told you it was a slow day; I'm just living it up a little."

"Uh huh," she replied; doing her best to keep from smiling. "If anyone was baiting a trap back then it was you…that's why you kept renting rooms where we had to share a bed."

"Again, you didn't say no…and we know why…more excuses to get your pretty little hands on me."

"If that's what you want to believe, honey."

"It's not just a belief; it's a fact," he said with a wink. "It's alright, you know; I don't mind that you can't keep your hands off of me."

She laughed. "I think that might be the other way around."

Jim raised his glass to her. "We'll just call it mutual."

"That's more like it," she said, clinking her glass against his. "I'm kind of surprised you grew up believing in ghosts; considering how Lizzie was."

"Well, like I said; I feel there's plenty of evidence; but I didn't get all of my mother's practicality…I got a healthy dose of my father and he believed. Mom did too; she just hated to admit it."

Johanna nodded. "That sounds like her."

"Is there a reason ghosts are on your mind tonight, besides the show you were watching?"

She shifted in her seat. "Well, you know I believe in those things…I've always told you that I felt like people were around me…some people would think that's crazy."

Jim shook his head. "I don't; I never have. I told you a long time ago that it was normal."

"I know," she replied, her foot taping against the floor. "But…"

"But what?"

"Well…sometimes when I'm alone I talk to my mother."

He gave her a soft smile. "There's nothing wrong with that, Jo. Sometimes I talk to my father. Are you afraid I'll think you're crazy if I walk in on you having a discussion with Naomi one day?"

Her gaze dipped to her plate. "Maybe."

"Don't worry, sweetheart; I won't think you're crazy if I catch you talking to her. You always say you feel like she's here at times; and I'm sure she is…you were Naomi's favorite after all; of course she'd want to be here with you."

Her smile wobbled a little. "I miss her."

"I know…that feeling is probably intensified by current events," Jim remarked. "If it makes you feel better to talk to Naomi; then talk to her. I'm sure she's listening. I won't think anything of it…and if you walk into the garage one day while I'm working on the car and asking my father to give me a clue, you can do me the favor of not thinking I'm crazy too."

Her hand reached for his and gave it a gentle squeeze. "Deal."

"We probably shouldn't mention it to our daughter though," Jim remarked. "She'd probably have us both committed…she has a little too much of my mother's logical, practical thinking gene."

Johanna nodded. "That's true…we won't tell her."

Jim eyed his wife as she scooped up a bite of potatoes. "Why did a TV show about haunted places bring all of this up for you?" he asked.

"I don't know; you know me, when I have too much time on my hands, my mind tends to dwell."

"Well stop it; you're fine. Everyone talks to a loved one who's passed on; lots of people feel the presence of a loved one. Some people even see ghosts."

"Oh I know," she said with a slight laugh; her stomach twisting into a nervous knot. "At the Balfour, we didn't see any of the ghosts, although we felt them, heard them and seen the evidence of their tricks," she recalled; suddenly realizing that she shouldn't have been surprised that her grandmother could hold an object; the ghost at the Balfour had hidden things from her and Jim and had tossed her belongings on the floor.

"Just because we didn't see them didn't make the experience any less real," Jim remarked as she trailed off.

"I know…I was just wondering what you'd do if you saw a ghost."

"I don't think it would bother me too much…there's one standing right behind you now."

The fork fell from her fingers, goosebumps rising on her arms as she jerked around to inspect the area. Jim's laughter sounded behind her. "Made you look," he laughed.

"Jackass!" she declared as she kicked him under the table. "You stay on your own side of the bed tonight!"

Her husband's eyes gleamed with amusement. "Now, Jo; you know you can't stay away from me in bed during this time of year; you get too cold."

"I'll get an extra blanket," she retorted.

He continued to laugh. "You should've seen the look on your face."

"It's not funny," Johanna replied. "You know they scare me."

"That's what makes it funny," he teased. "Come on, let's go back to the Balfour this weekend and see if we spot the ghosts this time. It'll be fun."

"Forget it; I've had enough ghostly encounters to last me for awhile."

"Sweetheart; that was 37 years ago."

"The memory lingers," she quipped; wishing she had the guts to spill the beans about her visit…maybe it would prevent the others from coming but she worried about invoking their anger…God only knew what that would bring and she had enough problems without pissing off dead relatives.

"I'm sorry," Jim said as he caressed her hand. "Please say you'll still wrap yourself around me tonight in your sleep or I'll never forgive myself."

"Aren't you just a funny man tonight," she replied; failing to suppress a smile as she caught the amused twinkle in his eyes.

"It's my job to entertain you," he told her as he pressed a kiss to her hand. "And if you'll lift my punishment and allow me to cross the center of the bed tonight; I can amuse you in other ways, if you prefer."

She eyed him, a small smile lingering on her lips despite her best attempts to squash it. "I am not having sex with you after what you did to me."

"I said I was sorry," he teased. "Don't be so harsh."

"That's how lessons are learned, darling; and while we're on the topic of punishments, I have another matter of business to bring to the table."

"Uh oh, you're putting on your lawyer voice," Jim remarked with a grin. "You're going to get sassy and feisty with me…it's very sexy."

"You just rein in your smooth talking ways, Mr. Beckett," she stated; doing her best to be stern. "You know that I don't allow such business in my courtroom; I'm not swayed by bribes."

"That's not what history tells me….I have been in your courtroom many times before, sweetheart."

"Don't get cute with me; I'm warning you," she threatened lightly.

Jim smiled. "But I was born cute; I don't know how to stop."

Johanna resisted the bait as she kept her gaze trained on him. "Consider yourself under oath, starting now."

"That no nonsense side of you is really very attractive."

She smirked at him. "Do you remember about four days ago, I bought a new chapstick and it disappeared from my desk?"

Jim nodded. "I do recall the disappearance of your chapstick…and the frenzy of tearing your desk apart that its loss provoked. If I recall correctly; you had lost a previous chapstick and felt as though this must be some kind of curse dooming you to have chapped lips in the winter…although I can say from personal experience and knowledge that your lips are as wonderful as ever, no sign of chapping despite this heinous crime of missing lip products."

She licked her lips as she eyed him. "It's funny you should classify it as a crime," she stated.

"Why's that?"

"Because this wasn't a disappearance…it was a theft."

"That's a serious offense," Jim quipped. "What makes you think it was a theft?"

"Oh, a little search I preformed today," she replied smugly as she pulled the tube of chapstick from her pocket. "I found this in your desk drawer."

Jim leaned back against his chair, doing his best not to grin. "I hope you had a warrant to search my desk."

"No need for a warrant; I had probable cause."

"Is that right? May I ask why I'm a suspect?"

"Just a suspicion since you're the only person who shares that room with me. Would you like to tell me how it came to be in your desk drawer, Mr. Beckett?"

Jim shrugged. "Maybe a ghost put it there in an attempt to frame me."

"Somehow I doubt that."

"It's true; a ghost planted it in there. I'm innocent."

Johanna laughed. "You're guilty of the theft and have now added perjury."

"Can you prove I did it?"

"I had it fingerprinted," she tossed back. "Your prints are all over it."

Jim laughed. "Nice try."

"Fine; you're guilty because a tip came in and told me it was in your possession."

"And just who was this person who tipped you off?"

She shrugged. "Maybe it was a ghost."

He chuckled. "And did the ghost tell you why I'd do such a thing?"

"It was mentioned that you like to watch me look for things…apparently, you like to annoy me for kicks."

"I'm pleading the fifth; I want my lawyer before this line of questioning proceeds any further."

"Another admission of guilt," Johanna remarked; smiling in victory.

"Alright, I'm guilty," he replied. "Go ahead; punish me; I'm all yours, I'm throwing myself at your mercy."

"Oh you'll be punished," she told him. "You can count on it."

"Sounds exciting, I'm looking forward to it."

"We'll see about that," she stated. "But really; what would you do if you seen a ghost?"

Jim gave a quiet laugh. "Honey; I think you should avoid watching those haunted places TV shows; it gave you the heebie jeebies."

"Okay; but you still haven't answered my question."

Her husband pondered the question for a moment as he took another bite of his dinner. "I'd probably ask them what the hell they were doing here; and then I'd ask what they wanted."

"Would you be scared?" Johanna asked.

He shook his head. "No; I don't see how they can harm anyone…unless of course they scare you to death."

"That's a pleasant thought," she muttered.

"You asked…and really; don't watch that show anymore, you weren't this distressed by our visit to the Balfour."

"I'm not distressed," Johanna declared. "I was just curious and making conversation."

"Okay; what would you do if you saw a ghost?"

"I'd…probably talk to it," she stammered; "And while talking to it, I'd probably think that maybe I had fallen and hit my head or that I was losing my mind or something."

"But you said you believe in ghosts."

"I do but that doesn't mean I wouldn't doubt my sanity for a moment."

Jim smiled. "Well listen, if you see any ghosts lurking around; you let me know and I'll call some of those paranormal people to come clear them out, okay?"

She gave a laugh. "Yeah; I'll do that."

"I suggest that tonight before you go even attempt to sleep; you should probably watch your Dr Quinn dvds to wash that ghost business out of your head."

"They had a ghost on one of their episodes too; a Halloween one," Johanna remarked.

"Fine, watch one of those Golden Girls reruns you're fond of; that should make you laugh and clear your mind."

"I'll do that," she replied; wishing it would be that easy to clear her mind. "How's your dinner?"

Jim smiled at her. "Wonderful as always."

Johanna smiled; at least her overwhelmed mind hadn't caused her to botch dinner.

* * *

After dinner was finished and the kitchen had been cleaned up; Johanna headed for the office, intending to distract her mind from thoughts of ghosts by browsing the internet while Jim did his work. As she entered the room, she noticed that Jim was rifling through his desk drawers.

"What are you doing?" she asked as she settled down in her chair.

"What did you do with my pen?" he questioned.

Johanna looked at him oddly. "What are you talking about?"

"You know what I'm talking about; my silver pen. It was laying here beside my laptop this morning and now it's gone. You hid it to get even."

"I didn't take your pen," she replied honestly. "I prefer to seek revenge in other ways…ways I have yet to plot and I assure you, I can think up something better than pen nabbing."

"That's what you want me to think," Jim remarked. "I know you; now where did you put it?"

"Jim; I didn't hide your pen," Johanna insisted. "Maybe it's in your briefcase."

"You know I don't take that pen to work."

That was true, Johanna thought to herself; the pen had been a gift from her and Katie for his 20th anniversary with the law firm. It had his name engraved on it, along with the words 'We love you always, Johanna and Katie'. He had always cherished the pen and rarely ever took it out of the house and always made sure to have a stock of refills on hand for it. She hadn't taken it; she wouldn't hide that from him.

"It's not here," he declared as he searched his briefcase.

"Maybe it's upstairs on the nightstand; you were working on a crossword puzzle last night."

"I told you, it was on the desk this morning," he said firmly.

She sighed. "Maybe you just thought it was there because you're used to it being there. You could've taken it upstairs."

Jim eyed her. "It was there. I know you took it to get even for your chapstick."

"I did not!"

"Then you won't mind if I search your desk," he stated.

Johanna pushed her chair back from her desk. "Go ahead; be my guest."

Jim smirked at her as he rounded her desk and began to pull open the drawers. He searched through the contents of each one and then shut them with a hint of aggravation before turning to face her.

'Well?" she asked. "Did you find it in there?"

"No," he replied gruffly. "Where's your purse?"

Her brow arched. "It's upstairs on the dresser where it always is when we're home. If you dump it out; make sure you put everything back in where I have it…and while you're at it, see if you can find that roll of LifeSavers I know is in there but can't find."

Jim regarded her studiously for a moment and crossed purse search off his list…for the moment. "Okay, Sassy; it's not in your purse…."

She eyed him. "What are you getting at, warden? Are you going to strip search me next?"

He smiled; his eyes moving over her figure as she remained in her chair. "Is that an option?"

"Nope," she replied.

Jim stepped closed. "Fine; I can search you without taking anything off of you. Stand up."

Johanna laughed. "You can't be serious."

"I'm serious," he replied; a hint of amusement in his eyes.

She smirked at him as she got to her feet. "Okay; I'm game; knock yourself out."

"I'm going to find that pen," he stated; his fingers slipping into the pocket of her jeans.

"Don't you think you would've noticed if it was in my pocket?"

"Not when you're distracting me with dinner."

"Mhmm," she said as his arms slipped around her, his hands dipping into her back pockets. "See what I mean; you're always looking for an excuse to cop a feel."

He smirked as he gave her a pat. "Like you don't enjoy it."

"No comment; I'd rather not incriminate myself."

Jim couldn't resist the urge to steal a kiss and while he had her distracted, his hand slipped beneath the hem of her sweater.

"What are you doing?" she asked; feeling his fingertips gliding up her side.

"I want to see what you have in your bra," he remarked.

"The same thing that's always in my bra," Johanna replied; "And I know for a fact that you're well acquainted with the contents."

"Well that's true," he said with a grin as his fingers slid beneath the band of her bra. "But I also know that you sometimes shove other things in there as well…one time I found a twenty dollar bill in there."

"Well there's nothing in there besides the usual suspects tonight," she told him as he continued his search. "You're just getting a cheap thrill."

"Well then I can't say my search was a total loss, now can I?" Jim asked.

She smirked and gave him a little shove; making his hands slip out from under her shirt. "I don't have your pen, I swear. Go look on the nightstand."

"Fine; but it's not there…so I'm looking in your purse; my suspicion has been renewed."

"Go ahead; find my LifeSavers."

He gave her a playful swat, making her laugh. "I'll search down here," she told him. "Honestly; I didn't take it."

"Uh huh," he said before crossing the threshold of the office and leaving her alone.

She shook her head and moved across the office; intending to search the floor around his desk. She shivered slightly; the air suddenly feeling cooler as she dropped down to her knees to search under the desk. A soft feminine giggle sounded, making her blood run cold as her head shot up; searching for the source of the sound. She saw nothing in the room…but she felt it. "Sarah?" she whispered.

The soft laughter sounded again, putting her even more on edge. "Sarah," she practically hissed. "Is it you? Did you take that pen?"

The lights dimmed for a split second but her grandmother didn't show herself; although she felt the presence of someone. "Oh, Lord," she muttered; what if it wasn't Sarah? What if it was one of the others? What if a whole host of ghosts had been unleashed upon her? That wasn't a pleasing thought.

A book fell off the bookcase, startling her; the cover flying open and the pages whipped up as if a breeze was stirring them. She moved toward it with trepidation; glancing down at the picture on the page that the book was open to. It was a picture of a cardinal…her guest was Sarah. "Sarah," she whispered again. "Where's the pen? I appreciate you getting even on my behalf but he loves that pen…give it back."

The smell of Chanel perfume filled the air around her and Jim's silver pen rolled off the bookcase and hit the carpet. "Thank you," she told her as she picked it up.

Johanna felt the sensation of a hand brushing her back, making her shiver. The scent of perfume faded and the room returned to its normal temperature. Sarah had gone…but her eyes darted around the room; searching, making sure her grandmother hadn't left any friends behind. She saw no evidence of anything and she felt as though she was alone as she gripped the pen and picked up the book; putting it back on the bookcase.

"It's not upstairs, Jo," Jim called out as his footsteps sounded in the hallway a few moments later.

"I found it," she replied; trying to shake off her latest 'visit' so to speak.

"Isn't that a coincidence?" he said smugly as he entered the room. "Where was it?"

"On the bookcase; and I didn't put it there, I swear."

"Well neither did I," he remarked as he took his pen from her hand. "So how did it get there? One of those ghosts you were talking about?"

Johanna shrugged. "Stranger things have happened."

Jim smiled and gave her a quick kiss. "We're even now," he told her; refusing to believe that she hadn't hidden his pen. "And here's your LifeSavers," he said as he pulled the roll from his pocket.

"Did you dump out my purse?" she asked as she snatched her candy from his hand.

"Yes I did."

"Did you put everything back the way it was?"

"Nope," Jim said as he moved back to his desk. "I left it all laying in the middle of the bed; you can put it back."

She glared at him; a glimmer of amusement in her eyes. "You definitely stay on your side of the bed tonight."

"We'll see," he quipped.

"I guess we will," she retorted as she moved back to her own desk and opened her laptop; thinking that maybe she should Google some facts about ghosts.

* * *

Johanna stared at the TV screen later that night, watching yet another rerun of the Golden Girls as she tried to relax enough to sleep. The room was dark, except for the light of the TV and she glanced at Jim as he laid on his side of the bed, sound asleep and unaware of her unease. Her ears kept straining for the sounds of a visitor; her eyes searching the shadowed corners of the room for any sign of a ghostly being. So far she hadn't seen or heard anything, but her anxiety over the issue wouldn't abate. Sarah told her not to be afraid…but she was. They might be loved ones, but that didn't mean she shouldn't be worried.

A loud bang startled her, making her jump; her heart thumping wildly. She held her breath and listened, icy fingers of dread sliding down her spine despite the knowledge that Sarah's arrival had been silent. Another bang sounded and she recognized it as the neighbor's garage door. Johanna glanced at the clock; it was nearly 1:30…she usually heard their garage door around that time every night; their neighbor clearly worked a nightshift somewhere. Her heart rate settled and she shivered; she didn't like this visitation business hanging over her head. She didn't want it…and maybe it wouldn't happen anyway. Maybe Sarah had just been trying to scare her into being a little more outgoing again. Of course the threat of ghosts wasn't a good way to do it…it only made her want to hide.

She shook her head, trying to rid herself of the thoughts; she was tired and she wanted to sleep…but she was afraid. She glanced at Jim once more…probably she was safe at night with Jim being there; the ghost wouldn't want to risk waking Jim…would they? Johanna sighed and moved across the bed, snuggling up against her husband.

"I knew you'd be back," Jim's sleepy voice murmured.

"What?"

"I knew you wouldn't stick to that 'stay on your own side thing'…I knew you'd want to be friendly again," he teased as his arms slipped around her.

"Just shut up and hold me," she retorted as they both shifted a bit so that she could settle against him more snugly; his arms wrapped around her tightly.

Jim nuzzled her hair while laughing softly. "Those sound like the words of a woman who doesn't want to admit that her husband was right."

"Why should I when he gloats so easily?" she asked lightly; another shiver racing through her as she held on to him tightly.

He pulled the covers up over her more securely; tucking them around her with one hand as the other kept hold of her. "Do you want me to turn up the heat, sweetheart?"

"Maybe in the morning," Johanna murmured; her hand clutching his shirt. "I want you to stay here; you'll keep me warm…you always do."

"Your personal heating system is on the job," Jim replied, giving her hip a loving squeeze as he brushed a kiss against her hair.

"I love you," she whispered.

"I love you too…now tell your brain to stop thinking so much and go to sleep. It was just a show; those haunted places are far from here…I won't any let any ghosts get you."

Johanna raised her head long enough to press a kiss to his lips. "You're my hero."

His lips curved upwards; his hand falling against the back of her head and guiding it back to his chest. "And you're my damsel; among other things. You sleep now; you're safe."

Her body relaxed and she angled her head to see the TV as Jim held her tightly. She was safe with Jim…ghosts wouldn't come as long as Jim was there to keep them at bay. With that thought in mind, she allowed her tired eyes to close; hoping that her dreams wouldn't be haunted.


	3. Chapter 3

_A/N: Thanks for your reviews._

Chapter 3- Be Careful What You Wish For

Two days had passed since Sarah's visit and so far, to Johanna's relief, there hadn't been any visitors. Johanna sighed a little after double checking that she had locked the door behind Jim when he had left for work. There hadn't been any new visitors…there were, however, signs that Sarah was staying close and making her presence known. She hadn't seen her grandmother but sometimes she smelled her perfume in the air; one of her diaries had mysteriously been left on the bed, the book open to a passage Sarah had written about heartache and the advice her mother had imparted about it. The butterfly paperweight on her desk had been moved; her LifeSavers were missing again…but that could've been Jim…she wasn't sure who to blame for the LifeSavers.

Sarah also seemed to be getting her kicks by tormenting Jim a little. For the past two days, Jim had been the victim of misplaced car keys, his files had been pushed onto the floor, and there had been an hour when the remote wouldn't work for him…but would work for her. Johanna gave a soft laugh as she headed for the office, remembering how irritated he had been about that. He was also the victim of a misbehaving cell phone…that would out of nowhere begin to play music loudly whenever it was left unattended. She, of course, was getting the blame for these antics that befell her husband…with the exception of the phone. She had been cleared of suspicion in that caper when it started blaring music while she was in the shower the night before. When he had left for work, Jim had told her that he was stopping to have his phone checked before going to the office. Johanna smiled as she settled in at her desk; she'd like to see his face when they told him that there was nothing wrong with it. She figured Sarah's mischievous pranks would settle down after awhile…once she had felt she had sufficiently proven her presence.

Johanna opened her laptop to check her email and browse the internet. It was part of her morning routine and for the first time in two days, she felt more relaxed than she had been despite the somewhat restless night she'd had. She kept jerking awake, searching for ghosts that never appeared…thankfully. Maybe they weren't coming, she thought to herself. Maybe her fear had caused them to change their minds. It was fine with her if they had. She didn't need to be haunted…or visited, as Sarah had insisted on calling it. Sure, she wanted to feel like her loved ones were still near and watching over her…but popping in for God knows what kind of lecture…that she could do without.

After awhile of browsing online, she began to get sleepy; the last few nights of little sleep catching up with her. Johanna yawned and leaned back in her chair, drawing her legs up so that she could curl up, snuggling into the comfortable, familiar feel of the mauve colored chair. The house was quiet except for the low sound of the television playing in the living room and the sound of the furnace as it clicked on. The room grew warmer as she closed her eyes, feeling no inclination to relocate to the couch in the living room or even upstairs to her bed. She had taken many cat naps in her chair over the years…when her paperwork would sometimes bore her into a coma or a sleepless night caught up with her. Johanna breathed deeply, sleep swiftly crashing over her and she gave into it willingly, feeling as though she was safe from the threat of ghostly visitors.

* * *

It was cold…the room had been nice and warm, Johanna thought sleepily as she began to wake; a shiver racing through her body. Jim had turned the heat up before he left; why did she feel so chilly? She snuggled against the back of her chair, her eyes still closed, refusing to give up on her nap; but then the sound of the piano jerked her awake. Her heart thumped against her ribs as she bolted upright in the chair; her eyes moving in the direction of the piano, landing upon the figure that sat upon the piano bench; a slight shimmer around her being.

"Mama?" Johanna murmured; her throat suddenly tight and dry.

Naomi McKenzie turned her head in her daughter's direction and smiled. "If you'd allow yourself to sleep at night, you wouldn't have to nap during the day," she remarked.

She shivered once more. "It's hard to sleep lately…when it's quiet and dark; it's easier for things to stick in your mind."

Her mother nodded. "I know, dear. I also know that you better start playing this piano more; you need the practice. I've heard you hit a few sour notes every once in awhile. You try to be perfect on the first try…you get in a hurry and try to rush the music…and you know that I taught you to take your time; to let it flow naturally."

"Mom, what are you doing here?" Johanna asked; her heart still racing.

"You know why I'm here; Johanna. Your grandmother told you that you'd be having a few visitors. You shouldn't look so surprised and worried."

"Yeah; well, one ghostly encounter can be overlooked but two feels worrisome."

Her mother gave a soft laugh. "But you were quietly preparing for it…you even mentioned to Jim that you talk to me; and I want you to know, Bambina, that I'm always listening when you talk; don't ever feel silly about it or worry about your sanity. I'm listening, and when I can, I try to nudge you in whichever direction you need to go or to offer some form of comfort by allowing you to feel my presence…and popping into your dreams."

Johanna swallowed hard. "I miss you so much, Mama."

"I know, baby; I miss you too. Come closer; let me see you," her mother beckoned; making room on the bench for her to join her.

She got up from her chair with little hesitation; fighting the urge to run; wondering if it was possible to throw herself into her mother's arms for the embrace she had been craving and needing for so long. The familiar scent of her mother's perfume filled her senses as she slid onto the bench. "Mama," she murmured as she stared at her; her hands reaching, but pulling back, afraid there would be nothing but air for her fingertips to meet, despite being able to hug Sarah during her visit.

Naomi smiled softly. "I know."

"Can I please hug you?" she pleaded.

"Not right now…maybe later."

"I was able to hug Sarah," Johanna stated; hoping to plead her case for the use of whatever power Sarah had that had allowed that one hug.

"We'll discuss it later," Naomi insisted. "Your grandmother's hug satisfied you because you had never felt it before…but us…it won't feel the same, Bambina. You'll know the difference."

"Anything is better than nothing," she cried. "Please."

"Later, Johanna," she said soothingly; a cool fingertip grazing her daughter's chin. "Our visit is just beginning."

"Mama; am I dying? Is that why you're all coming?"

"Now you know you're not," Naomi remarked. "Your grandmother told you that you're not going anywhere; that you have a lot of life ahead, sweetheart. Don't be frightened of us; we're not bringing bad omens or bad news. We're coming because you seem to need us so badly…I didn't think it would be so worrisome for you."

"How could it not be?" she asked.

"Because you were told that you were fine."

"No offense to Sarah, but I trust you more."

"You're perfectly fine," Naomi assured. "You're not going anywhere and neither is anyone else you're worried about. We're here because you need us…you're troubled."

"That's putting it lightly," Johanna replied as she relaxed a bit.

Naomi nodded. "Before we get started, there's something we need to get straight."

Johanna twisted her hands nervously. "What?"

Her mother eyed her sternly. "This business of you always saying that I'm disappointed in you. Nothing could be further from the truth. I've never been ashamed of you, Johanna Elizabeth McKenzie; and I better never hear those words cross your lips again or you'll get a visit from me you won't like."

Her chin quivered, tears filling her eyes. "How can you not be ashamed of me? I left my family…you never would've done that."

Cold, pale fingers, griped her chin; her mother's blue eyes stern as she forced her to hold her gaze. "To keep my children safe; I'd do anything…even if it meant I had to leave them. It would kill me inside, but I'd do it; any mother would do whatever it took to keep her child safe; even if it meant removing herself from their lives."

"You're just telling me that so I'll feel better," she murmured.

Naomi studied her intently. "Johanna, why did you leave?"

"You know why, Mom."

"Tell me."

"I left because the F.B.I. came to me and said that they had received a tip from a trustworthy source that there was a contract out on me. The source revealed the details of how it was to go down, but wouldn't reveal the person who ordered the hit. They had an idea though of who it was; he'd been on their radar but they didn't have enough hard, creditable evidence to make a case against him. He was good at looking clean…of hiding his dirty business," she stated; her slender hands shaking as she recalled the meeting.

"Go on," her mother encouraged.

"The tip said there was a trap laid for me…the F.B.I. said I had two choices; go along with their plan and go into hiding or take my chances. They told me that staying and avoiding the trap would only anger the person behind it…that if he had no qualms about killing me, he wouldn't have any problem killing Jim and Katie to make a point to me before finally taking me down. I couldn't take that chance…I couldn't play with their lives like that. I couldn't put them in that kind of danger for me. The F.B.I. said I couldn't tell anyone; that it had to look authentic; if it didn't and Jim and Katie acted suspiciously, it could put them in danger…the same danger they were working to remove. I made them promise me that they'd keep an eye on them…that if there was even the slightest hint of danger that they'd send them to be with me."

"So you made sure they were going to be taken care of," Naomi remarked.

"I was so afraid," Johanna whispered. "Afraid for them; afraid for me. I didn't want to go but I couldn't stay knowing they could pay the price for it. I couldn't tell them either. It hurt so much. I didn't want to go…but I didn't want them to be in danger…and I didn't want to die," she sobbed.

"Of course you didn't," her mother soothed. "And you weren't supposed to; that's why you were saved."

"I only thought it would be for a little while…I didn't know it would take so long. I never let myself believe that I wouldn't get back home…but if I hadn't left, I knew I wouldn't have the chance to come back to them…"

"And the option you took ensured that all three of you would be alive when you were reunited," Naomi stated. "You left because it was the only real option; you did it for the good of all of you."

Johanna nodded as she swiped at her cheeks. "I didn't know what else to do."

"There was nothing else to do; you did what you were supposed to. You don't need to agonize over making that choice; it was the right one, honey. You're meant to be here with Jim and Katie. It wasn't your time. You had a good reason."

"Some beg to differ."

"Those fools don't matter," her mother said tartly. "Did you leave because you were bored with your life and wanted something new?"

"No! I loved my life; I was happy. I had Katie in college and Jim and I were starting a new chapter of our lives now that we had raised our child. We had dreams and plans…there was never a day when I wasn't looking forward to coming home to him. I was still getting used to having Katie away from home so much…I missed her so badly."

Naomi gave a nod. "You weren't bored with your marriage; you didn't run off with another man?"

"You know I didn't and I never would!" Johanna exclaimed sharply; anger at the mere suggestion flooding her body. "I love my husband; he's the only man I ever want; there could never be another. I've never been unfaithful to him and if you're around as much as you claim to be then you ought to know that!"

Naomi gave a soft laugh. "There's my girl," she said warmly. "I know you've never been unfaithful to Jim; just as I've never been unfaithful to your father. I was just making you realize that your reason for going was pure; you had no other option. Your choice spared all of you. You're home now; yes, it took longer than anyone would've liked, but it had to be this way; and all that matters is that you're here now…you're rebuilding; your husband still loves you; he understands and he welcomed you home. Your daughter still loves you and understands."

She scoffed a little. "Sometimes I'm not sure about Katie."

Her mother gave a small smile. "We'll get to her in a minute. But the point is; you were in an impossible situation and you made the only logical choice. It was the choice of a woman who loves her family and wants to keep them safe; and who also wants to keep herself safe so that she can come back to them and be a part of their lives again. You have to make your peace with that, Johanna. It happened this way because it was how it was supposed to be. I know that if things could've been done differently; if you had the chance to go back and do it all over, you wouldn't take that case…but you can't do it over. You're alive and so are they; because you did what you had to do. Make your peace, sweetheart…you have to or it's going to eat you alive. You'll never be completely happy until you forgive yourself. You didn't do anything wrong…you need to let go a little; find forgiveness and understanding within yourself."

"That's hard to do," she sniffled.

"I know…but you have to; not just for you; but for everyone. Those who want to use it against you see that you're still deeply feeling the affects and they're able to use it as their weapon; wounding you all the more…you need to stop making it so easy for them. I'm not trying to hurt you, Bambina; but you've got to make your peace…you have to show them that you know in your heart that you did the right thing…and I think you do know it; but you're a sensitive soul…you feel so deeply; I guess you get that from me; it's not easy for you to hide how you feel; especially when it comes to guilt…and as much as I hate to say it; in that respect, your father was right…it is a weakness. In the courtroom, you were able to mask your feelings; what you thought and felt…and sometimes you still can with the family; but in public, you're an open book as soon as they look at your face and they're using it against you. Make your peace; find that part of you that can mask your inner most thoughts and feelings when you're in the lions den. You have to try, Johanna. You have to make that effort; it'll make things easier for you. Find your fire…you've always had enough to blaze for days on end. It's in there; I know it is; find it; use it, show everyone that you remember exactly who you are."

"I'll try," she promised softly. "It's not that I like to be this way…I'm trying to be better; really I am."

"I know," her mother replied; her hand moving to pat her daughter's knee.

"It's the hardest thing I've ever had to do," Johanna murmured. "I knew it wouldn't be easy…but I never thought, or allowed myself to think, that it would be as hard as it has been."

"It'll get better," Naomi assured. "These things take time; you're all making an adjustment…there are bumps in the road and growing pains. I know they frighten you; but try not to panic in the face of them. I know you give all of your effort and concentration to making things better for Jim and Katie; but darling, you can't forget yourself in the process. You have to give some of the effort and caring to yourself. You're just as important, Johanna; don't forget that."

A part of her felt chastened, but she understood that her mother was telling her these things because she loved her and wanted what was best for her. "I'll try harder, Mama."

"Try harder for yourself; not to please me," Naomi stated.

She nodded. "I promise."

Her mother grew silent for a moment, her fingers touching the keys of the piano, tapping out a brief tune, as if she was allowing Johanna a moment to collect herself before moving on to the next topic.

"Tell me about Katie," Naomi softly encouraged.

Johanna shrugged. "I'm sure you know."

"Tell me," she demanded gently.

She shifted on the bench; her fingers curling inwards, her nails digging into her palm. "When I came home it was very difficult between us," she began.

"But after a little trial and error, you found your footing and made progress with her," Naomi remarked.

"Yes; we made a lot of progress while I was staying with her. I felt like we were on the right track."

"And you don't anymore?"

A soft scoff crossed her lips. "Depends on what day it is…sometimes it feels right. Sometimes it feels like she's ashamed of me; like I embarrass her…sometimes it feels like she hates me and wishes I would just go away now that she knows the truth."

"Do you really believe that?" Naomi asked.

"I believe that I'm a failure as a mother," Johanna stated. "I may have done the right thing by walking away to keep us all safe…but it made me a failure in every other aspect."

"While you were away; was there ever a day when you didn't think of your daughter?"

"No," she answered softly. "I thought about her every day."

"And you missed her?"

"So badly…it hurt so much to be away from her."

"And you tried to keep up with what she was doing, didn't you?"

Johanna nodded. "It was easier to keep track of her once Rick started releasing the Nikki Heat books; but I was always searching for mentions of her or Jim…always checking in with that agent to make sure they were okay."

"And when she was hurt?" Naomi asked.

"Mama…I don't want to talk about that."

"I was with you every day in Wyoming, Johanna…I was with you when they took you away; I was with you there…I was with you the day you saw her face on the news and learned that she had been shot. I saw your anguish…"

"Please," Johanna begged softly; her eyes squeezing shut. "I don't want to think about that time…I finally managed to push it far enough away…please, Mama."

"I was there, Johanna," Naomi said once more; refusing to relent. "I saw how you ached; your tears, your sleepless nights, your harassing phone calls to that agent in effort to keep up with her condition. I heard your pleas…the darkness that wrapped around you. I was there when you opened that bottle of wine and drank it, trying to drown yourself. I came to you that night…"

"I know it didn't help anything…I know I thought pretty bad things," she cried. "I was just…"

"I know, dear; you were in the depths of despair…because you're a mother who loves her child with all of her heart and couldn't bear the thought of losing her in a more permanent way. You took the blame for what happened to her and it drove you into that dark abyss. What matters is that you pulled yourself out. I know you brushed my visit off as a dream; but I was there, and you had enough of your faculties to listen to reason…because deep down you knew the things you were doing and thinking weren't the answer…you couldn't find a solution at the bottom of a bottle of wine…and you couldn't find it in the nightstand drawer; that there had to be another way."

She nodded; it was true, she had known deep down inside that there was another way…and that way was to try and pull herself together and make the decision about going home. It had taken her a year…a year to fully accept every possible consequence, of doubting, of trying to put the pieces back together so she wouldn't be just an empty shell of a person when they first saw her again; she hadn't really succeeded in that area, but at least she had gotten on the plane, consequences be damned, and came home to find her daughter; to stop her from getting herself killed; to tell her family the truth, to be free again, to end that lonely, empty feeling that threatened to consume her every day.

"You did what any good mother would do," Naomi stated. "You put yourself back in jeopardy to come home; to tell her the truth…and I know all of your reasons for doing that; but there's one you always leave off the list when you speak of it to Katie and Jim or anyone else."

She stiffened slightly. "And what do you think that is?"

"You were hoping that once you were revealed; the target would shift to you and away from Katie…you were thinking that if you were back here and they realized it, they'd look at you as unfinished business and Katie would become unimportant to them; they'd want you. Isn't that true, Johanna?"

She nodded; her throat tight with the emotions that she hadn't wanted to delve back into.

"You did what any mother would do; put herself on the front line in hopes of saving her child; because her child's life is more important to her than her own."

"I couldn't let her die for me," she whispered. "That's not the way it's supposed to be. I'd give my life for hers; she's not supposed to give hers for me."

"Thankfully neither one of you had to make that sacrifice," Naomi remarked. "You're both here…you've made progress."

"Some progress," Johanna remarked. "Sometimes it doesn't feel like it's been as much as I thought. With some space between us now that I'm home; it feels like some of the progress has been lost."

"Why do you feel that way?"

Johanna breathed deeply. "Sometimes I feel her trying to put that wall back up between us. There's a lot of unwanted attention right now…and I know somewhere inside she looks at it and thinks about how she wouldn't have that annoyance in her life if it wasn't for me…and she's right. I feel like she's pulled away. She only comes to visit when something's wrong; at least it feels that way most of the time. I can only get her to the table for a meal if she's feeling guilty for something. Sometimes it feels like we're fine…but a lot of times it doesn't. I know I embarrass her by the way I try to blend into the background in public. It just…"

"It just what?" Naomi asked.

"It just feels like she's back to wanting to keep me at arms length. When she needs me, then it's perfectly fine, like barely anything has changed…but when she doesn't have a problem that she needs someone to be a sounding board for…then she doesn't really want me around. I don't blame her…but it hurts."

Naomi gave her a soft smile. "You know; regardless of this situation; this problem isn't unique to you. All mothers and daughters go through things like this. Sometimes all you can do is let her go for a little while; she'll come back to you…you came back to me."

Johanna gave her a puzzled look. "What are you talking about?"

"How soon we forget," her mother chuckled. "The year was 1975; your sister was getting married and I was pushing you a little too much to settle down. We were at odds with each other for the first half of that year…maybe a little longer. I remember the night of Colleen's rehearsal dinner when you informed me that after the wedding; you wouldn't be coming around for awhile…and you kept your promise. You didn't visit, you didn't call…I didn't see you until your grandfather was dying; and even then it was strained. We had a talk in the hospital cafeteria; I apologized for hurting you and you said you'd need time. I thought maybe you were going to ease back in but then you and your father had that big blow up after Patrick's funeral and instead of easing in, you stayed away for another month or so…you didn't even tell me that you had left town on vacation. I had to hear it from Valerie."

"Mama; that was totally different," Johanna stated with a sigh.

"The circumstances are different; but the problem is the same in both stories; a disconnect between mothers and daughters. When we talked that day in the hospital cafeteria; I told you that we're all just works in progress; that all we can do is try to improve as we go along. You gave the same advice to Katie one day not long ago."

"I remember both instances but I don't know what you're driving at."

"I think you do; you just don't want to hear it."

"So you're telling me to stop trying," Johanna remarked.

"No…I'm saying you have to let her go for awhile…let her go so she can find her way back; she'll come back when she's ready."

Johanna scoffed. "You make it all sound so easy; but this isn't anything like the petty things we had between us."

"Those weren't petty matters, Johanna. They were issues between us and when you pushed me away, I had to let you go…and you came back. Katie will come back too."

"That's easy for you to say!" she exclaimed as she surged to her feet. "You haven't done what I've done!"

"What's been done doesn't matter," Naomi said sharply. "What matters is how it's fixed; and you're never going to fix it by holding on so desperately. Let her go. Katie's a grown woman who knows her own mind and heart. She knows where you are if she wants you; and believe me, she will. Let her wake up one day with the thought in mind, 'I haven't talked to Mom in weeks; I miss her'. You don't corner the market on missteps in parenting, Johanna Elizabeth. Do you think I don't have regrets? I may have never been put in the position you've been in but I have plenty of regrets about my parenting."

"Like what?" she asked tartly. "What did you ever do that kept you up at night, Mom? That day you poured me the wrong cereal when I was five? I forgive you, don't worry about it. You were perfect; all I ever wanted was to be like you and I failed. I'm not good like you; not in any way."

"I was never perfect, Johanna; you know that. There were plenty of times when you thought I was unfair, overbearing, nosy and downright wrong. Don't you stand there and look me in the face and say otherwise, because I assure you, I can and will find the power to smack your mouth for you if you need it, little girl."

"Little girl," she muttered, rolling her eyes. "I'm so far from that it isn't even funny."

"You're my little girl," Naomi exclaimed; her tone angry. "You think I don't have regrets; I had regrets every day…because it's my fault that your father treated you the way he did."

"How do you figure?" Johanna asked. "That was his doing; he hated me because I resembled his mother and have a few of her traits. How was that your doing? He was the one who couldn't make his peace with her; the one that held genetics against me."

"It's my fault because in my effort to try and get him to make his peace, I tried too hard to make him see that a pair of green eyes were a blessing; that if you had her eyes it meant her legacy was living on. I meant it to comfort him…but he only pointed out your head full of dark hair and your chin; telling me that you just looked too much like her…it didn't even dawn on him that he had those same features, with the exception of the eyes. The more he tried to make it out to be a bad thing, the more I tried to convince him that it was good…I even tried to point out that really you were just a dark haired, green eyed version of me if he looked at my baby pictures, because that was the truth; you may resemble Sarah but you also resemble me. I wanted to honor Sarah by naming you after her…your father raged for days; there was no way in hell that his daughter was going to be named Sarah."

"And I'm not named that," Johanna remarked.

"Don't play dumb with me," Naomi retorted. "You know the truth…you know Sarah's middle name was Johanna; your father told you so in his letter. He told you the whole story of how you were to be named Melissa until he started going on about how you looked like his mother. Like I said, I wanted to honor her…I thought it would help Frank find some measure of peace. I figured if the name Sarah was too much, then her middle name would be fine; she could be honored and your father would have a little detachment to that name. I was wrong. He was furious; I thought he'd get over it…I thought I could force that part of him to heal…I made it all worse. I should've convinced him that aside from your eye and hair color that you looked like me and no one else. I should've named you Melissa like we planned. My instance that he come to peace with the loss of his mother by honoring her through your name, signed you up for a life of heartache with your father. It was my fault…and I regret it. I wish I had done things differently…and even if it hadn't made a difference, I should've done more to keep him from being the way he was at times. I don't have a good excuse for any of it…I just did my best to love and comfort; to give you all the feeling he wouldn't despite the fact that he loved you."

"His issues weren't your fault," she argued.

"They might not have been my fault; but naming you after Sarah was…and maybe I could've done more. I thought I was doing all I could at the time when you were a child…but by the time you grew up, it was clear that I hadn't done enough despite my best efforts. You don't know how much I hurt over it; sometimes I felt like a terrible mother."

"You weren't; you did everything you could. You loved me and I was happy; I never blamed you for anything between me and Dad."

"But I blame me," Naomi said firmly; "And you can't change that…just like you're always going to blame yourself for the regrets you carry. Mothers and daughters play tug of war, Johanna; they get into those areas where one pushes and the other pulls away. That's why you have to let go of the rope. Let her go. She'll come back."

"What if she doesn't?"

"You have to trust that she will."

Johanna shook her head. "I don't think I'm ready to do that. I'm not ready to give up completely."

"No one's asking you to give up; letting go isn't giving up anything…it's waiting for things to straighten out either on its own or by someone else's hand. You don't have to do all the work; you know that, you've already backed off once and she came to you; so you know that if you do it again; she'll come back again."

"I feel like you're talking about letting go in a bigger way though."

"Maybe I am," Naomi said seriously. "She can't keep pushing you away if you've stepped back out of reach. You can't keep being the only one to blame, Johanna. Let her take some. It takes two people to make a relationship work; whether it be a husband and wife or a mother and a daughter. You can't do all the work alone."

"But I'm the one who caused things to crumble; that makes it my job to repair it."

Naomi shook her head. "It's not all your job; you have to do half the work, she has to do half the work. She needs to make her peace just like you need to make yours. You can't live your life in fear of losing her in this way; do you realize that it could've always come to this no matter what happened in your lives? Mothers and daughters are always finding ways to push against each other; do you think I never pushed my mother away? You pushed me away…and you came back, just like I went back and Katie will come back. The more you try, the more she resists; you know it isn't working and yet you keep going down that road."

Frustration made Johanna pace the floor; her hands curled into fists. "I keep going down this road because I was fooled into thinking we found the exit and it was only a roundabout. I thought we were going to be okay but the wall is going back up; it doesn't have the hatefulness that was there when I first came home but it's a wall none the less."

"It's a wall you have to learn to scale a different way. I know her reluctance to stay as close as you'd like hurts you; but sweetheart, there isn't much you can do about it. You don't have to let go today if you aren't ready…but the longer you wait, the more damage is done and the inevitable blow out will be bigger and angrier and it'll be harder to deal with. If you start backing off in the near future; it may help you more than you think."

She was quiet as she continued to pace; frustration, fear and overwhelming emotion coursing through her. Deep down inside she knew her mother was right. She sighed; a part of her had always hated it when her mother was right…and apparently that part of her still existed. She wasn't ready to follow the advice just yet…but she knew she might not have a choice in using it sometime in the near future. "I guess being a mother never gets easier," she said softly.

Naomi gave her a soft smile. "No, it doesn't. Please sit back down; I've always hated it when you paced. You get that from your father, you know."

Johanna narrowed her eyes at her. "You say that about everything."

Her mother laughed. "Well, darling; you are his daughter, you can't deny it. You're so much like him; stubborn as the day is long, temperamental, smart…"

She frowned. "Just so you know, I'm not taking any of this as a compliment."

"I'm not surprised; you always did get mad when I'd bring it to your attention."

"I just wanted to be like you," she murmured. "Good and decent…you never made the number of mistakes I've made. You were always together and I'm always a mess."

"That's not true," Naomi remarked. "You are good; you're a good woman, Johanna; a good wife and a good mother…a good daughter. You're decent; you've never taken a life, you never compromised your principals by dealing in shady business. You're faithful to your husband; you raised your child to be a good decent woman."

"Then why do I keep feeling so ugly inside?"

"Because you haven't forgiven yourself for doing what you had to do, even though it was right. That's why I keep telling you to make peace with it; you're never going to be able to move on until you do. This situation you're in now…this is where you should embrace being Frank McKenzie's daughter. You need that fire, darling; you need to blaze like you always did. Show them what McKenzies are made of. You've got that part of your father in you; use it. I want to see you take back control, Johanna. Dig deep, find what you need and don't be afraid to use it. People might get angry but who cares? They'll get over it."

Johanna couldn't help but smirk a little. "Tell me, Mother; is my sister ever going to get over it?"

Naomi's eyes narrowed and she jabbed a finger in Johanna's direction as she paused in her pacing. "First of all, you know I hate it when you call me mother, don't do it again. Second; your sister is next on my list."

"Next on your list for what?"

"Divine intervention," Naomi remarked. "I'm going to put her uppity little behind back on the straight and narrow. She might not come see you right away; she'll have to stew about it as always; but mark my words; one day she'll come. Colleen's problem is that she's never lost that ability to be incredibly selfish. She also has never grown up in some respects. I'm not sure where exactly I went wrong with her, but I did…it's another parenting regret I have. Your sister has always been jealous of you, Johanna. You were older, you got to do everything before her. You got better grades; got into an Ivy League college, had a more lucrative career. She thought she beat you when she married a wealthy man…but she didn't. You and Jim don't want for money and your marriage has always been stronger and deeper than hers ever has been. You've always been closer to your child than Colleen is to any of hers."

"Colleen didn't want children," Johanna remarked as she returned to her spot on the bench.

"I know…children got in the way of everything she liked to do and she has little patience for them. So you see, you had the better job, caught the better man, you're a better mother to your child. Colleen loves you; but she's never been able to deal with her jealousy…she thought she won when you were away…but then you came home and you got the two most important things back; your husband and daughter. She claims to be angry because she was lied to…but really the issue is of her own making, Johanna. It's not so much about you as it is her. I know she's been awful and I'm so sorry for that. Colleen is a work in progress just like everyone else…but her progress is very slow. I'll do my best to speed it up; because there are a lot of things in her life right now that I'm not pleased with and she's going to hear about it."

She smiled a little. "I guess the only one that isn't on your list is Frankie."

Naomi gave her a wry smile. "I popped in on Frankie in a dream; I told him how much you needed him and that he better get over here and see you. He's a good boy, he listened."

"Yeah, he did; I'm glad he came…things are good between us. I'm so glad to have him and Valerie on my side. They never hesitated…they don't know what that means to me."

"I think your brother does know," Naomi replied. "Because it means a lot to him that you were so willing to wipe the slate of the past clean and welcome him with open arms. He had his own regrets, Bambina; and now he's making amends, allowing himself to be the good brother he always knew he could be. He'll be there for you whenever you need him."

"That's good to know," she murmured.

"What's on your mind, Johanna?"

She quiet for a long moment as she contemplated her words. "Why didn't you ever tell me about Dad's issue with me?"

"Because I didn't want to hurt you anymore than you already were. There wasn't anything you could do about the few features and personality traits that you had inherited from Sarah. I was afraid that if I told you, you'd go straight to your father and want to talk about it and it would all blow up."

"Why didn't you tell me after he was gone?"

Naomi's head bowed slightly. "I was afraid."

"Of what?"

"That you'd be angry with me; not only for keeping it from you, but for naming you after her when I knew how your father had been carrying on about it. I was afraid you'd resent me…I could live with blaming myself but I wasn't sure I could live with seeing disdain in your eyes and knowing it was directed at me. I was afraid I would lose you."

Johanna shook her head. "I would've never turned my back on you, Mom. What would be the point in getting angry with you over a name? There's no guarantee that he would've treated me any better if my name had been Melissa…I still would've had her eyes and hair color."

"I know," she said softly. "But what ifs have a way of dogging a person…you know that."

"Yeah, I do."

"See, I wasn't as perfect as you thought," Naomi remarked. "I had regrets and secrets of my own. You love me…you look at me through rose colored glasses; ignoring things I could've done better because I was the one who was always there for you; giving you the affection that your father wouldn't. I don't blame you for that; we're all guilty of looking at our mother's through rosy lenses…but then one day we discover that they're only human too and it's an adjustment that takes some getting used to. That's part of the problem with Katie; she's had to learn that you're human, a woman with fears, insecurities, mistakes and regrets among her many attributes…just like her. You measure yourself up to me, and Katie measures herself by you…you feel like you failed in comparison to me…Katie feels like she fails in comparison to you…and when you don't act in the way that she feels that rosy image should, she gets angry, because it's a reminder that she had to grow up and realize that her mother, despite always trying, wasn't a superhero…just like you learned, in that timeframe of your sister's wedding, that I wasn't as special and perfect as you thought I was. Let's be honest, Johanna; there were times when I hurt you, even though I never intended to or wanted to. There were times when I couldn't be there for you in the way you wanted. There were times when you felt like I just didn't understand. There were times when I drove you crazy. As individuals, we're a work in progress…and our relationships as mothers and daughters are a work in progress too. Some chapters end, new ones begin, lines get changed, people evolve…they get hurt and let down, they rediscover, they cope and get over it, rebuild, grow stronger. You know that; it's a part of every relationship. The bond between mother and daughter can wobble at times, but it never really breaks, sweetheart…try not to be so afraid of letting go a bit. She's still connected to you by the heart strings; that's why she'll always come back to you."

Sadness filled her as she touched her fingers to the keys of the piano. "I guess if it comes down to that, I won't have any choice but to let her go and stay away."

"I'm not trying to make you feel worse, Johanna," Naomi told her softly as she watched her daughter's fingers begin to dance across the keys.

She scoffed. "Well you're not exactly making me feel better or optimistic."

"Sometimes when you're struggling to find your way it doesn't feel good and optimism runs low, but you have to push through it anyway. Life never delivers something that we can't handle."

Johanna sighed. "I've learned to hate those words, Mother."

"Why? They've been proven. You survived something so very horrible…Katie survived, so did Jim. We might feel like we're floundering, but in the end, we learn to adapt and we overcome."

"Yeah; I know…but it's getting there that's the problem."

"It's not a problem if you let go of the fears that are holding you back."

She felt like crying…she didn't like this. It was good to see her mother…but the conversation left a lot to be desired. She had always thought that her mother would offer comfort…that she'd find some magic words to make her feel better like she always had before. This was all wrong…all this was was a discussion of what she was doing wrong; wrong in actions, wrong in feelings, wrong in thoughts. So much for Sarah's statements about these visits being helpful. She wasn't feeling very helped…she was feeling chastened.

"I've disappointed you," Naomi remarked softly.

"What makes you say that?" she asked; her voice tight with emotion.

"I know you," her mother said simply.

"You always told me to be careful what I wished for," Johanna remarked.

Naomi studied her for a moment. "Meaning?"

"Meaning that all these years I wished we could talk again…and it hasn't gone the way I would've liked."

"I'm sorry. Is there anything I can do to make it a little better?"

"Can I hug you now?" Johanna asked; her emotions in turmoil as frustration filled her.

"Johanna," her mother said softly. "It really wouldn't be the same…it wouldn't be the way you remember. It would be better to save that for in your dreams…there it can feel the same."

She shook her head. "I can't believe you; you come here and lecture me and then deny me the ability to hug you!? How can you do that to me? Did you really think you could just pop in here and not expect me to want to hug you? I've been wanting to hug you for nearly twenty years! It's not fair, Mom!"

"I'm not trying to hurt you…I just don't want you to find it lacking. It'll feel better when I visit you in your dreams."

She scoffed. "What was the point in any of this? I can't hug you; you didn't make me feel better; all I got was a list of things I'm doing wrong. All of these years I just wanted to have the ability to have you make me feel better like you always used to do…you're my mother, you're supposed to make it better!"

Naomi looked at her with a mixture of sadness and sympathy. "Sometimes you have to make yourself feel better, Johanna. There's no magic cure…no one can make you feel completely better."

"You're wrong," she said sharply. "Jim always makes me feel better!"

Her mother's brow rose. "If that's true, then why are you always so afraid?"

The comment struck her like a slap across the face. "You're calling me a liar? You're saying my husband doesn't comfort me? He's done more for me than anyone ever has…at any time in my life!"

"You're angry," Naomi stated.

She laughed bitterly. "Are you surprised? How am I supposed to feel? People keep picking at wounds that are trying to heal. I get hounded and criticized, ostracized by people who used to care about me, branded as a habitual liar. I have my daughter telling me to go to counseling and air my dirty laundry to some stranger for 200 dollars an hour; I have ghosts popping into my life without an invitation to lecture me some more and then deny me a simple gesture of affection You're damn right I'm angry. Sarah let me hug her and I never even met her when she was alive!"

"And I told you that her hug satisfied you because you had never felt it before. You would know the difference if I hugged you now."

"Shouldn't that be my decision?

Naomi sighed. "Let's get back to the topic of your anger…you have a lot of anger, Johanna."

"I can't imagine why."

"It's for more reasons than you listed," her mother remarked. "You're angry about everything that's happened in the last thirteen years. You're angry that it happened to you, to your family, to other people's families. You're angry that it took so long to get back home, the time you lost, the reactions, the judgment you feel people casting upon you. You're so angry…and you keep it buried because you're so afraid to show it; afraid you'll make someone angry, afraid you'll offend, that you have no right, afraid that you'll do detrimental harm…but holding it in isn't good for you. It's the worst thing you could do. You so rarely let it out…and when you do, it's always restrained with exception of when you unleash it upon that young man that Katie is smitten with. Why is it easy for you to show your anger to him when he provokes you?"

She was growing angrier by the minute. "Probably because I already know that he isn't always overly fond of me; he tries for Katie's sake but I know he doesn't like me as much as he claims and I don't really care all that much. I like Rick, he's a good man, good for Katie and he loves her and that's all that matters to me. He looks at me and sees a woman who abandoned her family and he does his best to ignore what he thinks of that because he loves Katie. I don't have anything to lose where he's concerned…and just so you know, it's not easy to show him my anger; I try very hard not to because I don't want to upset Katie."

"See what I mean?" Naomi asked. "You hold back because you're afraid of what Katie might think, say or do. You do the same with Jim. You never used to be that way; you never used to be this fearful little mouse."

Johanna's anger intensified; rushing through her in red hot wave. "Why don't you just go?" she said through clenched teeth. "You've done what you came to do, now go; and don't bother popping in on Colleen on my behalf because I don't care what that little bitch thinks of me. I don't need her; I never have."

"Don't call your sister that," Naomi said sharply.

"I'll call her whatever the hell I want and I don't give a damn if you like it or not. You want to know where you went wrong with her, Mom? Let me tell you where; it's because you gave into her all the time. Everything she did was excused because she was the baby. When she was little and did something to me or Frankie it was always 'now, dear, you have to understand, 'she's just a baby' or it was 'she's just a little girl, she doesn't understand things the way you do'. She always got her way in everything. All she had to do was plead a case of cramps and my sorry ass was the one standing at the sink washing dishes when it was her turn…if she had had her period as often she claimed, she would've bled to death within a month but that never seemed to dawn on you; just like when she'd blame me or Frankie for things she did and half the time you believed her which is why I tried to run away when I was 12! You let her do whatever she wanted. Me and Frankie had to go work with Dad a few days a week in the summer when we were teenagers but too young to get an actual summer job; but Princess Colleen whined and he paid her to stay home and watch soaps with you! And you didn't say a word about it. So that's where you went wrong, Mom. Dad thought you coddled me; he should've taken a harder look at prissy pants; if anyone was coddled it was her!"

"Are you finished?" Naomi asked.

"Yeah, I'm finished," she said tartly. "I'm done with this whole damn thing so just go; you're time should be up, shouldn't it? Don't bother popping into my dreams either, I don't think we have anything left to discuss."

Her mother smiled softly despite the hint of sadness in her eyes. "I wasn't trying to hurt you, darling. I know you're upset with me…I didn't give you what you wanted from this visit…but it was for you own good."

"Yeah; everything always is," Johanna said; her voice wobbling. "It was nice seeing you, Mom. I still love you."

"I love you too, Baby…now come here," Naomi beckoned, her arms reaching for her.

Johanna shook her head. "Forget it; I don't want it when I had to beg for it."

Her mother laughed softly. "You're so much like your daddy; so very stubborn. Now come on…it won't be the same but we can make up for it in your dreams."

"No," she said as she turned away; her feelings still stinging; hurt and anger still coursing through her. All the times she had dreamed of seeing her mother like this…she had always imagined it would be comforting and consoling…where was the woman that she had always run to? The one that used to let her lay her head in her lap and cry out her sorrows while a soothing hand ran over her hair. Why couldn't she have gotten that side of her mother? Why did she have to get logical, practical, don't give an inch, Naomi? Didn't she get enough of that from the people that were still with her? This wasn't a visit; it was a punishment.

"Johanna," Naomi said softly. "Please come here."

"No."

"You're acting like the little girl you used to be," her mother told her.

"Well add it to my list of misdeeds, what's one more?"

"Johanna Elizabeth McKenzie; I said come here."

"Beckett," she said sharply. "It's Johanna Elizabeth Beckett."

"It'll always be McKenzie to me; marriage doesn't change who you are; now get over here."

"I'm a grown woman; I don't have to take orders from my mommy anymore."

Naomi glared at her. "You think so?"

"Yeah, I do; I mean, what are you going to do about it? Send me to my room? Don't waste your time, I'll go all on my own and you can go on your way."

"Freeze," Naomi said as Johanna headed for the door.

She kept walking, defiant and determined to leave her mother's ghost behind.

* * *

Johanna headed for the living room, surely the television could distract her until her ghostly visitor got the hint that she wasn't in the mood for anymore conversation…but as she entered the room, she saw that her mother was now sitting on the couch waiting for her.

"Did you really think that I couldn't find you?" her mother asked.

Johanna's lips pressed into a thin line, her eyes snapping with fire as she regarded her ghostly visitor.

Naomi chuckled. "Oh my, you sure do look like Sophia Calabrese when you make that face. I'm not surprised though, you have a healthy dose of my mother in your veins…you just forget to use it sometimes."

"Shouldn't you be going?" she asked.

Naomi shook her head. "If our visit hadn't derailed, I'd be going…but now I can't."

"Why not?"

"Because we'd have unfinished business. I can't leave until our visit has a satisfying conclusion."

She blew out a frustrated breath and flopped down on the opposite side of the sofa. She picked up the remote and began to flip channels, pointedly ignoring the spirit that was sharing the sofa with her.

"These new televisions are very nice," Naomi remarked as she regarded the flat screen TV. Your father would've wanted one."

Johanna didn't offer any comment although she agreed that her father would've liked the flat screen TVs and probably would've wanted the biggest one he could fit in the house.

"I'm sure he would've hated those cell phones though," Naomi went on. "He would've liked those laptops but he wouldn't have wanted a phone attached to him all the time."

She flicked her gaze toward her mother. "I thought Dad was up there with you."

"He is, dear."

"Then why are you sitting there acting like you haven't seen him?"

"Just making conversation until you decide to stop being angry with me."

"I think I have a right to be angry."

"Yes, you do…but be angry with the right people."

"Oh," Johanna said sarcastically. "I was supposed to be happy that you came to tell me to give up on my only child and to call me a liar and a mouse."

"I never called you a liar," Naomi stated.

"It was implied."

"Only in your own mind. I also didn't tell you to give up on Katie; I told you to take a step back and let her miss you and you agreed that it might have to come to that. You're trying to turn it back around because you got your feathers ruffled. I did call you a mouse because that's what you've been behaving like these days. Look at you, you're always home."

"You mean being here, being a housewife, taking care of my husband and my home is a bad thing? Forgive me, Mother; I must've forgotten about all the jet setting you did in your spare time between cooking meals, doing laundry and telling Dad not to read the newspaper at the table."

Naomi smacked her arm, fury in her eyes and Johanna yelped at the sharp tingle against her arm. So much for Jim's theory that ghosts couldn't hurt you.

"I've had just about enough of your smart mouth, little girl," Naomi said sternly. "I know what your problem is; you thought I was here to coddle you…well I can't coddle you this time, Johanna. Maybe your father was right; maybe I coddled you too much when you were young. You have to pick yourself up; you have to dig deep and find that spark again. I know you still have it; you're just not always using it when you should. You keep trying to break free and then you pull back because of one thing or another. Stop it."

Johanna pulled her knees up against her chest as she fought back tears. She wasn't going to let her mother see her shed another tear and be further branded as a weakling.

Her mother gave her a small smile. "You remind me of a little turtle hiding in its shell when you do that. You've always done it…I think it started when you were three. It's like you always thought that if you could just fold up small enough and hide in a shell, everything would go away or work out on its own. You know, your father once told me that you were a different person in the courtroom; you wore a mask there, you were in control. I believe that; you were very successful at your work so you had to have been able to turn off certain parts of yourself. You need to find the lawyer side of you again; that part of your identity is what you need…you need to be that again."

"I'm never going to be a lawyer again," Johanna stated. "Not a real one anyway. I'm a lawyer in name only because I have a law degree…but it won't ever be used again."

Naomi eyed her. "Never say never."

She met her mother's gaze. "I'm retired."

"You could be semi-retired like Jim."

"Jim said I'm retired from the law. If I want a job, I'll go back to teaching; that's what he'd prefer."

Naomi smirked a little. "He's not the boss of you."

"Neither are you."

"Touché," her mother responded as a commercial came on the TV advertising that Bewitched would be aired on a classics station later that day. "Do you remember when we used to watch Bewitched together?" she asked.

Johanna nodded. "Yeah…Dad would go in his office, he hated it."

"That didn't stop us from enjoying it though. I always liked that time…it was just you and me. Your brother always found something else to do and your sister always drifted off before the show was over because her attention would wander. When that show started airing, you were at an awkward age…thirteen…a little unsettled about changes you couldn't control, of breaking away from being a little girl and moving on to being a young lady. We butted heads a bit that year as you tried to find your way and I tried to find balance between helping you and letting you have room to grow on your own. But every Thursday night when that show came on, we'd sit down together, no matter what had happened during the day and we'd laugh…and try to wiggle our noses like Samantha and talk about all the places in the world we'd twitch ourselves if we could."

That gush of emotion pressed against her again, a tear rebelling and slipping down her cheek. "I remember," she whispered. "That's why I still watch it…it makes me feel close to you."

"Bambina," Naomi said softly as she moved closer to her daughter. "I didn't come to hurt you…I just wanted to help you and maybe I've been too harsh. I just want what's best for you…I want you to be happy and free like you had been dreaming of. See; even now I doubt the moves I make while parenting. I'm sorry if I hurt you with the things said here today…or in the past with the matter of your father. I love you so much, Johanna."

"I love you too," she replied; her voice cracking.

"Come here," her mother whispered as she reached for her, pulling her into the hug Johanna had so desperately wanted.

Johanna was hesitant to wrap her arms around the spirit, fearful like she had been when Sarah had allowed the gesture; but she gave in, her mother feeling whole as she clung to her. It wasn't the same though…just as she had been warned. She could feel Naomi holding her tightly but she didn't feel like she could hold on to her tight enough, despite digging her fingers into Naomi's favorite pink dress. Her mother's hug didn't hold the warmth she remembered from her lifetime or even in her dreams…because there was no warmth to be had in the being that had come to her. She squeezed her eyes shut, a sob tearing from her throat. She hadn't noticed it with Sarah because she had met her grandmother outdoors in the cold air that had numbed her. But she could feel the difference with Naomi; her love and affection was still there, the tightness of her arms…it just lacked the warm feeling she was accustomed to.

"It's alright," Naomi murmured. "I know it's not the same; but when I visit you in your dreams and I hug you there, it'll be the way you remember. Everything's going to be alright; it might be hard at times, but it'll be alright…and I'm always going to be with you; don't you ever worry that I won't be. You're my brave girl; you'll be just fine. You'll see…it's going to be fine, Bambina."

"You're leaving, aren't you?" she cried.

Naomi pulled back; her cool hands cupping Johanna's damp face. "Yes; you've had enough for now…we'll talk more in your dreams, but for now, you've had enough and I need to be going."

"Mama," she whispered. "Can't we talk about better things when you visit me again?"

"We will…but I feel like I may still have a few points to drive home with you; for your own good."

"I'm not in any hurry for the sequel to this discussion."

Naomi smiled and brushed her lips against Johanna's cheek. "I know, dear; but you know me; I don't let things like this go. I have to go now."

She shook her head. "I don't want you to go…I'm sorry I got angry, please don't go yet."

Her mother brushed away the tears that continued to fall. "It's alright; it was good for you to get mad. I didn't mind. I'm never really gone; I'm here with you, you know that. You talk to me whenever you want like you always do, I'm listening. I love you…I'll see you in your dreams."

"I love you too," Johanna whispered, her mother's hands slipping away from her face. Naomi gave her one last smile and then faded away. She whimpered, more sobs breaking free as she laid down on the couch cushion. It had felt good to see her…but it hurt so damn much to watch her go…to think about the things she said. The tears seemed to come from deep within her and she prayed that she'd have herself pulled together before Jim got home from work. If this was how these visits were going to be, she wasn't sure she wanted anymore. She felt badly that her visit with her mother had taken that turn into anger…but she had felt provoked. She felt torn; comforted by being with her mother…angry that she had been lectured by her as well. She couldn't win…not even with ghosts.

* * *

Johanna had managed to get herself together before her husband walked into the kitchen early that evening.

"Hi, honey," she said softly; moving in his direction and burying herself in his arms for a much needed hug; drinking in the warmth of his arms around her.

"It's nice to see you too," he said warmly as he held her tightly. "Did you miss me?"

"Always," she replied as she released him and pressed a kiss to his lips. "Did you find out anything about your phone?"

"They said there's nothing wrong with it!" Jim exclaimed. "They acted like I was crazy!"

"They couldn't find anything?" she asked.

"No; not a damn thing! And of course it didn't do it the whole time I was in there but the second I pulled in at the office, the damn thing went off."

Johanna laughed. "It's toying with you, honey."

"It's like it's possessed," he complained as he fished his phone from his pocket and looked at it.

"It could be," she agreed.

Jim glanced at her. "Were you watching more of those ghost shows?"

"Kind of," she said with a shrug. It wasn't a complete lie…she had seen a ghost that day.

"I told you not to watch those anymore."

"Well my talk show I watch was a repeat."

Jim nodded. "Did it say anything about possessed objects by any chance?"

"I've heard that sometimes ghosts likes to play with things," Johanna remarked as she shifted on her feet.

"What do you do about that?"

She shrugged. "I guess you just wait and hope that it gets tired of playing with it."

"And if it doesn't?"

"I guess you could try to reason with it," she replied, a small laugh crossing her lips as she thought about how odd it was to have this conversation when she was really having a ghost problem.

Jim scoffed. "Is it possible to reason with a ghost?"

"According to the shows on TV you can."

He pondered that for a moment as he studied his phone. "Maybe I should just delete the music off of it."

Johanna couldn't help but laugh as a thought came to mind. "What if you do that and it still randomly plays loud music?"

His gaze flicked back to hers. "Then we'd have a problem."

"We'd call Ghostbusters?" she asked in amusement.

"Ghostbusters and anyone else we can find in the phone book," Jim declared as he laid his phone on the table.

"I thought you weren't afraid of ghosts," Johanna reminded him with a smug look.

"I'm not afraid of ghosts…I just don't want them running around the house, scaring my wife."

"Uh huh; it's so convenient that you can use me as an excuse."

He grinned before brushing a kiss against her lips. "Well, sweetheart; that was on the list of reasons why I married you…I believe 'convenient excuse' might've been number ten on the list."

"So is that your confession that you're scared of ghosts?"

"Hell no," he declared. "I'm not afraid of some mischief making ghost…but you know, I don't want them hanging around all the time being a nuisance. We don't deserve that, do we?"

"No…but it could be a loved one."

"I'd think that's obvious," Jim replied. "Of course it's a relative…who else would want to annoy us?"

"True," she agreed.

"The real question is, which one and why?"

"Ours is not to question why," Johanna remarked; using the phrase Sarah had told her. As if on cue, Jim's phone began to blare music.

"I'll be damned," he said as he grabbed the device and hurriedly silenced it. "Whatever it is, it knows we're talking about it."

"Maybe that's our cue to change the subject."

"Could be…and I think this is all your fault."

"My fault!?" Johanna exclaimed. "How is it my fault? I haven't touched your phone!"

"Because you were the one talking about ghosts the other night and now all of a sudden my phone is possessed," Jim replied matter of factly.

"You were talking about them too!"

"Only because you started it."

Johanna arched a brow at him. "Hey; you were the one who wanted to go back to the Balfour for another ghostly experience…maybe the ghost decided to come to you this time, Mr. I'm not afraid of a ghost."

"Hey, you're the one who hasn't been able to sleep ever since you watched that show; I sleep fine."

"That may be, but no one's making my phone play music…and my keys haven't gone missing…and the remote works for me. The ghost is after you, not me."

"Why me?!"

She shrugged a shoulder. "Maybe you offended it; you know how you are…men are sometimes insensitive and you know, ghosts have feelings too, honey."

Jim smirked at her, noting the amusement in her eyes. "You think you're cute, don't you, Mrs. Beckett?"

"Adorable," she declared. "I was born that way."

He eyed her. "It's probably one of your relatives tormenting me on your behalf…the question is, which one?"

Nervous laughter bubbled from her lips. "What makes you say that?"

"Well who in my family would do this to me?"

"Your father; he'd think it was hilarious."

Jim frowned. "You've got a point there."

"I always do," she quipped.

His eyes lit up as he moved toward her, making her back up until she hit the counter. "Am I going to have to punish you for you're smugness, Sassy?"

"Depends; what do have in mind for my punishment?"

A grin crossed his lips. "That's for me to know and you to find out," he answered before capturing her lips in a kiss.

"I have a feeling I'm familiar with that punishment…and I'm not sure I want to indulge in it when there may be a ghost on the loose."

"We'll lock the door," he told her.

"Ghosts aren't deterred by locks…they can walk through walls."

Jim gave her a pat on her backside and a smile. "Way to kill a mood, sweetheart."

"Hey; it's not my phone that's possessed…you're the one being tormented."

"Yeah," he smirked. "For a grand total of 39 years now."

"Hey!" she exclaimed; swatting him playfully. "I think the torment you've inflicted on me is a little worse than what you experienced and I hope whoever's possessing your phone keeps doing it."

As if on cue; Jim's phone began to play music. "See," he said as he moved away from her to grab it; "That's definitely one of your relatives…you better have a word with them."

"Yeah, I'll do that," she jested. She'd do it when she was good and ready.

* * *

Johanna was still sleepy as she put breakfast on the plates the next morning. She had a feeling that after Jim left for work, she'd head back to bed for an hour or two. Her latest visit had left her feeling somewhat exhausted emotionally and she hoped that her next visitor would wait a few days before popping in…or better yet, forget to drop by altogether. It had been good to talk to her mother; nice to drink in the feeling of being with her again for a little while…but she still wasn't big on these visits; because apparently their purpose was to tell her everything she was doing wrong in her life and she felt like she already knew all about that. She got chastened enough by the living; did she really need lectures from the dead as well? She grimaced as that thought crossed her mind; maybe she shouldn't think such things, after all, they did seem to have the ability to read her mind…and she really didn't need angry ghosts coming after her…and who knew, maybe one of her forthcoming visitors was already angry.

She stifled a yawn as she buttered the toast and laid it on the plate. She had dreamed of her mother; she wondered if that counted as two visits because Naomi had picked up where she had left off when she had faded from sight in the living room. Johanna shook the thought away; she didn't need to dwell…she also didn't need to browbeaten. Of course her mother might disagree…as she had always had a habit of doing. She blew out a breath and carried the plates to the table as Jim came into the kitchen.

"Tie this damn thing," he muttered as he came closer, his hands dropping away from his tie in aggravation.

Johanna gave him an amused smile and reached for his tie, tying it swiftly and easily. "There you go," she murmured before brushing a soft kiss to his lips.

"I don't know how you got so good at that," he replied. "Some days my fingers just don't cooperate it and I end up going out the door without it; even though the firm frowns on that."

"Even if you're only there working in the background and doing consulting?"

Jim nodded. "Still have to follow the rules even though I'm being paid by whoever I'm working for."

"That's stupid."

"Yeah, it is, but we should be used to that; we've both worked there long enough to know the drill."

"That's true," she replied; unable to keep from yawning.

Jim caressed her face. "You're still sleepy, sweetheart…you were awake late again."

"I know; I just couldn't get to sleep at first."

He brushed a kiss against her lips and then stepped away to sit down at the table. "Go back to bed for a little while when I leave; I'll call in an hour or two and wake you so you don't sleep too long."

"Okay," she said as she reached for her cup of coffee to take a long fortifying sip before she picked up her fork and knife to cut into her pancake.

"Did you have a nice visit with your mother?" Jim asked.

The silverware slipped from her fingers and clattered against the plate as her head jerked upwards. "What?" she asked; her voice trembling. It wasn't possible for Jim to know about her visitors, was it?

"You were restless last night; you were also talking in your sleep now and then, and you were talking to your mother so I assumed she had popped into your dreams for a visit."

"Oh," she said as she quickly collected herself and picked up her silverware. "I did dream about her last night…I didn't realize that I talked in my sleep though; I hope that's not a habit I'm going to pick up."

Jim gave her a smile. "Sweetheart, you've always done it."

Her gaze met his "You've never said anything about it."

"I've never mentioned it because you don't do it often; just once in awhile when you're deep in some dream. It's alright; it's not like you do it all night; just a few words here and there, and like I said, it isn't often. I think it usually happens when you're upset about something but even then it isn't often."

She shifted in her seat. "How much have I done it since I've been home?"

Jim contemplated the question for a moment. "Honestly; the only other time you've done it since being home was that first night…and then you were having nightmares. Last night was the first since then. Naomi's always on your mind a lot this time of year; I figured maybe she was checking in."

Johanna nodded in agreement; she supposed that was true in a way. "What was I saying? How did you know I was talking to her?"

"Because you said 'mama'."

She eyed him; there was something he wasn't saying. "What else?"

Jim suddenly wished that he hadn't told her that he had been privy to her dreams the night before; he should've kept it to himself as he always did, but for some reason he felt compelled to tell her.

"Jim; what was it?"

"You were asking her not to leave you…you said you weren't done yet…I guess there was more you wanted to discuss."

Her teeth sunk into her bottom lip; she did remember asking her mother not to leave…even though she hadn't been happy with some of the conversation; just like her earlier visit. "Anything else?" she asked.

"You said you wanted to talk to your father."

"What!" she exclaimed. That part of her dream must've escaped her memory because she couldn't quite recall it…or Jim was making that part up. "I don't remember that; you're lying."

He swallowed a bite of his pancake. "I'm not lying to you, Jo; I heard you saying that you wanted to talk to Frank; you said 'I want to talk to Dad; where's Dad?"

"Oh God, I'm even crazy in my sleep," she muttered.

"It's not crazy to want to talk to your father."

"You remember my father, right?" Johanna asked.

Jim chuckled. "Yes; I remember him; but that doesn't mean it's wrong for you to dream about talking to him. I guess you wanted Naomi to get him on the line."

"I don't know what the hell for," she replied. "I can just imagine how that would go."

"Well don't worry; I don't think you go through to him; I'm sure I would've heard something if Frank had joined your dream."

She frowned; was it a sign that her father would be her next visitor? Or was it a sign that he wouldn't be coming at all? She didn't know how she felt about either option. On one hand, she didn't want to see him materialize in front of her; fearful of what he'd say despite knowing the truth of his grudge against her…but on the other hand, there was that annoying little part of her that wanted to talk to him.

"Hopefully my dreams won't disturb either one of us tonight," she remarked; knowing Jim was waiting for her to say something.

"You didn't disturb me. I just know when you're not sleeping well…you move around more. When you sleep well, you're wrapped around me and don't move a lot or not at all until I nudge you so I can roll over."

She smiled a little and took a bite of pancake, hoping the line of conversation would drop and morph into something else.

"Is something bothering you, Jo?" Jim asked.

She suppressed a sigh; that wasn't the topic she wanted. "Nothing more than usual," she answered. "Why?"

"You just haven't really seemed like yourself at times the last few days."

Johanna conjured up a smile for him. "I'm fine, honey. I just have things on my mind. The trial will be starting soon and that's going to dredge up things and there will be a rehash…the media will be back full force, not that they've ever really left. It's not a pleasant thought. Katie and I wobble at times as we try to deal with it…and sometimes that's hard to get through."

"I know," he replied. "But everything will be fine."

"I hope so," she murmured. "There's also the holidays to think about."

"You don't need to worry about the holidays…you don't need to overdo it."

She looked at him. "It's our first holidays as a reunited family," Johanna remarked. "I want it to be nice and special. It's been a long time since we've gotten to enjoy it."

"I know; but your being here will make it special enough. You don't need to worry about silly details."

"What if the details aren't silly to me?" she asked in a clipped tone.

Jim sighed; she was in a strange mood and when she was like this, it was best just to go along with her. "Then I want you to do whatever makes you happy."

Johanna could feel the temptation to spoil for an argument but she squashed the urge. She was tired and sensitive and he probably didn't mean anything with his comments about the holidays. He just worried about her; that was all…right? She gave a subtle shake of her head to dislodge the thought. She was just on edge because she was being haunted. For a moment she was tempted to tell Jim about what had been happening but she was afraid to divulge it; despite their conversation a few days before, he might think she was crazy.

"I hope you have better dreams tonight," Jim remarked.

"I thought I didn't disturb you."

"You didn't; but it seems like dreaming of your mother left you feeling unsettled."

Johanna shook her head. "It's not that…it's just that you know how mothers are, they always say things you don't want to hear."

Worry flicked across his face. "Like what, sweetheart? Did that dream make you worry about something?"

"No," she said softly. "It was just some motherly advice in regard to my own skills as a parent."

He reached across the table and took her hand. "Hey; I know you and Katie have your troubles at times…and she hurts your feelings a little when she's distant but it's going to be fine. When the trial and this media hoopla are over, things will settle down between the two of you."

Johanna gave a nod of agreement; hoping like he did that her dreams would be ghost free that night. She was still wracking her brain, trying to recall why her father had been mentioned and why. Maybe she wouldn't take that nap after all…who knew who or what would show up in it; it was bad enough that she'd have to keep her fingers crossed that she wouldn't turn a corner in the house and find another visitor waiting for her. Maybe she needed to have another talk with Sarah…maybe the emotional turmoil of her mother's visit could get her off the hook for the rest.


	4. Chapter 4

_Authors Note: Thanks for your reviews! This one gave me a little bit of trouble but I hope you'll enjoy it anyway!_

Chapter 4- Conjuring Up Spirits

Johanna had done some thinking while she washed the dishes that morning after Jim had left and she had decided that she did indeed need to speak with her grandmother. After drying her hands, she headed for the office, figuring that would be the best place to try and get into contact with her as that seemed to be where she could sometimes feel her presence the most. She entered the room, her eyes searching to see if Sarah had shown up on her own, privy to her need to talk but she didn't see her or any other ghosts, thankfully. The grey rainy day outside had her flipping on the lights in the room, but still no spirits revealed themselves. The room felt warm instead of carrying the slight chill it always did when Sarah was lingering. She frowned; it figured her grandmother would pick now not to be around.

"Sarah," she called softly. "Are you here?"

Silence greeted her ears; the room remaining warm, the lights not displaying even a hint of a flicker. Johanna moved to her desk, looking to see if her paperweight had been moved. It had been…so Sarah had been there at some point. She sighed and put it back in its assigned spot. "Sarah; I need to talk to you."

Nothing. No sign, no shimmering being, no chill in the air, no feeling of a hand at her back.

"I'm not playing games," she said firmly. "I want to talk to you; face to face just like the other day!"

When her grandmother didn't reveal herself, anger flicked in her veins. "Sarah! I want to talk to you, now! Show yourself!"

The lights flickered; a chill flooding the room as Sarah materialized in the room. "My goodness you're bossy," the ghost remarked.

"You should've shown yourself when I first called for you; you claim you're always here."

"I am always with you, darling; in your heart. I'm around a good bit, especially when you need me; but I do have other loved ones to visit as well, you know. I was looking in on Bridget; I got here as soon as I could…I'm a bit slow in the mornings."

"Why's that?"

Sarah shrugged a silk clad shoulder. "I'm not a morning person; never have been."

"Sorry to disturb you," Johanna replied; a hint of sarcasm in her tone.

Her grandmother smiled. "A bit spunky this morning, are we? I suppose I shouldn't be surprised; you had a busy day yesterday with your mother's visit…and then she joined you in your dreams last night…she wouldn't hear of waiting a day or two…you know how she is."

"Yes, I know how she is," she remarked; "And I love her anyway."

"Of course you do…but maybe you should consider a nap later; you're a bit sour this morning, dear."

Johanna shook her head. "No naps; last time I took a nap, I woke up to a visitor…and unless that visitor is my husband saying he came home early, I'm not interested."

"You definitely need a nap," Sarah stated. "Now what is it that you want to talk about; apparently it's urgent with the amount of demanding you were doing."

"It's about this visitation thing," she said as she sat down in her chair and regarded the spirit standing before her desk.

"What about it?"

She arched a brow. "Shouldn't you know? You're the mind reader."

Her grandmother sighed. "I don't use that ability all the time; sometimes I like to be surprised. Now tell me what's got you so upset."

"This visitation thing…I want out of it; today."

Sarah shook her head. "I'm afraid it doesn't work that way."

"I don't care how it works; I don't want it! All that visit did yesterday was tear me a part…make me grieve for her some more…there wasn't much comforting, just a bunch of lecturing and I don't need lectures. I can't take it; it's too painful. I don't know what was worse, when my mother was saying all those things I didn't want to hear or when she left…I can't do it, Sarah."

"Yes you can. I know your mother's visit was hard for you but it was going to be difficult no matter how it went or what the topic was. You love her and miss her; you were always going to be sad to see her go. As for the lecturing, you did need that. I told you, these visits are supposed to help you; they're supposed to remind you of who you were and still are. Your mother was pointing those things out to you but you were getting upset because you knew what she was saying was true and you didn't want to face it…you wanted what you've been longing for; her lap to lay your head on and a comforting hand and voice soothing away your troubles."

"Is that so horrible?" she asked.

"No; but it's not what you need from her right now…and in the end, she did give in a bit."

Not nearly enough, Johanna thought to herself. "Why can't I remember all of the visit in my dream?" she asked. "Shouldn't I be able to remember all of it?"

"You remember the important things; that's all that matters."

"But why were we discussing my father? Why was Jim saying that I was talking in my sleep, saying that I wanted to talk to Dad? What was it about?"

"I can't tell you that."

"Why?" she asked in frustration.

"Because I wasn't there; that was between you and Naomi."

Johanna smacked her hand against the desk in frustration. "Don't do that, darling," her grandmother said. "You'll hurt yourself."

"At the moment I don't really care," she retorted. "I want this visit business stopped. I want out of it. My emotions are all over the map as it is; I don't need the added stress."

"You can handle it," Sarah assured. "What doesn't kill us makes us stronger…and you're very strong. You'll be fine…it's good for you."

"I don't want it!"

"I don't care if you want it or not," Sarah said firmly. "You will receive these visits; there's no getting out of it and no amount of bad attitude about it will change that."

"Is that right?"

"That's right; it's like most things in life and you just have to accept it. You'll do much better with it if you don't let yesterday's emotions cloud your thinking or your judgment. It's going to be fine."

"I think I should have the right to decline."

"Well you don't…and you'll just have to get over it. What are you afraid of Johanna? Are you afraid of whose coming next? Are you afraid that it's your father?"

"I'm not afraid," Johanna declared.

"I think you are…you're afraid it's Frank who will show up next."

"Well isn't it?" she asked. "Isn't that why he was mentioned in that dream? Wasn't that my hint?"

"There are no hints."

"Is he coming next?" Johanna asked, her tone even and carrying a hint of anger.

"I can't tell you that."

"Why not!"

"Because I can't."

"Fine, is he coming at all?"

"I can't tell you that either."

Johanna glared at her. "Should I bother asking why?"

"You can ask but the answer is the same; I can't tell you."

She scoffed. "For someone who claims to know so much, you sure as hell don't tell me anything I need to know!"

Sarah put her hands on her hips, her expression turning firm. "Don't you take that tone with me, young lady!"

Johanna smirked at her. "What are you going to do? Smack me? My mother gave me a swat yesterday; it only stings for a minute."

Sarah narrowed her eyes at her. "Don't get flippant; and if I ever do smack you, I'll make sure it stings longer. Now you just settle yourself down; you don't have control over this; you don't get to have your way. Your visitations will take place; and as I've already advised, you'd do best to go into it with an open mind and a little less attitude."

Johanna's gaze dipped to the surface of the desk. "There's nothing I can say or do to make this stop?"

"No, dear; it's out of your hands."

She breathed deeply; so that was how it was…she was going to be haunted whether she liked it or not, regardless of the emotional toll.

"Your emotions can take more than you give them credit for," Sarah remarked.

"I thought you didn't use that mind reading thing all the time."

"I don't…just when I feel like I need to know exactly what is on your mind."

Johanna raked her fingers through her hair, resigning herself to the fact that this wasn't going to go away. "Are you tormenting my husband?"

Sarah smiled. "You know I am."

"Why?"

"Because I like Jim; he's fun to toy with. I so enjoy the look on his face every time his phone plays that loud music."

Johanna couldn't help but laugh. "He's only going to be amused for so long."

"Oh I know; when he starts to get irritated, I'll stop. Like that thing with the remote, I stopped after awhile."

"So you like a good trick, do you?"

"Oh yes, I've always liked little pranks; my brothers and sisters and I used to pull pranks on each other all the time. I always enjoyed when my children did it as well. I like to have fun and your Jim is the perfect person to play harmless pranks on; he isn't easily annoyed or deterred by such things. You can inform him though that no amount of ghost busters can make me go away; I'll come and go as I please as always…they can't get rid of me."

Johanna was quiet for a moment, her husband remaining on her mind. "What if Jim comes home during one of these visits?" she asked.

"He won't," Sarah answered. "We make sure we have the time we need."

"What if I tell him about these visits? Would it stop them from coming?" she inquired; wondering if maybe she had found a loop hole.

Her grandmother smiled and shook her head. "That's a clever idea but I'm afraid it won't work."

"Figures," Johanna remarked. "He'd just think I was crazy."

"Oh I don't think that at all. I think he'd believe you."

"I'm not sure about that."

"You're free to tell him," Sarah stated. "There's no rule against it."

"It would be nice if you'd tell me who to expect next so I could prepare for it."

"It's someone you know," she replied with a mischievous gleam in her eyes.

Johanna smirked at her. "No one likes a smart ass ghost, Sarah."

"Is that any way to talk to your grandmother?"

"When she's being an exasperating smart ass, yes it is."

Sarah nodded. "Just checking…and out of curiosity; what's the usual punishment for a smart ass granddaughter?"

Johanna smiled and shrugged. "You have to love her anyway."

The spirit giggled. "That's not a problem…and it doesn't seem like much of a punishment either."

Silence fell but her grandmother remained in the room, watching her intently. Finally, after several minutes had passed, Johanna spoke. "How long is this going to last?"

"Not as long as you fear."

"Can't you tell me how many are coming?"

Sarah shook her head. "No; I'm afraid not. Tell me, dear; what is it that you're afraid of in regard to your father possibly being one of your visitors?" she asked gently; her tone free of judgment. "You know he's sorry."

"Yeah…but old habits are hard to break," Johanna murmured. "Being sorry doesn't change who he was."

"Do you really think he'd come to hurt you?"

"That's the thing about him; he never thought you should be hurt by anything he said. You were just supposed to take it as the gospel of Frank McKenzie…if you didn't like it or it hurt you, you were just being weak or overly dramatic. You know how it was; you saw a good deal of it."

The spirit nodded. "Yes; I saw a good bit…but you hold the truth now and that would make all the difference."

"You'll have to forgive me if I'm not so sure about that."

"I understand," Sarah remarked. "It's my fault that he turned out the way he did…if I hadn't gotten sick, I would've finished raising my children instead of allowing them to fall into Amelia McKenzie's clutches. Frank turned out to be hardnosed and carrying a chip on his shoulder the size of a boulder. Colin grew up to be an unfaithful husband and a money grubber. Margaret and Bridget somehow managed to find their way…but I hate that they all grew up under her care."

"Don't you think maybe Grandpa deserves some of the blame?" Johanna asked softly. "Don't get me wrong, he was a good man and I love him; but from what I understand, when you were gone, he tuned out a bit in regard to his children. He left them in Amelia's clutches. He moved her in and let her take control…let her teach them her bitter ways. He could've stepped in and laid down the law. He could've hired a nanny; he had the money. It's not all your fault Sarah. You didn't choose to get pneumonia and leave your children. Everyone knows that you wouldn't have left your babies on purpose."

Sadness flicked across Sarah's features. "That's all true…but a foolish mistake on a rainy day will always be my biggest regret."

"I understand that feeling," she whispered.

Sarah gave her a small smile. "Let's talk about something lighter, shall we? You chose. The last time we talked you said you should be asking me questions; do you have any?"

Johanna's gaze met hers. "You can stay for awhile?"

She gave a nod. "Yes; today I can stay awhile."

"Why?"

Her grandmother smiled. "Remember, ours is not to question why."

"Was that your favorite saying back in the day?"

"Yes…my mother always said it."

Johanna studied her for a moment. "Are you staying like this because I got upset yesterday during my mother's visit?"

"I'm staying for awhile because I can…and to help you feel more comfortable with this experience. I also thought it might be nice."

She smiled and nodded. "Yeah; it would be nice…do you want me to get you a chair?"

"No need," Sarah remarked as she moved toward the piano and pulled the bench across the floor to where she had been standing in front of Johanna's desk. "Now, what would you like to talk about?"

Johanna thought for a moment, seeing the opportunity to get to know her grandmother better. "Is there anything you secretly would've liked to have been besides a wife and mother?"

"Before marriage or after marriage?"

"Both, I guess."

Sarah grinned; mischief sparkling in her eyes as she scanned the room and then leaned closer to the desk. "I always had a secret desire to be a taxi dancer," she whispered.

"A taxi dancer!" she exclaimed with a laugh, her grandmother giggling with her. "You wanted to be a dime a dance girl?"

"Yes; I'd think about it sometimes while I was doing the housework. You know, Patrick offered to hire me a maid but I just didn't see any sense in that when I was more than capable and Mother never had a maid either; but anyway, sometimes when the work got tedious, I'd think about how glamorous it sounded."

"Dancing with strange men in a dark ballroom for ten cents a dance was glamorous?"

"Back in that day it held a certain allure…especially to a woman who loved to dance. You like to dance."

"Yes I do," Johanna replied. "Did you know any taxi dancers?"

"Just one; my best friend's sister became one…oh her family was scandalized but she loved it and made it sound exciting. I don't know if I would've liked it…but it would've been fun for a night, I think."

"What would your mother have thought of you being a taxi dancer?"

"She would've dropped dead," Sarah replied without hesitation.

Johanna laughed. "How did you feel about flappers?"

"Well; I thought they were a plucky bunch…and if I hadn't been a married lady at that time, I probably would've been one myself in some ways."

"Only in some ways?"

"Yes; I would've never chopped off my hair like they did, nor would I have smoked or allowed a man to make too many forward advances before marriage. I do admit that I liked a nice glass of wine on occasion…and once in awhile, Patrick would give me a little sip of his brandy when he was having a night cap. I did like some of the changes to fashion…as I'm sure you can see from my dress. I loved the shorter hemlines and the cute little hats…and that it became fashionable to ditch the corset. Good lord did I hate corsets! Do you know what corsets are like, darling?"

"No; I've never been near one, thankfully."

"They're like being laced into a steel prison; it's very restrictive of your breathing as well. Thank goodness you never had to experience it."

Johanna smiled. "I'm extremely grateful that the corset died out before I came along. I remember that Grandpa was in the First World War but he never talked about it that I recall…"

"Patrick didn't like to remember the war; he saw terrible things. He just wanted to forget."

She nodded. "That's understandable. What was it like for you during that time when he was in France?"

"It was terrifying," Sarah replied. "When Patrick got sent overseas, Colin was 3 and Margaret was a month shy of her first birthday. I had two babies to raise without their father's input; I had to keep track of the goings on at the business to make sure the man he left in charge wasn't cheating us. I worried myself sick some nights; especially when the news was bad. I was so afraid I'd get a telegram telling me the worst. I missed him so badly. Letters were sparse…sometimes I wasn't even sure were he was in France."

"I imagine it was a great relief when he came home."

"Yes it was…we were so happy to be reunited. Poor little Margaret didn't even remember her daddy by the time he came home. Patrick fretted about that but she warmed back up to him after a few days. Your father was born eleven months after the war ended."

"So it can be said that you made up for lost time," Johanna said wryly.

Sarah giggled. "Yes, I guess so."

Johanna was quiet for a moment as a thought came to mind. "Grandpa left me a bond you had and some stocks that were yours."

"I know."

"I cashed the bond in and used some of it for a vacation I took that summer with Jim. I remember telling Dad that I thought you'd approve of it…did you?"

"Yes, darling; I wholeheartedly approved of you using that money for a bit of fun and so did your grandfather. It was well deserved…and you even bought your mother a gift on my behalf, that lovely dining table you insisted she get. I appreciated that; Naomi certainly did deserve it; and you deserved that money. You had a good time on that vacation…you fell a little further in love with the man you were destined to marry."

Johanna smiled wistfully. "Sometimes I wish I could go back to that vacation and stay there for awhile…it's still one of the best moments of my life."

"I'm glad that you have those fond memories; I'm glad I got to be apart of it in a small way. I know that year was hard for you, especially that summer…but you found that there can be joy amongst the bad moments."

She nodded; a small smile still on her lips. "There was a lot of joy during that trip."

"There's still joy to be found," Sarah remarked. "Things sometimes look bleak to you, but I promise, there's going to be other joyful moments to come. It's going to look better one day."

"I hope so," she murmured; and then she decided on a subject change. "What was my father like as a little boy? Was he happy? Was he different from how he was as an adult?"

Sarah folded her hands on her lap. "Frank was a happy child while I was with him. He was always helpful to me; he always liked to help me in the garden and he liked to help Patrick build things. I think that's why Frank went into the construction and real estate business; he loved to build and create. If you gave him some building blocks, he'd be content for hours. He got along well with Colin despite the age difference and Margaret too…but Bridget…well he wasn't happy to have a baby sister. He didn't like losing his position as baby of the family and he was known to torment her whenever he could, despite my assurances that I loved him as much as always," she said before sighing deeply. "I was sad to see him change under Amelia's care…of course, if Patrick had been more involved in those early days, I believe Frank would've clung to him and maybe did better."

Johanna shifted in her seat a bit. "Did you ever visit him…like you're visiting me?"

"Once," Sarah answered. "He and Naomi had a huge argument one night and she took you kids and left…"

"I don't remember that," Johanna interrupted.

"That's because the night of this argument, you and your brother and sister were staying at your grandfather's because Bridget and her children were there and he said you all could have a sleepover as long as you behaved yourselves. You were about 8 at the time; it was summertime; and when your father left for work early the next morning, she packed things for all of you, left a note and then went and picked up you kids and took off with Sophia to visit a relative in Ohio."

"Oh, I remember that trip…but I don't think I ever heard her mention the argument."

"She didn't; at least not in front of you and your siblings…but she was very fed up with things and she did a lot of thinking during that week the four of you were away. Your father wasn't happy to come home and find all of you gone…he was furious. He drank a lot that evening as he set in the house and stewed. I went to him…but he wouldn't listen to a word I said. He brushed me off as a drunken hallucination as he railed at me. I begged him to stop taking Naomi for granted, to realize that she helped make him what he was. I pleaded with him to be a better father, to love you the way you deserved to be loved and to let go of the resemblance he saw between us. I asked him to have more patience with Colleen. I asked him to stop trying to make Frankie into a carbon copy of himself. I only made him angrier."

"He wouldn't listen to you at all?"

Sarah shook her head. "All he did was rage…and demand I go away and stay away. He said that he hated me; that he didn't need a mother and he sure as hell didn't need the ghost of one. Those are just some of the highlights of what he said…it was all very hurtful," she said with a small sniffle.

"I'm sorry," Johanna replied. "I know how cruel he could be."

Her grandmother sighed. "It broke my heart."

"I know the feeling."

"I know you do. He was so sure that I was just a hallucination…and yet after you all went home, he came to the cemetery…he brought flowers and said he was sorry."

"I didn't know Dad went there."

"He didn't come often…I don't think he wanted anyone to know."

"But why?"

Sarah gave a small smile. "If they knew he came around at Christmas to leave a flower, people might have thought that he still held a measure of affection for me and he didn't want that. He didn't want to admit it to himself."

Johanna exhaled a heavy breath. "He was a complicated man."

The spirit gave a nod. "It's a complicated family."

A soft laugh crossed Johanna's lips. "I guess we wrote the book on dysfunctional."

Her grandmother grinned. "If not the whole book, at least the majority of the chapters."

She smiled and then grew quiet; still convinced that her next visitor would be Frank McKenzie. The thought of it made her stomach hurt. She may hold the truth now but it didn't mean anything had changed. Her father was sure to still be himself…after all, he claimed in his letters to have loved her from the day she was born but he had still treated her badly at times. Why would knowing the truth change that? He'd probably still think she didn't have the sense God gave a goose…and although there were times when she thought maybe he was right, she didn't want to hear him say the words. She didn't want to face any disappointment he had in her. She tried to keep him shoved into a corner of her mind but he leaked out often enough…and as terrible as it was to say or think, she wasn't sure she wanted to see him.

"What's made you so quiet, darling?" her grandmother asked.

"Can't you tell me anything that can help me deal with whoever is coming next?" Johanna asked; hating the pleading sound in her tone.

Sarah sighed. "Darling, I don't know what you want me to do. This isn't like a test where you can study and prepare for it. You just have to take what comes and make the most of it. Do you think you made the most of your visit with your mother?"

Johanna regarded her with a raised brow. "I take it from your tone that you don't think I did."

"It's not really that; it's the fact that she was trying to tell you how to handle Katie and you were somewhat dismissing her advice…as your father dismissed mine a long time ago."

"I didn't dismiss it; I said I wasn't ready to use it. There's a difference. I'm not ready to take that step."

"It's not like you haven't already had squabbles where you ended up not speaking for a few days," Sarah replied.

"Yes, but Mom's advice sounds long term and you have to understand that long term distance from my child is a distressing idea for me right now."

"Well what's more important to you, your long term bond with her, or having a little less stress? You're already distressed about the state of things between you so what's the difference, Johanna?"

The difference was that she still had a leg to stand on, she thought to herself. Purposely alienating Katie by cutting things off for more than a few days had the possibility of being exactly what her daughter wanted. Maybe it was selfish of her, but she wanted to keep her foot inside the door. Maybe there was a middle ground; she wouldn't call and text often…maybe instead of every day, she could dial it back to every other day. She wouldn't invite her over for dinner. She'd try to be in the background while still hanging on to her spot in her life. Couldn't that work just the same?

"If she wants to push you away badly enough, she'll find a way to do it regardless of what tactics you use," Sarah remarked.

"I'm already aware of that."

"Then do some pushing of your own; just not in the manner you have been. Instead of pushing to stay close, push your boundary back as she's pushing hers back."

"And create a chasm of distance that I worked very hard to close," Johanna retorted. "Do any of you hear yourselves with this plan? Why is it always me having to do all the pushing, all the bending, all the begging. When is someone else going to take a turn?"

Sarah eyed her. "That's the whole point of you pulling back, dear. If you pull back before she can keep throwing locks on the door, you have the advantage and she has to be the one to take a turn at working to make it better."

"You don't know Katie very well."

"Oh but I do," her grandmother retorted. "She's as bullheaded as you are…as all McKenzies are really. I've never seen such a stubborn lot of people."

"She's a Beckett."

"She's part McKenzie…as you, yourself, have reminded her at times. The McKenzies…they dig their heels in, they don't like to budge when they're taking a stand. They're so damn stubborn."

"Well, I guess we can't all be perfect, _Mrs. McKenzie_ ," Johanna retorted.

Sarah smirked at her. "I'm aware of what my name is, sassy pants. Keep in mind that I'm a McKenzie by marriage."

"Oh and I suppose the Rileys were the epitome of grace, level headedness and casual demeanors…you were never stubborn, never dug your heels in…never did what you wanted regardless of what other people said, right?"

Her grandmother pursed her lips. "Did I say that?"

"I believe it was being implied."

"I assure you it wasn't."

"I think it's unfair to throw stones at me, Sarah; when I don't know what your personality was like when you were roaming this city. But I do recall Grandpa saying that you just did what you wanted whether anyone liked it or not…I have a feeling he didn't keep you on a short leash as other husbands of that time would've done. After all, I read in your diary that he never kept you from going to suffrage rallies and joining the crusade to earn women the right to vote. He managed your stocks for you but the money from them was yours to do with what you pleased. He made you learn to drive…you were the 'S' in PS Shipping' and from my understanding of what I've read, you were considered a silent partner, although in your diaries you detail that he often asked your opinion about certain business decisions. He may have left a man in charge while he was in the service but I have a feeling that most final decisions were left up to you to approve; now isn't that correct? "

Sarah smiled. "My goodness, kitten; you're bringing out your lawyer claws. Yes, it's true that your grandfather was a rather unconventional husband of the time, allowing me to be involved in certain business decisions…and yes, when he was in the war; I did have to give final approval on some matters, and I always consulted my father about those decisions before giving an answer. He didn't keep me on a leash of any sort…he knew none would hold me."

Johanna's brow rose. "Oh; that must mean you had a stubborn streak that couldn't be tamed," she replied, clucking her tongue for added affect. "Looks like Grandma has no business lecturing about something she herself is guilty of."

Sarah narrowed her eyes at her and flicked a slender finger at the bookcase, making a row of paperbacks fall to the floor.

"Temperamental too, huh?" Johanna commented. "Definitely no room to judge in that case…and you better clean that mess up before you go."

"And what if I don't?" Sarah asked.

"Then I won't be so welcoming about your presence in my home."

The spirit held her ground for a moment and then waved her hand at the books on the floor and they floated back to their places on the shelf.

"That's more like it," Johanna said, despite the goosebumps on her arms that had appeared when her books had risen from the floor.

"You still don't have the control here, darling. You're spoiling for a fight…you want to fight with someone so badly so you can release some of that tension."

"There are other methods of stress relief; my husband is always happy to help me with that," she quipped.

Sarah gasped. "Really, dear; you shouldn't be so blasé about personal matters like that."

"I wasn't giving details, just stating a fact…you're the one with four kids, so apparently you know how it works."

"I'm surprised you didn't have a houseful with as amorous a couple as you and Jim are."

Johanna shrugged. "I guess we were only meant to have one…it certainly wasn't for lack of effort although I wouldn't say we were purposely trying for another baby…but we weren't preventing it for the majority of our marriage either."

"Do you ever wish you'd had more?"

"I never used to…but sometimes I do now…and no, I don't want to discuss it."

"Fine," Sarah remarked. "We won't discuss it; there's really no need to, it doesn't take a genius to figure out why you sometimes wish you had another child at this point in time."

Her eyes narrowed slightly. "Moving along…"

"Back to your need to fight," her grandmother said. "You know you'd love to have a good fight with someone. You're a woman who can be calm and composed…but you're also a woman who needs to rage once in awhile. Get angry, darling; yell at someone, throw something, get it out. You'll feel much better if you find that pressure valve and release it."

"Fine, send my father in; we'll fall into old habits in about thirty seconds and have ourselves a nice blow out."

The spirit shook her head. "No; you need to fight with someone on your plane. Quit taking things so easily. Use your claws on the people who need it, not us."

"But you're so accessible," Johanna remarked; a quirk of her lips revealing the sarcastic humor of her statement.

Sarah McKenzie pointed a finger at her. "Don't make me come around this desk, young lady. You're so much like your father. Your mother was right; part of the problem between you and Frank was the fact that you're too much alike."

"Are you insulting me because I lit a fire under you ass to get here this morning?" Johanna asked.

"No; I believe I'm trying to light a fire under yours."

"My ass has been burned by enough fires," she replied. "I'd like to keep it out of the flames for awhile, if you don't mind."

Sarah sighed. "Kids."

"Grandmothers," Johanna mimicked.

Sarah pointed a finger at her. "You're asking for it kitten."

"Sorry," she muttered; although she wasn't feel very apologetic.

"You just need to relax, Johanna; you need to relax about life in general and you need to relax in regard to these visitations. You do just fine talking to me."

"You're different."

"Why?"

"Because…I don't have a history with you. Don't get me wrong, you're my grandmother and I love you; but we didn't get to have what I had with Grandma Sophia or even with Grandpa. It makes it easier…"

"You would think it would make it harder," Sarah remarked. "You'd consider me a stranger…you wouldn't be so open."

"I just feel comfortable with you…I don't know why; I just am. I loved seeing my mother…but it was also painful. Believe me, I won't want you to leave when you have to go; it makes my heart ache, but as terrible as it sounds, it won't ache as much as it did after my mother left."

"I understand that," her grandmother said softly. "It's not a terrible sentiment; we didn't get to know each other the way we should've; the way I wish it could've been. But you can be as comfortable with everyone else as you are with me; you just have to let yourself."

"I'll try to do better but I can't make any promises," Johanna replied. "But like I said; it would be easier if I knew who was coming so I could prepare."

"Darling, look at me and read my lips. I. Can't. Tell. You."

"I know, you've told me…but that doesn't mean I have to like it."

Sarah smiled. "No; you don't have to like it. If you're worried that all of these visits are going to be about your issues with Katie; let me put your mind at ease; they're not. I'm sorry that yesterday's visit upset you so much…but it's something you'll have to work through because other visitors are coming; nothing you say or do will prevent it."

Johanna sighed. "Is a new visitor coming today…or can't you tell me that?

"I'm your visitor for the day; rest easy…and really, consider taking that nap. You need it, you're cranky."

"Does that mean you're leaving now?"

"No, I still have some time. Pick a new topic and we'll go from there."

Johanna took a deep breath and exhaled slowly; forcing the tension back out of her body as she turned her thoughts to less stressful topics. She questioned Sarah about her family, about what the city had been like in her day. She asked about things she had read in her diaries, the suffrage rallies, singing with the church choir, her scraps with her mother-in-law. It was nice to talk to her like that; she couldn't help but think between questions and answers. She could almost forget that she was speaking to a ghost. When Sarah finished a story about a disastrous bridge party she had held once, she gave a small smile and rose from the piano bench.

A small ache of loss began to throb in Johanna's heart. "You have to go now?" she asked.

"Yes," Sarah replied; "But it's alright. I'll be around, you know that."

She blinked back the sting of tears. "I know…but this was nice…I like talking to you like this."

"We'll talk again," Sarah promised warmly. "And remember what I told you about your upcoming visits; just relax, there's nothing to fear. It's all going to be alright."

"I'll try to do better," Johanna said sincerely, despite still being a bit uneasy about whom the next visitor could be.

Her grandmother smiled. "I have to be going now, dear. Always remember that your grandmother loves you and would never do something to hurt you."

She returned her smile. "I know; I love you too."

"Go take that nap; you're safe from visits for the rest of the day," Sarah remarked before she faded away.

Johanna remained at her desk for several minutes after she had been left alone, the piano bench remaining in front of her desk the only sign that anyone had been there at all. She rose from her chair and rounded the desk, taking hold of the piano bench and putting it back in its proper spot. With the task completed, she glanced at her watch; it was too early to start dinner and her household work was done well enough for her satisfaction…and since Sarah had declared her safe, she headed for the door, intending to retreat upstairs to take that nap.

* * *

The next morning, Johanna took clothes out of the washer and put them in the dryer. When she finished, she tossed the next load in the washer and picked up the clothes basket full of laundry that she had unloaded when she came downstairs. She was feeling a little more relaxed; figuring that maybe she'd have one more day free from visitors; after all it had been two days after Sarah's first visit that her mother had appeared…and since Sarah had visited again yesterday, it stood to reason that there'd be a little reprieve. Adjusting her hold on the basket, she climbed the basement steps and stepped into the kitchen. Cool air chilled her and her heart missed a beat. "Oh no," she muttered. "Not today too."

Her gaze scanned the kitchen but she saw no ghostly specter. Her feet carried her to the office on their own accord, figuring that must be ghost central and that her next visitor would be there. As she entered the room, she again saw no one. Johanna tightened her hold on the clothes basket, her knuckles turning white as the air of the house remained cold despite the furnace clicking on and warm air coming through the vents. A tremor of fear slid down her spine as she stepped out of the room and stood in the hallway, listening for the sound of whoever might be sharing the house with her.

Hesitantly, she began to move toward the living room. She heard the soft sound of movement and her fear intensified. What if she was wrong and it wasn't a visitor…what if it was something more nefarious? Her phone was on the kitchen table and the gun was laying in the junk drawer in the kitchen as well. Johanna sucked in a breath and steadied her nerves…she was a fast runner; hopefully if need be, she could make it to one of the doors. Standing where she was gave her a faster track to the kitchen; all she had to do was call out and if she didn't like what she heard in response, make a quick dash through the rarely used dining room and through the door that would put her in the back of the kitchen; from there it was only a quick dash to the backdoor. Of course it would be helpful if she had time to grab her phone on the way…or even the gun…even better if her car keys weren't upstairs on the dresser. She swore at herself; from now on, her phone had to be shoved into pocket and if she didn't have a pocket, shoved into her bra if she had to leave the room…and the gun and her keys needed to be within reach at all times too. She had allowed herself to get comfortable with the safety of home.

Gathering her courage, she swallowed hard. "Who's there?" she called out.

A voice said her name, but the sound was quiet and she couldn't tell who the voice belonged to although it seemed familiar. She felt the soothing brush of a hand at her back but when she turned, she saw no one and she figured it was Sarah's way of telling her that it was alright, she was safe. Johanna slowly began to move in the direction of the living room once more. When she stepped into the living room and caught a glimpse of the visitor waiting for her, the clothes basket slipped from her hands and thudded against the floor.

"Oh my God," she murmured as she stared at the being. It was the last person she had expected to see…the last person she'd expect to volunteer to pay her a visit.

…to be continued


	5. Chapter 5

_Author's Note: Thanks for your reviews._

Chapter 5- Unexpected Guest

"Close your mouth before you draw flies," the spirit stated as Johanna continued to stare, the clothes basket lying on its side on the floor by her feet.

"What are you doing here?" Johanna asked when she finally managed to find her voice.

"Don't play stupid, you know why I'm here. Were you expecting someone else?"

"Kind of," she answered; unsure of if she should be relieved about being wrong about who her visitor would be or if she should remain slightly on edge.

"Who did you expect?"

"My father."

"Sorry to disappoint you," the spirit quipped, but the tone the comment carried contained a hint of sarcasm, making Johanna realize that there was no true apologetic feeling behind it.

"I'm not disappointed…just surprised."

Her visitor smirked. "I figured you would be. Are you going to stand there in the doorway and gawk all day or are you going to come in and stop acting like a ninny?"

Johanna's eyes narrowed, a smirk of her own curling the corner of her lips upward as she regarded the woman standing in her living room. Her feet carried her forward as the woman swiped her fingers across the shelf of the bookcase.

"You ought to think about making dusting one of your hobbies," Elizabeth Beckett stated.

"I just dusted those shelves two days ago," Johanna retorted.

Elizabeth scoffed. "Next time get the cloth closer to the shelf and maybe it'll look like you accomplished something."

"It's nice to see that the afterlife hasn't robbed you of the ability to be a bitch, Lizzie."

Another signature smirk spread across Elizabeth's face. "You wouldn't want it any other way."

"Are you sure about that?"

"Yes, I am. Someone has to piss you off."

"Plenty of people piss me off."

Her mother-in-law scoffed. "And yet you let them get away with it. You never let me get away with anything."

"That's what you think," Johanna remarked as she watched Elizabeth settle down in the recliner.

"Don't act like you held back with me. All it took sometimes was a look to set your hoity toity behind on fire. You used to be a fighter, now you're just a wimp."

"I am not!"

"Yes, you are. You used to have fire and grit. You were sharp tongued and defiant…and now you're…this," Elizabeth remarked in disgust, waving a hand in Johanna's direction. "I'm so disappointed."

Her temper flared. "You say that like you were ever proud of me to begin with. Disappointment isn't a new feeling for you. You were 'disappointed' with Jim's friendship with me. You were even more 'disappointed' when he started dating me…and you damn near had a stroke when he announced he was marrying me, so I'd say you should be used to the feeling of disappointment by now."

Elizabeth's lips pursed as she regarded her daughter-in-law for a long moment. "There were times when I was proud."

"Right," she laughed. "What day was that?"

"The day you gave me a granddaughter; how you let me have an active role in her life, equal time in relation to your own parents. You never tried to influence her opinion or affection of me no matter what was between us. You never gave my son an ultimatum to choose between us. I was proud that day you brought six month old Katie and came to that garden club family event; you were the only one who came…and while you were there, you told off Virginia Conway for the way she was treating me; I was also proud that after you told her that her shoes were vomit inducing that Katie took her cue and spit up on them."

Johanna laughed as that memory rolled through her mind. "That was a thing of beauty. I'd never been so happy to see her spit up."

Elizabeth nodded, a smile spreading across her face. "It was perfect. There were other moments when I was proud too…although I'm sure you'd find it hard to believe."

"That's probably the truth," she replied as she settled down on the sofa. "I'm finding it a little hard to believe that you're sitting in my living room. I didn't really expect you to be on the guest list."

"Sometimes I like to surprise you."

She smirked a little. "Yeah; you do have a history of surprises…not all of them pleasant."

"Do you want me to ease your mind with one of those warnings like in those sci-fi movies the boys always liked to watch? Do you want me to tell you I've come in peace?"

"Only if you've really come in peace."

"Of course I've come in peace! Do you think I'd be here otherwise?"

"It's hard to tell with you, Liz. Why are you here?"

"I have my reasons," Elizabeth remarked.

Johanna shifted in her seat. "Well, let's get to it. What's reason number one?"

"You always did like to be the one who called the shots," her mother-in-law retorted.

"You'll have to forgive me; I'm new at this 'being visited by ghosts' thing. If you want to call the shots, by all means, do so."

"That's more like it," Elizabeth said as she brushed a hand against the skirt of her dress. "I do have one bone to pick with you before we move on to other things."

"Oh God," she muttered. "What?"

"You need to quit saying that I'm sitting up there laughing at you," Elizabeth remarked as she jabbed a finger in her direction. "Because I'm not."

"Why not?" Johanna asked. "I proved you right. You always told Jim that I was trouble; that I'd cause him nothing but grief. You were right. I've caused him a lot of trouble, grief and heartache. You had me pegged, Elizabeth; I'm not good enough for him. He deserved better than me," she stated, tears pooling in her eyes as her voice cracked.

Elizabeth sighed as she folded her hands primly. "It's hard for any woman to see another woman as being completely good enough for her son. Even a queen wouldn't be completely good enough…she'd have some flaw, some fault. Just like in Jimmy's mind, no man will ever be completely good enough for Katie. Maybe you weren't always my cup of tea, Johanna; but you're good enough. My son picked the right woman to spend his life with…you're the woman he loves."

A soft scoff crossed her lips. "I'm also the woman who let him think I was dead for thirteen years and turned him into an alcoholic. Yeah; I'm real worthy of that love and loyalty. So don't sugar coat anything for me, Liz; just give it to me straight like you always did. I promised you I'd take care of him and I broke that promise…you have every right to rake me over the coals, because I deserve it this time. I deserve everything you ever said about me…and for what it's worth, I'm sorry. Hurting him," she said, a sob breaking free; "That was the worst feeling of my life and I'm always going to hate myself for it. Some days I don't even know why he took me back; I wouldn't have blamed him if he told me to go to hell. I'm a mess and he's stuck with it. He doesn't deserve that…he didn't deserve any of this."

"And you think you do?" Elizabeth asked. "Did you ask for any of this to happen, Johanna?"

"No; of course not; but it did…because I had to open the wrong letter and take that case."

"Taking the case was your job; there was no reason to think it would be any different than the hundreds of other cases you dealt with. Do you really think I'd believe that you'd leave him just to do it?"

She said nothing; her head lowered as she allowed the tears to fall.

"Come on, Johanna; I've known you a long time and if there's one thing I know for sure, it's that you'd never willingly leave my son on your own accord. You didn't break your promise to me; you took care of Jimmy. You left him to keep him safe; because you were afraid that the trouble that had come for you would swallow up him and Katie too; they even warned you that it was a possibility if you didn't play your cards right. You left to protect my son and my granddaughter and I don't hold that against you. Jimmy took you back because he knows you'd never leave unless you had to. He took you back because he loves you; and maybe you do have a few issues right now and sometimes he gets frustrated…but his frustration comes from the fact that he loves you and wants to fix every little problem you have; he always has wanted to be the person who fixed every single little thing that dared to make you sigh in distress. It's not you that frustrates him at times; it's the fact that he hasn't found a solution to whatever ails you. He wants to be your knight in shining armor."

"He's always been my knight in shining armor."

"And he always will be," Elizabeth remarked. "He's never going to regret the choice he made to let you come home, so you need to stop worrying that he's going to change his mind. He's never changed his mind about you…why would he start now? You two squabble once in awhile; but you always have. You're a passionate couple, nothing has changed…and you know, a little fight once in awhile is good for a marriage. It gets things out. Don't be afraid of it. For God's sake, Johanna; be yourself."

She scoffed. "Why don't you be yourself? Where's my mother-in-law?"

"What the hell are you talking about? I'm right here in front of you, you ninny."

"You're not being you…you're being…nice."

"I've been nice to you before!" Elizabeth exclaimed.

"Yeah, but this is the weird kind of nice."

"How is it weird!?" she thundered.

"Because you should hate me like you always do!" Johanna yelled. "Why aren't you calling me names and telling me how right you were about me? Where's _my_ Elizabeth?"

"She's right here," the spirit remarked. "You want a dose of how it was, fine; I'll give it to you. You're hardheaded, stubborn, sometimes arrogant, mouthy, overly sensitive, and sometimes dramatic. You're sharp tongued, sometimes impulsive and always ready for a fight. You're too smart for your own good, you're soft hearted for your own good and you have a tendency to let people walk on you when you feel like you deserve it. You're needy. You have a hard time finding balance in every aspect until you can get your feet planted firmly on the ground. Sometimes you try too hard, sometimes you don't try enough and once in awhile you're nosy. You're still a little prissy, you can be aggravating and you can go from zero to bitch in about three seconds flat."

"That's more like it," Johanna said as she swiped at her cheeks.

Elizabeth eyed her. "You're also intelligent in the right ways, compassionate, loving and fiercely protective of the things you love and hold dear. You're a good wife, a good mother; a good sister, aunt, friend, and whatever else anyone needed you to be. We had our issues…we didn't always get along…but Jimmy made you family…and I got used to you. I even learned to love you."

Johanna's head snapped up at the remark. "Oh God, I really am dying or losing my mind."

Her mother-in-law shook her head. "Neither; you're sane and you're not going anywhere. I do love you in my own way, Johanna; just like you love me in your own way…and don't bother trying to deny it. I heard you that day in the hospital…that day you promised to take care of Jimmy. You thought I was asleep when you left, but I was still somewhat lucid. You kissed my cheek and you said 'I love you, Liz'."

Her fingers toyed with the hem of her shirt. "Seems strange doesn't it? All the battles we had…all the things we said about each other."

"Strange to hear it said out loud…yes," Elizabeth replied. "But I'd like to think that maybe once in awhile you could feel it…like I could feel yours."

She nodded. "I felt it sometimes when I was pregnant with Katie and right after she was born…but I always told myself not to get use to it, that the peace wouldn't last for long."

A hint of a smile tugged at Elizabeth's lips. "We had some good fights."

Johanna laughed softly. "Yeah, we did."

"Maybe it wasn't always a bad thing…maybe we needed each other to let those things out on."

"Maybe," she agreed. "Maybe we were each other's pressure valve."

"Perhaps…and maybe there was just a part of us that liked it," Elizabeth remarked. "Maybe it was nice to know that a good sparing partner was only a phone call or dinner away."

Her head bobbed in agreement. "We're sick people if we got enjoyment from petty arguments."

Elizabeth shrugged. "Everyone needs a hobby."

"True," she said with a soft laugh.

Her mother-in-law caught her eye. "It wasn't all bad between us, was it?"

"No; I guess not. We had some good times…nice memories too; like when you rescued me from my new mommy breakdown."

Elizabeth smiled. "You were just overly tired. A relaxing bath and a long nap and you were fine."

"Don't forget the lecture you gave my husband."

"Oh yes," she laughed. "Jimmy was falling down on the job; I put him back on the straight and narrow for you."

"I appreciated it…I appreciated everything you did for me that day. You took care of Katie and finished my laundry and washed my dishes. In that moment of time, it felt like winning the lottery."

"You returned the favor," Elizabeth remarked. "When we lost Robert…you cleaned my house, cooked meals, handled phone calls…and didn't strangle me when I moved into your guest room every few weeks for those first few months."

Johanna sighed. "That time you stayed for a week I thought about strangling you a little."

She smiled. "I know…I think that's how I knew we were all healing…and that I was going to be alright. Believe me; too many weeks of you not wanting to strangle me could be just as disconcerting to me as my niceness could be to you."

"I guess it was a weird relationship but it worked for us."

"Yes, it did; once we accepted that neither one of us was going away."

Johanna breathed deeply. "I just wish everything hadn't gone so horribly wrong after you were gone."

"I know that…and you can't really believe that I'd ever want you dead, Johanna."

She glanced at her, a hint of a wry smile on her lips. "Well you did serve me pecan laced food after learning that I'm allergic to pecans."

Elizabeth waved a dismissive hand at her. "It's a mild allergy; you itched a little but you were fine."

"But still," she replied. "What if it had been more serious?"

"It wasn't."

"You're still not sorry?"

Elizabeth sighed. "Alright, if you insist; I'm sorry I served you a Thanksgiving dinner that was laced with pecans…just to see if you really had an allergy or if you were just a picky eater."

"Why would I lie about something like that?!" Johanna exclaimed.

She shrugged. "People lie about all sorts of things all the time."

"I wouldn't lie about a food allergy. I hadn't had a reaction since I was a kid, it could've been worse."

Elizabeth's palms turned upwards. "But it wasn't; you're fine. It isn't like I tried to poison you."

Johanna arched a brow at her.

"Alright, it isn't like I tried to poison you all the time. It was just that once and really, I just thought your allergy was a made up excuse not to eat pecans…and I didn't like my son coming into my kitchen telling me what kind of dressing I could serve just because he had invited you, without my permission, mind you; and so maybe my annoyance led me to buy the pecans."

"It was my understanding that you had given your permission or I wouldn't have come," Johanna remarked. "Jim told me he talked to both of you about it and you both agreed to it, although I admit I figured you agreed to it grudgingly. If I would've known you were going to resort to pecan laced food, I would've gone to my parents and put up with my sister's in-laws who for some unfathomable reason were invited that year."

"You hated them enough to choose dinner with me?" Elizabeth asked.

She nodded. "Yes; Lizzie; you were the lesser of two evils when put up beside my sister's mother-in-law. In all honesty I intended to stay home and make my own dinner but Jim didn't think much of that idea…and then after your little stunt, he felt so guilty for taking me to your house."

"Hmm, your sister's mother-in-law must be a real piece of work."

"Oh she is; and you know what's worse; my mother's gone; you're gone, and Millicent Weston is still kicking…I would've thought someone would've poisoned her by now. I guess God doesn't want to put up with her and the devil doesn't want her either; so she gets to stay here and be her nasty self from what I hear."

"Well it's nice to know that I was preferable over her," Elizabeth remarked.

"You're preferable over several people I know…even when keeping your pecan stunt in mind."

"I'm sorry; I shouldn't have fed you pecans."

A hint of a smile tugged at her lips; it was rare to hear her mother-in-apologize. "It's alright; I forgave you a long time ago for that. I also forgave you for that disastrous dinner that made me briefly put my engagement on hold."

Elizabeth glanced away. "That was a bad time for me and Jimmy. He threatened to disown me if things didn't work out."

"You really hurt me that night," Johanna murmured. "The way you were talking about my family…you didn't even know them. I could take it when it was just about me…but you had to bring my father into it…and he might've had his faults but he was still my father and I couldn't let you sit there and talk about him like that."

"I know," she said quietly. "He didn't care much for me and he wasn't exactly my cup of tea either but you're right, he was your father and you had a right to get defensive. Naomi and I had words on occasion when we first met but she was a good woman and I liked her…I was glad that for the most part we were able to have an amicable relationship."

Johanna rubbed her fingers against the arm of the sofa. "You almost got me to change my mind…you almost succeeded at convincing me that I wasn't good enough for Jim and that I didn't have a place in your family. I didn't want to come between him and his family…you almost got your wish, Elizabeth."

She sighed. "I'm glad I didn't…I wouldn't have had my granddaughter if you had changed your mind…and I would've lost my son. I wouldn't have been able to live with that."

"I wouldn't have been able to live with letting you win like that," Johanna admitted. "I couldn't let you take away the most beautiful thing I had in my life. I wanted to marry him and I couldn't let you stop me."

"You did the right thing."

"You didn't seem to think so at the time; you wore black to the wedding."

Her mother-in-law eyed her. "This visit really isn't supposed to be a listing of the things I did to you."

"I thought we were just making conversation…clearing up old grievances. Why else would you be here? Why are you visiting me anyway? I wouldn't expect you to volunteer."

"I came to talk."

"And yet you seem to be implying that I'm doing that wrong."

"I'm not here to talk about me; I'm here to talk about you and Jimmy."

"Jim and I are fine," she replied.

Elizabeth's brow rose. "Are you?"

Her stomach started to knot. "As far as I know we are…do you know something I don't? Is something bad coming? Is he going to change his mind? Is he leaving me? Is it because I'm not bouncing back fast enough? I'm trying; really I am. I'll try harder…I'll…"

"Stop!" Elizabeth exclaimed. "I didn't say anything like that."

"It feels implied!"

"Everything always does to you."

"I can't imagine why," Johanna remarked as she wrapped her arms around her stomach and slightly rocked herself.

"When you do that you remind of when Madelyn was a teenager and would get her monthly…and you're too old for monthlies."

Johanna glared at her. "Yes; I know; it's been nine years, but you managed to bring back the memory of sudden cramps and a headache. I can't thank you enough."

"Oh stop; you're fine. You panic so easily; you need to get a grip on that."

"You were implying that my marriage was in trouble…I'm never not going to panic about that. I don't want to lose Jim; I already had to live without him once and I don't want to do it again."

"He's not going anywhere…it's just that the two of you tend to tip toe around each other in some ways."

"We do not; you said yourself that we have squabbles. We're not tip-toeing."

"Yes, you are…and I know why you do."

She smirked. "Is that right, oh wise one?"

Elizabeth's lips curled into a hint of a smile. "Oh my, here comes the hell cat…it's much more preferable than the scaredy cat."

Johanna gave a bitter laugh. "You're going to let your bitch show now, nice. You always were good at lulling me into a false sense of security…I can only hope you haven't laced the food in my kitchen with pecans."

"Your food is perfectly safe and un-tampered with. You're afraid to push too much with Jimmy…you fear him leaving…but you fear something else too."

She shifted in her seat. "I don't know what you're talking about."

Elizabeth jabbed a finger in her direction. "Don't lie to me, girl! We both know what you're afraid of. You're afraid because he's had a past problem with alcohol."

"I'm not constantly afraid of that!"

"But you are somewhat afraid of it?"

She clamped her lips shut, refusing to answer.

"Well, come on, out with it…I already know the truth so why bother trying to hold it in?"

"Of course I get afraid," Johanna said sharply. "Of course I worry sometimes; I'm the person that drove him to drink so how the hell can you expect me not to worry once in awhile! And for that matter, why aren't you reading me the riot act for doing that to him? For making him fall into that habit? Shouldn't you be telling me what a horrible human being I am? If anyone would have the right to, it would be you, you are his mother after all and I know it wouldn't have been easy for you to sit up there and watch it happen to him. So go ahead and let me have it!"

"I can't do that."

"Why not?"

"It's not your fault that Jimmy turned to the bottle as a vice," Elizabeth remarked.

"How can you say that!" she exclaimed. "If I had been here, he would've had no reason to do that!"

Her mother-in-law eyed her. "You know that's not true, Johanna. Jimmy didn't just pick up that habit on a whim; there were signs of it before. _You_ saw it in him before…there was a time when Katie was little that he started drinking a lot. It worried you…it worried you so much that you confided in me that you were afraid that there might be a problem. It was a serious situation; it had to be for you to bring it to me. He already had the seeds of a problem back then…and you had nothing to do with it. It was work and stress and whatever other little things was on his mind back then but it wasn't you."

Johanna breathed deeply. "But even back then I felt like it was me…that maybe if I had done something better, he wouldn't have needed to start down that road."

"You're not the root of all evil, Johanna. Not every bad thing in the world is your fault or your doing. You have to stop taking responsibility for everything that goes wrong. Jimmy had a problem back then…and yes, he used losing you as his excuse to slip back into it a second time. It was worse that time…"

"Because I wasn't here to stop it like the last time," she interrupted.

Elizabeth's eyes narrowed. "He's a grown man, he makes his own choices. Yes, the first time around, you gave him an ultimatum and he made his choice to give himself a limit and to start finding other ways to blow off steam. He didn't want to lose you. You were his excuse to quit. When you weren't there to tell him to quit, he saw no reason to…he made the decision; because it took awhile for Katie to figure out what to do to make him stop. She had to threaten to walk away and never come back. She had to give the same ultimatum that you did. He didn't want to lose his daughter, he got help. Both times he had to make the decision of what was more important to him. _He_ made the choices; the choice to start and the choice to stop."

"The second time is always going to be my fault no matter who sugar coats it…and having you sugar coat things is far from comforting. It just makes me feel like it's my fault even more and that you're just some kind of odd Elizabeth clone in ghost form that was sent here to try to brainwash me into thinking the way people think I should."

"You need to stop watching so much television," her mother-in-law retorted. "You used to have more sense. I'm not sugar coating a damn thing, Johanna. I'm telling you the truth…just as Jimmy has tried to explain to you numerous times but you're so bent on carrying the blame, the guilt, the grief that you can't accept logical explanations and the fact that you've been forgiven for what you had to do. The way people act in relation to your choices isn't your burden to carry; that's on them. Jim chose the bottle; Katie chose the police academy. You wouldn't have wanted them to do either one of those things; but even if you hadn't had to leave, there still might've been something somewhere that drove him to drinking heavily again. Something may have still happened to drive Katie toward a career with the police. You didn't change them; they changed themselves. You have to stop carrying all of that on your shoulders. I know it eats you up inside to know what Jimmy went through while you were away; but he's talked to you about it, he's tried desperately to absolve you of the guilt you feel and he tries very hard to ignore the fact that he knows you worry about causing him to backslide…because he knows he isn't going to. He has no desire to ever go down that road again; he doesn't want to do that to himself or you and Katie. You have to stop worrying so much; you're going to drive yourself crazy."

Johanna's brow rose. "I'm sitting here talking to a ghost; I think I already crossed the line into crazy town."

"Oh you have not; don't make me slap you silly…and believe me, I can if I want to…and the urge gets strong every so often."

"Now you're being my mother-in-law again."

Elizabeth sighed and shook her head. "Johanna; I'm going to tell you why Jimmy always reached for a drink when something went wrong. He did that because that's what he grew up seeing men do…it's what Robert always did. I wouldn't say Robert had a major problem…not a noticeable one…but when something went wrong at home or at work, he had to have a drink…sometimes more than one. He had to have a drink when things were bad, he had to have a drink to celebrate good things, he had to have a drink on the holidays…he had to have a fridge in the garage so he could have beer while he worked on the car…he had to have a nightcap every night. I'm not saying that he was always drinking to excess on those occasions; he didn't…but there were times when he did…just like his father before him. My father drank a lot too; its part of what made him so mean and hateful. Jimmy grew up seeing Robert drink when things were bad; he saw his grandfathers exhibit that same behavior…he grew up thinking that when times got tough, you just poured a few drinks until it went away. They weren't bad men, neither is Jimmy; but that's how all of them chose to deal with their problems in those first moments of a crisis. There was always the mentality of 'I'll have a drink and I'll feel better'. Maybe it's something that trickles down through the lines; maybe it's the times they were all brought up in; but Johanna; Jimmy's instinct to drink didn't come from you; it came from the men he learned from."

"Robert wasn't an alcoholic."

"What makes you so sure? Because you never saw him falling down drunk? Well believe me, I have. He was usually a happy drunk when he'd go to extremes…but he could also get mean depending on what he drank. Those occasions didn't happen so much once he was older and he felt more comfortable about various things; but like I said, he still drank for any occasion that called for it. Just because he didn't always get drunk doesn't mean that he didn't have some sort of dependence upon alcohol."

That did make sense in some ways, Johanna thought to herself. "Why didn't you ever say any of that when I came to you that one time and told you what was going on?" she asked her mother-in-law.

Elizabeth twisted her hands. "Maybe because I was afraid of acknowledging it…afraid to accept the thought that maybe it was mine and Robert's fault. All of our boys loved their drinks; they drink when they're unhappy; they drink to have fun, they drink to celebrate. They're not bad people, and for the most part they all keep their habits in check…but sometimes things happen and Jimmy's chosen vice was a learned behavior. He knew it was wrong but he thought he had control of it; he didn't. Maybe back when you came to me I felt like I had control of all of Robert's habits because I took away all of his liquor after he had that heart attack. Oh I know he still snuck his beer and once in awhile he'd come home from a business meeting with scotch on his breath, but I felt like the danger had passed for him to have a serious problem. I wasn't ready to think too much about that danger coming to my son. I just tried to give you the best advice I could…and I prayed that you'd be able to get through to him and pull him out of it, or at least give him what he needed to pull himself out of it."

"I just worry that I'll do something to make him go back to it…I don't want to destroy the progress he made."

"You're not; he's in control…he has no reason to backtrack. He's doing fine; he made you a promise and he'll keep it. You have to let it go; he doesn't want you carrying the guilt for a choice he made. Like he told you before; even if none of this had happened; he could've still fell into that pit over something else."

"It's hard to believe that at times though. I feel like I'm so terrible for him. I love him so much…and yet I bring out bad things in him that almost made him destroy himself."

"That destruction would've been by his own hand, not yours. The thing about loving people is that you bring out the best in each other…and also the worst. Don't you think Jimmy brings out the worst in you sometimes? What about that temper of yours? He can fire that up pretty fast."

"I know," she sighed. "He's good at making me lose control…of making me jealous…"

"Making you feel worse when he's trying to make you feel better," Elizabeth supplied.

"Sometimes," she murmured. "I don't want him to think that I see those past problems as a weakness; because I don't. He's as strong as he's ever been in my eyes, maybe even more so now with all he's had to deal with through all of this. I don't want him to think that it makes me look at him any differently; because it doesn't…I just can't help but worry about him sometimes…I just worry that all of this stress could make him think about it, you know? And then I worry that worrying about those things means that maybe I do see him in a different way in that area and I don't like that feeling because I really don't feel like I do; he's the same man to me he's always been but I worry…."

Elizabeth held up a hand to stop the gush of words that had suddenly slipped through Johanna's lips. "It's alright to worry about it, Johanna; you wouldn't be normal if you didn't. Worrying doesn't mean that you see him any differently; it means you love him and don't want to see him go back to bad habits…but you have to learn to deal with that worry and those feelings; it gives you anxiety that you don't need. There's no sign of any trouble brewing in that area; so try to relax and let go of it a little. You could always talk to him about it, you know; it might make you feel better."

Johanna breathed deeply. "Sometimes I want to…but I get afraid of upsetting him about it…and maybe I feel like I have no right since I wasn't here to deal with it first hand."

"That doesn't mean that it hasn't affected you," Elizabeth stated. "It's a part of your life now; you have to learn to deal with it just as Jim and Katie have had to. You have to go through that process of learning how to deal with the knowledge of that problem. Jimmy will talk about it with you if you need to; all you have to do is open the door."

"It's hard to broach that subject," she admitted quietly. "I never know how to begin so I just don't."

Elizabeth gave a nod of understanding. "I know, it's not an easy topic to bring up…but you've made it through worse topics; like when you first came home. Even if it's awkward at first, once you start you'll be able to say what you need to. He's not going to get angry. Talking about it might make you feel better; it might ease your worries."

"I guess I can try."

"Yes, you could do a lot better in the trying department. He has worries too, you know."

Johanna's eyes widened, her gaze meeting Elizabeth's as her heart pounded. "About drinking?"

"No!" Elizabeth exclaimed. "I didn't mean that; I apologize for my wording. I mean that he worries about you being out on your own."

"I know…that's been a little bit of a tough road for both of us. I know he doesn't like it but he knows I have to do it and he encourages it. I don't really like going out by myself, but again, I have to do it."

"It gets frustrating though, doesn't it?"

"What?"

"His insistence on knowing every move you make…especially during those moments when you forget to make a call saying you're running to the store or when you tell him you've been somewhere he doesn't like for you to be…like the cemetery or window shopping."

"I understand though when he gets upset about those things."

"Understanding doesn't mean it doesn't get frustrating."

"I can deal with it."

"Jimmy's always liked to have control of everything in his world; not that I'm saying he controls you; God knows he could never do that," Elizabeth remarked.

"I know what you mean," Johanna replied. "I've had the same thoughts myself; he doesn't control people, he just wants to control circumstances."

"Exactly…it's not easy for him not to have as much control in that area as he'd like. When you were staying home, he'd take you out once in awhile and feel like he was furthering your progress and also maintaining control of the situations you'd be in…when you're out there on your own, he has no control."

"I'm doing the best I can to always make sure he's informed and that he's reassured that I'm coming back home," she said evenly; wondering if this would be where Elizabeth lectured her about how she was handling things with Jim.

"I know; but my point was that it can be frustrating when someone is trying to hold onto control of something."

"I'm fine...and Jim's fine too."

Elizabeth's brow rose. "He's tracking your phone."

Johanna held her gaze. "I already know about Jim's little tracking app."

Surprise flicked across Elizabeth's features. "You do?"

"Yes."

"How do you know?"

"I found it on his phone by accident one day. He was telling me about some picture on his phone one night and he told me I could look at it while he was in the shower. After I found the picture, I was looking at the apps on his phone and saw this game that looked interesting and thought I'd try it…instead of a game, the tracking feature came to life and after a moment of looking it over, I realized that it was tracking my phone."

"And you haven't said a word about it to him?" her mother-in-law asked in surprise. "I would've thought that if you had known, you would've blown your stack."

"If it had happened at a different time with none of this chaos in our lives I would have…but I can't now. I don't see it as him having some kind of mistrust in me…I see it as his way of trying to make sure I'm safe by knowing where I am all the time."

"So you're just going to let him get away with it?"

She nodded. "For now."

"Why!?"

"Because it isn't hurting anything if it makes him feel better and eases his mind a little…and honestly, it makes me feel a little better too to know he can look at a dot on the screen and know where I am as long as my phone is on."

"I'm not sure that's the right attitude to take; I brought it up to drive home my original point."

"What are you getting at, Liz?" she asked somewhat defensively.

"I'm saying that you need to quit tip toeing around him and let him know when you're angry or frustrated with his behavior."

"We have our squabbles," she retorted.

"And you tie yourself in knots over them. You're so afraid he's going to leave you…and he's not."

"Yeah; well, I'm still working through that fear, just like he's working through his, so he can have his app and I can grin and bear a few things to keep from rocking the boat, okay?"

Her mother-in-law shook her head. "It'll bite you in the ass one day."

Johanna laughed. "Yet another title for my autobiography one day; Bit In the Ass, Again."

"You two are going to have a big fight one day, Johanna. He won't leave you, but eventually you're going to explode, either over his need for control or over his little digs he throws once in awhile when things get tough. I know you; you can only be pushed so far."

"He's in no danger of pushing me to any breaking points."

"Yet," Elizabeth remarked knowingly. "And who said it would be him pushing you to yours? He might hit a breaking point of his own and it'll end up setting you off because you've held back so long."

"I'll do my best to keep that from happening. I know Jim's frustrated with the media attention and the fact that every time we seem to be getting a break Bracken's brother puts something else out there to whip up all the attention again. I know he hates it, so do I…I know he's frustrated about how it affects me and makes me cautious about going out sometimes…and paranoid; I'm doing the best I can. I try to keep from showing him my irrational fears too much. If I could make everything easier for him, I would. If I could go back in time and keep this all from happening I would in a heartbeat. Don't you think all the attention drives me crazy too? Don't you think I'm tired of it? I get frustrated too you know? I get so tired of being constantly reminded of what I did and why I did it. I just want it to go away. I can't snap my fingers and make everything better but I'm trying and everyone wants to act like it isn't good enough; well I don't feel like anyone has the right to judge me until they've had to walk in my shoes and deal with what I've had to deal with!"

Elizabeth's blue-grey eyes gleamed. "See; it's simmering in there…it's like a volcano that's dormant for so many years and then one day they just explode without warning. You're going to blow your stack like you haven't done in years. They might have to declare a state of emergency once you hit that point…because when you do; you're going to set this city on fire."

"That's a comforting thought," Johanna said sarcastically. "I really hope you're wrong."

"Don't bet on it. You know how you are; you know you have it all bottled up inside. You might be overly emotional and you might shed a lot of tears but that doesn't mean you're really letting it out like you need to. You're a little like me in that regard…"

"You're going to get insulting now?" she interrupted.

Elizabeth narrowed her eyes at her. "Well you know what they say; boys always marry girls that remind them of their mothers in some way."

"Now that was uncalled for, you old bag," Johanna replied.

Her mother-in-law laughed. "I think it was well deserved, but getting back to what I was saying; you are a little like me in that regard. We're not women who can be fully relieved of the burdens we carry by just shedding a few tears. We have to get angry…we have to yell, we have to say unladylike things under our breaths…or in your case, out loud…"

"Oh like you've never said a few four letter words; I've heard them come rolling off your lips several times."

"We're not talking about me," Elizabeth remarked. "We're talking about you. You've got two temperamental heritages in you…you're a temperamental woman. You've got to get pissed off enough to start making a comeback…and you will, you mark my words; but as I've mentioned, there are things you can do in the mean time…like talk to Jimmy no matter how awkward it feels for you."

"I just want to go back to being an anonymous citizen of this city," Johanna stated. "I just want to be a good wife, take care of my husband and my home; be a mother to my daughter, a good sister to my brother, a loving aunt to my nieces and nephews…and it would be nice to have an old friend come along and say 'hey, I get it and it doesn't matter, lets just get back to being who we always were', but I'm not holding out much hope on the friendship front."

"Don't be so sure," the other woman replied. "And you can be all those things; you already are…but you have to do more for you too. It can't just be about everyone else, Johanna; there has to be something for you. You don't have much control over some aspects of your life at the moment, but in other areas you can grab a hold of it and make things more solid. You can do it; you just have to give a little more effort."

She nodded in agreement although she wasn't quite sure what more she could do. It seemed like she was doing all she could at the moment.

"I'm not trying to be cruel to you, Johanna; I'm not discounting what you've been through. I know it's been traumatic. I just thought maybe given our history you could take these things better from me than you could from Naomi."

As much as it pained her to admit, she could take it from Elizabeth better, she thought to herself. Elizabeth's words didn't sting her the way her mother's had…Naomi wasn't good at tough love…and that was why it was hard for her to accept it when her mother used those tactics…but Elizabeth knew no other tactic than tough love; it was always her m.o. and anything else would've seemed odd from her. It was hard enough to accept that she was being somewhat nice about the way things had been.

"I just want you to feel better; I want you to find the part of yourself that's still missing. If you want everyone else to be happy, you have to be happy too; and before you even go off and start telling me that you are happy to be home with Jimmy and Katie, let me say that I know you are…but there are parts of you that aren't happy and you need to start mending those areas. Do you understand?"

"Yes," Johanna said softly. "I understand."

"Good; I'm glad you haven't decided to be stubborn today."

Johanna smiled a little and allowed things to grow quiet between them for a few moments before she broke her silence. "When I first talked to Sarah, she gave me your message about how you're haunting Madelyn and she's too stupid to realize it."

Elizabeth nodded. "It's true; Madelyn is too stupid to notice; I might have to up the ante. I'm not happy with her, not just because she tore out my lilac bush, but a lot of other things as well. She's turned into a vile, hateful person…I believe she's far worse than I ever was."

"I'm inclined to agree with that," she remarked. "We had a few brief words one day when Katie and I were standing outside your house during a walk we were taking."

"I know," Elizabeth replied. "She's not the person Robert and I raised her to be…she's doing such hateful things…keep your eyes open when she's near, Johanna. Don't turn your back to her for a minute; she'll stab you in it. Be wary of her and her hostility."

Johanna studied her mother-in-law. "Can you tell me why?"

She shook her head. "No, I can't; I'm not talking of physical harm of course…but you should be wary. Just keep her in the back of your mind…keep your eyes open, if Jimmy has contact with her, make sure he doesn't say too much about your personal lives to her."

"They don't really talk much; usually only if she needs something. He's not happy with the reaction she gave him when he told her about me."

"He's smart to keep his distance. When she calls wanting him to help her fix something, remind her that she said she doesn't need him, that she has other brothers. Don't encourage him to go as you have before. Let her call a professional."

"Alright, Liz," Johanna said seriously. "I'll be careful where Madelyn is concerned…I think I may know in some way what you're driving at in terms of being wary of her…and if she goes down the road I'm thinking, Jim will never have anything to do with her ever again…he won't forgive her."

"And he shouldn't. Madelyn has a lot of misdeeds against her and she keeps digging deeper," Elizabeth stated. "Don't get caught in her web…keep her in mind and if need be, be ready to fight back against her…if you know what I mean."

"Fighting fire with fire," she murmured.

Elizabeth nodded. "I hope you have something on her…and I know, as her mother that's a terrible thing to say, but damn it, I can't condone the way she's living her life."

Johanna glanced at her. "I know she's had affairs with married men…"

Her eyes widened. "What!?"

"It's the truth…that summer when Jim and I were dating and we went to the cabin for vacation and Michael and Natalie showed up as well as Madelyn; she provoked an argument with me a few nights later and during it she confessed that she had gone to the cabin with the intent on spending time with the married man she was seeing at the time…and there haven been others."

"Why didn't you tell me?!" Elizabeth thundered.

"I didn't think you'd believe me."

Elizabeth's lips pressed into a thin line. "I knew that girl was hiding something…I knew she was up to no good and she's still up to no good. You keep it all in mind, Johanna; don't be afraid to use it if you have to."

She sighed. "I hope I don't have to go to war with her."

"If you do, you can handle it; and don't worry about Jimmy; he'll back you all the way and he won't care about cutting ties with her. They haven't been close in a long time."

"I know…I feel badly though for being the reason that he and Michael aren't as close as they used to be. They used to invite him to dinner but ever since he told them about me and that he let me come home, they haven't invited him. They talk once in awhile but not like they used to. I feel like I've taken his family from him in some ways."

She shook her head. "Don't; Jimmy would rather have you than a hundred invitations to dinner with them. It's not your fault if they can't understand or accept things. If Michael really loved his brother the way he claims, he'd be happy for him. Don't let them bother you; they'll pull their heads out of their asses eventually."

"I hope so for Jim's sake. I don't really care if they don't want anything to do with me, I just don't want them shunning him."

"Michael will come around, it might take a little time but he'll get off his high horse. I'm thankful that Andrew has the sense to stick with his brother, but then again, he's always stuck to Jimmy. When he learned to crawl he started following Jimmy around and he's never lost that affection for him."

"Andrew's a good man," Johanna agreed. "He's loyal to his brother. You raised two good men in Jim and Andrew, Elizabeth."

Elizabeth smiled a little. "Those two did turn out better than the rest in a lot of ways. Michael's not too bad; he's just got his head stuck up his ass as I mentioned. William…well…he's always been like his grandfather and it makes him difficult. Madelyn's turned into a disaster. I guess I went wrong somewhere with her. Jimmy and Andrew though…they're good boys. I'm just sorry that Andrew got hooked up with that harlot that broke his heart and left him with a baby to raise on his own."

Johanna gave a nod. "I only met Tori once or twice before I had to leave…I didn't care much for her either. I think Andrew felt a little lost once you and Robert were gone…I think he was just trying to find someone he could hold onto and he was in a hurry to create a family for himself because he felt alone. She did him so wrong…Gabby too. I'd like to get my hands on her for the way she's treated her daughter."

"Gabriella is better off without her," Elizabeth remarked. "I look after Gabriella of course…but I wish she would've been born sooner so I could've held her and been a real grandmother to her…I would've been there for her…I would've throttled her mother."

"I know you would've…you might've been stern and less than a ray of sunshine at times, but you always stayed involved with your grandchildren. I know you would've loved her. I'm sorry that I had to miss out on her first twelve years."

"You're here now though," her mother-in-law replied. "And I appreciate that you're taking her under your wing. Thirteen is a hard age for a girl, as you know, and she needs a woman she can depend on to answer those hard questions that she isn't going to want to discuss with Andrew and she surely doesn't want to talk about it with Madelyn. You'll be good for her…she might be good for you too. You both need each other; she needs an aunt to take care of the things her mother won't; and you need to be needed by someone other than Jimmy at times so you don't feel at loose ends. I think Jimmy knows that; that's why he's encouraging you to bond with her. Andrew wants you to be there for her too; he's terrified of a teenage daughter."

"I know," she said with a soft laugh. "But he's a good father and Jim gives him advice when he can."

"Yes he does; but with Jimmy offering his support to Andrew and you being able to be there for Gabby for the 'girl stuff' so to speak that she's heading into, the two of you will be able to be an even better support system for them."

"We'll do whatever we can for Andrew and Gabby; we love them."

It grew quiet between for a long moment and Johanna began to wonder if maybe their visit was coming to an end, but then Elizabeth looked her way and spoke once more. "Katie's difficult," she stated, not bothering to embellish her statement or explain its meaning, not that she needed to explain.

Johanna gave a nod. "Yes; some days she is very difficult. She gets that from you."

Elizabeth scoffed. "Don't blame it all on my gene pool; take some credit for yourself…and Jimmy…and your father."

"Alright, I'll give you that one," she said with a dismissive wave of her hand.

"She's backed off a bit after all that progress you made; hasn't she?"

Johanna's eyes narrowed. "You already know so why state the obvious? She has pulled back and I know why. She mentioned recently during a tense moment over something she should've told me but didn't, that her excuse for doing so was that she didn't want to 'deal with me'."

"She apologized," Elizabeth remarked.

"I know and I accepted it; but saying you're sorry doesn't mean you didn't mean the words and I know she meant them. She doesn't want to deal with me…so I'm doing my very best not to step on her toes too much but that doesn't always seem to work out."

"That never seems to work out between a mother and her children; look at all the times Jimmy accused me of stepping on his toes."

Johanna eyed her. "You mean like when you walked into his apartment unannounced and called me a slut?"

"Being in a towel in the home of a man you're not married to at that time of the morning…and your clothes still on the floor from the night before, screams slutty behavior. If it quacks it's a duck; if it acts like a slut, it's a slut. You were being a slut, end of story."

"I am not a slut!" she declared.

"Based on the evidence I saw before the marriage took place, I say slut. Now if you'd been married at that time, I wouldn't have had reason to label you…but you weren't married, so therefore you were a slut."

"So once he married me I was no longer a slut?" Johanna asked.

Her mother-in-law pursed her lips. "I try not to think about what the two of you do in your spare time and what level of sluttiness you might still bring to the table for him."

"You're the one with five kids, Liz; you must've had some slutty moments of your own in your marriage."

"I never!" the spirit declared.

Johanna laughed; the urge to torment her springing to life. "Oh I think maybe you did; you protest way too much about it…and really, if you weren't doing something, I doubt Robert would've kept coming back enough to end up with five kids."

Elizabeth glared at her. "Shut up, you little harlot."

"Lighten up, Lizzie."

"I don't want to," she spat. "We're supposed to be talking about you, not me. Don't think I didn't notice that when Katie was mentioned that you tried to divert the topic."

She sighed. "I got the Katie lecture from my own mother, thank you very much."

"I wasn't lecturing; all I said was that she's difficult and that mother's aren't always good at not stepping on toes."

"Yeah; I know…but it felt like the buildup…you know, like those commercials on TV where they say 'but, wait, there's more!'"

Elizabeth smirked at her. "So dramatic."

"Don't like it, quit haunting my living room," Johanna retorted.

"I'm not haunting you; I'm visiting you."

"Yes, I know; it's been explained to me. Let's get on with it."

"Do you know what the problem is with Katie?" Elizabeth asked.

She shrugged. "The fact that she's stuck with a bad mother who's apparently too emotional and needy?"

"Besides that," Elizabeth replied.

Johanna sighed deeply. "I was hoping there wasn't more than what I listed."

"Katie's problem," Elizabeth stated firmly; "Is that she has forgotten that you are the mother and she is the daughter; she seems to have her roles reversed. She's under the impression that you have to answer to her and that she never has to answer anything or make any effort. You let her get away with it and that's why you're only good enough when it's convenient now that you aren't living in her guest room. You know it's true, Johanna. You let her get away with way too much."

"As you should know, it's hard to control the child once they reach adulthood."

"I didn't say you had to control her, I said you let her get away with too much and you need to stop it. You're the mother; act like it."

"I don't want to talk about this anymore."

Her mother-in-law shook her head at her. "You can't just stick your head in the sand like an ostrich and hope it gets better. Don't be stupid, Johanna."

She scoffed. "Well according to my father I've been stupid since birth so it's hard to change the habit now."

"You're not stupid; you just need to pull your head out of the sand. Start standing up to people; do more yelling; hell if you have to, be a bitch once in awhile; I know you know how…it always seemed to come easily to you," Elizabeth remarked.

A smirk of her own touched her lips. "I could say the same for you."

"Yes; I had no doubt that you would; but you know what I'm saying is the truth."

"How about we just summarize this so it's quick and easy," Johanna replied. "I'm a bad wife, a bad mother, a bad sister, daughter, friend, lawyer…and whatever else there is. Okay?"

"No. No one said you're any of those things. You're not a bad wife; but you do need to talk to Jimmy about the things that worry you so you won't have that weight on your shoulders. You're not a bad mother; you just have to remember where you put your back bone and stop letting Katie have all the power. Put her back in her place. I don't know where the bad daughter thing came from or why, so I'm chalking that up to nonsense on your behalf. I'm sure you're fine as a sister, and the friends who've turned their backs on you are people who clearly were never really your friends in the first place, and that goes for that secretary as well, I don't care how long you've known her. Tell her to kiss your ass, you don't need her. If you were a bad lawyer, you wouldn't have gotten into this mess, and further more, you're not one anymore so it doesn't matter."

"Technically I'm still a lawyer; I still have a degree and when the F.B.I. graciously gave me back my identity; that included reinstating it with the New York Bar…all I have to do is take my paperwork and a check for the fee down to the Bar association and I'd be registered and able to start practicing again…and further more, the laws of this state require all lawyers, whether they're practicing or not to keep their registration current, so really, I should go one day and get it done. They sent me a letter reminding me of that law once the F.B.I. had been through there cleaning up things."

"Then why haven't you done it?" Elizabeth asked.

"Because…"

"Because why?"

"Because it's a stupid rule…I don't intend to practice law again."

"Are you sure about that?"

She looked at her oddly. "Of course; why wouldn't I be?"

The spirit shrugged. "I have a feeling you miss it…that you'd like to at least do the kind of work Jimmy does now."

"I haven't been in a courtroom in thirteen years; I'm used to it."

"Being used to it doesn't mean you don't miss it."

"Why would I want to go back to something that almost robbed me of my life and took me away from my family?" she asked sharply.

"Because it's a part of you," Elizabeth told her. "You may have had to quit doing it for awhile but that doesn't mean you've totally turned that side of you off. You were teaching law…"

"I've taught law here," Johanna interrupted. "I taught law classes at Columbia every few semesters for several years."

"I'm aware of that; the point was, even outside of the courtroom, you've stayed in the realm of the law. I know you miss it…you'd love to sit down and dig into a case; have that focus for your mind; something that would keep you occupied and give you a feeling of accomplishment when it's over. You can only bake and clean so much before it starts feeling ordinary again. You wouldn't have to take on any criminal cases…you could focus on the areas you used to before you narrowed down the focus so you could be home more with Katie. I know you preferred civil rights but you also handled family law at times, if my memory serves me right. You've also done contract law and a handful of other things. You could find a place for yourself, either as a full fledged attorney or doing the behind the scenes work like Jimmy."

She shook her head. "I'm retired."

"It's not good for you; you don't want to be completely retired. Semi-retirement is better; that's why Jimmy still goes to work whenever he can. He may have wanted out of the courtroom but he didn't want out all the way."

"Jim said I'm retired from the law; he said I could go back to teaching if I want to get a job…but I don't know when I'll be ready to go back to work. I'm content to be a housewife."

"You can do both; you always have before."

"I'm not doing it; I told you, Jim said if I want to get a job that I could go back to teaching."

"And since when do you listen to him?" Elizabeth asked. "He doesn't get to tell you that you can't go back to being a lawyer."

"I'm not going back to that!" she exclaimed as she surged to her feet in frustration. "I wouldn't be able to even if I wanted to. No one would hire me; I've been out of the game for thirteen years, my reputation is in shambles. Nobody in their right mind would want the infamous Johanna Beckett defending them in the courtroom. Are you insane?"

"You're wrong; clients would come. It might not be easy at first but they'd come. You wouldn't have to take on as much as you used to."

"Elizabeth," she said tartly. "I'd have to start all over; my past record as an attorney would be meaningless. People don't just restart their career when they're 61 years old; most of my colleagues are retired or counting down to their retirement; not looking for a second wind in the business…and the ones who have no plans to leave it, stay because they know nothing else and don't know what they'd do with themselves. No law firm would hire me; not with my reputation…not with this business of witness protection and Bracken against me. I'd be a laughing stock."

"Then start your own office," Elizabeth replied.

"Are you crazy!? I can't start my own office."

"Why not? You convinced me to start my own garden club when that business with Virginia went down."

"That's totally different and you know it."

Her mother-in-law sniffed. "I don't think it is. I think you're just finding excuses. I think you'd like to practice law again but you're afraid to because of what's happened…just like you're afraid to step on Katie's toes and have it out with her when you need to; like you're afraid to push much with Jimmy. Let go of those fears and you'll feel much better."

"I can't restart my law career," Johanna said sharply. "It's been too long…Jim doesn't want me to and I think he's earned the right to say what I can and can't do in that area. I don't blame him in the slightest for it; if the situation was reversed, I'd say the same thing to him."

"So you're just going to be a wimp for the rest of your life; that's real nice, Johanna. My God you're a disappointment. I expected better of you…I guess I should've known better."

She bit her lip; forcing herself not to react to the words although they stung. "I don't know why being realistic about my career makes me a wimp," she said tersely, her tone low and controlled.

"You want to know why?" Elizabeth asked as she leaned closer. "Because you didn't make the decision for yourself; you allowed Jimmy to make it for you. You think you owe it to him to let him dictate your life."

"He doesn't dictate my life!" she exclaimed as she paused in her pacing to turn toward Elizabeth. "If he did, I wouldn't have that car sitting out in the driveway!"

"A car you wanted him to sell after your first solo run in with the media."

"It's not an unreasonable reaction," Johanna retorted.

"Maybe not; but if he had taken the car and sold it the next day, you wouldn't have said a word about it."

"That's my business," she said firmly. "What does it matter to you?"

Elizabeth's eyes narrowed at her. "I don't want a coward for a daughter-in-law…especially when I know she can breathe fire when it suits her. Jimmy's coddling you right now and that isn't always the best thing to do for a person no matter how much you love them. He wants to baby you and wrap you up in a cocoon…but there's going to come a time when he's going to realize that he's going to have to stop that. There's going to come a time when you have to realize that you have to stop carrying all the negativity on your back to make everyone else feel better. You can do better; you know it, I know it, so do it! Get it together!"

"I'm trying!" she yelled; throwing her hands up in the air to punctuate the point before she dropped back into the place she had abandoned on the sofa.

"Try harder!" Elizabeth yelled back. "You've got to take back some control! Let go of some of the things weighing you down! It's going to get worse before it gets better, Johanna; you need to be able to take hold of it at the right moment and turn it around."

Her heart thudded against her ribs. "Worse?" she murmured. "Worse in what way?"

"You know which way; out there with the media…maybe even between loved ones. You accused me of sugar coating things earlier…well I'm not; everything I've said is the truth, Johanna. Start easing the burdens on your shoulders now. Talk to Jimmy; share your worries and concerns now, don't let them linger and fester. Talking about it will ease it and it'll be one less thing to carry. Start standing your ground with Katie; let her know when she hurts you, when she angers you, when she's being stubborn. Keep your eyes open…don't trust too easily…don't rule out a return to the law; it's who you are…be the woman I've always known you to be; brassy, mouthy, smart. Keep your head in the game and out of the clouds; there are some things that can be sorted out later; other things need concentration now. Shake it off and get it together!"

Johanna sighed. "You were never a cheerleader in high school, were you?"

Elizabeth pointed a pale finger at her. "Don't make me come over there, Johanna."

She gave a quiet laugh even as her mother-in-law's words sank in. "I'll try to do better."

"Don't try; just do it."

She laced her fingers together, her gaze dipping to the floor for a moment before flicking back to Elizabeth. "I should talk to Jim about sometimes being worried about his past habits?"

The other woman nodded. "Yes."

"It won't do any harm?"

"No; it won't do any harm. Talk about that; talk about your other worries about your relationship. I'm not saying that doing so will prevent you two from fighting sometime in the future; but it'll make it seem less dire. Take the initiative; it'll be fine."

"Okay," she murmured, her stomach feeling like a horde of butterflies had taken up residence in it. "I'll talk to him tonight."

"You do that…and once in awhile; think about what you're going to do when this is over…you might want to think about your job options."

"Housewife," Johanna said firmly. "I just want to be a housewife…a mother when Katie wants me to be one and I'm happy to babysit my great nieces and nephews when needed. Hopefully one day I'll be a grandmother and maybe Katie will let me take the babysitting duties while she's at work. In the meantime, I'm sure I can find some hobbies."

Elizabeth sighed. "I see that I'm probably going to have to come back here sometime in the future and finish straightening out your sorry ass."

"Can't hardly wait for that," Johanna remarked sarcastically.

"You could save me the trip."

"I wouldn't want to deprive you of the joy you get from tormenting me, Liz."

"Smart ass."

She smiled a little. "It's been good seeing you…apparently it's one of our better days."

Elizabeth managed a smile of her own. "It has been nice…but I'll have to be going here soon. Is there anything you need to say or ask?"

"Will you be keeping an eye on things?"

"I always do; you and Jimmy and Katie are well looked after."

"Give my love to Robert and Lilly," she told her.

"I will," Elizabeth assured. "Find some way to give mine to my son and granddaughter."

"I'll do that…and you know, I did mean what I said that day…I do love you in my own way, despite the animosity. It wasn't a feeling that happened right away, but it came through the years…and I do miss you."

Her mother-in-law gave a nod. "I miss you too…and I meant what I said too. You listen to what I've told you; don't brush it off like you have from other people…you do what I said. I want what's best for all of you and for that to happen, you have to get back on your feet."

"I promise; I'll do better."

"See that you do," Elizabeth said as she rose from the chair. "I have to go now; you keep taking care of Jimmy…we'll talk again sometime."

"I'll take care of him, I promise. Goodbye for now, Liz."

"Goodbye for now," the spirit repeated before she faded away.

Johanna breathed deeply, the room feeling warmer but strangely empty now that Elizabeth had gone. Maybe her mother-in-law was right; maybe she could ease some of her burdens if she just had a talk with her husband. She wasn't looking forward to it…it would be awkward and difficult, but maybe it needed to be done…maybe they'd both feel better.


	6. Chapter 6

_A/N: Thanks for your reviews!_

Chapter 6- Spiritual Connections

That night after Johanna left the bathroom after her shower; she stood in the hallway outside the bedroom door and chewed on her bottom lip, trying to gather her courage to have that conversation with Jim. She wasn't sure it was such a good idea…but Elizabeth had seemed to be insisting upon it during her visit earlier that day and for some reason she felt compelled to listen to her mother-in-law…compelled to take her advice and have a conversation that might ease some of the worries she carried. But being compelled didn't make it any easier to think about or broach. She sucked in a shaky breath and entered their bedroom, closing the door behind her. Jim was settled on his side of the bed, the newest issue of his sports magazine in hand that he had gotten in the mail that day. She smiled a little, squinting to make out the headline on the page that was folded back and in her line of vision; she should've known that the article that had him engrossed would be an analysis of the recent World Series. She moved to her vanity, buying herself some more time as she sat down and reached for her lotion.

How was she supposed to do this, she wondered; as she rubbed the strawberry scented lotion on her hands. Did she really even need to bring it up? Her irrational fears didn't need to be his problem. What if bringing them up made him dwell on his past issues? That wouldn't be good for him…and yet it wasn't good for her either it seemed. She blew out a soft breath, her stomach churning. Why did this idea have to get into her head? Why did she have to feel that need to share with him that she worried about him sometimes? He probably already knew that; it was probably one of those unspoken things; just like she knew he worried about her. Did she really want to do this?

Her stomach seemed to be opposed to it as the knots tightened and she felt somewhat nauseated about the whole idea…and yet a voice in the back of her mind whispered 'just do it'. Surely no harm could come from it…could it? God she hoped not. She didn't want to upset him. She didn't want him to think she was thinking less of him somehow. Why did she have to be so afraid of this topic? Johanna frowned as she looked in the mirror; she knew why she was afraid…she was afraid because she carried the guilt of causing the problem he'd had. Elizabeth had said that she needed to let it go, that the problem had already been there long before she ever had to leave. It was something Jim had said himself and yet she had convinced herself that he only said those words to make her feel better. She _needed_ to feel better though…and maybe if a little discomfort could give her what she needed, it would be worth it.

The thought didn't ease her mind though as she rose from the bench seat of her vanity and untied her robe. She hadn't realized that she had 'dressed' for the occasion so to speak; she had chosen the peach colored silk nightgown he was always telling her that he liked so much. She hadn't made any conscious effort at picking something that might appeal to him…at least she didn't think so; but the nightgown was more suited to summer with its thin silken straps and its sleek fabric. Oh well, Johanna thought to herself; she had chosen it and she'd wear it…and if it somehow helped make all of this easier, then so be it. She slipped out of her robe and moved to the bed, dropping the soft black garment at the foot of it and then climbing in on her side. Instead of settling in against her pillows, she turned to face him, feeling that flutter of nerves as he glanced away from his magazine to look at her, a small smile touching his lips.

"You finally decided to join me, sweetheart?" he said lightly; his appreciative gaze moving over her as she toyed with the hem of her nightgown, tugging at it as she folded her legs and shifted a bit, making herself comfortable, her knee settling against the feel of his leg through the covers.

"Can we talk?" she asked; her voice quiet and tinged with nervousness.

Her husband immediately went on alert; his gaze only leaving her face for long enough to make sure his magazine hit the nightstand and not the floor. "What's wrong?" he asked.

"Nothing's wrong…I just need to talk."

"Alright," he said, his hand reaching for hers, seeing that she was struggling with whatever she wanted to broach.

Her tongue felt tied and she felt her palm begin to sweat as he held her hand. "I…"she began and then trailed off, clearing her throat to try and rid it of the lump that was growing in it.

"What is it, Jo?" Jim asked; gently coaxing her.

"I…I worry sometimes," she finally managed to say.

He smiled. "Honey, that's nothing new to me; I know you worry; so do I."

She shook her head a little. "No, I mean…I worry in a general sense but I…I also worry about you."

"About me?" he asked; his brow furrowing in puzzlement. "Why?"

Johanna took a shaky breath, wishing she hadn't started this. "I don't know how to bring it up…I don't know how to talk about it," she said softly.

Understanding suddenly dawned in Jim's eyes as he connected the dots. "You mean past habits…drinking?"

She licked her lips, the tremor of nerves making her hand shake slightly in his. "Yeah."

Jim squeezed her hand. "I'm not drinking, Jo."

"I know you're not!" she hurried to exclaim. "There hasn't been any indication or evidence that you were…I just worry sometimes and I hate myself for it."

"Why?"

"Why?" she repeated. "I worry because you have to deal with me."

Jim shook his head. "That's not what I meant. I meant, why do you hate yourself for worrying about it?"

"Because I trust you," Johanna replied. "I know you don't want to go back to that and honestly when you walk out the door the thought isn't in my mind that you might go…do that," she said, unable to even say the word. "And if I trust you that much then why should I sit here some days and worry about it?"

"Because you're human," he said gently. "I don't except you not to worry about it, Jo."

"But I…I can't explain it," she said in frustration, pulling her hand away from his and entwining her fingers in her lap. "I shouldn't have brought it up."

Jim touched his fingers to her chin, forcing her to meet his eye once again. "It's okay that you brought it up and it's fine if you need to talk about it…take your time; I'm not going to jump to conclusions if you say something in a way you didn't really mean for it to be taken. Keep going, it's okay."

The lump in her throat was getting harder to swallow; tears pooling in her eyes. "I just…it's not that I'm constantly worrying about it; I don't."

He nodded. "Occasional worry."

"Yeah…and I hate that I do that; because like I said, I trust you, and I feel like if I worry about it, then some part of me is trying to say that I don't have the trust I think I do and I don't like thinking that…I don't want you thinking that I don't trust you because I swear that I do."

"I know you do, Jo."

"You do?" she asked as a tear slipped free.

"Yes," Jim told her, his voice sincere.

"How do you know?" she couldn't help but ask.

"I know because you don't give me the third degree when I come home. You ask how my day was but you don't ask for every minute detail. I don't always come home for lunch…I always tell you where I went but you don't ask me what I ate or drank; or what anyone else had to eat or drink. I don't see you eyeing me suspiciously…unless I try to sweet talk you a little too much," he said lightly, trying to ease her discomfort. She offered him a wobbly smile and he took it as his cue to go on. "You don't give me any indication of being suspicious about anything I do, Jo; you act the way you always have. You've always been interested in what I do, but you don't demand every single little detail. You trust me and I know that; I feel it, so you don't need to feel like having an occasional worry means otherwise. I trust you, and I hope that deep down you know I do; but I think you also know that I still have the occasional worry that something might try to take you from me again…"

"I know," she said, a soft cry breaking through. "That's why I worry; but I swear I'm not ever going to let anyone take me away again."

"Shh," he soothed, his fingertips caressing her chin. "I know it isn't going to happen again; but I also know that you've mentioned several times that you don't think I trust you…and maybe feeling that way makes you worry about your trust in me."

"But I don't have any reason not to trust you…and you'd have every reason not to trust me."

"No, I don't; I know you're not keeping anything from me."

"But I did before."

"Because you had to; we've discussed that many times, sweetheart. I understand. Just like I understand that you worry about the problems I had in the past."

"I caused it," she whispered. "I caused you to go down that road."

"No; I told you; you were the excuse I used, but you're not responsible for the choice I made. Johanna, if you had come home one day and confessed to me that the F.B.I. had come to you and told you that you were in danger and had to leave; I would've personally put you in the car and drove you to their office and told them to take you to safest corner of the earth they could find and keep you there until you were safe. It still would've killed me inside to have to let you go, but I would've done it, because keeping you alive would've been the most important thing to me…and even knowing you were alive and well somewhere out there, even though I couldn't be with you to make it look authentic, I still would've came home and dealt with it in the same manner. I still would've opened that bottle."

"You don't know that."

"Yes, I do," he said firmly. "You know as well as I do that the seeds of that problem were there long ago. I always had to have a drink when I was angry, when I was hurt or frustrated. You know that, Jo; you know because you've been a part of my life for a long time. You saw it. When things went sour between us right before we got together, I got drunk. When we broke up that one time, I got drunk; when we had that little break during our engagement, you know I got drunk…because I snuck into your apartment with a plot to seduce you to make you marry me."

Johanna couldn't help but smile at the memory. "I believe your ultimate goal that night was to get me pregnant so I'd _have_ to marry you…at least that's what you told me."

He grinned. "It seemed like a good idea at the time…it's not easy to think up a plot that elaborate sitting in a loud barroom."

She gave a soft laugh. "There was just one problem; you forgot that I was on the pill at that time."

He chuckled. "That's alright, I got to have my way with you anyway…and you're here, so clearly I convinced you to marry me despite all that nonsense that was going on that week."

"I didn't break up with you; I just wanted to think about marriage more," she remarked as she cupped his face.

"I didn't like that idea," he replied; "But getting back to our topic; you know I drank when something was wrong in my life. As I've reminded you several times before, there was that time when Katie was four that I had a bit of a problem and things were a little rough between us. You gave me an ultimatum and I straightened out…but it proves that it was always there, Jo. It didn't have anything to do with anything you did or didn't do; it's just always been there. That's what I grew up seeing the men in my family do…it's what my brothers and I learned…I just learned it a little more than they did."

"But it was worse when I wasn't here."

"I know; because you weren't there kicking my ass and telling me you'd walk out the door if I didn't get a hold of the problem…and that's not your fault. You had to be where you were safe and I understand that and it's what I would've preferred. It took me a long time to see the error of that way…it took Katie threatening to walk away and never come back. But I got the help I needed and I did all the therapy and all of that that comes with the territory; I've told you about that."

"I know," she said softly as she swiped at a tear.

"I'm the one who has to carry the weight of those decisions, Jo. I made them, not you; there were other ways to cope but I always took that one and somewhere inside you know that. I know you feel guilty about it, I know it eats at you and you hate knowing it happened, just as much as I hate knowing that I couldn't stop what happened to you. But sweetheart, you can't carry the blame for it or the responsibility; that's mine. It's not your fault; I've told you that several times."

"I'm sorry," she cried. "I know I drive you crazy."

His fingers fell against her lips. "You drive me crazy, but only in the right ways; not about this. It's going to take time for you to get through this. I know you have to go through the process of accepting that this happened and that it's a part of me. I know you have your own feelings to work through in regard to it."

"I shouldn't have brought it up," Johanna murmured. "I should keep my paranoia and nonsense to myself."

"No; that's the worst thing for you to do. You're never going to feel better about it unless you talk about it. Johanna, if you think for a moment that I don't know or believe that you've worried about it from the moment you found out about it, you're wrong. I know you worry, I don't blame you. I know Katie still worries at times and I don't blame her either."

"But I don't feel like I have a right," she admitted.

"Why?"

"Because I wasn't here to see it and go through it."

"Jo,…don't you see; that's what makes it worse for you. You weren't here to go through it; you weren't here to go through the process of getting past it like Katie was. You're going through it in a different way than we did and it's harder for you. I understand that you need time to come to terms with it; that you're going to worry from time to time…that you're always going to have a part of you that carries the blame no matter how many times I absolve you…and it's okay. I didn't expect you to know about this and not have any feelings about it. Everything you feel about it is normal, sweetheart. One day you'll feel better about it, I promise. You're just going through the process of dealing with the knowledge and how it's a part of us, okay? You don't need to ever feel bad about that."

Johanna couldn't keep her tears from spilling down her cheeks. "I just worry that you'll think I look at you differently; because I swear I don't."

"I know you don't. I admit, when we first talked about it, I did worry that you would see me differently…that you might think I was weak, that I wasn't the same man you married."

"No," she said fiercely as she shook her head. "I never, ever thought that. You're still the same man you've always been to me; you're still as strong as you ever were in my eyes. I don't see you differently, I swear I don't."

"I know," Jim told her, his hand rubbing her arm in an attempt to soothe her. "I honestly believe that you still see me the way you always have; it's just a knee jerk reaction…it's just me never wanting to be diminished in your eyes. I always want to be whatever it was you saw in me all those years ago that made you stick around and put up with all the crap I put you through…I want to be the man you wanted to marry."

"You are; that's another reason why I hate myself when I worry. I get afraid that it means I do see you differently in some way and I can't bear to think that because in my heart I know I don't."

"Worrying doesn't mean you see me differently; I promise you that. My worries don't make me see you differently either. It's okay to feel those things, Johanna; I swear to you that it is and that one day, it won't be so loud in your head. Tell me what it is exactly that makes you worry about this; what is it that makes you worry that I'll backslide; can you tell me?"

She nodded although she felt reluctant to do so. "I worry about driving you to it. My worries, my fears, my issues, my paranoia at times. The stress of all of this attention and the way it makes me act and feel. I worry that something I say or do will make you feel a need to go back to that habit."

"You can call it what it is, Jo; drinking."

"We both know what it is," she replied, her tone sharper than she intended. An instant apology formed on her lips but Jim laid his fingers against her mouth.

"It's alright; don't apologize."

Johanna sucked in a shaky breath, forcing herself not to utter the words 'I'm sorry'. "I just don't want to be the cause again. I don't want to do something that would ruin the progress you've made."

Jim held her gaze. "If that was going to happen, don't you think it would've happened by now? Look at all we've been through. From the moment I saw you in the precinct that first day, my only urge was to bring you home; not to drink. It's been eight years…nearly nine. There was no desire to dive back into bad habits. There's still no desire for it. That's why when we go out, I tell you if you want a glass of wine with dinner, have it; it won't bother me. Some people can't be around it after they quit but honestly it doesn't bother me to see someone else having a drink; because I don't want it. I know what it did to me and I didn't like that person I was then. You don't have to deny yourself because of me. You don't have to worry that something you say or do will cause me to backtrack because it's not. I'm fine, sweetheart…and remember, I made you a promise that if I ever felt like that control was slipping, I'd come to you and let you help me. I'll never break that promise to you, Jo. I'm not going to let that happen again; I'm not going to do it to you or Katie or me. I'm fine."

"I'm sorry," she whispered, feeling badly for bringing up the subject.

"You don't have anything to be sorry for," he told her. "You're allowed to talk about it."

"I don't like to," she admitted; her gaze darting away.

"Why not?"

"It's hard for me to talk about…and I don't want to upset you by bringing it up."

Jim shook his head and grasped her chin, forcing her to return her gaze to his face. "You don't need to feel that way. If you need to talk about it, we'll talk about it; it doesn't bother me to speak of it. I don't want you to be afraid to bring it up when you need to. If you need to talk about it to feel better, then you do what you did tonight and you tell me that you need to talk…I'm not ever going to get angry with you about it, okay?"

"Okay," she whispered; feeling a small amount of weight lift from her heart.

He leaned closer and pressed a soft kiss against her lips. "While we're having a little discussion here; do you want to tell me anything else that worries you about me?"

Johanna shrugged. "Like what?"

"You tell me."

She hesitated, her lips parting slightly and then closing, as if she was still unsure if she could bare the inner most thoughts that her soul harbored. He gave her a small smile, his fingers moving against hers in a soft caress. "Come on, you can tell me," he prodded.

"I just worry about my issues driving you crazy. I'm overly emotional; I worry about everything…I get paranoid. I'm probably a far cry from the woman you married."

"That couldn't be further from the truth," Jim said, his tone gentle and warm as his hand cupped her cheek.

She scoffed softly, her gaze dipping to his unoccupied hand, catching the glint of light that hit his gold wedding band.

"You've always been an emotional person, Jo. Sometimes something comes along and amps up your emotions a bit but you always settle down and it's not anything I can't handle."

"I know you get frustrated with me and emotions sometimes though."

"It's not you I get frustrated with; it's the emotions you're feeling…but that's nothing new. It's always frustrated me," Jim remarked; "And not because something has you more emotional than usual, but because I can't always find a way to fix whatever the problem is."

"I wish I could fix things too," she murmured.

"I know you do."

"I feel like I have so many issues and I worry about them driving you away," she tearfully admitted.

Jim tucked a lock of hair behind her ear, his knuckles skimming her cheek. "That's never going to happen, sweetheart."

Her eyes closed for a second, her fingers reaching out to clutch the soft material of his shirt. "You promise?" she whispered.

"I promise," he murmured. "You're stuck with me; you can't ever get rid of me."

"I don't ever want to."

"Good, my evil plot to have you worship me for life has been a success."

She laughed softly. "I hope it's a mutual worship."

"Of course it is; but listen, I know you worry…and don't get mad at me for saying this but I think you have a lot of anxiety inside of you and it makes you feel like small things are bigger than they really are. That's why I made that very bad suggestion once that we could go talk to a doctor and see if he could give you something; something non-habit forming, to help you get through that. You said no and I understand and respect that; but it doesn't mean you don't have anxiety; because you do, sweetheart. It's not anything we can't handle; it doesn't bother me, I know you're working through it; just like it doesn't bother me when you're more emotional than usual. It's fine. If you need to ask for reassurance to settle your worries down, then don't ever hesitate to ask for it, okay?"

"Okay," she said softly, her fingers still curled into his shirt.

Jim took her unoccupied hand, content to allow her to keep hold of his shirt, feeling like she was holding on because she needed an anchor as she broached uncomfortable topics. "I know sometimes I can be impatient and frustrated…but I've always had those tendencies and you know they usually stem from not being able to fix something as quickly as I'd like. Some things are my own fault, you know? You used to know that and you need to know it again. You don't have to take the blame for everything."

Johanna breathed deeply and exhaled slowly. "Do you think I don't act like myself?"

Jim squeezed her hand. "Are there times when you don't seem like yourself? Yes; but again, that isn't anything new; there have always been times when you've seemed off do to stress and worry. We all have those moments and I don't really worry about it too much because you always snap back into place. It's not constant and when it does happen it's usually in connection with something that's happened…like when you went out by yourself and the media caught you and you had that panic attack. You have a lot on your mind; a lot of stress, a lot of worry. You've been through a lot of trauma…and I know that you don't like to think so; you have yourself convinced that the trauma was all Katie's and mine; but it's not, Jo."

Her gaze dropped away from his, her hand tightening as she held on to his shirt. What happened to her didn't matter to her nearly as much as what happened to her husband and daughter; they were what was important, not her. She could be fine as long as she was with them.

"I know what you're thinking," he said quietly. "You're thinking it doesn't matter but it does. You went through a hell of a lot, more than a lot of people could bear…I know I wouldn't have been able to go through what you did, sweetheart; I wouldn't have made it…but you're so strong and brave; you kept the goal of coming home in mind. I know it took a lot longer than you would've liked; longer than anyone would've liked, but what matters is that you've gotten here and we're together. But that doesn't take away from what you went through. You were ripped away from us. You had to change your name; you had to live in a strange place where you didn't know anyone. You couldn't tell anyone who you were, where you came from. You couldn't contact us. You had to live alone for thirteen years…Katie and I, we had each other, but you didn't have anyone with you…and I know you suffered greatly because of it; because of the whole thing. You had to hear about Katie's shooting on the news; you had to go through that worry alone. When you came home, you had to deal with our reactions, our issues. You had a bullet graze your arm, you were threatened. You had to move in with Katie and deal with things being rough between the two of you for awhile; it took time to find your balance."

Tears spilled down her cheeks once more as she thought of those early days when Kate had been so cold and callous…how she had laid awake many nights praying to God that she'd find some way to break through the wall her daughter had thrown up between them; that she'd find some way to reach her, to make her see how sorry she was and how she would've never left if she hadn't been forced to. So much of that time period was still painful not only in regard to Kate but in regard to Jim as well. It had been a heavy load to carry; her heart was battle scarred and her soul littered with bruises; they had put her through the ringer so many times; not that she'd ever bring that up. She had deserved it and she took every blow without complaint…but she was still raw and sore inside, the chaos still fresh in her mind. The media presence made sure that it never faded for long; they kept ripping the scabs off of wounds and making them bleed; keeping her worries whipped up into a frenzy.

Jim brushed away the tears on her cheek; knowing she was mentally sorting through that big box of hurts that her brain and heart kept stored away. "You shoved all of your feelings into a box and pushed it away," he stated gently, his tone quiet. "You pushed it away to deal with mine and Katie's issues. You gave all of your effort to making us feel better…and in the beginning, no one made much effort to make you feel better, to make sure you were okay…because we were too caught up in how we felt, how to be cautious and wary just in case. While you were with Katie there were more threats, there was a break-in, you were both shot at. You went and faced off with that bastard. You had to go back to Wyoming and tie up loose ends and that was harder on you than it was me and Katie…I was there, I could feel your anxiety level go through the roof except for that night I took you out. You came home and we started to settle in and then the media arrived to breathe down our necks; Adam Bracken is always out there running his mouth about one thing or another; keeping it alive. Some members of our family have been less than supportive. All of those feelings you've been holding back, all the trauma you've been suppressing, it's all coming out now that the biggest threats have been removed. You wouldn't be normal if you didn't have things to work through. I understand that. I expect you to have days where you seem a little off. I expect you to have your bad days…but for the most part; and just for clarification that means the majority of the time, you're you; you act the way you always have; you're yourself."

"You're sure?"

"Yes, sweetheart; you're fine."

She sniffed a little. "Sometimes I'm still afraid to go out by myself," she whispered.

He nodded. "Sometimes it still scares me too, but what matters is that you do it anyway…that we both get through that worry. I can tell you that there's a big difference between now and when you first came home when it comes to leaving the house. That night when Katie brought you home for our anniversary, the next morning when it was time for you to go back to her place, you had a panic attack at the thought of walking out the door. I brought you home the day Bracken was arrested and two days later when we had to go meet with Agent Jenkins at the precinct, I could see the hesitation and panic filling your body as you thought about walking out the door…and that lasted for awhile, Jo. You didn't really start getting over those hesitations until you got your car. I know you still get worried, so do I; but you've come a long way in that respect."

"There was that time though after I had that panic attack in public when I didn't get out by myself for awhile."

"I know," he replied. "But you got out of the habit. It just took the right thing to bring you back out of that. You're doing a lot better when it comes to going out."

"I'm trying to do better in everything," she murmured.

"I know you are; and I think you're doing fine…it's just going to take a little time for you to feel completely better and that's okay."

"It's not me that I really worry about," Johanna stated. "I worry about you; and how everything I do might affect you. I've upended your life twice in thirteen years…I'm not proud of that."

"You left because you had to; I understand that and I forgive you for it. You came back because it was time, and I'm glad you did; it's all I ever wanted."

"Sometimes I feel like a burden."

"You're not; you're my wife and I'm happy to have you home, happy to take care of you, to give you whatever you need. Things aren't as bad as you seem to make yourself think sometimes, sweetheart. We're fine."

"You're sure?" she couldn't help but ask. "You don't have any regrets about letting me come home?"

"I'm positive," Jim answered; his hand cupping her face once more, pulling her a little closer. "There aren't any regrets about having you home. You don't need to worry about that; just like you don't need to worry about me drinking."

"I just love you so much," Johanna whispered, her chin trembling with the force of unshed tears. "I can't stand the thought of hurting you or ruining any part of your life."

He shook his head. "You haven't ruined anything, and any hurt that was had was mutual, because you hurt just as much or more. I know you love me; and I love you, more than anything in this world. That's why I don't need any old habits."

"I'm glad to hear that."

He smiled; his thumb sweeping across her cheekbone. "There's only one vice I need," he stated, his tone sending a burst of warmth through her body.

"What's that?" she asked; her breath catching slightly as he drew her closer.

"You," Jim murmured before capturing her lips in a tender kiss. "I only need you…you're my vice of choice."

She moved on to his lap without thought, her lips seeking his for a passion fueled kiss. "Can that be mutual? Because I'm pretty sure I'm addicted to you," she murmured, her hand caressing his cheek before her fingers sunk into his hair.

He nodded; his arms wrapping around her. "It better be mutual; because I know I'm addicted to you…and lucky for us, there's no recovery program for that."

She giggled; although really it was probably a joke made in poor taste considering what they had been talking about earlier; but the amused gleam in his eyes made it okay; the warmth of his hands seeping through the silk of her nightgown soothing her, his kisses wiping away the worries and fears she had been holding onto all evening. Her heart felt lighter, the weight on her shoulders less heavy as he dragged his lips along the column of her throat. She knew his goal was that sensitive spot on the side of her neck and she felt anticipation building within her as he continued his slow, deliberate torment.

"You know," he murmured against her skin, his fingers clutching the peach fabric of her nightgown. "You always seem to wear something special for serious conversations."

A soft self conscious laugh fell from her lips. "I swear to you that it wasn't intentional tonight."

"I don't mind if it was," he stated, effortlessly shifting her from his lap to her side of the bed where he moved over her before she could even realize what he had done. "I like this one," he remarked, his fingers slowly dragging the material upwards.

"You've told me," she replied, a slight catch in her breath as his mouth finally landed against that spot that always made her melt.

"It's good to know you listen," he remarked before catching her lips in a fiery kiss.

"Does this mean our discussion for the evening is closed?" she asked; feeling the silky material being dragged up over her hip, his hand letting go long enough to move across the skin he had bared, the feel of his fingertips against her skin making her yearn for more; needing their intimacy to prove that all was still well between them.

"I thought so; I thought we were ready to move on to the 'proving and reassuring on a different level' phase…but if you have something else to say, I'm willing to listen."

Johanna shook her head, her fingers fisting his shirt to keep him from pulling away. "I don't have anything else to discuss."

"You're sure?" he asked as she released her hold on his shirt, her fingers searching for the hem to rid him of it.

"I'm sure," she whispered as managed to capture his lips. "I just want this…I just want you."

"Good," Jim remarked; his lips brushing over her ear. "Because you're all I want too."

* * *

Later on, Johanna laid in the darkness of the room beneath the tangled sheets, her husband's chest warm and firm against her back and his arm wrapped tightly around her. She sighed in sleepy contentment as she felt his lips brush against her hair and then her bare shoulder. It sounded clichéd to her sleepy mind, but there had been something even more magical than usual in the midst of their lovemaking…a different layer of tenderness; the passion as always, but a new layer to it, something she couldn't quite name but it had felt so good. She had been soothed and consoled, loved and reassured. Pillow talk had wiped away the seriousness that had clung to the air of the room. She breathed deeply; inhaling Jim's scent, drinking in the feel of being back in that quiet, romantic bubble with him.

"I love you," he murmured in her ear, his voice as sleepy sounding as she felt.

"I love you too," she whispered, her hand finding his and curling around it. Sleep was crashing over her, and for the first time in awhile she fell asleep without any worries; without thoughts of guilt or brewing storms or meddling ghosts. She had a sweet reprieve nestled safely in her husband's arms.

* * *

As Johanna sat at her desk the next morning, she thought over her visit from Elizabeth and how she had taken some of her advice and had that talk with Jim. She had to admit that she felt some better; it had been a good conversation; some weight had lifted and she felt like they had managed to achieve another level of healing. Everything about the night before had been good…so very good; the talking, the love making, the pillow talk and the warmth of his arms as she had fallen asleep. She breathed deeply, letting all those feelings sweep back over her; a small smile touching her lips as she remembered how the romantic mood had lingered into the morning…how she had to almost push him out the door to work…how she was counting the minutes until he came home. She loved that feeling of warmth and happiness that lingered; it just went to prove that Elizabeth did have her good points…even if it did come in the form of a ghostly visit. Whoever would've thought that she'd be so glad to have had that conversation with her mother-in-law?

The thought of how much smoother that visit had gone and how easily she had taken her advice led a worry to spring up in Johanna's mind. She frowned, her teeth worrying her bottom lip. What if taking Elizabeth's lectures and advice so easily had offended her own mother? She didn't like the thought of that and she suddenly felt the need to speak to Sarah. Her gaze moved away from her laptop to seek out the sight of her butterfly paperweight to see if it had been moved as usual. Upon seeing that it was, she put it back in its proper place and glanced at the time on her computer; it was a little after ten; surely her grandmother would deem that a more acceptable morning hour. With her mind made up, she closed the laptop.

"Sarah," she called out. "Are you here? Can we talk?"

Johanna waited a moment but felt no chill in the air and no indication of being heard. "Please, Sarah," she said after a minute more. "I swear I'm not trying to make this a habit. I know you can't be at my beck and call but I just need to talk."

The temperature of the room dipped; the light flickering as she reached for the soft wine colored shrug that was lying over the back of her chair. She slipped into it as Sarah materialized in the room.

"You have to be more patient, darling," Sarah said warmly. "I can't be here as soon as you snap your fingers; you have to give me a few minutes."

Johanna smiled sheepishly. "I'll keep that in mind. I did wait until later in the morning this time though."

Her grandmother grinned. "I appreciate that. Now what's on your mind this morning?" she asked as she moved across the room to drag the piano bench toward Johanna's desk.

She waited for Sarah to be settled before she spoke. "I had a visitor yesterday…"

Sarah nodded. "Elizabeth; and I must say, dear; you handled it very well."

"I think I did do better with that one…the emotional breakdowns weren't as bad as they were with my mother."

"Yes, I know; and I must say; you seem very relaxed today."

A small smile touched her lips. "I am…I…I took a piece of Elizabeth's advice."

Sarah clapped her hands together happily. "That's wonderful, darling. I'm so happy to hear that. I knew this would be good for you."

Johanna took a deep breath and exhaled slowly; her fingers tapping against the desk as she pondered how to go about her topic.

"What's wrong?" her grandmother asked. "I sense there's a small part of you that's troubled despite your more relaxed composure."

"I'm worried," she admitted.

"About what?"

"My mother."

Sarah looked at her oddly. "What about her?"

"I'm afraid that I might've offended her by taking Elizabeth's visit better than I did hers…that I might've hurt her feelings by taking a piece of Elizabeth's advice. Is she upset with me? I don't want to think that I've hurt her; it's the last thing I'd want to do."

Understanding filled Sarah's eyes. "Oh, darling; you don't have to worry about that. Naomi isn't offended or hurt that your visit with Elizabeth went differently than your visit with her. You don't have the bond with Elizabeth that you have with your own mother; of course you were going to take it better from her. She's not offended; she's glad you took that piece of advice; she hopes you'll take more of it and that when you're ready you'll use the advice she gave you as well…and she knows you will, you always have in the past."

"She's okay?" she asked, just to be sure.

Her grandmother smiled. "She's perfectly fine. Don't be surprised if she shows up in your dreams tonight to reassure you of that."

Johanna gave a small smile. "I know it probably seems like a silly thing, doesn't it?"

Sarah shook her head. "No; not at all. You love your mama and you don't want to hurt her feelings by finding an easier acceptance of things from someone else. I think we all probably feel that way at one time or another. Don't let any worries like that cloud your feelings and acceptance. I know this hasn't been easy for you, but you did do well with Elizabeth yesterday, I think that was a very productive visit."

"Maybe so."

"You had that talk with Jim as she suggested?"

Johanna's gaze flicked to her grandmother's face. "Don't you know?"

"I know that you were gathering your courage but once your bedroom door closes, I stay out, dear; that's your personal, private space and I don't come in there unless you're alone and in need of the feeling of someone being around. When it's you and your husband, you can rest assured that you are alone with him."

"That is somewhat comforting," she replied; "And yes, we did have that talk last night."

"And how did go?"

"Better than I thought it would. It was awkward at first; it's not an easy topic to bring up…I guess I was a little afraid."

"But you pushed through that fear and did it anyway," Sarah stated.

She nodded. "Yeah, I did…he probably deserves a medal for putting up with me."

Her grandmother smiled. "I think it could also be said that all wives deserve medals for putting up with their husbands."

"True," Johanna said with a soft laugh. "There are those moments when you have to dig deep to find enough self control to keep from doing something you'll regret."

Sarah giggled. "That is so true…there were a few times when I thought about picking up the skillet and giving Patrick a whack with it."

"Does Grandpa know that?" she laughed.

"Oh yes, he's been made aware of it. But back to you and Jim; you had a good talk and you feel better?"

"Yes; I do feel better…and I hope maybe he feels better too in some way now that we've had that talk."

"I'm sure he does…I did get a glimpse of the two of you in the kitchen this morning…"

Johanna blushed. "Sometimes we hate to say goodbye."

"I noticed," Sarah teased. "Seeing that you were occupied, I went on my rounds; that's why it took me awhile to get back here when you called."

"What can I say?" she asked with a small laugh. "We've managed to keep the spark alive and I haven't become one of those women who gives it up at a certain age…which he appreciates greatly."

"No reason why you should give it up; it's good for a marriage to keep that spark alive…it's good to keep you feeling young too."

"I have no intention of turning into an old lady anytime soon."

Sarah grinned. "Good for you, darling; you rail against that. Age is nothing but a number; act the way you feel…and I highly doubt you feel your age."

"You're right, I don't; and I thank God for it. We're both healthy; we don't have any issues to keep us from doing the things we've always done. I hope we stay that way for a long time."

"I'm sure you will," her grandmother replied. "You both take care of yourselves and of each other. I am glad to see you feeling better this morning; it gives you a glow."

Her cheeks warmed once more; if she had a glow she wasn't sure if it was from a satisfying conversation with her husband or if it stemmed from the even more satisfying way they had spent the rest of their evening…in fact, she was sure the latter option was more responsible for a glow. The lingering romantic bubble they had been in that morning kept it alive.

"You're blushing," Sarah remarked; an amused sparkle in her eyes.

"Yeah…it's an embarrassing habit."

"It is not; why do you say that?"

"Because it's a giveaway," Johanna answered. "I'm sure you're filling in the blanks."

Sarah shrugged. "You're a married woman, you're allowed to enjoy every aspect of marriage…there's no shame in it."

"Oh I'm not ashamed; not in the slightest."

The spirit laughed. "You just feel ashamed when someone can pick up on the obvious?"

"Well…it is personal."

"No one asked for details," her grandmother replied. "I told you I don't pry in that area; but there's nothing wrong with a good talk leading to romance…I'd say it cements the bond…smoothes things over…offers reassurance."

"That's all true," she murmured. "I noticed that you didn't play with his phone last night; have you given it up?"

"Oh no," Sarah laughed. "I'm just letting him think it fixed itself…then I'll do it again. I want to keep him on his toes."

"I'm looking forward to seeing his face when it happens again," Johanna replied; "I'm sure it'll be priceless."

"That's the best part about it," her grandmother quipped. "Have you given any more thought to what Elizabeth said about your career?"

Johanna sighed. "I don't have a career anymore, Sarah."

"I believe the point of that conversation was that you could have one again if you so desired."

"Well maybe I don't desire it."

Sarah's brow arched. "Is that the truth or just what you want everyone to believe…even yourself?"

She rubbed her fingers across her forehead. "Suddenly I'm starting to regret calling for you."

Her grandmother had the audacity to giggle. "Isn't that a shame? The question still stands and I won't leave until I'm good and ready."

"I am content to be what I am," Johanna remarked firmly.

The spirit eyed her intently; in a way only grandmothers could do. "You don't miss being in the courtroom at all?"

"I…" she began and then trailed off.

"The truth, Johanna."

"I miss it once in awhile but I haven't been in the courtroom in over a decade; I can't go back to it now; not even if I shunned the criminal sector of the law and just focused on family law. It wouldn't work out."

"Why not? I think you'd do very well working in family law; you have the compassion to make sure a child's interests are taken care of no matter the circumstances. You've handled family law before."

"I've handled a lot of different areas of the law," Johanna remarked. "But that doesn't mean I can go back to it; I can't. It's too late; it's been too long and I'm not going to put that worry on Jim's shoulders."

"But if you shunned the criminal aspects of the law; would there really be any worry to be had?"

"You never know in this day and age, Sarah."

"But you do miss it?"

She sighed. "Sometimes I miss the work; just like sometimes I miss having a baby around but I'm not going to go adopt one…I have nieces and nephews who have babies who are more than happy to let me borrow them for a few hours to satisfy that maternal urge."

"We're not talking about maternal urges; we're talking about your career. You miss the work like Elizabeth said; you miss the focus it brought you. I think that sometimes you wish you could be involved with the work Jim is doing so that you could have a taste of law work again."

She shrugged. "It interests me…it's probably less stressful than having to do all the work and present the case yourself. He enjoys the behind the scenes stuff; it's enough for him. It keeps him busy, it keeps him in his field and he can pick and choose. He doesn't miss the courtroom; he's satisfied."

"Could you be satisfied doing that work?"

"I don't know; I don't think about it and he doesn't really involve me in it. I mean he rants when he needs to and he gives me the basics about whatever project he's working on…but he doesn't ask for my assistance or anything."

"Do you wish he would?"

Johanna said nothing but her gaze remained on Sarah's face. "Ah, you do wish he'd ask once in awhile," her grandmother said knowingly. "I thought so. Why don't you just mention it to him?"

"He wants me to stay out of the law unless it's teaching. I told him once that I could go to work with him and he told me it's best for me to stay retired."

"But after your run in with the media when you had a panic attack, he offered to take you to the office with him…you turned him down."

"I know; I needed that day for myself so I could try to pull myself back together."

"What else?"

"I didn't think he'd really want me there…and I wasn't sure if his colleagues would want me there either."

"Perhaps you could find a middle ground; maybe you could ask him if you could help him with the work he brings home. It would keep you out of the public eye so to speak until you're ready and it would also give you that focus you need. Maybe it would also help ease Jim's fears about you doing some work in the legal field."

"I don't know…"

"It can't hurt to talk about it, can it? You could ask him…if you're helping at home, he wouldn't even have to mention it to his colleagues if he didn't want to. I'm sure there are things you could look over; suggestions you could make; things you could organize. I believe the two of you always liked working together before; it might be good for both of you."

She exhaled a breath, a small spark of interest taking root within her. "I guess I could bring it up…I did send him to work in a good mood; hopefully it'll last all day and he'll be in a good mood when he comes home…it's always easier when he hasn't had a bad day."

"That's understandable. I'm sure if you just talk about it calmly and with interest, he'll come around. It would give you something to do."

"You say that like I have nothing to do now," Johanna remarked. "I have a house to tend to, meals to cook, laundry to do and all that other stuff that fills in the job description of being a wife."

"I know, dear; but you need to have something to focus your mind on other than housework. Maybe you should take the advice of Katie's young man and do some writing."

She laughed. "I don't know what I'd write about; I've never done that outside of a classroom."

"That doesn't mean you can't," Sarah replied. "I kept diaries as you know; you could do what he suggested; just write about what comes to mind, like your mother or a favorite memory. It could be good for you."

"I'll think about it."

"You're humoring me," her grandmother replied.

Johanna shrugged. "That's part of the grandmother-granddaughter relationship."

"Do you feel better about your visitations now?" Sarah asked; returning to their original topic.

"I guess so; I mean no harm has come from it…other than a little emotional distress but I live with that every day of my life so it's nothing new. Does this mean my visits aren't over?"

"You still have some people to see, dear."

"I suppose I'd be wasting my breath by asking whose next?"

Sarah smiled. "You know I can't tell you that."

"One of these days you're going to give in and tell me."

She shook her head. "Nope; that isn't going to happen."

Johanna shifted in her seat. "Is my father coming at all?"

Sarah eyed her. "Do you want him to come?"

"I don't care if he comes or not; I'd just like to know in advance."

"I think you do care; that's why it keeps weighing on your mind."

"I just want to know," Johanna stated. "I don't figure he'll come…it's not his style."

"You don't think so?"

"No; he won't want to pop in on me; he probably figures I'm a lost cause…he probably isn't wrong. I won't be offended if he doesn't come; it's not like I'm holding out hope, because I'm not. I'd just like to be prepared if he does come."

"Prepared in what way?" her grandmother asked.

"Just prepared to face whatever might come…prepared for his opinions."

"You assume they'll be bad," Sarah remarked.

"Well I haven't had much experience with them being good so…."

"What if you're wrong?" her grandmother asked.

"I don't really see that happening," Johanna replied. "I know what he'll say; he'll say I should've been smarter; that if I had done something differently somewhere along the line I wouldn't have ended up in this mess. He'll tell me how stupid I was to get involved with that case…Pulgotti was a member of the mob; I should've turned my back like everyone else."

"Do you really believe that you should've turned him away like all the others had?"

"Obviously," she stated. "All the other lawyers he wrote to haven't had to interrupt their lives and go into hiding. I had to do it…I don't know why but I did. I'm sure he's committed any number of crimes; I shouldn't have turned a blind eye to that."

"But he didn't commit the crime he was accused of," Sarah remarked.

"I know…but it could've been someone else's problem. It could've stayed his problem."

"Johanna; you know that you answered that letter despite his past, despite his ties, because you didn't want to see an innocent man rot away in a prison for a crime he didn't commit. I was around when you visited him in prison. When you looked at him, you didn't see some terrible person who belonged to the mob; you saw a person who had been wronged. You something good in him; he was kind to you; you even spoke of Katie to him and he spoke of his son to you. You saw the side of him that had the potential to take his second chance and be a better man."

She swallowed hard. "That's all true; but if I had known then what I know now; I wouldn't have been so soft hearted. I would've tossed that letter in the trash."

"No, you wouldn't; if you could go back knowing everything you know right now; you'd still take that case, Johanna. You'd take it and the information you knew and you'd find a different way to solve the problem since you held the key of this knowledge. You wouldn't turn your back; you'd feel the need to take down the nemesis who has upended your life."

"But I can't go back and do it differently; I'm stuck with this version," Johanna remarked.

"That's true…which is why your mother told you that you need to make your peace with it."

"I'm doing the best I can; why don't any of you believe it?" she asked tartly.

"Oh we believe that you think you're doing the best you can; but we know you're not; you can make better efforts. But we've gotten off topic yet again; we were discussing your father."

"None of these topics are too appealing," Johanna told her. "I think I'd rather go back to counting down the minutes until my husband comes home."

"You may as well have something to do while you wait; you have several hours to go," Sarah replied. "Now; about your father…"

"We've discussed him before."

"That doesn't mean we can't discuss him again; besides; you have the time and so do I."

Johanna leaned back in her chair and regarded the spirit perched on the piano bench. "Does all this talk about him mean he's coming?"

"All this talk is about helping you make your peace with him."

"I've made my peace with him."

Sarah laughed softly. "That's what you tell yourself but really, darling, you haven't."

Her eyes narrowed slightly. "It's hard to make your peace with someone who isn't here anymore. It's not like I can sit down and talk to him about it. It's not like I can apologize or change anything. I forgive him; I've said as much. His reasons were horrible but they were his reasons to have and at least I know the truth. I made my peace in the best way I can. There's nothing more to be done."

"I'm not so sure about that," her grandmother replied. "Why would you need to apologize to him?"

She shrugged a shoulder as she picked at her fingernail, her gaze studiously avoiding Sarah's. "I guess I need to apologize for the times I said I hated him…for feeling like I hated him…for being a thorn in his side. If I had known his reasons for his distaste of me, I would've tried to find some way to make it easier on him. I could've dyed my hair; I could've bit my tongue more often. I could've stayed away from him as much as possible when I was old enough to do so."

"Oh, Josie," Sarah said softly; her gaze trained upon her granddaughter's face. "He didn't want you to stay away. He missed you during the times when you did pull away. He loves you. He wouldn't want you to take the words in his letters as a way of taking the blame upon yourself. He accepts the blame for the way things were. It wasn't your fault."

"I know that!" she exclaimed. "But still; I would've tried to do something to make it better."

"There was nothing to do; don't you think you did try in some ways?" Sarah asked.

"Maybe it wasn't enough. I felt his distaste for me; it made me angry…as much as he fought against me, I fought against him. He didn't love me so I stopped loving him."

Sarah smiled softly; her tone gentle as she spoke. "No, you didn't, Johanna. You never stopped loving him; you might've told yourself that you did, but you didn't. You always loved him…that's why it hurt so much."

"And yet despite knowing my inner turmoil, you still won't tell me what to expect in that area; right?" she asked.

"You know I can't, dear. All I can tell you is that if he should come; don't be afraid; he's your father, and despite it all, he loves you…and with the truth now in your hands; he'd be free to share things with you."

"Maybe it's best to leave things the way they are," Johanna remarked. "Having a taste of what might have been; if that's even possible; would only make everything feel so much worse and I don't need that. I hope he doesn't come."

"You don't mean that," Sarah declared. "You're just trying to convince yourself that you don't care, that you don't want him to come; because you don't want to be disappointed if he doesn't arrive."

"I won't be disappointed."

"Don't lie to me," Sarah replied. "I'm your grandmother; I know how your mind works. I know what goes on in there. You want him to be on the guest list; you want to see him, but you're afraid of what seeing him might bring so you tell yourself that you don't want it, that you don't care and you won't feel hurt or disappointed if he doesn't come."

Johanna shifted in her seat. "I guess we'll just have to wait and see what happens. I don't think he'll come and you won't say one way or another so talking about it doesn't really accomplish anything, does it?"

"It makes you uncomfortable…it makes you antsy. You don't like to dig in that box too much."

"No, I don't," she said, her tone taking on a hint of an edge. "There's no reason to dig into it; it isn't going to change anything."

"It's alright, you know," Sarah said softly.

"What's alright?"

"To be conflicted about your feelings for him. You love him but a part of you doesn't want to…it doesn't want to feel those feelings when you feel like they were rarely returned. You want to hate him, you want to have the ability not to care but you're not built that way, darling. You're always going to care; you can't turn that side of you off. Just like you're always going to care about the people who've turned their backs on you, you're going to care what people think of you and what they say. You don't like it, but it'll be there; you just have to learn to deal with those feelings. I know your father is a sore spot for you despite the forgiveness you claim to have given him. Two letters don't make it all go away."

"Can we make this conversation go away?" Johanna asked.

"Don't go getting upset," Sarah chastened. "There's nothing wrong with this topic of conversation."

"Except the fact that I don't want to have it."

"I'm willing to overlook that," her grandmother remarked.

"I'm not."

"Well as long as one of us is reasonable, we'll continue. You know, you may not be the only one with mixed feelings. Your father loves you but he knows how easily upset you become when he's brought up as a topic of conversation. He feels badly about causing you so much pain and anxiety. If he is one of your visitors, and I'm not saying he is, it might be just as hard for him as it is for you. He'd have to face you now knowing that you know the truth and that the reasons were bad. Don't you think that would be difficult for him?"

She shrugged. "He always had that McKenzie arrogance; I'm sure he'd make it through just fine and if need be, find a way to blame someone else. That always makes things easier on him. But if you're talking about it being difficult for him to face me then I feel certain that he isn't coming and I'll be able to put it from my mind."

Sarah shook her head. "Stubborn girl," she muttered. "Just like your father."

Johanna pinned her with a look. "Do I insult you?"

"No and I wasn't insulting you either. You are just like your daddy."

She rolled her eyes. "So much for my peaceful, relaxing morning. That'll teach me to call upon you."

"Oh hush; you're fine. You haven't talked to Katie in a few days…"

"I'm aware of that."

"Why haven't you talked to her?"

"Because I'm tired of always having to be the one to pick up the phone. If she wants to talk to me, she knows my number."

A smile touched Sarah's lips. "So maybe you are taking your mother's advice in a small way."

"I don't know about that. I hadn't talked to her in about two days before you came along for the first time. I'm sure I'll give in eventually just because of my compulsive need to know that she's fine."

"Perhaps you should let her give in to her compulsive need to know you're fine."

"I don't think she has one. She's gotten over her need to know…she only ever had it in the first place because I ended up being part of her job description."

"Now you know that isn't true," Sarah replied. "She never looked at you as a job."

"Well, whatever the case may be; she hasn't called and I haven't called her and I'm doing my best to be okay with that."

"And yet you're already talking about how you'll probably give in."

Johanna sighed. "You know, I'm not really into this thing of other people telling me how to handle my daughter. I gave birth to her; I think I know what I'm doing."

"No one has said that you don't know what you're doing; what's been said is that you need to stand your ground and let her find her way to you; not you running after her, saying 'here I am'. Perhaps your mother-in-law is right; maybe Katie does have her roles reversed. I believe she's gotten that way from the time you were under her care; although I admit, you did try to keep her in check on that; you did keep reminding her that _you_ were the mother and _she_ was the daughter. You have to keep subtly reminding her of that."

"Okay; I'll do that."

Sarah laughed. "Darling, your tactics of humoring someone are so obvious. You always say the same thing."

"That's because I'm hoping people will get the hint," she replied. "Clearly it doesn't work."

"Obviously not," Sarah replied; her eyes gleaming in amusement. "Because I'm not going anywhere and I don't drop topics easily."

"Wonderful," Johanna replied somewhat sarcastically. This would teach her to call in a ghost for a morning conference.

* * *

The backdoor opened and Jim stepped inside as Johanna checked on the ham slices she was keeping warm on the stove. He locked the door and sat down his briefcase before making his way to her; sliding his hands around her waist and turning her toward him. A soft smile slid across her lips as she looped her arms around his neck, settling into his embrace. "Welcome home," she murmured.

He dipped his head to capture her lips in a kiss. "I missed you," he told her, his hold tightening on her as his lips grazed the line of her jaw.

"I missed you too."

"I thought about you all day," he said, his tone low and loving, catching her lips in a searing kiss.

She gave a soft laugh; apparently he was still hoping for a repeat of the night before. "I thought you always thought about me all day," she couldn't help but tease.

"I do," Jim confirmed. "But even more so today…"

She gave him a knowing look. "There's a certain hopeful sentimental attached to those thoughts."

He grinned as he gave her hip a gentle squeeze. "There's nothing wrong with hopeful sentiments…sometimes they become dreams that came true."

Johanna kissed him; her eyes gleaming with love and amusement. "Dinner first."

"You're such a stickler for that rule, sweetheart."

She laughed quietly. "I can't have you thinking I'm easy."

"What if I said I didn't mind?" he teased.

"I already know you wouldn't mind and the rule still applies," she told him before giving him one more kiss and then gentling pushing him back. "Dinner is ready; I better get it on the plates."

"What are we having?"

"Ham and baked potatoes."

"Sounds good," he replied as he moved to the sink to wash his hands.

Johanna put dinner on the table and poured him a cup of coffee before sitting down to join him. "How was work today?" she asked.

"It was fine; I have a lot of files to go over though."

She tried to squash the hopeful spark that sprang to life within her. Why did her ghostly visitors have to put it in her head that it might be nice to share in his work…that it might be nice to do something in her field once again? She didn't want to have the urge. She wanted to leave it in the past…and yet she knew that every time she saw Jim sit down at his desk to dive into casework that there was a little part of her that was jealous. She couldn't help but think that the work would be a good focus for her mind but she wasn't sure Jim would agree.

"A lot?" she repeated.

Jim nodded as he took a bite of the ham on his plate. "It's a big case; class action lawsuit, there's a lot of work to be done. I didn't think it was going to be as big as it is…I'm going to be working a lot this month, I hope you don't mind."

She shook her head. "Of course not, honey. I'm used to you working."

"But I was with you a lot over the summer."

"I know; and while I'm glad you were there as much as possible, I know you turned down a lot of work and I felt bad about that."

"I didn't; and besides; the people who asked understood when I said I had to take some time off to tend to family matters. They all know now that I was spending that time with you and they understand it even more…and I've done work for them since then. This case is Zach's, as you know. He's trying not to be on edge about it, but you know how that goes."

"Yeah; I remember. I'm surprised Zach hasn't gotten in the semi-retired line with you and Jeff."

"He's never going to retire; not with two kids still in school."

"That's true; they're young, he still has college tuitions to think of."

"Yeah; and it's even more expensive now than when Katie was in college. I'm so glad we only had one."

"You've mentioned that several times," she replied with a laugh.

Jim gave her a grin. "See, I'm an easy man to please; you feed me, you take care of me, you give me a nice house and you only gave me one baby; you're the perfect wife."

"I wouldn't say perfect."

"You are to me," he said warmly.

An amused smirk touched her lips. "You're just trying to get me upstairs."

"Always; but I meant it anyway. How was your day?"

Johanna smiled wryly; a part of her wishing she could say 'Oh, I had another visit from my grandmother's ghost; she stopped by to enforce the stuff your mother's ghost filled my head with yesterday'. She swallowed the urge however and gave him a simple answer as she tried to gather the courage to ask to help him with his work. "Oh it was my usual day; housework, talk shows and Temptation Lane."

"Did they manage to piss you off today?" he asked lightly.

"No but the previews for tomorrow looks like it has the potential to piss me off."

He gave a short laugh. "Good, I enjoy watching you in the kitchen after one of your shows has riled you."

"Remember that one day when you laugh and I throw something at you."

"Sounds exciting," he teased. "And don't worry; I have faith in my ability to duck."

"We're going to test that theory one day," she replied; her foot rubbing against his leg.

"But not today; you're feeling far too affectionate for anything like that."

"You sure about that?" she asked.

Jim nodded. "Positive. Did you talk to Katie today?"

"No," Johanna answered as she picked up a bite of her baked potato. "Did you?"

"No; but I thought maybe you would have."

"Why? Is there something wrong?"

"No; I'm sure she's fine; I'm just surprised you haven't given in to the urge yet. It's been a few days."

"I know."

"I know it's probably bugging you."

"Only when I think about it," she said pointedly.

Jim's eyes met hers; getting the message she was trying to send. "Right; moving on. What else did you do today?"

"Nothing; I just did the usual. I didn't talk to anyone, I didn't buy anything online."

"I guess that's why I didn't get any alerts on my phone about the credit card being used."

She smiled "You can thank me later."

"Oh good; things are still looking promising; I was afraid I had diminished my chances with certain topics."

"Nope; you can hang on to your thread of hope…I did miss you today after all…I've been looking forward to when you'd get home."

He reached for her hand and gave it a quick squeeze. "I tried to stay home with you but you made me go to work."

"Because Zach's depending on you."

"I could've been an hour or two late."

"Maybe some other time," she told him; a warm smile remaining on her lips. "I'm just glad you're home now."

"I hate leaving you alone so much," he confessed. "I know you probably get bored."

Johanna shook her head. "I always find something to do; don't worry about that. Believe me; I'm just happy to be at home."

"I know you are; but you were working up until you came home back in May; and while you were staying with Katie she was in and out checking on things and so were the boys; and I was there nearly every day. I wouldn't say you had a lot of alone time."

"There's nothing wrong with alone time."

"No; there's nothing wrong with having it sometimes but probably after awhile it gets to you…maybe that's why you think so much as you mentioned last night. You don't have a lot occupying you at the moment."

That was the perfect opening to broach the topic, Johanna thought to herself as picked up her knife to cut the slice of ham on her plate. But she wasn't quite sure that she should bring it up…what if it rocked the boat? What if it popped the bubble they had managed to get into after their talk last night? One serious discussion a week should probably be the limit.

"I just need to read more," she commented. "That'll shut up my brain. I read a lot over the summer to cover the silences with Katie and then when I got to come home I pulled back a little bit, wanting to savor my books but maybe I need to speed up again. Of course I also have that family tree research I've been doing online; that occupies me. I don't over think every day."

"I know; I just don't want you to dwell on things you don't need to."

"I'll try not to," she promised. "I'm fine; really…I don't get bored."

Jim's phone began to blare music from its place on the table where he had laid it down earlier. "Damn," he muttered as he reached for it to turn off the music. "It didn't do that at all yesterday and now it's starting again. I thought maybe it had fixed itself."

Johanna tried to keep from tapping her foot against the floor; she knew that Sarah had said she wasn't finished playing with Jim but she had a feeling that this occasion was a message to her telling her that she was in the room and well aware of the fact that she was chickening out of the conversation she probably should've started when the door opened to her daily habits.

"Maybe that ghost isn't finished playing with you yet," she suggested; trying to keep her voice devoid of nervous laughter.

"I guess not," her husband replied. "Maybe it really is a ghost."

She nodded. "I'd be willing to bet on it."

Jim looked at her oddly. "Why is that? Have you seen one lurking around?"

Several, she thought to herself but she couldn't mention that. "Well you know my paperweight is moved every day…so I just assume one is hanging around. I'm sure she's harmless."

"She?" Jim questioned as he continued to regard her. "How do you know it's a woman?"

Johanna picked up her cup of tea and took a long sip while mentally berating herself for allowing that to slip. "Just a feeling," she replied as she sat her cup down.

"And who does she belong to, me or you?"

Nervous laughter bubbled from her lips. "Oh I have a feeling she's mine."

"That would figure."

His phone went off again and he glanced at his wife before silencing it. "Is it your mother?"

She shook her head. "I don't think it's mom's style."

Jim continued to eye her. "You were talking about ghosts the other day…are you sure you haven't seen something?"

"I told you, I was watching a show on TV."

"It's awful funny that these mysterious things have been happening ever since you've watched that show."

"What mysterious things?" she asked.

"The phone playing music at random times; my pen going missing and then being found on the bookcase; your paperweight always being moved, your loss of sleep and your occasional topics about ghosts and your interest in whether I still believe."

"You said you do."

"I do; but you see a trend here, don't you? All of these things started happening at the same time."

Johanna shrugged. "Well, a ghost could be causing mischief."

"A female ghost…one of your relatives."

"That's the feeling I get," Johanna said as she shifted uncomfortably in her seat.

Jim had a feeling that his wife was keeping something from him in the realm of ghostly experiences. If she had seen a ghost or had any type of encounter with one, she could tell him; he wouldn't think she was crazy as she probably feared. She wouldn't be the first person to say they'd seen a ghost; his grandmother Lilly had often claimed to see his grandfather sitting in his favorite chair in the living room of their home. He never doubted her…especially when the scent of his grandfather's cologne could often be detected in the air of the house.

His phone began to play again, breaking into his thoughts and drawing his gaze back to his wife's face as she studiously kept her eyes upon her plate. "Which one of us is your friend mad at?" he asked her as he silenced the phone once again.

A nervous smile played on her lips. "Maybe she just likes you."

"Maybe she does," he replied; "But she doesn't usually do this in such a repetitious manner…seems like if a ghost is to blame, she's trying to send a message to someone."

Johanna's foot tapped against the floor. "Maybe she just feels like dancing or something. I'm sure if we ignore it that it'll stop."

His brow raised but he gave a slight nod. "Okay; we'll give that a try. What were we talking about?"

"Nothing important; just my daily habits but I think we were finished with that, weren't we?" she asked, her gaze flicking toward him; but her gaze caught on the figure standing behind him and her fork slipped from her fingers and clattered against the plate. Sarah McKenzie stood there in her green silk dress, her arms crossed and her gaze somewhat steely as she eyed her; silently chastening her for not broaching the conversation that she should've when the opportunity arose.

"What's wrong, Jo?" Jim asked; noting that his wife's face had paled and that she seemed to be staring at something behind him.

She shook off her surprise and picked up her fork as her grandmother vanished. "Nothing; I…I thought I saw something move outside."

Jim rose from the table and went to the backdoor, pulling back the thin white curtain to look outside. The air of the room turned chilly around her and Jo shivered as she felt Sarah's presence at her back. "Do it," her grandmother whispered firmly.

"There's nothing out there, Jo," Jim remarked as he made his way back to the table. "There's a few birds in the yard pecking at those bread crumbs you threw out this morning, maybe you saw one of them fly past the window.

"That's probably what it was," she replied. "I'm sorry; you know I get paranoid."

He moved to her side and brushed a kiss against her temple before returning to his seat. "No need to be sorry; I'd rather look and have it be nothing than not look and it turn out to be something."

"True; I guess I just get…spooked…for lack of better words."

Jim smiled. "Let's shelve the ghost talk for now. Has the heat been working today, Jo; it feels kind of cold in here all of a sudden."

She nodded; knowing that the chill was coming from Sarah's presence…and the woman was still standing behind her, she could feel her, she could smell her Chanel No.5 and she did her best not to shiver. "It probably just feels a little chillier in here right now because the kitchen was warm from cooking and now the stove and oven have cooled down."

"That could be it," he said with a nod; "But if you think something's wrong with the furnace, let me know so I can check it."

"I will," she promised.

"Now; we were talking about your day," Jim stated.

"I thought we had moved on from that?" she replied; yelping slightly as she felt a flick at the back of her head.

"Are you okay?" he asked.

"Yeah; I bit the inside of my lip on accident, that's all."

"Liar," Sarah whispered. "Do it."

Johanna wished she could swat the spirit behind her, and if her husband wasn't sitting at the table with her, she'd try, so instead she chose to ignore Sarah as best she could, although she could feel her slender cold fingers gripping the back of her chair now.

"Now; we were talking about how you spend your days and how you probably get bored," Jim said, buying her explanation.

"I'm not bored," she said, but then a finger poked her in the back. "Once in awhile I get a little bored…but not often."

"Maybe I should stay home with you more."

She shook her head. "There's no need; you enjoy the work and I want you to do what you enjoy. I'm sure I can pick up a few hobbies."

Another sharp poke in her back almost made her yelp but she caught herself in time. "Did you have something in mind for me to do?" she asked hopefully; thinking maybe he could spare her from asking.

Jim gave her a sympathetic smile. "No, sweetheart; not that I know of. Why don't you ask Rick if he has more things for his book that you could look over; you seemed to enjoy that."

"I did enjoy it but I doubt that Rick wants me proofreading all of his work; he has people for that."

Jim shrugged. "You said he liked the opinions you gave him."

"He did; and while I wouldn't mind doing that again if he asked, it wasn't exactly what I had in mind."

Jim looked up from his dinner. "You have something in mind?"

Her courage faltered and she licked her lips nervously. "Go on," Sarah whispered. "Just spit it out; it'll be fine."

"I, uh…I thought…"

"You thought what?"

She licked her lips once more, her stomach full of butterflies. "I thought maybe I could…help you with your work."

Jim was quiet for a moment, waiting for her laugh and say 'just kidding' but when she didn't and she continued to look at him nervously, he smiled. "You don't want to do that, sweetheart; besides, I can handle it."

Her heart fell; one of Sarah's hands moving to her shoulder and giving it a soft squeeze. "Don't give up, darling," she murmured. "Keep at him."

"I know you can handle the work," she said slowly; "But you did say there was a lot…so why can't I help? I know what I'm doing, I have a law degree."

"I know you do; but you don't know the details of the case or what I'm looking for."

"And you can't fill me in?"

"Jo," he sighed. "I wasn't suggesting you go back to work; I thought maybe you could find a hobby or take a class online or something."

"Take a class?" she asked. "For what? I already did my time in school."

"That doesn't mean you can't take something that interests you or something that maybe you always wished you could take a class for. You could brush up on your Italian."

Her eyes narrowed, fire licking her veins. "I know plenty of Italian…words you can't even begin to imagine."

"I believe I heard some of them while you were in labor," he remarked. "I thought a class could be fun for you; you like to learn new things."

"I don't want to take a class," she said firmly. "What's wrong with the idea I had?"

Jim shifted in his chair. "Johanna,…"

"Here we go," she said; "It's always 'Johanna' when you mean business."

"Well it is your name, isn't it?" he asked tartly, not realizing the sting the remark would carry given her recent circumstances.

Johanna swallowed hard; feeling the hand at her shoulder tighten, Sarah's presence remaining near. "Yes; it's my name…but you always call me Jo unless there are special circumstances…like you not liking something."

"It's not like that; it's just that I don't need any help."

"You said you have a lot of files to go through; why can't I go through some for you?"

"Because we have all the people we need on this case."

"You don't have to tell anyone I'm helping you at home," she retorted.

"Johanna; you don't need to be involved in this line of work; you've paid your dues to the legal profession."

"Jim; no harm could come from me looking over files and making notes of whatever you need me to find. If something comes up that would need discussed with someone whose a part of this case; you'd handle that, not me."

"No."

"Jim; be reasonable," she sighed. "Why can't I help you? It could just be between us. You're so worried about me having things to do and yet when I ask you for something, you tell me no."

"I want you to have things to do, but not my job!" he exclaimed. "It's my work and I'll do it."

"You say that like I was trying to take something from you," Johanna remarked. "I wasn't trying to take over your job; I was asking to assist; to do whatever you assigned me. It would make the work go faster and you know you can trust me to do it right."

He blew out a breath. "Johanna; do you realize how long it's been since you've worked on a case?"

"I'm well aware of how long it's been," she said sharply. "What does that have to do with the price of tea in China?"

"You're out of practice."

She smirked at him; anger welling up within her. "That's not what you were saying last night."

Jim leaned back in his chair and bit back a wry smile. "That's not what I meant and you know it. You haven't been involved in a case in a very long time."

"Oh and so much has changed; right?" she asked sarcastically. "Because it isn't like I had to stay up to date to teach my students…my _law_ students that is. Do you think I just used some 1990s hand me down text books to teach? I'm probably more up to date about tactics and evidence gathering than you are!"

"I doubt that," he retorted; "And lets not get carried away."

"Too late," she said caustically.

"Johanna; we agreed; you're retired from the law."

"I didn't know I was asking to take a case before the jury. All I asked was to help you with your work; just a little busy work to occupy and hour or two of my day; work that you would be free to look over and make sure it meets your satisfaction; work done with your knowledge and basic supervision. What's so wrong with that?"

"You're not a lawyer anymore, Johanna."

Her gaze remained pinned on him. "I have a degree; I'm a lawyer…you even tell me to think like a lawyer when I get upset, so don't you sit there and tell me I'm not one because I will always be one; that's a part of who I am and you can't change that."

"I didn't say I was trying to," he said tersely. "I said you're not a lawyer anymore because in the eyes of the state of New York, you're not. You haven't renewed your registration."

"That's easily remedied," she shot back.

"I said no," Jim stated firmly. "You're done with the law, Johanna. You said so yourself and you're going to stick to it."

"I don't think I need to be registered to help you look through files," Johanna told him.

"I don't need your help. If you want something to do that badly; find a class or a book to teach you something."

"Like what? Knitting? You want me to just settle down and start knitting like some old woman? Well let me tell you something, Jim Beckett; that day will never come. I will not be pushed into getting old before my time!"

"I'm not pushing you into getting old before your time!" he yelled back. "If that was the case, we wouldn't have a sex life."

"Chances are looking good that you're not going to have one for awhile after this meal," she shot back.

"Like I didn't see that coming," he replied. "I'm well versed in your form of punishment; it's called 'stay on your own side of the bed and don't touch me or I sleep downstairs'. We've been there and done that more times than I care to remember."

Johanna's chin raised an inch, an arrogant gesture that reminded him of Frank McKenzie. "It's a very effective form of punishment."

"Use it all you want; you're not getting involved with any legal work, I don't care how small or unimportant. Find something else."

She crossed her arms over her chest, not realizing that she was mirroring the same stance that Sarah had held earlier. "You're really telling me no? You're really sitting there saying that you don't think I'm good enough to look through some files and make notes for you."

"I didn't say you weren't good enough."

"You said I'm out of practice."

Jim nodded. "You are; it's been nearly fourteen years since you did any case work; and I don't care what you had to keep up with in order to teach; the fact remains that your skills haven't been used in over a decade…and they may have deteriorated."

She felt the tears stinging her eyes but she refused to let them fall despite the tightness in her throat. "You know, I thought the worst thing you could ever say to me was the day you looked me in the face in Katie's kitchen and said that you regretted marrying me…and really that is the worst thing you ever said to me; but this…that I'm not good enough, that you don't have enough faith in my ability to keep my mind and skills sharp in this area; that hurts almost as much. You keep your work, Jim. I don't want any part of it; I didn't realize I was sitting in the presence of the greatest legal mind since Perry Mason! God knows I wouldn't want to upstage you by finding something you might miss."

Jim dropped his fork. "What the hell is that supposed to mean?"

"It means the small details were always my forte, not yours…you sometimes have a habit of overlooking those…or don't you recall that? Don't you recall the times when I've had to find them for you?"

His eyes narrowed. "Don't act like I've never straightened out a wrinkle in one of your cases, Miss McKenzie," he said tartly.

"Oh, demoted to the maiden name," Johanna said smugly. "I'm just shaking in my heels now. Does that mean you've changed your mind about that regret?"

"You know I don't regret marrying you!" he yelled. "I explained that and we got past it so don't you throw that in my face; that's playing dirty, Johanna."

"Like you're not playing dirty by playing the 'you're out of practice' card just so you can keep me under your thumb and tell me what to do?"

"I am your husband," he said sternly.

"I'm aware of that; I was at the wedding, I was the one in the white dress."

"I am your husband," he said again, ignoring her sarcasm laced comment; "And I'm the head of this household; what I say, goes. Maybe if I had put my foot down years ago I could've spared you a lot of trouble, because if I had known you were even thinking about working on the case of a mob member, I would've found a way to keep you from doing it. I would've never allowed it if I had known before you got into it."

"Maybe if you had been listening to me, you would've known I was taking the case. I tried to tell you, Jim; I tried to talk to you about that letter I got but you were too wrapped up in your multi-million dollar class action lawsuit to listen to anything I had to say about my cases, which clearly in your opinion were paling in comparison to yours at that time. I didn't deliberately keep it from you; you just weren't listening!"

The comment was like a slap across his face. Maybe she had tried to tell him…maybe he hadn't been listening. He had been wrapped up in his own cases during the timeframe of her getting involved in Pulgotti's case. He had felt like he had made time for her back then even though his schedule had been busy; they had their date nights and their usual every day meals together; time together in the evening…but when talk turned to work, he could well remember dominating the conversation with talk of that huge case he was working and the smaller ones that were also worth a pretty penny.

"I'm sorry," he said quietly. "Maybe you're right; maybe I wasn't listening back then."

Johanna swallowed hard. "I didn't tell you that now to make you feel badly; I never intended to tell you that you just weren't listening when I first started working on it. I don't want you to take any of that on your shoulders and start blaming yourself because it's not your fault, it's mine. I'm sorry I even mentioned it."

He shook his head. "It's okay that you did; you don't have to put on rose colored glasses and pretend that it didn't happen. Sometimes I ignore things I shouldn't. I'm sorry I didn't listen back then, I wish I would have. There's always been a part of me that's blamed myself for what happened, Johanna; I can't change that anymore than you can change the way you feel about it but I know how to deal with it. I don't dwell on it because I can't change it; all I can do is be thankful that you were spared so you could come home when the time was right. Now I think we should stop this conversation before we start hurting each other's feelings in the pursuit of winning…because neither one of us wins when we start doing that."

A soft scoff crossed her lips and she wished for a moment that she could turn and bury herself in the embrace of her ghostly grandmother who remained quietly at her back. "My feelings were hurt as soon as you told me that you didn't require my assistance and that I'm no longer capable of the job."

"I'm sorry; I didn't mean to hurt you," he murmured.

"It's fine; don't worry about it," she said as she pushed back from the table and picked up her plate.

"Jo…"

"Finish your dinner, Jim; and then go do your work. Don't worry; I don't plan on bothering you. I'll take my laptop into the living room and start looking for a new hobby."

"Johanna, please don't be like this…we were in a good place, let's not backtrack here."

She scrapped the remains of her dinner into the trash can. "We're not backtracking; we said we could be honest with each other and now we have been…we won't be having a repeat of last night, but we'll be fine just the same. You know me; I just require a night to get over things. I'll be fine tomorrow."

"We'll find you something to do to keep you occupied," Jim stated. "I know another teaching job isn't viable right now with all the attention on you but maybe when things settle down, you can find a part time position at one of the universities."

Johanna began to stack the dishes, hating herself for bringing up the topic and hating the spirits who put it in her head. She noticed that Sarah had vanished and she was glad. "I'm sorry I brought it up," she admitted. "Really I'm not interested in finding a job at the moment. I'm happy to stay home. Winter is always a somewhat boring time…when spring comes I'll have my roses to tend to and maybe I can't plant some flowers in front of the house. I always wanted to do that."

"You can plant all the flowers you want."

"Maybe you could find a little patch out back somewhere where I could have a small garden; maybe grow some tomatoes and cucumbers, small things…"

"You could do that," he told her.

"I have plenty to do in the mean time. The attic could stand to be cleaned out and straightened up. I have a stack of books that haven't been read. I need to practice the piano more and I have my running to do on the treadmill. I have my family tree research and my usual housework. The holidays will be here soon; I have a lot to think about and plan. I have housework and laundry and grocery shopping. These windows need cleaned and the curtains washed…really I should probably look around online for some new curtains, these ones here in the kitchen have held up nicely but it might be nice to have something new."

"You can buy whatever you want," Jim said; his tone gentle; "But you're rambling, Jo…you're rattling off a list to prove that you're fine."

"I am fine. I might want a teaching position one day but not anytime soon…really I don't want to go back to work. Work was all I had for a long time and now that I'm home and I have you and Katie, I don't need it. I'm sorry I brought it up, I don't know what possessed me…now our evening is ruined."

He sighed and rose from the table, moving to the sink where she stood with her back to him. He turned her to face him and pulled her into his arms. "Nothing's ruined," he murmured as he held her tightly. "I'm sorry that I hurt your feelings, I never meant to…I just don't like the thought of you doing law work, even if it isn't anything that could get you into trouble; even if I'm hovering over your shoulder while you do it. It's just worrisome for me…I can't help it."

"It's okay, I understand. I've known it all along and yet I let that foolishness in my head. I won't mention it again. I'll look around and see if I can find some online class to take to fill some time during the winter. Come spring when I can get outside and plant my flowers, I'll have more to do."

Jim held her tightly; feeling like he'd made a serious error in his handling of the situation. "Do you want to go to a movie?" he asked; trying to find some way to smooth over this bump.

"No; not tonight, honey. It's cold out and by the time we'd get ready, we'd have to catch the showing at eight…and I'm still a little leery about being out late in the evening when it's dark. I know you're with me and it's probably silly but I worry about what could be lurking."

"It's not silly," he said as he pressed a kiss to her hair. "Maybe over the weekend we can go see a movie; one of the earlier showings."

She pulled back and managed a smile for him. "Sounds good…maybe we can go to our favorite Italian place for dinner?"

"Of course we can," he told her before kissing her. "Let's take Saturday and just make it a whole day for us, okay? And I don't care who might be taking our picture…we'll just ignore it and mind our own business."

She nodded. "I'm looking forward to it."

"Do you want me to help you with the dishes?"

"No, you go on; go do your work," she replied before giving him a quick kiss. "The kitchen is my domain; I don't need any help."

Jim gave her a half hearted smile at her attempt to bring humor back to the room. "You won't get any interference from me," he said before stealing another soft kiss. "I'll get another cup of coffee and I'll get out of your hair."

Johanna finished gathering up the dirty dishes while Jim got his coffee and then abandoned the kitchen for the safety of the office. She blew out a breath as she waited for the sink to fill and she knew the moment Sarah reappeared, even before the chill in the air registered. She glanced to her side and saw Sarah standing there, an apologetic look on her face.

"I'm sorry, darling; I didn't think it would go that badly," the spirit murmured.

"Well now you know," Johanna whispered. "And I'll thank you and the others not to meddle in my marriage anymore."

"We're not meddling; we're encouraging you to do what's best for you."

She scoffed. "Yeah; that little conversation was really good for me. I could've had a perfectly nice evening with my husband but thanks to your pushing, now it's going to be tense and strained. Thank you so much."

"Johanna; you didn't do anything wrong by asking and we didn't do anything wrong by encouraging you. Maybe you gave in a little too easily about this; he'll think you don't really want it."

"I don't care," she said as she dunked glasses into the soapy water. "I gave up because one of the first things they teach you in law school is to know your opponent. The more you push at him, the more ways he finds to dodge you. I told Elizabeth that he doesn't want me in that line of work; but apparently you didn't believe me. I don't know what possessed me to listen to you."

"You listened because it's what you wanted," Sarah said tersely. "Don't turn this on me. It may not have gone as easily as you would've liked, but if you kept at it, he probably would've given in, but you didn't. The second you thought you said something that might distress him, you started pulling back and retreating from the battle."

"Sometimes a tactical retreat is best."

"Only when you're taking the coward's way."

Johanna glared at her. "Leave me alone. I think I'm done with all of this visitation nonsense; it's not helping anything, it's just pushing me into more trouble I don't need."

Sarah shook her head. "We're not going to let you alone…you're not getting out of your visitations. We won't stop encouraging you to do what you should."

"I don't have to listen to you; I can do what I damn well please."

"Perhaps that's an attitude you should save for your husband."

Johanna's hands smacked the soapy water in aggravation. "Just stop; I don't want to hear anymore. I made enough trouble for tonight and I'm not looking for more."

Sarah pursed her lips as she eyed her. "You can pout all you want," Johanna told her. "It's not going to change anything."

Sarah said nothing and after a moment she vanished; disappearing in a whoosh of cold air. Johanna breathed deeply and released a heavy breath. She didn't need this aggravation in her life. She loved her grandmother and didn't want to offend her but she was meddling in an area that didn't need it and she wasn't going to send her marriage crashing down all because of a mischievous ghost who couldn't mind her own business. Sarah didn't know Jim the way she did; she knew when to pick her battles and this wasn't a battle she felt needed waged at the moment. Why couldn't everyone just let her sort out her own business?

She roughly washed a glass and in the distance, she heard Jim's phone blast loud music once again. Apparently Sarah hadn't completely left the building…but at least she was bothering Jim and not her.

* * *

By the time she and Jim settled into their bedroom for the evening, Johanna felt wrong in assumption that Sarah was only making a nuisance of herself to Jim by setting off his phone every ten minutes. They had both been the victims of her apparent ire. For some unfathomable reason, two of the glasses she had dried after washing the dishes had managed to fall over on the counter and roll off, crashing to the floor, sending glass shards flying everywhere. She had spent the better part of a half hour sweeping and vacuuming to make sure she had gotten every tiny sliver of glass off the floor. The lights had been flickering all evening. When she had gotten into the shower, the hot soothing water she had been standing under suddenly turned icy cold, making her cry out in surprise…leading her husband to barge into the room to see what was wrong. The same treatment had been bestowed upon him when he took his shower. When he had finished his evening routine, Jim had gone directly to the basement to check the hot water tank and the furnace too. He found nothing wrong with either one.

The remote had misbehaved when trying to operate the TV in the living room and as she laid on her side of the bed and watched Jim try to channel surf, she realized the problem had followed them upstairs. The files on his desk had fallen on the floor twice; her laptop had been unplugged, it's battery left uncharged and her paperweight was missing. Johanna frowned as she pressed her cheek into her pillow…apparently hell had no fury like an angry ghost.

Jim smacked the remote against his palm, trying in vain to get it to work but the channel remained stuck on some program about ghosts that he didn't think was a proper bedtime viewing experience…especially when it seemed like some angry spirit was occupying their home. Frustration made him get out of bed and he moved toward the flat screen television hanging on the wall, his fingers seeking out the smooth flat buttons at the bottom of the screen. He smiled as the channels began to turn; perhaps he had beaten it at its own game. He settled on an episode of Gunsmoke and made his way back to bed but before he could get there, the bedroom door flew open and slammed against the wall, making his wife flinch and jolt upright. He sighed and went to the door, pushing it close once more.

"I think your friend is mad at us, Jo," he said as his phone began to play on the nightstand.

"Seems like something is," she replied; thinking that apparently Sarah wasn't keeping her word about staying out of their bedroom once the door was closed, because clearly she was there. "Can you get me another blanket while you're up; I feel chilly."

Jim went to the closet and opened the door but before he could reach for the blanket on the top shelf, it fell out and landed at his feet. He picked it up and closed the door, heading back to the bed to tuck it around his wife. "What did we do to anger her?"

"I don't know; maybe she's just feeling sensitive."

As soon as the comment faded from her lips, her phone sprang to life on the nightstand, Cher's 'If I Could Turn Back Time' playing at full volume. The noise startled her and she reached for the phone to silence it and instead sent it tumbling to the floor, the music still playing. She suppressed a scream of frustration as she leaned out of the bed and grabbed her phone from the floor.

"Looks like she's after your phone now too," Jim declared while he settled back into his spot.

"Obviously," she said tersely; thinking that Sarah had no room to talk about her temper when she clearly had one of her own that either matched it or surpassed it.

"Should we apologize to our ghost?" he asked; only half joking…it did seem more and more likely that they had a spirit lurking about…and he had a feeling his wife knew more about her than she claimed.

"No; she'll get it over it."

The sound of Johanna's bottles of lotion falling over on the vanity sounded as soon as the comment left mouth.

"You sure about that?" Jim asked as he looked in the direction of her vanity and saw the three tubes of lotion laying down on the surface…the small cup of makeup brushes taken down with them, the smallest brush rolling to the floor.

"She's clearly having a temper tantrum," Johanna remarked. "We should just ignore it and she'll get tired of it."

"That didn't work with Katie when she was three and I have a feeling it isn't going to work now."

"Well I don't think you can give a ghost a swat across her backside to settle her down…although if you could, I'd be all for it. We'll just have to ride it out."

The bottles of her nail polish fell over on the vanity next and she squeezed her eyes shut, doing her best to ignore the disturbance that was filling the air with coolness and making mischief.

"I say we apologize and beg for forgiveness," Jim stated as the lights flickered.

"Go ahead if you want to," Johanna replied. "She's not scaring me."

"She's not scaring me either but I'd like to have some peace so I can go to sleep after the show is over," he said with a nod at the TV.

"Well then go ahead; see if it does any good."

"It might help if you seem apologetic too."

Johanna sighed. "I'm sorry for whatever I did to offend you, ghost. Please let us be now; Jim has to work in the morning."

"I'm sorry too," Jim added.

The bedroom door flew open, crashing into the wall once again. "I don't think she believes us," he said as he got out of bed to shut the door.

"Well then I guess we'll just have to bear it until she gets over it."

"I hope that's soon…I'm not sure what we did that might've pissed her off."

"Probably something that isn't any of her business anyway," Johanna stated.

Both phones began to play music; the alarm clock blaring as well; her bottle of perfume finding its way from the vanity to the carpet where it landed with a thud; the lights flickering, the TV flipping to a repeat of Matlock and the door slamming open again.

"Good God," Jim stated; "Quit being a smart ass to her, Johanna; you're pissing her off."

"She's pissing me off!" she exclaimed.

"Tell her you're sorry like you mean it," he replied. "This is crazy! Why is she here anyway? We never had a ghost problem before that I know of."

Johanna breathed in and exhaled slowly. "I'm sorry," she said sincerely, hoping Sarah was in the mood to listen. "I angered you…maybe we both did; we're sorry; please stop now…this isn't accomplishing anything. Please; just settle down and go home, okay? If you want to come back when you're feeling better, that's fine; but maybe we need some space tonight. No one intentionally set out to hurt your feelings."

The room began to warm; the lights remaining steady and the phones and clock going silent. Johanna sighed softly; she hadn't meant to offend her grandmother; really she hadn't…she was just hurt…angry…frustrated. "I'm sorry, Sarah," she thought to herself; hoping the woman was using that mind reading ability to hear the more personalized apology. "We'll talk about it tomorrow…if you come back."

A cool breeze swept through the warming room, the feel of a hand brushing over her hair, the gesture soothing, as if accepting the apology and then it was gone, along with the last whoosh of cool air. Johanna relaxed; Sarah was settled now, maybe they'd be able to have some peace.

"Maybe you should do some research about the topic of ghost whispering," Jim commented. "Or maybe we need to get that show and see if we can learn something."

"I'd rather not," she replied. "Maybe she's okay now."

"Hopefully," he said as he pulled his wife close and allowed her to snuggle into his side. He still felt like things were tense between them thanks to their dinner conversation and he wished he could rewind the clock and change the topic they had landed upon during their meal. "I love you, you know?" he asked quietly.

"I know," she said; her arm tightening around him. "I love you too."

"I'm sorry about earlier."

"I'm sorry too."

"I never meant to hurt you, Jo."

"I know; and if I hurt you, I didn't mean to."

"You didn't; you were just being your sassy self."

She leaned up and kissed him. "Let's just forget about what happened at dinner and put it behind us, okay?"

He nodded. "Okay."

Johanna gave him a soft smile. "Let's just watch our show and then get some sleep…things will look better in the morning."

Jim held her tighter. "I'm sure you're right, sweetheart."

* * *

Sometime before dawn, Jim found himself in that awkward position of dreaming and yet being completely aware of the fact. He hated dreams like that; he always tried to rail against them and break free of it, dragging himself to complete wakefulness but this time he couldn't escape the web. In his dream he was sitting at his desk, his stacks of files at hand. A woman appeared in front of him, clad in a green silk dress and her dark hair pulled back elegantly. At first glance he thought the woman was his wife. "Jo?" he said. "Are we going out?"

"I'm not Johanna," his visitor declared; her voice different from his wife's and yet carrying a familiar note all the same…something in the inflection of the way she said the word 'not'…it was a trait his wife had. She also had Johanna's green eyes and her chin. "Who are you?" he asked. "Why are you here?"

"Does it matter who I am?"

He shrugged. "I'm usually more inclined to listen when I know who I'm speaking to."

"My name is Sarah."

"Sarah?" he repeated.

"You're not doing her any favors," the woman stated; brushing off his questions about her identity.

"Who?"

"Johanna…you're not doing her any favors at all."

"What are you talking about?"

Sarah picked up a file on his desk. "She really didn't ask you anything unreasonable; she only wanted to help with your work. She needs the distraction."

He balked at being told how to handle his wife from some stranger…who admittedly bore a resemblance to her. "What business is it of yours?"

Her eyes narrowed, an icy glare pinned upon him. "She's always been my business; she's my family. All she wants is to feel like she's doing something; she misses her work. Her training shouldn't be going to waste; you have plenty of work here; you could share with her, it wouldn't hurt either one of you."

"I don't want her involved with legal work."

"Yes, I know; and I know why; but honestly, Jim; there's no harm to be found in these folders," she remarked as she threw done the one she had been holding. "No one would even have to know she's helping; you wouldn't have to tell anyone if you don't want to."

Jim blew out a breath. "If I start this, she'll get a taste of it and she'll want to go back and I can't let her do that. I won't let her get hurt again."

"I don't believe she has any desire to take on a criminal case that could get her into trouble. She just wants something to do; something to make her feel accomplished. She has such a wonderful legal mind; she wants to use it, let her!"

He shook his head. "I can't do that."

Sarah put her hands on her hips. "You, sir, are a very selfish man, you're not thinking about her wellbeing when you make this decision for both of you; you're only thinking of yourself. She wasn't even asking to leave the house to do this work; she just wanted something to occupy a little of her time during the day; work she even stated that you could look over and supervise, but you want to act like a caveman and say no, telling her that you're the man and you make the rules; well let me tell you something, buster; one day you're going to push her too far and she's going to do what she damn well pleases whether you like it or not! Don't push her to that point, Jim. You say you're not trying to clip her wings and yet you are; you think you're doing such a big favor by letting her go out in her car…but you know what; it means nothing when you're trying to hold her down in other aspects just to keep your mind at ease. Quit thinking about yourself so much and think about her and how she feels! Do you even know how much courage it took for her to even ask you to include her in your work?"

Jim took offense to Sarah's tirade. "I'm not selfish!"

"Well you're certainly not fair," she retorted. "It took a lot of courage for her to ask you to let her join in your work and you laughed in her face and told her she wasn't good enough. How could you? Doesn't she have enough people pushing her down into the mud without her own husband doing it? Why can't she help you? Are you afraid she'll do a better job than you?"

"No," he said tartly.

"Do you really think she lacks the ability to do the job?"

"No, I don't think she lacks the ability. I just don't want her doing it. Her career is what got her in trouble and we agreed that it's best for her to stay retired from the law. If she wants to teach, that's fine; practicing law in any form is out."

Sarah eyed him sternly. "What happened to her could've just as easily happened to you. You're a lawyer; I'm sure your career has put you in danger at times."

"That's beside the point. Danger has come a hell of a lot closer to her than it ever did to me. I'm not letting it happen again."

"It's not going to happen again. All she wants is some busy work to keep her occupied."

"She can clean out the attic like she said."

Anger flashed across Sarah's face and she swept her arm across the corner of the desk, sending his files flying to the floor. "You're one of the most pig-headed men I've ever met!" she exclaimed. "You want her to heal, you want her to feel better, do better, be herself…and yet you keep holding her down like a butterfly you're trying to pin to a board. You let your fears rule you just as much as she lets hers rule her; and worse yet, your fears get heaped onto her shoulders as well because she feels like it's her duty to carry the responsibility for them and to act accordingly. She gave in to your demands tonight because she's so afraid to rock that boat too much; because she feels like she owes it to you to let you dictate her life. If she lets you make all the decisions, you won't have any reason to change your mind and send her away; you won't have to regret the choice of allowing her to come home."

Sarah paused to see if Jim would interject but he remained silent, his gaze pinned upon her. She figured she had his attention so she continued on. "She's so desperate to keep you from changing your mind; to keep you from leaving her. She makes sure your feelings come first and above hers; and to make sure your feelings are taken care of, she happily suffocates herself because she can't bear to anger you too much, she can't bear the thought of that anger morphing into the possibility of you sending her away. She already had to live without you once; she can't stand the thought of doing it again. She loves you so much that she's willing to let you keep her under your thumb for as long as she can if it means you're happy. Don't you get that you come first to her? It's you and then Katie…and she rarely ever puts herself on the list; she's too busy trying to making amends, trying to toe lines, trying to find a way to make everything calm and peaceful. What she wants, feels and desires often goes unspoken and unfulfilled because she doesn't want to upset you."

"Johanna knows she can tell me anything," Jim remarked; his tone low and even.

The woman before him gave a slight shake of her head. "Don't you see what you're doing to her? You think because you drag her out of the house once a week and graciously allow her to go out in her car without accompaniment that you're really doing something to further her progress…and I'll give you that it helps in a small way, but in other ways you're hindering. There's nothing wrong with being protective; there's nothing wrong with a little coddling…but you go too far with it. Let her do something. Let her have something before she reaches her breaking point and explodes from the pressure of bowing to everyone's whims but her own. She's going to get to the point one day where she rebels, consequences be damned."

"She's not a teenager," he retorted.

"No; but she's a woman carrying a lot of weight…and there's going to be a breaking point. There's going to be a moment when she has to let it all go and break free of that weight…and how she does that is going to depend on the people around her. You can either help her navigate or you can get burned by the blaze when she goes off."

Worry filled his gaze. "She's going to leave me?" he asked, a tremor in his voice.

"No," Sarah said, her tone softening as she gave a shake of her head. "She's never going to leave you but things could get rocky as she finds her way. You have to stop trying to keep her in a gilded cage. Let her breathe, Jim. Let her touch and taste more of her roots. The law is a part of her life's fabric. Let her do a little work; I swear to you, no harm will come to her because of it. There isn't anything in those folders that can hurt her; it doesn't even have to be known that she did anything. What matters is that she knows. The real harm comes from keeping her in that cage. Support these little baby steps she's taking to reclaim herself. You love her don't you?"

"Of course I do. I love her more than anything."

Sarah smiled. "Then let go a little; let go of some of those fears, ease up the grip you have on the choices she makes. She's still going to need you as much as always but you'll be helping her in a better way. She's trying so hard to put all the pieces back together, and she's doing it for you most of all, because she wants the two of you to know nothing but happiness. Give in a little, Jim. It won't hurt; a little anonymous behind the scenes work won't hurt her at all; it'll make her feel good."

Jim released a weighted breath. "I'll think about it."

His visitor frowned. "Don't just think about it, do it. Do it for her; you can handle a day of a little more anxiety…because once you come home and see that she's perfectly fine and finished with the task you gave her, you're going to realize how silly it was to refuse her in the first place."

"I promise, I'll think about it."

"Think real hard," Sarah stated; the infliction of her voice once again reminding him of Johanna as she turned and moved toward Johanna's desk across the room. He watched as she sat down the hand painted butterfly paperweight on the desk. His breath caught and she looked over her shoulder and gave him a smile. "I know that's not the exact spot where she keeps it, but I like to move it so she knows I'm around."

He said nothing, stunned by the statement. "Do the right thing," Sarah implored. "You'll both feel better."

* * *

The next thing Jim knew, the sound of his phone blaring music on the nightstand jolted him awake, early morning sunlight streaming through the slats of the blind.

"Stop it, Sarah," Johanna mumbled sleepily at his side; jerking his gaze toward her even as he fumbled with the phone to silence it.

"Jo?" he said quietly.

His wife didn't stir; her eyes still closed and her breathing even as she continued to sleep…but the words that had tumbled from her lips kept ringing in his ears. She had said 'Sarah'…and Sarah was the name of the woman in his dream. Who the hell was Sarah? He laid there quietly; his mind working through a list of Johanna's relatives, first on Naomi's side and then Frank's…and then it hit him. Sarah was the name of Frank's mother. Sarah was Johanna's grandmother…the elusive face of the past that her father had held against her. The woman she had been named for; Sarah Johanna Riley McKenzie. He carefully sat up on the bed to keep from disturbing Johanna and he scrubbed a hand over his face. The spirit that was lurking in their home must be Sarah…and Johanna had had some kind of experience with her to know it was her. It explained the talk about ghosts, the sleeplessness, the nervousness…it explained why she classified the 'ghost' as a woman who was related to her.

Jim wanted to wake her and drag it out of her but he held back…his own possible experience making him reluctant. He could understand why she was clearly reluctant to tell him about her knowledge of this certain ghost that had found her way into their home. He was sure she thought he'd think she was crazy…just as he had a slight fear that she might think he was crazy if he woke her and told her about his dream. He took a deep breath and exhaled slowly before rising from the edge of the bed. He made sure the covers were tucked around Johanna and then he quietly left the room.

Once he was downstairs, Jim made a beeline to the office, wanting to see if the room was the way he had left it the night before. As he crossed the threshold of the room, goosebumps rose on his arms as he glanced at his desk and saw that his stacks of files were now lying on the floor in the same spot they had been in his dream. Slowly he turned to look at Johanna's desk…and there upon it was the paperweight that had been missing all evening the night before…the one he saw Sarah sit down in his dream; and it was sitting exactly where he had seen her put it. "Oh lord," he muttered. His dream had just taken on a very real quality.


	7. Chapter 7

_Author's Note: Thanks for your reviews!_

Chapter 7- Puzzle Pieces

"Is something wrong?" Johanna asked Jim as she watched him check his briefcase after they had finished breakfast.

"No, nothing's wrong," he answered; although in all honesty he had still been thinking about the visitor who had invaded his dreams that morning…and the very real proof of her presence that Sarah had left behind in the office. "Why do you ask?"

"You just seem quiet this morning," she answered as she grabbed the bottle of orange juice to put it back in the fridge.

"It's nothing, sweetheart. I was just thinking about what I need to do today."

Johanna gave a small nod of acceptance as she turned away from the refrigerator and approached him. She laid her hand over his as he went to grab his coat off the back of the chair. His gaze met hers and she gave him a small smile.

"I really am sorry for last night," she told him. "I don't know what got into me. We had such a good talk the night before and we were in a good place…and I had to taint it with foolishness. I'm so sorry. All day I'd been waiting for you to come home so we could pick up where we left off that morning and then I had to go off on some stupid rant."

Jim shook his head. "You didn't do anything wrong; there's no need to apologize."

"I feel like there is," she replied. "You were right; we agreed that I'm retired from the law and I'm not going to go back on that. I understand your feelings about it and I'm not going to put that worry on your shoulders. I guess sometimes I miss that part of my life…I see you working on things and you're so focused and engrossed in your task and as silly as it sounds, I get a little jealous because I miss that feeling of putting something together and figuring out all the pieces. But that part of my life is in the past and I should be used to that by now. My law degree has been collecting dust for a long time now and it can continue to do so. Hell, I don't even know where it is," she said with a soft laugh; "And it doesn't matter where it is, I have no need for it. It's just a piece of paper. I have what I need and I'm sorry I brought all that up, I shouldn't have."

Her words only made him feel worse for how he had handled the conversation. He knew it wasn't her intent; her apology was sincere, she meant every word she had said…and he could see her locking away the thoughts she had unleashed the night before. " _Happily suffocating herself"_ ; the statement Sarah had made in his dream came rushing back. She was suffocating the side of her that still wanted to function as an attorney in a small way in deference to his feelings. It didn't make him feel good. Jim took a breath and clutched her hand tightly before releasing it. "Can you wait here for a minute?" he asked.

Johanna looked at him oddly. "Yeah."

He gave her a small smile. "I'll be right back," he told her as he moved away from the chair and left the kitchen.

She sat down at the table, wondering if she had smoothed things over or made them worse; sometimes she couldn't tell. Sometimes he was good at hiding what he was thinking or feeling. In the quietness of the house she could hear his footsteps on the stairs and she wondered what he was up to as his steps paused soon after reaching the top of the stairs. Her fingers drummed upon the surface of the table; analyzing his reaction to her apology…or lack there of. He hadn't given her much…maybe when he came back downstairs he'd let her know that she had his forgiveness.

A few minutes later, she heard Jim's footsteps on the stairs once again and she rose from her chair. When he appeared in the kitchen he was carrying a small box that he sat on the table. Without a word, he lifted the lid and reached inside, pulling out a frame. He looked at it for a moment and then met her curious gaze, giving her a smile as he handed it to her. "There it is, sweetheart."

Johanna glanced down at the frame in her hands and saw her law degree from Columbia. She sucked in a breath without realizing it, her fingers moving gently against the glass over the words _Johanna Elizabeth McKenzie_. It had been so long since she had seen it; this piece of paper that had once been an every day part of her life; a staple on her office wall that she barely glanced at once the newness had worn off. She had wondered where it had ended up but hadn't wanted to pick at any raw feelings by asking Jim or Kate what had happened to it. She hadn't thought it mattered…but holding it in her hands again, it brought something small back to life within her; something that she was sure would have to be squashed as her career was over, but she felt it just the same.

"The box was on the shelf in the hall closet upstairs…it got pushed off to the side," Jim said as she continued to stare at the frame she held.

Her gaze lifted away from her diploma and met his; a smile on her lips. "Thank you, honey," she said softly. "It's nice to see it again."

He gave a nod and reached back into the box. "Here's your undergrad degree," he said handing her another frame.

She kept her law degree clutched in one hand and reached for the frame that held her undergrad degree in Political Science. It was yet another piece of paper that had hung on her wall for years that she barely glanced at. She had barely even glanced at it when she first received it, her eye already on the next step, her law degree closer by the second. It had just been a stepping stone for what she really wanted; but having it in her hand now, she appreciated it a little more; it had done it's job at preparing her for the course she had chosen; she had worked hard to obtain it and she should've taken more than a moment back then to bask in that first accomplishment. It felt good to have both degrees in her hand; the proof of hard work, of accomplishments…of finding those pieces of herself again. She clutched them to her chest, knowing her husband would probably find it odd but she couldn't help herself. Something that had been missing had been found.

"Thank you," she murmured once again as she forced herself to lay them down on the table.

"You're welcome," he replied; his eyes lighting up with pride that he had given something back to her that she had been missing.

"What else is in there?" Johanna asked; a touch of hesitation in her voice.

"Your awards and certificates," Jim said as he pulled out a few smaller frames and plaques.

Her breath caught, seeing the evidence of her career being taken out of storage. Every day when she walked into the office, she saw all the things that used to adorn the walls of Jim's office at the law firm. His degrees, his accolades, they were all displayed on the walls on his side of the room…and her side only held a few pieces of artwork; a print of Sargent's Carnation, Lilly, Lilly, Rose; a Victorian print displaying a mother and daughter in a garden by a virtually unknown artist; another Victorian era print showcasing a young couple on a porch swing, looking out over a serene property that reminded her of the cabin Jim owned in the mountains; and lastly, even though it looked out of place among her other offerings, there was a print of Van Gogh's Starry Night. She had loved the painting since she was a child…and Jim had bought her that print for her birthday one year. She loved her small collection of art work…but when seeing Jim's career on display, there was always a part of her that wished her career was displayed too.

"Here's something you'll like," Jim said; lifting another frame from the box and handing it to her.

"Oh," she breathed, looking down at the frame she now held. Behind the glass was a piece of drawing paper and upon it was a childish drawing of a butterfly; brightly colored with Crayola crayons. Her heart thudded; tears stinging her eyes. _'I love you Mommy'_ was written in purple at the top of the page, in the neatest handwriting her daughter had been able to muster…the result still slightly messy. Her eyes glanced down at the corner of the drawing ' _Love, Katie'._

"Here's another," Jim said; handing her another frame.

A smile touched her lips as she looked at yet another Crayola masterpiece that had adorned the wall of her office; this offering a stick figure family that Katie had drawn for her in kindergarten. "Do you still have the ones she drew for you?" she asked as she glanced at Jim.

"Of course," he said with a nod. "But she'd kill me if I hung them up at home…she couldn't believe they were still hanging in my office when I retired."

She laughed softly; swallowing back the lump of emotion. "She'll understand one day."

"The pictures you kept on your desk and on the shelves in your office are in there too," he told her, pushing the box toward her.

Johanna laid aside the framed drawings and reached into the box; taking out the smaller frames. There was one of her favorite wedding pictures of her and Jim; one of her favorite baby pictures of Kate. One of the casual poses from Kate's senior photo collection; a family photo that had been snapped by Sharon; another photo of just her and Jim…and one of her and her mother…and one of her with both of her parents.

"I had almost forgotten about these," she murmured.

"I would've given them to you sooner, but the thought didn't cross my mind," Jim replied. "I'm sorry about that. I didn't even think about it when I dug out those boxes of papers that you and Katie wanted to go through."

"It's alright," she assured. "I wondered about my degrees…I just didn't want to upset anyone by asking."

"Don't be afraid to ask for what's yours, Jo," he told her. "They're your belongings; you have every right to them."

She smiled and picked up her law degree, clutching it to her once again. "Thank you for getting them out for me."

Jim crossed the room and opened the junk drawer and took out a few packs of hooks. He carried them back to where she stood and laid them down on the table. "Why don't you hang those up in the office today…that's where they belong…and then you'll always know where they are," he told her.

"Really?" she asked.

He nodded, a smile touching his lips. "You'll have plenty of room; you won't even have to take down your prints."

Johanna laid down her diploma and moved into his arms, embracing him tightly. "Thank you."

"You keep saying that," he said with a quiet chuckle as he held her. "It's not necessary; they're your things, they should be on your wall...they're a part of you."

She captured his lips in a lingering kiss. "Now I have my project for the morning after I clean up from breakfast."

Jim gave her hip a gentle squeeze. "You get to work, Mrs. Beckett," he said warmly. "I better get going; I'm going to be late. I'll see you later."

She kissed him goodbye and then watched from the door as he pulled out of the driveway. She hurried to clean up the kitchen and then carried the box to the office and set about hanging up her degrees and awards…and the two framed pieces of Katie's artwork. She smiled as she straightened the butterfly drawing; her daughter could get mad at her all she wanted for hanging up those drawings, but they'd stay on the wall; she'd have to get over it. The smaller photos that had once decorated her desk and shelves at the office found new homes on various shelves of the bookcase.

With her task finished, Johanna turned to her desk and noticed that her paperweight that had been missing the night before was back on her desk. She also noticed that her laptop had been pushed to the side and a small stack of files set in the center of her desk; a piece of paper folded on top of them. She'd been so set on her task of hanging up the mementos of her career that she had ignored her desk completely and was now caught off guard by the sight. She moved to her chair and sat down; staring at the items as if they had the power to cause more harm than a paper cut. Jim hadn't said anything about leaving something on her desk…was this some offering from him or more of Sarah's mischief?

Her fingers trembled slightly as she reached for the folded piece of paper. She unfolded it and was greeted by the site of Jim's handwriting.

 _Sweetheart,_

 _You know I've never been good at making apologies, the words always seem inadequate; I usually let a rose say it for me, and believe me, you'll have one when I come home tonight. I wish I had it now; I'd go out and try to find one but it's early and I don't want you to wake up and find yourself alone in the house; you'd worry and torment yourself until I came back and I don't want to put you in that position._

 _I was wrong last night; worse, I hurt you. I hate myself when I hurt you and yet I have a history of doing it easily, without much thought or effort. I'm a lucky man that you forgive me as often as you do. I'm sorry, Johanna. I'm sorry for the things I said; the way I reacted, for hurting your feelings. I let my fears rule me; I don't want to lose you again. That fear makes me hold onto you tightly…it makes me want to be the one who makes all the rules and calls all the shots…which I suppose makes me seem like a caveman by modern standards…and that's not the kind of man you married. I know if I was saying these things directly to you, you'd say you understand…you're probably thinking those words right now; but understanding doesn't mean its right for me to do it. If I want you to feel better and get back to completely being yourself; if I want you to let go of your fears, then I have to let go of mine a little and stop being a hypocrite._

 _I love you, Johanna; I've always tried to make sure I tell you that as much as possible; I try to show it in every possible way I can. I try to prove it by making you happy. I do my best to give you the things your heart desires; date nights, weekend getaways, candy, jewelry, flowers…new shoes. I give you all of me, my heart and soul; I give you my credit cards and tell you to have fun. I buy you things you don't ask for just because. I give you whatever you want…and yet last night you asked for something and I denied you. I denied you something that you want; something that would make you happy, and that was wrong._

 _I know, I told you why I don't want you involved with law work, and again, I know you understand…but it's selfish of me to make you carry my fears; to hold you back when what you asked for wasn't unreasonable. You weren't looking to be on the front line; you weren't even looking for acknowledgement; you just wanted the work. I said hurtful things to you; I implied you were no longer capable of the job; that it had been too long and your skills were probably deteriorated. I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said those things especially when I'm sure they're not true. You practiced law for over twenty years; you taught law courses on and off at Columbia for years, and more recently you spent over a decade teaching law. The law is a part of you; you're more than capable; more than qualified. I'm sure your skills are just as sharp as they always were._

 _I know I hurt you with those words and I regret it. I could've told you all this when you woke up but I figure it'll be harder for you to refuse the work I left on your desk if you don't find it until after I've left for the day. If we were doing this in person, you'd turn it down, you'd insist with an indulgent smile that you didn't want it, that you didn't need it; you'd pretend it didn't matter because you'd worry about my feelings. I don't want you to worry; I'm fine._

 _Inside the top folder you'll find the details of the case and what I need you to look for in these records and documents. If you have any questions, call me; but I'm sure you'll do just fine. Take your time, you don't have to finish it today or even tomorrow; there's no rush at the moment. I'll see you later…maybe sometime today you could have a talk with your 'friend' and see if you can straighten her out, I don't want to have to call ghost busters on one of your relatives…I have a feeling we don't want to open that can of worms._

 _Love, Jim_

Johanna breathed deeply as she glanced at the letter once more. Her husband didn't often write her letters; he was a man of actions and spoken words; he didn't like to write anything other than legal papers. Oh she had a few short, sweet notes tucked away and sometimes he'd write a loving line or two in her birthday or anniversary card…but never anything of this length. I wasn't a love letter…and yet it felt like one to her. She carefully folded it and slipped it into the desk drawer and then regarded the files stacked before her. Her fingers reached for the one on top and then pulled back; a multitude of feelings washing over her. There was a feeling of relief that her husband had changed his mind, a shimmer of excitement at diving back in, a feeling of energy as she thought about the work to be done…and then there was fear.

There was a flutter of nerves in her stomach and she allowed her hands to fall into her lap as she stared at the files. She had no doubt that she could handle whatever task Jim had assigned for her…she just couldn't help feeling a little nervous about it. It had been a long time…what if he was right and her skills had deteriorated? The real thing wasn't quite like the mock cases she walked her students through…if you screwed up the real thing; cases fell apart and damages were incurred. She blew out a breath and tried to quell her nerves. This feeling wasn't new to her; she had felt it before…on her first day at Stanford, Roche and Myers. But that had worked out alright, hadn't it? Not only had she met Jim that same day but she didn't blow anything that cost her her job…she was with the firm for ten years and had only left due to downsizing, not because she had been bad at her job. She had spent the rest of her career in the law firm two of her friends and colleagues had started…there hadn't been any complaints about her work, and as she suddenly recalled; she had been nervous her first day there as well…technically she had remained nervous for the first few months until she felt like she was back on her feet.

It was just first day jitters, so to speak, Johanna told herself. She was just going over files, everything would be fine. She didn't even have to jump in at that very second; she could allow herself a few minutes to get used to the idea…and Jim had requested in his letter that she have a talk with her 'friend'…if he only knew, she thought. She glanced at files and then the clock, her gaze then straying to her paperweight, which although it had been returned, wasn't sitting in the correct spot.

"Sarah," she called out. "Are you here?"

Recalling that her grandmother had told her that she required several minutes to arrive, Johanna moved the files to the side of her desk and pulled her laptop forward to check her email while she waited. Five minutes later, her grandmother hadn't appeared and she frowned. "Sarah, I think we need to talk so you may as well show yourself."

She knew her request for an audience with Sarah McKenzie had been granted when she felt the room start to cool and the lights flickered. Her grandmother walked into the room from the hallway, Johanna's reading glasses in her hand, a somewhat sheepish smile on her lips as she approached her granddaughter's desk. "You called?" Sarah asked.

"I did," she confirmed. "What are you doing with my glasses?"

"I got them off the nightstand for you," Sarah replied as she laid them down on the desk. "I thought you might need them."

"Thank you," Johanna said as she continued to eye the spirit; taking note of how Sarah's gaze wasn't remaining on her as it usually did. "That was quite a tantrum you threw last night," she remarked.

Her grandmother nodded. "It was a very fine effort, wasn't it?"

"Couldn't have been any better," she replied. "I didn't appreciate the cold water in my shower though."

Sarah glanced down at the floor. "I'm sorry for that."

"Jim didn't appreciate it either."

"I'm sorry for that as well."

"Why did you do that, Sarah?"

Sarah shrugged. "I thought you both needed some cooling down."

"I don't like cold water in my shower unless it's a hundred degrees outside," Johanna remarked.

"It won't happen again," her grandmother promised. "I was…a little angry with both of you."

"We noticed; between the phones, the lights, the TV and the door being slammed into the wall, we didn't stand a chance of not being aware of your anger; and what's the big idea with taking my paperweight?"

She smiled. "I wanted to annoy you."

Johanna had to give a concentrated effort not to smile. "You did a very good job of it."

"Good; then maybe you'll think twice about having an attitude with your grandmother."

"I had an attitude because you meddled in my marriage."

"I did not meddle," Sarah said firmly. "All I'm guilty of is encouraging you to express a desire you have; the desire to do some law work again. There's nothing wrong with encouragement."

"Your encouragement was a frosty look, a flick at the back of my head and a few sharp pokes in my back."

The spirit nodded. "Yes, but it's not my fault you required more than just a look; really darling, it's your fault that I had to be rough on you; you weren't cooperating."

"I didn't feel the topic needed explored further at that moment; I was looking forward to enjoying my evening with my husband…things were very good between us that morning, as you know."

Sarah waved her hand dismissively. "The two of you can fall into bed together anytime; I'm sure it won't be a long wait."

"It wasn't about… _that_ ," she retorted.

Her grandmother's brow rose. "Oh no?"

Johanna's cheeks warmed. "It was only part of it…that's not all we do you know; we enjoy all aspects of our marriage."

"I know, dear; I was just pointing out that there was an amorous note in the air yesterday."

"There wasn't after dinner," she quipped.

"That's not my fault," Sarah replied. "You needed to say what was on your mind and I…nudged you along. I can't help it that he got angry and forgot what century he lives in with his 'I'm the husband; I make the rules' remark. That one really pissed me off…that's why I kept pushing his files on the floor; setting off his phone and doused him with cold water."

"I don't think you have any room to talk about my temper anymore after last night; your temper is just as bad or worse," Johanna told her. "And all of these years I was thinking it came from Dad; apparently it comes from you."

Sarah rocked back on her heels, her chin lifting with an air of arrogance. "I wouldn't count out the Italian side of your gene pool, dear. I have met your mother's side of the family…"

Johanna's brow rose. "What of it?"

Her grandmother smiled. "Sophia Calabrese has quite a temper when provoked…so does your mother. I saw her throw a coffee mug against the wall once."

"Only once?" she asked. "Mom broke several mugs that way over the years…and then there was the great dinner roll war of 1969 when a fight broke out at Thanksgiving dinner and they were lobbed as weapons…in fact, she threw the first one…at Dad…bounced right off his forehead; it was beautiful," she laughed.

Sarah giggled. "Oh yes, I did see that…your grandfather got nailed by a roll as well."

"They never made any comments about her rolls again."

"Sometimes they only had to learn a lesson once," Sarah replied warmly. "But I guess the point is, your temper comes from many people. You come from two very feisty heritages, we're not sedate people…we just don't have it within us; although some of us have more self control then others in this family."

"I don't think you're in that group, Sarah; not after that tantrum you had last night."

"I'll have you know that it's been a long time since I've had a tantrum!"

"Oh? How long has it been?"

"Years…many years. I had a tantrum in your father's garage once."

"Really?"

Sarah nodded. "I knocked an old shelf off the wall…and kept pushing his tools onto the floor…turned the lights on and off…he wasn't a happy camper."

"I don't remember that," Johanna remarked.

"The two of you weren't speaking at the time, dear."

"I see," she replied; wondering if she should ask for details or just allow it to pass without comment.

"It was the summer of 1975," Sarah said; clearly reading her thoughts. "I'm sure you can fill in the blanks."

"Yeah; I know those blanks all too well," Johanna replied; thinking about the distance she had put between herself and her parents that summer due to Naomi's nagging during Colleen's wedding planning and the big blow up she'd had with Frank after her grandfather died.

Sarah continued to eye her. "I couldn't let him go unpunished for his behavior during that time. He wasn't happy when that shelf came down…it had paint cans on it…and wouldn't you know that they came open and spilled all over the floor?"

A hint of a smile touched her lips. "He probably curled your hair with his cussing."

"It wasn't anything I hadn't heard before."

"Aren't you going to sit down?" Johanna asked, wondering why Sarah hadn't pulled the piano bench over in front of the desk as usual.

"No, not this time."

"You're not staying for awhile?" she asked.

"No, not today; you have work to do, dear," her grandmother said as she tapped a finger against the files.

"Yeah," she said softly; a flutter in her stomach as she glanced at the files.

Her grandmother studied her intently for a moment. "What's wrong, darling? It's what you wanted, isn't it?"

"Yeah…I'm just…"

"Just what?"

"Nervous," Johanna admitted.

Compassion swept across Sarah's face. "Oh, Josie; you don't have to worry, no harm can come from this. You're perfectly safe."

"It's not really that," she replied quietly; "Although it's good to know."

"Then what is it?"

"I'm just…worried. What if Jim's right? What if I don't have the skill anymore? It's been a long time…I don't want to let him down, I don't want to do something wrong. What if…"

"Stop," Sarah interrupted; her tone soft as her hand raised as if she could halt the flow of words from her granddaughter's lips. "You still have the skill," she stated gently but firmly. "I know it's been awhile but it's still there. You still use it…you used it when you and Katie went over the case in detail, remember? It was you who saw that the wrong time frame was being focused on…and that was the key you needed."

"I remember," she murmured.

"See, it's still there. I understand you're nervous…Jim's words made you doubt yourself but he didn't mean those things. It was just his fear talking."

"I know…but once it's in your head, you can't help but think about it."

Sarah gave a nod. "I understand, but you'll be fine once you get started. You can't back out now, not after he gave in after saying no."

"I wonder what made him change his mind," Johanna replied.

Her grandmother's gaze darted away for a split second as she shrugged. "You know how men are, darling; sometimes they just have to sleep on it."

Johanna eyed her curiously. "Did you do…"

"I should get going," Sarah stated, cutting off her flow of words. "You need to get started on your work; but don't worry, I'll be around."

"What about my visits?" Johanna hurried to ask. "I don't want to start and be interrupted; maybe I should wait."

Her grandmother shook her head. "No visitor today; you have something more important to do…but you're not off the hook. You're next visitor will be around in a day or two; this person doesn't mind waiting while you take care of some business."

"It's good to know I haven't inconvenienced anyone in the other realm," she replied, a touch of light hearted sarcasm lacing her words.

Sarah giggled. "We're an easy going lot."

"Your tantrum suggests otherwise."

"You're not going to let me forget that, are you?"

Johanna smiled. "Nope; I'm not going to let that happen."

"Very well," Sarah said. "The outcome was positive so I won't complain."

Before Johanna could respond, her phone sounded. "It's your husband," Sarah announced before she could even look at the screen.

"How did you know?" she asked as she gave the phone a quick glance.

"Just a hunch; answer it before he worries."

Johanna accepted the call and brought the phone to her ear. "On a coffee break already?"

"You know me too well," Jim answered; a quiet laugh detectable in his voice.

"Is everything okay?" she asked.

"Yeah…you know I call and check in when I can."

"I know; I wasn't saying there was anything wrong with you calling…it's just it's a little earlier than usual."

"I know," he breathed. "I just…miss you."

A small smile touched her lips and Sarah was polite enough to move to the other side of the room to examine the frames on the wall on Jim's side.

"I miss you too," she murmured.

"Did you hang up your stuff?"

"Yeah; I just finished a little while ago. You were right; I didn't have to take anything down."

"That's good…I guess I could've done it for you when I got home tonight, I didn't think about that until I was driving to the office."

"I'm capable of hanging things on the wall," she said with a soft laugh, knowing they were avoiding the elephant in the room. She decided to be the brave one this time and broach the subject in a small way. "I'm sitting at my desk right now."

There was silence on the line for the space of a heartbeat. "Did you get my note?" Jim asked quietly.

"Yes…you should write me love letters more often."

"I was under the impression that it was a letter of apology," he replied.

"It's that too," she murmured. "You do have a way with words, you know, counselor."

He scoffed lightly. "You're the one who has a way with words, sweetheart; not me."

Her voice dropped an octave. "Then why have you been able to talk me into so many things I initially said no to?"

Jim gave a soft laugh. "Luck and irresistibility on my part and low resistance on yours."

A smile slid across her lips. "If that's what gets you through the night, honey."

"Getting me through the night is your job, sweetheart."

She laughed softly. "See you're a smooth talker."

He chuckled lightly. "I have to impress you once in awhile."

"You always do."

Jim took a breath and decided it was probably time to take her cue that she had thrown out earlier. "So…I guess if you got the note, you got the files."

"Yeah; I have them."

"I wasn't calling to check up on the work," he hurried to say.

"I know."

"You do?"

"Yes…you called to make sure I was okay."

"And because I like to hear your voice."

"I like hearing yours too…I haven't started the work yet."

"Is something wrong?" he asked.

"No…I'm just a little nervous."

"Why, sweetheart?"

Johanna worried her bottom lip. "I don't want to do a bad job."

"You won't; why would you think that you would?"

"Because…it's been a long time…what if I'm not good at it anymore? What if my skill has deteriorated?"

Jim breathed deeply. "I ruined your confidence," he said quietly. "I put that idea in your head."

"No; I'm sure it would've popped in even if you hadn't said anything. If I really had the confidence I thought it probably wouldn't have stuck in my mind. Maybe this isn't such a good idea…"

Sarah whirled to face her; her eyes wide and a stern expression crossing her face. Johanna cringed, seeing her grandmother's distaste and hearing her husband's silence. She should've stayed in bed that morning.

"I didn't mean what I said last night, Jo."

"I know."

"You're going to be just fine; you know how to do this, you have too much experience for it not to be second nature, sweetheart. You'll settle in once you get started."

"It seems foolish to be nervous about opening a file, doesn't it?"

"No," he replied. "It's just first day jitters. You'll be fine, you can do it. Just do what you've always done; you remember, you always read and take notes, re-read and dig further, double check and go over it for a third time; that's always been your routine…and sometimes the third time was followed by the fourth and fifth time because you're very methodical; you don't leave any stone unturned. You've got this, there's no doubt in my mind."

She took a breath, doing her best to let his words wash away her jitters. It didn't work completely, but she'd do her best to push the feeling away. "I'll do my best for you," she said softly.

"I know you will," Jim told her. "If you need anything, call me…but I'm sure you'll be fine once you get started."

"I'll get started now," Johanna replied as she pulled the files forward.

"Alright, I'll let you go so you can do that and I better get back to work too."

They said their goodbyes and Johanna ended the call; setting her phone off to the side before her gaze flicked to Sarah as the spirit made her way back to her.

"I'm glad to hear that you aren't backing out," her grandmother stated.

"I'm still nervous…but I have to do it," she replied.

"You'll be fine. I'll be around, dear; don't worry."

Johanna managed to give her a smile and then when Sarah had vanished, she opened the top file and took out the pages of notes about the details of the case that Jim had printed off that morning. She took another deep breath and exhaled slowly; forcing herself to push away negative thoughts and to concentrate on the task at hand. She read over the details twice and then repeated the same process while looking over the list of things that Jim wanted her to look for. When she finished, she took a legal pad from one of the desk drawers and slipped her reading glasses on and got to work.

* * *

The house was largely quiet when Jim got home late that afternoon but he didn't feel worried as he normally would have. The television was on in the living room, but his wife was absent and he had a feeling it was only on to provide noise that would softly drift into the office where she most likely was still parked at her desk given her text requesting that he bring dinner home. He smiled as he carried the bags of food to the kitchen and sat them on the table, along with her apology rose; she must've overcome her fears if she was engrossed enough to have him bring home take out. With the food on the table, he made the trek to the office, his briefcase in hand.

Another smile touched his lips as he stepped inside the room, his gaze falling on his wife as she sat her desk, her head bent over her work, her teeth worrying her bottom lip. She was deep in concentration, her brow furrowing as she read over something that she then checked on the pad that was full of notes. "Jo," he said quietly as he approached her desk, not wanting to startle her.

She flinched at the sound of his voice despite his efforts but she smiled as she looked up from her papers. "Hi, honey…I'm sorry I lost track of time and didn't get dinner started."

"That's alright, sweetheart; you're entitled to a day off from cooking. I didn't mind picking something up. I put the bags in the kitchen. How are you doing?" he asked with a nod at the work in front of her. She had called him once to ask a few questions and he had gotten the idea from them that she might be on to something.

"I think I'm doing alright," she replied. "I think I've found some inconsistencies."

Jim sat down his briefcase and rounded the desk. "Show me."

Johanna set aside the file she was currently working on and pulled forward the ones she had marked with sticky notes. She opened them up and reached for her notes. "I notice that there's more consistency with the handling of business under one person than the other," she stated. "This person, identified as S. Anderson, is much more consistent with the logs of correspondence, the figures, keeping track of what's coming in and going out; everything from that person's handling is documented in what I've gone through; there are no discrepancies in Anderson's handling so far. But then when you look at this person identified as C. Highland, things get sketchy."

"How so?"

Johanna flipped through a few documents and pointed out areas where she had found discrepancies, explaining each one as she went.

Jim listened intently, making note of everything she was saying, but he couldn't help but feel a burst of warmth spread across his chest as he listened to her talk; she was so focused, so into her task, a glimmer of excitement in her eyes that she had caught on to a pattern, the look of pride and accomplishment. She may have been nervous starting out but she certainly wasn't now and he couldn't help but feel so proud of her…he liked seeing her back in her element, the stress eased from her shoulders for a day. The work was doing her good at the moment; he had done the right thing.

"Who's signing off on these things?" Jim asked.

"The person I called to ask you about, George Frankenberry. You said he's the higher ranking person over these ones who are responsible for logging, transferring, ect."

"That's right; and he was signing off all this even though things weren't adding up?"

"Yes; and I notice that the first time around when Highland was being shifty with the money, he must've gotten caught and a check was logged as being 'lost'; but then Frankenberry starts signing off on them and it starts happening more and more. They try to cover their tracks with unexplained 'business expenses, and by the looks of it, even some fake entries for checks."

"So they were trying to cover it up in small ways but not doing a good job at it."

"Right; but it's not really noticeable unless you're looking for it. The bigger amounts that are missing always have some explanation attached to it like the business expenses I mentioned that he signed off on so people weren't going to bat an eye about it. By May, they're skimming more and more but apparently are coming to the conclusion that they need to replace the money somehow in effort to avoid suspicion."

"What makes you say that?" he asked.

"Because according to your notes; late May is when people start complaining about being charged late fees and other bogus fees that they shouldn't have been charged for. I have a feeling that when the accountant you're using goes over the figures better and in more detail than I can do, he'll see that the money was being used to cover up the fact that they were lining their pockets."

Jim nodded. "That's a logical theory; but we have to prove it…and proving it would help with the other parts of this case."

"I don't think there's going to be too much of a problem with that; they had to have an accomplice in the billing department, because every piece of mail that comes in is logged, which means the payments are logged as soon as they come in even though they haven't been processed yet. That's the file I'm working on now, and I'm seeing a trend of payments being received well before the due date but not being processed until days after the due date…someone was holding them back; and why would someone do that unless they wanted to be able to charge fees? Late fees on these accounts are fifty dollars and up depending on what else gets tacked on; it adds up fast when it's being applied to multiple accounts all the time."

"Do the logs say who was holding back the payments?"

"The person is listed as A. Denning…but there's no A Denning on the employee list you emailed me this afternoon."

"Son of a bitch," Jim muttered. "So it could be anyone in the billing department."

"Yes…someone smart enough to try to keep from being caught unlike the other two. You double check everything after dinner to make sure I'm right…but I've been over it twice already on that first angle."

"I'll look it over for your peace of mind," he told her before pressing a kiss to her temple. "You did a good day's work, sweetheart."

She smiled up at him. "I felt a little unsure of myself going in, as you know."

"I know," he said with a nod. "But now you know there was no need to worry, right?"

"Yeah," she said softly, the smile still clinging to her lips. "Thank you for letting me have the chance."

Jim dipped his head and captured her lips in a kiss. "Your rose in the kitchen with the food," he told her. "Why don't you close up shop for the day and we'll go eat and you can get your usual apology offering."

Johanna gave a nod. "Sounds good; just let me mark where I left off so I can get back to it tomorrow."

"Go ahead; get things settled. I'll put the food on the table tonight."

"I'll be there in a minute," she told him as she caught his hand and gave it a gentle squeeze.

He brushed a kiss against her temple and then left the room, leaving her to her task.

"He's so proud of you," Sarah murmured warmly as she appeared at her side.

Johanna glanced at her in surprise. "You think so?"

"I know so," she said with a nod. "You see, this is not only good for you; it's good for him…he gets to see that you can take back this small piece of your professional life and that you're fine, that it helps you heal…and that helps him heal too."

"Is this your 'I told you so' lecture?" Johanna asked softly.

Sarah smiled. "Maybe it is. You should always listen to your grandmother, she knows best."

She finished marking the file and separated the rest into piles of what had been done and what wasn't. "I'll try to do better," she quipped.

"You do that," Sarah said with a wink. "Go on now; your husband is waiting."

Johanna gave her grandmother a smile and then moved away from the desk; more than ready to spend the rest of the evening with her husband.

* * *

"Any sign of your 'friend' today?" Jim asked casually as he and Johanna settled down on the sofa after dinner to watch TV.

"My friend?" she asked, trying to deflect the topic.

"You know, the one who was angry with us last night," he replied.

"Oh…she's been around," Johanna answered, her gaze shifting to the television as she tried not to squirm.

"Is she still mad?"

"No…she seems to have settled down."

Jim was quiet for a moment as he recalled the dream he'd had that morning...and how Jo had said Sarah's name when the phone started to play music. He noticed that the old photo album from Sarah McKenzie's box was lying on the coffee table and he picked it up. He flipped through the pages, looking for a photo of Johanna's grandmother and when he came across one, he studied it intently. Her face was instantly recognizable, and not just because of the resemblance to his wife…there were similarities between them but also differences, Johanna had Naomi's nose, and the shape of her mouth. Where Sarah was concerned, Johanna had her eyes, the color and shape; she had her chin and the curve of her face, her cheekbones, her hair color…a perfect blend of the two women Frank McKenzie loved the most, his wife and his mother…although his love for his mother had turned to a hatred that he used against his daughter, Jim thought to himself, frowning as he did so.

There was no mistake though, the woman in the picture was the woman from his dream…the woman whose spirit he had a feeling was lurking around the house and he was certain Johanna knew it. "How do you know when she's here?" he asked.

Johanna shifted in her seat a bit. "I just…feel it."

"That's all?"

She shrugged. "And my paperweight is always moved and I know you're not doing it…and there are those other things we've both seen."

"Why do you think she's around all of a sudden?"

"I don't think it's sudden," Johanna replied. "We always have people watching over us; I've even told you I felt things before."

"I know," Jim answered; "And I believe that too that we have loved ones who watch over us and I know you and other people have felt things before…but this seems different…it's more…upfront, for lack of better words. Like this person wants us to know she's here."

This was heading into what felt like dangerous waters, Johanna thought. "Well, honey; you know how the people in my family are; we like to be loud sometimes."

He gave a quiet laugh. "Why are you so certain that she's your relative?"

"I just know."

"Who is it? Do you have any idea?" he asked; trying to keep his suspicion out of his voice.

She squirmed slightly. "I have a few ideas."

Jim glanced back to the photo of Sarah as he thought about how to proceed.

"Have you seen her?"

Johanna was growing more uncomfortable with this topic. "What do you mean have I seen her?"

"I mean have you seen her?"

"In what sense?"

Jim eyed her. "Are you trying to be deliberately difficult?"

"No!" she exclaimed. "I'm just trying to figure out why you have me on the witness stand."

"Because there's clearly something going on around here," he stated.

"What?"

"Jo," he said firmly. "We clearly have a ghost in this house. I know we were just joking about it a few days ago…or at least I was; but it's become very clear that we have a guest…last night was a prime example. It was like being back at the Balfour."

"Okay, so we have a ghost," Johanna replied. "I never denied it."

"No, you haven't denied it; but you have made claims that you have knowledge of this ghost. You claim she's a female relative of yours."

"What's your point?"

"The point is, how do you know it's a woman and how do you know it's your relative?"

"I just know."

"How?"

Johanna sighed. "I thought we were going to watch TV."

"We always talk while we watch TV."

Before she could reply, Jim's phone began to play music and she couldn't help but laugh as she felt as though Sarah was trying to help her.

"She's trying to help you out, is she?" Jim asked; his words mirroring her thoughts as he silenced his phone.

"Maybe she doesn't like you talking about her…maybe it's her way of saying, here I am, tell me to my face."

"I haven't said a bad word about her…I just want to know her identity."

"Does it matter?" she asked.

The question once again snapped him back to his dream. Sarah had also asked if it mattered what her identity was. The similarity made him recall that many years before when Johanna's grandfather had been dying, he had constantly mistook her for his late wife and the doctor had asked her to play along to keep the man from being agitated. It became a bone of contention between Johanna and her father, especially when Johanna had apparently made comments that he remembered his mother making. Jim could well remember the day of Patrick McKenzie's funeral when Johanna called him and asked him to pick her up at a nearby diner because Frank had put her out of the house after a huge blowup. The man clearly hadn't been able to accept that Johanna's comments had been the sort of statement that anyone might have made and not a sign that she was somehow possessed by his late mother's spirit. She had inherited a portion of Sarah's looks…and apparently some of her personality…and quiet possibility a healthy dose of her temper judging on what he saw last night.

"Maybe it does matter," he stated.

"Why?"

"Maybe I want to call her by name."

Johanna shrugged. "Name her if you want."

Jim caught her eye and held her gaze. "Maybe I'll call her Sarah."

She tensed but she tried to keep her expression neutral as a feeling of panic swept through her. "That's as good a name as any," she replied; a slight tremble in her voice.

He gave a slight nod. "I think so too…after all; it is the name you said this morning when my phone started to play music."

Her tongue tied; she didn't recall Jim's phone going off that morning or saying her grandmother's name. "I…I don't know what you're talking about."

"My phone went off this morning, playing music like it has been doing the last several days. You were still asleep but it broke through enough…you said 'stop it, Sarah."

Johanna's eyes closed for a second as she tried to keep this odd secret from being revealed. "You must've misheard or you were dreaming yourself."

"I was awake," he said firmly. "I heard you say 'Sarah', you said it in regard to my phone. You've been saying that the spirit we seem to have lurking around here is a female relative of yours…and it just so happens you have a female relative named Sarah…isn't that correct?"

She bristled at the lawyer like edge in his tone. "Well I don't have a male relative named Sarah."

Jim smirked at her barbed comment and gently pulled the photo from the page of the album he held. "And this is your Sarah, right?"

Johanna glanced at the picture, taking in the smiling image of her grandmother. "Yes, that's her."

"She's your grandmother."

"You know she is," she retorted.

"You mean like you know she's our ghostly visitor?"

Her brow rose. "What makes you say that?"

He held her gaze. "Because I think you know she is."

"How would I know?"

"Because I think you've seen her," he stated. "I think you know something you aren't telling me…and I think it's that you've seen her."

She stayed quiet, her gaze never leaving his as his phone began to play once again.

"Behave, Sarah," Jim stated as he quieted the phone. "You've seen her, haven't you, Jo?"

Her lips pursed in refusal of answering, reminding him of Naomi McKenzie when she hadn't gotten her way or had gotten flustered in the heat of a moment. She didn't answer, but her eyes narrowed slightly as the lights began to flicker, the channel on the television turning.

"It seems like I've hit a nerve with both of you," he remarked as his wife remained silent and the spirit occupying their home set off his phone again, the lights flickering every few seconds, and the channel on the TV turning again.

"Maybe you've angered her," Johanna said; her tone quiet and even.

"Is that your confession?" Jim asked as he heard a thud coming from the office and assumed that the folders on his desk were once again on the floor.

She licked her lips nervously. "I'm not confessing anything."

"Why don't you just tell me?" Jim asked. "You don't have to be afraid to admit it; I'm not going to think you're crazy. Just tell me the truth."

She stayed quiet, the magazine on the coffee table sliding to the floor.

"You want to make her stop her tantrum?" he asked.

Johanna shook her head. "She's not bothering me."

Jim smirked at her. "So you're going to play it that way, are you?"

"And what way might that be?" she asked.

"Tough girl," he replied. "You used to play that game a lot back in the day."

"I am a tough girl," she retorted.

"I never denied that you were…it's just that you build it up a bit at times…playing up the bravado; you want to be tough as nails, unbreakable, unbendable, completely in control."

Her green eyes turned cool as they narrowed. "That's called being a McKenzie, darling," she said, a slight edge in her voice as she raised her chin a bit.

Jim smiled; there was a part of him that liked to rile her. "Yes; that little jut of the chin has always been the sign of McKenzie arrogance. You look like Frank when you do that."

Her jaw dropped. "I do not!"

"Yes, you do. Frank used to do that all the time and so does your brother. The three of you are definitely related."

"I don't look like my father," Johanna said tartly.

"You do when you jut that chin up…and just so you know, you most definitely have his chin."

"I do not! I have my grandmother's chin," she stated hotly.

"Where do you think Frank got it?" he asked with a laugh. "Compare the pictures, sweetheart; the truth will be right there in front of you."

Johanna glared at him. "I hope our friend torments you all night."

"Answer the question," Jim demanded.

"What question?"

"You're being obtuse."

"And you're being exasperating…you better watch that, Jimmy boy; your Elizabeth Bradley Beckett is showing…you get that from her, you know."

Jim smirked. "That's cold, sweetheart."

"Just playing the game you started, honey."

"Johanna," he said firmly. "Tell me what you know about this ghost that's lurking around. Is it Sarah? Have you seen her?"

Johanna eyed him, a flicker of suspicion in her eyes. "Why do you want to know? Why is it so important? Have _you_ seen her?"

His wife had turned the tables on him and he momentarily lost the ability to speak as his words deserted him. A smug gleam was lighting up her eyes as she assessed the victory she was sure she had just claimed. He had to regroup quickly, he surmised.

"I asked you first," Jim stated; disappointed in his own efforts at the regrouping he had just thought about in regard to strategy.

"And I asked you," she replied; not giving an inch of wiggle room.

"Jo," he said; his tone somewhat tight as the lights went off completely and then came back on. "I want an answer…now."

She held his gaze, stubbornness written across her features as Sarah continued to make her displeasure known by playing with the lights, television and phone. "What answer do you want?" she asked.

"You know what I want. I want to know about Sarah. I want to know what's going on around here…and neither one of us is going to bed tonight until you tell me."

Johanna settled back into the corner of the sofa and grabbed the throw to lay over her as Sarah's presence created a chill in the room. "Staying up all night is going to bother you way more than me," she replied. "I've always been a bit of an insomniac…and then I became a mother…and let's not forget that your contribution to Katie's late night wake up calls during the first few months of her life was to nudge me and say 'Jo, the baby's crying' and then you'd go back to sleep. I've got this, won't bother me at all to sit here all night. You; you'll be down by two...three the latest and then you'll be dragging at work tomorrow. You'll see that you came into battle ill equipped and without a proper case. Go ahead and forfeit, darling; have your good night's sleep; this really isn't worth all your effort, especially when I was feeling so loving toward you."

Jim smiled and leaned back against the couch. "You're good, sweetheart; closing arguments are still your arena…but I'm afraid I won't be conceding despite your blatant attempt to woo me with your charms. You have forgotten, in your haste to declare yourself the victor, that when it comes to you, I view everything as a challenge…and believe me, Sassy; I have ways of making you talk…and by the time the sun comes up; I'll not only have my answers, I will reclaim those loving thoughts of yours and have you right where I want you."

She laughed. "You're so adorable when you're delusional. You don't stand a chance."

"We'll see," he said good naturedly despite being serious about demanding certain answers.

"I guess we will," Johanna replied. "It's going to be a long night."

"It doesn't have to be…you can tell me what I want to know…you are incriminating yourself with your silence."

Her brow rose as she eyed him. "Maybe that's just what I want you to think."

Jim shook his head. "No; I know you know what's going on…and I want to know what it is no matter how crazy you think it is."

"You know, you're forgetting one thing."

"What's that?"

"The ghost seems to be on my side tonight…that makes it two against one," Johanna remarked. "You're not going to win."

"That's what you think…I'll break you."

She scoffed as she held out her hand for him to shake. "I wish you luck; I'll be sure to wake you in time for work."

Jim took her offered hand. "Who is she?"

Johanna pressed her lips together and turned her gaze to the TV as her hand slid from his.

He sighed; his phone misbehaving again. "Can you at least ask her to cool her heels with the temper tantrum?"

"No, I'm not feeling inclined to do that," she replied. "It works to my advantage and proves my claim that she's my relative."

Jim suppressed a sigh; he had forgotten just how formidable of an opponent his wife when she was firing on all cylinders. He wanted his answers…but he also liked seeing her fire…that peddle to the floor blaze of glory that could flood her veins within moments. He could feel a subtle change in her…something small snapping back into place and it calmed a small portion of his worries…but he wanted to know what the hell Sarah McKenzie had to do with it; and Johanna was going to tell him.

… _to be continued_


	8. Chapter 8

_A/N: Thanks for your reviews!_

Chapter 8- Spiritual Persuasion 

"Are you getting sleepy?" Johanna asked as she glanced at her husband.

"Of course not," he scoffed; although his eyes told a different story. "Why would you think that?"

She shrugged. "Oh I don't know; probably because it's 1:30 and you don't stay up this late without the benefit of illness, stress or…romance."

He reached for her hand and took it. "Every moment with you is a romantic one, sweetheart; so really you shouldn't be surprised."

Johanna smirked. "Are you trying to woo me into submission with those sweet talking ways of yours, Romeo?"

Jim grinned. "I'm always wooing you into submission…tonight; however, since you've been sassy and naughty, I'm wooing you to be submissive in all areas."

"Naughty?" she quipped, her tone dropping an octave as her hand found it's way to his thigh. "You'll know when I'm naughty…and you haven't seen it yet tonight."

He moved closer, his fingertips falling against her bare knee as he skimmed a kiss against her neck. "See, talk like that gives me plenty of motivation to stay awake all night…your game must be slipping."

"Hardly," she scoffed. "That's just your wishful thinking."

"Don't think that I don't know what you're up to," he stated.

"And just what do you think that is?"

"You're trying to lure me with your feminine charms," Jim remarked.

Johanna laughed. "And what gave you that idea?"

He grasped the silky material of her red nightgown. "This," he said, giving it a tug. "This is your seduction nightgown."

"It is not!"

"It is too; that's your 'come and get it' advertisement."

Johanna shot him a look; trying to keep the amusement out of her gaze. "I do not advertise that type of service, Mr. Beckett."

"Yes, you do," he said with a nod. "I know when you're selling sex."

"Selling sex? You're calling me a prostitute now?" she exclaimed.

"No! I'm just saying you're offering something in trade."

"Which is prostitution!"

He shook his head again. "I have never left money on your nightstand."

"It's a good damn thing," she replied.

"I couldn't if I wanted to," he stated; "I don't have enough money to afford the experience that is you…you're so gracious to give it to me freely."

Johanna gave a short laugh. "This is so wrong on so many levels."

"And yet it has a ring of truth," Jim declared. "You're trying to lure me with sex…you think it will make me forget certain things."

"Okay; number one, when have I ever lured you with sex; and number two, if I want you to forget; I'm certain I can wipe your mind clean of thought."

"Well, aren't we sure of ourselves," he teased.

She swatted his shoulder. "Answer the question, when did I ever lure you?"

"Do you have a notepad and a pen so you can make a list?" he asked.

She narrowed her eyes at him. "Just start listing, Clyde."

"Alright, Bonnie; lets go right to your biggest lure of all; you teased me with sex but wouldn't let me have my way until you got what you wanted which was a commitment."

"Oh, you did not go there," she said with a laugh. "First of all, I did not tease you with sex."

"You did," he insisted. "You walked around in skimpy bikinis, short shorts, flirty little dresses and that witch's costume for Halloween..."

"Still dreaming about that disappointment, are you?" she quipped.

"It is one of the wounds I still carry upon my poor soul," he replied.

Johanna laughed. "You poor little thing…let's not forget the hickey you left on my neck that night."

He smiled. "That was a nice one…it's been awhile since I've given you one of those…one more weapon for the arsenal but I digress. You let me rub suntan lotion on you, you let me take liberties…one time you even let me take most of your clothes off and then…"

"Now wait just a damn minute!" she exclaimed. "I had every intention of going through with it that night but _your_ friend called and needed bail money so you don't even get to use that one, buddy boy."

Jim glanced at her. "He's your friend too."

"He didn't call me for bail."

"That's because we were in my room."

"He didn't know that."

"He did after I picked him up."

"You told him!" Johanna exclaimed, her hand smacking against his shoulder.

"A little," he admitted as he dodged her hands.

"Why would you do that!"

"So he'd understand why I hated him in that moment," he laughed.

"Oh my God," Johanna muttered. "What do you do, go out and brag to all your buddies when you score?"

Jim shook his head. "No…I don't have to brag; they can tell by how happy I am when I come to work."

She glared at him. "I told you to get your illicit smiling under control."

"It's not my fault you give so much to smile about."

Jim's phone began to play as it laid on the coffee table. "Maybe we better change the topic; our friend might not like hearing this," she remarked.

"Then she should go home," he replied as he quieted the device.

"I don't think that's going to happen and I'm deeming your first example of a lure as inadmissible in the court of Beckett," Johanna declared.

"Who said you get to be judge?"

"Me."

"Why?"

"Because I have a black robe and I look cute in it."

Jim laughed. "You do look cute in it…why don't you come a little closer so we can have a conference about these proceedings?"

"You're trying to lure me with sex now?" she asked.

"No way; that's your playbook. I was just offering…mediation about our disagreement of example one."

"Example one is moot because a woman has a right to withhold until a commitment is made, and secondly, you did some teasing of your own. In the end, we were both compensated for our troubles…I got a commitment, you got my bed; we all won."

"Okay," Jim said with a nod. "I'll agree on that one. There is the matter of a certain weekend in Pennsylvania…"

"I did not lure you to Pennsylvania…your mother did."

"But you are the one who purposely said nothing when I took the wrong exit."

"I didn't know you took the wrong exit, and you can't prove otherwise, and besides, as I've reminded you before, you told me to shut up. Maybe if you hadn't been distracted by whatever sports game was on the radio, you would've known where you were going," she remarked.

"You say I can't prove it…but there's the matter of your extreme happiness, a bottle of champagne and your promise that I'd have more fun with you in the hotel room."

"As I've said before; I was happy not to spend the weekend with your mother and her sister Theresa. Champagne seemed like a fitting beverage and as for the fun…you looked like you had fun to me," she remarked with a saucy lilt in her voice.

He grinned. "Yeah…it was fun."

"See, I didn't lie."

"No, you didn't lie at all…that was a red hot weekend."

"Yes, I know…I came back pregnant."

His grin widened. "Since our daughter makes it a win win for both of us, I'm going to withdraw the charge."

"Good idea."

"Okay; what about that time in my office?"

"That was you doing the luring, I resisted at first."

"Elevator?"

"You again," Johanna quipped. "You said it was life or death…in fact, you've used that excuse many times."

"All those times at the movies," he remarked.

"You…you were always in a hurry to move on to the end of the evening. I like to take my time."

Jim blew out a breath. "This isn't going the way I wanted it to."

"Those are the breaks, honey. I think my name has been cleared."

"No; I wouldn't say that…let's not forget what steak dinners are followed by."

Johanna sighed. "Okay; to show you that I'm a fair and impartial judge; I will allow any steak dinner occasion; with the exception of announcing my pregnancy, to be admitted as evidence of luring."

"That's good of you."

"I thought so."

"Are you ready to tell me about the ghost?"

"Are you?" Johanna asked.

Jim smirked at her. "Don't make me start pulling out secret weapons."

"I'm familiar with your secret weapons…I know how to handle them and use them to my advantage."

"That's just what I let you think."

"Sure it is," she quipped.

He grinned and dipped his head; finding the exact spot on her neck that he needed to concentrate on. "Don't do that," she murmured half heartedly.

He laughed against her skin. "What's wrong; afraid you can't resist?"

"I can resist."

"I'm not stopping."

"We'll see who wins," she said as she tried to remain strong.

After a few moments she began to melt against him as his arm slipped around her. "Stop," she whispered, feeling his lips leaving fiery trails along her throat.

"Nope…you know you don't want me to."

"That's the problem," she muttered.

"There's a very easy solution," Jim stated.

"What?"

"Tell me what I want to know," he said before capturing her lips in a searing kiss. "And then we'll go upstairs and finish this."

"Admit defeat?!" Johanna exclaimed as she pushed him back. "Never."

His eyes narrowed at her. "I almost had you."

"You almost had me upstairs, but you didn't have the other thing."

"Why won't you just tell me about this ghost that's hanging around?" Jim asked. "Clearly I believe it's here so you shouldn't be worried about feeling weird or crazy for admitting it."

"Maybe it feels complicated," she replied.

"Uncomplicate it."

"Oh yeah; I'm so good at that."

"Jo," he sighed. "Just tell me what's going on."

"Nothing's going on."

"There's a ghost in the house; how can you say that!"

She shrugged. "She doesn't bother me."

"It doesn't bother you that we have a ghost who throws tantrums?"

"Nope; she seems harmless…and if she's family; well then, I'm used to it."

"Okay," Jim said with a nod. "We'll just keep sitting here until you're ready to talk."

Johanna smiled. "We might be sitting here for a long time."

"We'll see about that."

"I guess we will," she quipped.

* * *

"You know; you could just go to bed and we'll forget this whole thing," Johanna remarked later on as the clock hit 2:30.

"And admit defeat? No way. What's the matter, are you getting sleepy?" Jim asked.

"I'm fine…you're the one who has to go to work; once you leave I can go on up the stairs to bed and have a nice little nap."

"That's cold, Jo; really cold."

"Cold but true."

"You always were ruthless in the courtroom," he replied as he stretched.

"You were known to be a little ruthless yourself…in fact, I remember a few times when you were ruthless with the colleague who had to work on a case with you."

Jim eyed her. "What are you getting at?"

"Oh nothing; I just that I remember those lectures about things being done your way because your name was on it…I got that lecture several times, and a few times you even had to bring up that 'I have more experience' line."

"Well I did have more experience than you."

"That didn't mean you had to be arrogant about it," she replied. "Every time you did that I just wanted to smack the hell out of you."

"I'm surprised you didn't," he laughed.

"Me too."

He breathed deeply and tried to stifle a yawn but failed, making his wife smirk in response. "Don't get smug, Sassy; I saw you rubbing your eye a few minutes ago."

"I had an eyelash in my eye."

"Prove it."

She smirked again. "Hey, you're the one yawning, not me. We could make a deal if you want."

Jim's brow rose. "A deal?"

"Yes…are you interested?"

"Maybe…is it going to be worthwhile?"

Johanna nodded. "If you accept the deal, we can go upstairs and go to bed."

"Tell me what the deal is first."

"The deal is; you tell me why you're so interested in Sarah all of a sudden…and if I believe your story, I'll consider answering your questions."

"That doesn't seem very fair."

"I think it's fair; I mean how do I know you aren't just making something up?"

Jim's phone began to play music and the TV turned itself off and on, a gush of cool air sweeping through the room.

"I keep getting the feeling that our ghost doesn't want to be talked about," Jim remarked.

"Or maybe she does…how do we know for sure?"

"I think you know a whole lot more than you let on, Jo."

She shrugged. "Maybe I do, maybe I don't…you won't find out unless you role the dice on our deal."

He _was_ getting tired, Jim mused; and maybe if he was open with her about his own experience, she would open up about hers. "Okay; I'm willing to take the deal; but I want answers after I tell my story."

"Start talking," she replied.

He blew out a breath. "I had a dream this morning."

"A dream?"

He nodded. "There was a woman…"

Johanna gave a small laugh. "You better hope it was a ghost woman because if you're laying next to me dreaming about other women, this night is not going to end well for you at all."

He chuckled a little. "It was nothing like that. I was in our office and this woman; she came to talk to me…she kind of looked like you; sounded like you when she said certain words. She said she was your family."

Her stomach flipped and she pulled her blanket tighter around her to ward off the chill. She had a feeling that her grandmother wasn't happy with Jim's announcement as a few of the books on the bookcase tumbled to the floor and the cordless phone on the stand, which had been disconnected months before, rang, making them both jump.

"Why did she want to talk to you?" Johanna asked; ignoring the tantrum that Sarah seemed to be gearing up for.

"She wanted to talk about you."

"What about me?"

"Does it matter?"

"Yes."

"Why?"

"Because this person must've had a reason to want to talk to you about me. Did she say who she was other than that she was my family?"

Jim nodded; a part of him hating himself for telling her all this when it felt a little crazy…but it had happened and he fully believed that the visitor in his dream was the ghost haunting their home. "She said her name was Sarah."

The office door could be heard being slammed shut and then open, the echo of the door knob bouncing off the wall sounding through the house. The few plates in the sink in the kitchen were rattled, the lights flickering and the phones going off at full volume.

"Uh oh," Johanna said. "Someone's getting mad."

"Yeah; it does seem that way," he replied as he squeezed the back of his neck.

"So what did that Sarah have to say?"

"It wasn't 'that' Sarah," Jim remarked as he picked up the photo album and took out the picture of Sarah McKenzie again. "It was this Sarah."

"How can you be sure?"

"Because I saw her as clearly as I see you…it was as real as you and I sitting here now. There was no denying the resemblance between you…the way she said the word 'not'...it's the same way you say it, same inflection. She was wearing a green dress."

"A green dress," Johanna repeated without meaning to, paling a little as she did so.

"Yeah…but it wasn't modern, it was old fashioned."

She shifted uncomfortably as Sarah continued to rage; she had a feeling that her grandmother didn't want her to know what she had been up to. "What did Sarah say? I notice you keep avoiding that question."

He squeezed his neck again and the gesture put her on edge as he remained silent. "Come on, out with it…I don't think you're crazy if that's what you're thinking."

Jim blew out a breath. "She wanted to talk about you working."

A small flicker of anger began to warm her veins. "What about it?" she asked.

Jim explained the conversation that had taken place in his dream, a tiny knot forming in his stomach as he saw his wife's jaw tighten.

"So let me get this straight," Johanna said; her voice low and even. "You didn't change your mind on your own accord. You only let me help you with your work today because of some dream."

He suddenly realized that he shouldn't have confessed the full extent of his dream; that his quest to push her to answer his own questions was only going to open up a can of worms and it wasn't going to be pleasant. "I didn't say that."

"I don't think you have to," she replied. "Tell me, when you went to bed last night, was your answer still no?"

Jim hesitated, his hand squeezing the back of his neck again. "The truth, Jim," his wife said firmly.

"Yes, my answer was still no."

"So you only changed your mind because of this dream?"

"I guess in a manner of speaking but I meant everything I said in the letter I left you, Jo; I swear I did."

Hurt and anger warred within her. "Why did some dream change your mind when I couldn't? When you were so adamant about your feelings?"

He shrugged. "I guess I felt like she made some good points."

"And I didn't?"

"Jo…"

"No!" she exclaimed; her voice trembling slightly. "I thought you made the decision on your own; that you thought about it and realized that I was still good enough and that there wasn't any harm to come from it. I wanted you to make up your mind on your own, not do it because of some stupid dream."

The lights flickered wildly and there were sounds of more crashes and more books fell to the floor from the bookcase.

"Johanna; what's the difference?"

"There's a big difference!"

"Why? All that matters is that I came around to what you wanted."

"What I wanted," Johanna repeated. "It wasn't just me that I wanted it for, Jim. I wanted you to want it for both of us, so we'd both feel like we were moving on from that fear. You don't really want me to work; you only did it because this dream made you feel like you had to, didn't it?"

"I wouldn't say that."

"Then what would you say?"

Jim sighed. "I'd say that, yes, it helped me make the decision but that I did it for you because I felt it was the right thing."

"But you couldn't see that on your own, you had to have some ghost spook you into it," she said tartly.

"Don't go getting bent out of shape about this," Jim said firmly as the spirit in the house continued to rage. "All that matters is that I gave you the work to do, I meant what I said in the letter, you did a good job and you enjoyed it. Nothing else matters."

"Maybe it does to me," she said softly as she threw back her blanket and got up from the sofa.

"Where are you going?"

"To bed," Johanna answered as she continued on to the staircase.

"But you didn't answer my questions; I thought we had a deal!?"

"You didn't listen to the terms closely; I said I'd consider telling you if I knew something; and right now I'm not feeling very chatty."

"So you let me throw myself into the fire on purpose?" Jim exclaimed.

Johanna whirled around to face him. "How was I to know there was a fire to throw yourself in? It shouldn't surprise you; you've always been good at throwing yourself into fires and digging holes."

"What if I said I made the whole thing up?"

"You'd be a damn liar," Johanna said as she began to climb the stairs. "You can't make something like that up!"

Jim blew out a breath as she stomped upstairs; when would he ever learn to keep his mouth shut? His phone once again sprang to life, making a commotion as he fumbled with it and shut it off. The channels on the television flipped wildly and a cool breeze continued to fill the room. "Shut up, Sarah; you've caused enough problems," he muttered.

The room grew colder and he yelped as he felt like someone flicked his ear as hard as possible. "Stop it or I will call some of those paranormal people to run you out of here," he told the spirit. "Now I see where Johanna got her temper…and all these years I thought it came from Frank."

This time he felt a flick to his nose and he swatted the air in front of him. "You better knock it off," he stated. "You're the one who caused this trouble."

The comment set off another round of the spirit's fury and as the room settled he felt a flick to his other ear. "That's it," Jim said as he got up from the couch. "I'm going upstairs with my wife, who is angry with me thanks to you, but I'd much rather have her company than yours. Leave me alone and don't give me anymore advice and don't show up in my dreams because I'm not listening."

The room remained cold as he turned off the television and the lights. He gripped his phone and headed toward the stairs feeling like he could still feel Sarah's presence. "Clean up the mess you made," he said quietly. "My wife shouldn't have to clean up after your tantrums."

He was rewarded with another flick; this one softer and easily ignored as he climbed the stairs. If Sarah wanted to haunt the downstairs, she could continue to do so, he didn't care. He didn't feel there was any danger to be had from her, even if she did seem to get angry easily.

* * *

Jim entered the darkened bedroom and wasn't surprised to see that Johanna had her back to his side of the bed. He also wasn't surprised to see that she was as close to the edge of her side as possible. It was her usual tactic when she was upset with him; she tried to stay as far away as possible. He sighed and settled into his side and moved toward her.

"Don't," she said firmly but softly.

He ignored her and wrapped his arm around her, pulling her back against him despite her squirming in protest.

"Stop," he murmured as he kept his hold tight.

She stilled beneath his arm but the tension remained in her body. "You know that I love you," Jim said quietly; "And you know that if I do something, I do it out of love for you. Maybe the dream was why I changed my mind but it doesn't mean I lied about the sentiment or betrayed you somehow. I could've ignored the dream and stuck to my word but I didn't. I got up and I went downstairs and pulled a section of work that needed to be done and put it on your desk. I wrote you that letter and I meant every word that was in it…I wasn't trying to pull something over on you; I wasn't afraid of going against the word of some ghostly woman in a dream. I did it for you and that's all that matters. I'm sorry that I told you about that dream, I shouldn't have."

Her body relaxed slightly but he knew that she was still upset with him as her hand didn't seek his.

"It just feels like it means a little less than it did this morning," she whispered.

"It shouldn't."

"But it does…because knowing you didn't make the decision on your own, without outside influence, makes me feel like you still don't really want me to do it."

"God you're stubborn," Jim muttered before pressing a rough kiss against her hair. "If I didn't want you to do it, I wouldn't have let you do it. Why can't you just see that?"

"Probably for the same reason that you can never just understand how I feel right off the bat…you have to keep stepping in it until the light bulb finally goes off in your brain and tells the monkey which switch to flip."

He couldn't help but laugh at her analogy. "So all these years you've been sitting around thinking I have a monkey in my brain manning the switchboard?"

"It could've been worse…I could've said you had nothing in there."

His quiet laughter filled her ear. "I guess that's true…I'm glad you love me despite the monkey switch flipper…who apparently is sometimes slow."

"Mhmm," she muttered.

Jim loosened his hold on her, his hand caressing her side sensually as his lips brushed over her ear. "Can't we just make up, sweetheart?"

"Don't even think about it," she told him as she caught his wayward hand.

"Think about what?"

"About getting overly friendly with me because it isn't going to happen."

"Why not? It isn't like we have anything else to do at three in the morning."

"I could smack you if you're desperate for entertainment."

"That doesn't sound like the kind of fun I had in mind."

Johanna smirked. "I'm sure it's not; you're lucky I let you cross the center of the bed, don't push your luck."

"In all honesty, I had a feeling that plan wouldn't work but I thought you might think less of me if I didn't at least try," Jim quipped.

"I guess the monkey's working one switch tonight."

His body shook with laughter as he held her tightly once again.

"Go to sleep, Jim; you're getting loopy if monkey jokes are getting to you that much," Johanna said as he continued to laugh.

"What do you expect, it's three in the morning, I have an angry ghost downstairs, an angry wife in my bed who's shunned my advances; that monkey is only person on my team at the moment."

Johanna patted his arm. "That's right honey; just you and monkey."

"Should we name him?"

"Oh my God," she muttered as she turned to face him. "Are you serious?"

He shrugged. "Why not?"

"Fine, we'll call him Jackass."

Jim grinned wickedly. "But sweetheart; that's your pet name for me."

She gave him a soft kick under the covers. "Only when you deserve it!"

He laughed. "I think the monkey needs a good name."

"Call him Clyde."

He pondered that for a moment. "Can't use that, Clyde is my road trip name, Bonnie."

"How about you forget the monkey and go to sleep before I wham you with a pillow?"

"Still feeling feisty, huh?"

"Jim," she said sternly. "Kiss me goodnight and go to sleep."

"Well at least you're allowing me one privilege," he said with a smile before he captured her lips in a long slow kiss.

When their kiss ended, Johanna caressed his face. "Sleep now."

"You'll forgive me in the morning?"

"Yes, dear…I always do."

He kept his arm around her, encouraging her to snuggle up against his chest as she always did. He hoped she'd always forgive him for his missteps…and he hoped one day she'd tell him the truth about Sarah.

* * *

"I thought you said you'd forgive me this morning?" Jim said as he looked down at the breakfast Johanna had out before him.

"I forgive you," she stated as she sat down across from him.

"My plate doesn't look like it."

Johanna arched a brow at him. "What are you talking about? You have a perfectly nice breakfast; pancakes, sausage and scrambled eggs."

"There's no bacon."

"You don't get bacon every day; you know that."

"But when you forgive me, I get bacon despite having it the day before."

She smiled. "No honey; you get extra bacon when I want _you_ to forgive _me_."

He thought about that for a moment and then nodded. "My wires are probably crossed from sleep deprivation…but extra bacon is always a good forgiveness gift no matter the occasion."

"I'll keep that in mind."

"I am sorry if I hurt your feelings somehow."

Johanna shook her head. "Let's just forget about last night, okay?"

"I just don't want you think that I don't believe in your ability to do the job or that I don't really want you to have the opportunity because that's not true. I do believe in you and your skill and you're already doing a good job with the part I gave you…I know I made the right decision and I'm glad I made it, because I'm sure I'd regret it if I hadn't."

She reached across the table and gave his hand a squeeze. "I appreciate that and I forgive you; let's just put it behind us."

"Alright," Jim replied; although he knew there was still a part of her that was stung by the thought that he hadn't reached his decision entirely on his own. "I love you."

"I love you too," she told him, a soft smile on her lips. "Eat your breakfast; everything is fine."

"You're sure?"

"Positive," she assured; although she was still highly annoyed with a certain ghost.

"I might have more for you to do after you finish up what you have," Jim remarked as he picked up a bite of his breakfast.

"That's fine…and if you don't have anything, that's fine too, I won't be offended or angry."

"I know," he assured. "I was just letting you know that there could be more."

Johanna managed a smile for him. "We're fine, Jim; please don't worry."

Jim returned her smile; she wanted to let it go and it was probably in the best interest of both of them if he allowed it to fade away as she wished. He'd bring her a rose after work and finish smoothing things over…and if he had anymore dreams, he'd keep them to himself.

* * *

Johanna debated calling for her grandmother later that morning as she sat at her desk but her annoyance with the spirit made her hold her tongue. Maybe it was best if the woman stayed away. Sarah McKenzie was a meddler. She proclaimed that she was trying to help but her tactics felt far from helpful. She had thought that Jim had come to his decision on his own about letting her help with his work…but knowing that he had only changed his mind because Sarah had popped into his dreams and badgered him made the gesture less meaningful in some ways. It stung…and she was somewhat angry in addition to her annoyance. No, she wouldn't call for her; she had probably exhausted herself anyway with the way she had carried on all night. She felt the temperature of the room dip and she groaned slightly; apparently she wasn't going to be spared her grandmother's presence after all.

Sure enough, Sarah appeared in the room, her usual smile missing, her green eyes somewhat regretful and stormy as she approached the desk. Johanna glanced at her and then dropped her gaze back to her papers; ignoring the woman before her.

"You're angry with me," Sarah stated.

"Yeah; I guess I am," Johanna replied tartly.

"You weren't supposed to find out that I paid Jim a visit."

"Well you see how that worked out for you."

Sarah sighed. "How was I supposed to know that he was going to tell you? I thought he could keep things like that to himself."

"Oh, Sarah," Johanna said somewhat condescendingly. "He's a man; men can be led into telling anything if you do it right, you should know that. For God's sake, all women know that after the wedding you start undoing the programming of their mothers and program them the way a wife is supposed to! I've been married for 35 years; there isn't much he can keep from me!"

"I suppose that's true…although I didn't have nearly as much success with your grandfather's training…I wonder what I was doing wrong."

"You were probably a victim of your era is some respects, but that's not what we're discussing. We're discussing your meddling!"

"I wasn't meddling!" Sarah exclaimed.

"If you weren't meddling, then why didn't you want me to find out what you did?"

"Because you'd misunderstand and act like this," she said with a wave of her hand. "Your father always says you're a real McKenzie; he's so very right about that."

"Don't go there, Sarah."

"I don't know why you're so upset, dear."

"I just told you why!" she exclaimed as she took off her glasses and dropped them onto the desk before surging to her feet.

"I didn't meddle."

"Then what do you call it?"

"Doing what was best for both of you," her grandmother said firmly. "If you won't do it for yourselves then someone has to intervene."

"Did you ever consider that maybe he could just stew on it for a few days and come to his own decision about giving in?" Johanna asked.

Sarah scoffed. "Now why on earth would he give in when you stood there in that kitchen yesterday morning and gave him a pretty speech about being resigned to your career being in the past and apologizing for bringing it up in the first place. Really, dear; it was quite disappointing to hear and it made me glad that I had a word with him before you gave him your little talk."

"I meant every word that I told him," she shot back.

Her grandmother regarded her with a raised brow. "And yet you were so very pleased to hold your law degree in your hands once more…after you mentioned how it was just a piece of paper and you didn't know where it was. He gave it to you and you relished the feel of it. He gave you work and you quite enjoyed doing it; you were engrossed in it…not once did you sit down in front of those talk shows and listen to what they were saying about you or your family or your situation. Not once did you go looking at that blog that you've been watching as you try to bait the person behind it. You were focused, you weren't worried, you weren't suffering from any paranoia about who might be lurking outside, you weren't staring at a phone that won't ring and show your daughter's number on the screen; now were you? You were doing the job you were always meant to do and you were enjoying it, you were being yourself, and it felt good, didn't it?"

"Wow," Johanna said sarcastically. "I didn't have you pegged for having a bitchy side, Sarah."

"Well maybe someone has to get bitchy with you," her grandmother retorted. "You weren't very receptive to your mother's tough love tactic. I did what I felt was right for you and I won't regret it or apologize for it. I'm your grandmother; I know what's best for you."

"Oh you do?" she asked. "That's why you didn't let me handle this on my own?"

Sarah gave a sharp nod. "Exactly; because you wouldn't handle it, Johanna; you'd cower and I can't bear to see it. You're my beautiful, strong, brave, sassy granddaughter and she does not cower because other people can't let go of their fears. She overcomes; and when she won't, then someone else has to take the step to make her! You can be mad at me all you want but I'm not sorry and I'll never be sorry. Those stacks of files on your desk are just what you need and we all know it!"

"I wanted him to come to the decision on his own," she said through clenched teeth. "Don't you see; it meant something to me!"

"It still can. All I did was tell him what he needed to hear…you're so desperate to have control…"

"You told me to get control!"

"The right kind of control," Sarah said sternly. "Control of you, of your feelings, of your life. People aren't always going to make their decisions regarding you on your terms…"

"Yeah, no kidding; I hadn't already learned that," she said sarcastically.

"Johanna Elizabeth McKenzie Beckett," the spirit said sharply. "You are spoiling for a fight and there's no call for it. I told your husband what he needed to hear because I love you and I want you to be happy. You don't do him any favors bending to his will all the time…you never use to and you shouldn't start now. You're still so afraid that if you don't stay in line that he'll leave you. He's never going to walk away from you; you need to let that fear go and you'll both be happier."

"Everyone's so good at telling me what to do," she said tartly. "When do I get to tell someone what to do?"

Sarah eyed her. "When you open your mouth and do it like you always have. Now you settle down and behave yourself."

"What if I don't want to?" Johanna asked.

"I'm your grandmother; when I tell you to settle down, you settle down."

Johanna hated herself for it, but reflex at the stern maternal tone had her dropping back into her chair and closing her mouth.

"That's more like it," Sarah remarked. "I don't like to get rough with you but damn it, you provoke it sometimes."

"Such unladylike language," she quipped; her tone still carrying an edge.

Sarah pointed a finger at her. "You save your attitude for the people who need it, kitten; don't sharpen your claws on me. You got what you needed and wanted because Jim needed an extra shove and I gave it to him…although I didn't expect him to have a big mouth about it. I wasn't trying to hurt you or meddle and if you'd stop being stubborn for five seconds, you might see that."

"Maybe we don't have much to say to each other today," Johanna remarked. "I'm not some little girl who needs someone to go get her what she wants."

"You may not be a little girl but you're not good at getting what you want lately."

"Why don't you just go on your rounds and let me be," she retorted.

"My, my, kitten; you're cranky when you don't get enough sleep. I'm surprised you didn't stay in bed and let Jim fend for himself this morning."

"I try to be a good wife even when he makes me mad."

"You don't need to feel angry; you got what you wanted and Jim let go of a fear. Everyone is better off because I interceded."

"Uh huh."

"It's true and you know it."

"It might be true but that doesn't make it sting any less."

Sarah rolled her eyes and sighed dramatically. "Fine, darling; have it your way; I'm throwing myself on your mercy. I'm eternally sorry that I stepped on your toes. Please except my humble apology or I may never know a moment's peace again."

Johanna smirked. "That wasn't so hard, now was it?"

"Does that mean I'm forgiven?"

"I suppose I can forgive you; God knows I don't want your suffering on my conscience. See, I'm capable of getting what I want."

Sarah McKenzie narrowed her eyes and stuck her tongue out at her.

"That wasn't very ladylike either, Grandma."

"Well maybe I don't feel like being ladylike. Maybe you've provoked me into bad behavior."

"You've been behaving badly since last night!"

"Yes, I know. I rather like a good tantrum. It feels so good to be bad sometimes; and I did clean up the mess as your husband asked me to before he went to bed."

"I'm so glad this has been beneficial for you, Sarah," Johanna replied lightly. "Are my visits over? It's been a few days."

Her grandmother shook her head. "You'll be having a visitor very soon."

"How soon?"

"I can't tell you that."

"I guess you still can't tell me who it is either?"

"Nope; can't tell you."

"You're infuriating," Johanna stated but the affection in her tone dampened the statement.

"Yes, I know; I quite enjoy it. Being this type of hands on grandma is really a lot of fun."

"I'm glad you're enjoying it."

Sarah smiled and opened her arms to her. "Come, let me hug you."

Worry coursed through her. "Are you going away? Am I not going to see you anymore?"

Sarah shook her head. "It's nothing like that, dear. I just want to hug my granddaughter."

Johanna rose from her chair and approached her. "How come I'm allowed to touch? I didn't think you could touch a spirit."

"Sometimes you can and sometimes you can't…and the times when you can; well remember, ours is not to question why, darling. Come here."

She hesitantly stepped into the embrace of her grandmother, marveling once again how she felt as whole as any being. She could feel the difference though this time; the embrace was tight, the love and affection felt; but there was no warmth to be felt. She held on to her tighter, trying to make her own warmth felt even though she wasn't sure that was possible.

"I feel it," Sarah murmured as she read her thoughts.

Tears sprang to her eyes for some unknown reason and she squeezed them shut to hold them back. "Don't be sad for me," her grandmother whispered. "Things might not have turned out the way I wished a long time ago; but I've still gotten to be a part of my children and grandchildren's lives; not in the way we all would've liked, but I've been there…I'm always here. I'm getting to have this time with you and I cherish it so very much."

"I do too," she whispered.

"I know you do…that's why I know you'll always forgive me for my little bouts of so called meddling."

Johanna gave a soft laugh. "That's true."

Sarah pulled back from her, her hands moving to cup her granddaughter's face as she pressed a feather light kiss to her forehead. "That's from your Grandpa."

"Tell him I love him."

"I will, darling. I have to go now; I have my rounds to make as you mentioned; but don't worry, my hug wasn't a goodbye; I'll still be popping in when needed or when the mood strikes me. I just wanted to be a grandma who gives hugs."

Johanna nodded. "I'll see you later."

"Until later," Sarah promised with a smile and a nod. "You get some work done."

She gave her a smile of her own and returned to her desk as Sarah vanished, the scent of Chanel perfume clinging to the air and she suddenly remembered that she had often smelled that same scent in her grandfather's house. Her grandmother was right, she had never really left any of them; she stayed as close as she could. She breathed deeply and turned her attention back to her work, doing her best to ignore the dull headache forming behind her eyes. Jim told her she didn't have to hurry with the work, but she didn't want to take too long either and with that thought in mind, she did her best to ignore the ache and set about her task.

* * *

By eleven that morning, Johanna was lying on the couch, the television turned down low and the blinds closed in hopes of keeping her headache from turning into a migraine. She pulled the blue throw around her more tightly as she closed her eyes, thinking that maybe a small nap might do the trick and banish the ache in her head. She breathed deeply and exhaled slowly, willing her body to relax enough to sleep, but before she could drift off, she felt the room grow cold and she groaned. "Not now," she muttered.

"Is that any way to greet me?" a lightly Italian accented voice stated.

Johanna's eyes opened and she bolted upright. "Grandma," she exclaimed, a smile coming to her lips as she caught sight of Sophia Calabrese sitting in the chair across the room.

"That's more like it," her grandmother stated, a warm mischievous smile on her lips.

The instinct to rush into her grandmother's arms as she had always done as a child came rushing back and propelled her to her feet before reality caught up with her and her steps faltered. She froze in place for a moment, an ache spreading across her heart as she forced herself to sit back down.

Understanding flickered in Sophia's eyes, the soft smile clinging to her lips as she rose from the chair and crossed the room to the sofa. She sat down and opened her arms to her granddaughter. "Give me a hug," she demanded warmly.

Johanna shook her head. "It won't be the same."

"No, not entirely…but if you feel it with your heart it will be."

With that thought in mind, Johanna accepted her grandmother's embrace; sinking into the arms that always soothed her when Naomi couldn't. Lilac scented perfume filled her senses and she breathed deeply as her eyes closed; her hold as tight as possible. A feather light kiss brushed against her hair and then Sophia pulled back and studied her. "You're still my beautiful girl," she stated.

"For a woman my age?" Johanna couldn't help but ask lightly.

"Pish," Sophia said with a wave of her hand. "Age is nothing but a number, cara mia; I thought I taught you that."

"You did," she said with a nod and a smile.

"Good; don't ever forget it. I've heard you say that you don't feel your age and I hope you never do."

"I hope the same thing."

Sophia continued to study her, a cool finger reaching out and rubbing across Johanna's forehead. "You're a little pale, Bambina; do you still have those nasty headaches?"

"Yes; but it isn't one of those today; just a normal headache so far. I wish you had your purse though, your bag of tricks would save me a trip upstairs to get whatever over the counter pain reliever is available in the medicine cabinet."

Sophia laughed. "Everyone liked to talk about my purse but it sure was called upon a lot!"

"I loved your purse," Johanna replied. "It had everything you could possibly need. I was so glad you had those tea bags in there during Colleen's rehearsal dinner."

"Me too," she declared. "That was a hell of a night, wasn't it?"

"Sure was; the memory is still lingering all these years later."

Sophia gave a soft laugh. "Memories like that never fade; that was a rough time between you and Colleen…and you're still having a rough time with her."

Johanna sighed, her gaze dipping to the floor before darting back to her grandmother. "Is that why you came to see me? You want to talk about Colleen?"

"No; but we may as well discuss her since she's been brought up."

"What's your lecture going to be about?" Johanna asked. "Maybe we want to get through it first."

"I'm not here to lecture, sweet girl; I'm not going to dredge up your pain. You know all about that and how it's affected you; and by now you should know that everyone understands what happened and it could never change my love for you. You know that, right?"

She nodded. "You're probably the one person I never thought would be disappointed in me."

"That's right; I was never disappointed in you and I never will be. Remember; my arms were the first to embrace you when you came into this world, Bambina."

"I remember."

Sophia smiled. "Your Nona loves you always…and she knows that what you don't need is lectures; you just need some love, understanding and advice…and just an ear to bend about whatever comes to mind today. So you get comfortable and let's have a nice visit."

""I'm so glad to see you, Grandma," she murmured as she settled more comfortably in the corner of the couch.

"I'm glad to see you too darling; although I do watch you from afar as do the others; but seeing you like this is a nice treat indeed," Sophia remarked as she tucked the blue throw around her granddaughter.

"It's been a long time since you tucked me in," Johanna stated as she watched her grandmother's hands tuck the blanket around her.

Her grandmother smiled. "I can't have my girl being cold, especially when you're fighting a headache. Do you remember when I'd come sit with you when you were sick when your mother had to go run errands?"

She nodded. "Yes; you always made me hot chocolate with marshmallows…you told me they were magic marshmallows and that they'd make me feel better."

"And didn't they?" Sophia asked.

"Yes," she laughed. "I wish I had some now."

"I wish I could give you some…I wish I could make all of your troubles go away for you."

"I'm afraid no one can do that…although Sarah seems to be sticking her neck out in some ways," Johanna remarked.

Sophia laughed and patted her granddaughter's knee. "My dear, you're going to have to bear with Sarah; you see, she's held the title of grandmother for a long time, but she's new at being a hands on grandma. She wants to do a good job; she gets a little over eager, but she does it with love."

"I know she loves me…I love her too."

"As you should," Sophia agreed.

"It just felt like she meddled in my marriage a little."

'Well," her grandmother said; "The argument could be made that she did a little meddling…but that's part of a grandma's job description sometimes. Don't be too hard on her, she's still finding her way."

"I won't be…I have forgiven her twice now, you know."

Sophia laughed. "Yes, I know; Sarah and I are good friends."

"Are you?"

"Of course; we share grandchildren; we have a lot in common."

"It's nice to think of the two of you being friends."

Her grandmother smiled. "It's the truth, I wouldn't lie to you."

"I know."

"We mentioned Colleen earlier."

"Yeah; we did," Johanna replied. "But there isn't much to say…I've seen her once since I've been home and…"

"And what?" Sophia asked.

"And it wasn't pleasant."

"I think you can use stronger words than that."

A tight smile appeared on her lips. "She was a total bitch."

Sophia gave a nod. "She was a pain in the ass, wasn't she?"

"Yeah, she was…she's got a lot of nerve talking about what I did to people when she's so inconsiderate and uncompassionate. I had to stay away from my daughter for thirteen years and I would've given anything to be here with her…and Colleen disowns her daughter because she's allowed Paul to convince her that they don't approve of Samantha being a single mother. Who does that? I thought the dark ages were over; for God's sake the girl isn't in high school; she's a grown woman with a job, a vehicle and an apartment; she's taking care of herself and her baby. How can she just throw her child away like that? She talks about me? I didn't leave my child by choice and I'd never disown her. Katie could come home right now and tell me she was having a baby and I wouldn't give a damn that she doesn't have a ring on her finger; my concern would be nagging her into letting me in the delivery room when the time came…and believe me, she's letting me in if I have to cry and beg and guilt trip."

Her grandmother laughed. "Darling; I have no doubt that you will wheedle your way into a delivery room one day; but you see, that's the difference between you and Colleen. You always wanted to be a mother; you have a desire to be a grandmother. Colleen, well, I think we both know that she didn't want to be a mother, let alone a grandmother."

"I know…she didn't want kids, she told me that herself."

"That's why it doesn't bother her too much to send one away," Sophia remarked; "And while I believe that you are truly outraged that your sister could be so callous to her daughter and grandchild; I think there's a part of you that feels the same way Samantha does…abandoned. You and Colleen were close growing up; when she started to crawl, she started following after you, and you, you were a little mother hen to her like she was one of your baby dolls. You always wanted to help take care of sissy…and you took care of her for a long time. You babied her just as much as Naomi did; you fought her battles against Frankie, you helped her with her homework, you helped her make the cheerleading squad, you put up with her meddling in your love life, you put up with her wedding hoopla. You did your best to teach her to cook, you babysat her children, you always gave her a shoulder to cry on. You did everything you could to be the best sister possible to her…and she rarely ever gave you anything in return, did she?"

Johanna squirmed slightly. "I wouldn't say that."

"You wouldn't?"

She shrugged. "Colleen's…well…she's just different. Sometimes she was there when needed, other times she was very self involved, but it wasn't really bad between us, except that year of her wedding."

"Are you making excuses for her?"

"No; why would you say that?"

"Because I think you are. You think that Colleen has earned the right to treat you poorly and so you push aside your feelings about that and only allow yourself to be outraged at the treatment she gives her daughter…but Samantha isn't the only one she's turned her back on. She turned her back on you…and you so badly wanted to see your sister again, to sit and gossip about silly things as you two used to do…to make her birthday cake with the white icing because Naomi isn't here to do it and she still doesn't know how to do it right…because she didn't see a reason to learn when you made them for her once your mother couldn't. You just wanted to be a sister again."

"I am a sister; I have a brother…you remember Frankie, don't you?"

Sophia swatted her. "Don't be a smart ass; you know what I mean; and of course I remember your brother; and I'm so glad that Frankie has stepped up to be a good brother and that he's here for you as he should be. Colleen should be here too…but that girl…she's allowed her head to be filled with such nonsense, she stays under Paul's thumb most of the time and she's so deeply concerned with how everything affects her that she can't take a moment to think about how her daughter feels…how her sister feels…."

"That's her prerogative I guess; I hurt her, I have to take consequences for that."

"You didn't hurt her on purpose," Sophia stated; "And she knows it. She wants to make it all about her. She's a miserable person and she wants everyone else to be miserable too. You're allowed to be disappointed in her treatment of you. You're allowed to be angry that she's too thick skulled to get it. The next time you see her, you give her a piece of your mind…because she needs it, she needs it in a lot of ways and you've always been the one to serve her an ass kicking when she needs it; and believe me, darling; your sister needs her ass kicked up one side of the street and down the other."

"Why don't you do it?" Johanna asked.

"I've been trying to haunt her but she keeps brushing me off as a result of indigestion."

Johanna burst into laughter. "How many packs of Rolaids has she gone through?"

"Enough that she'll never have to worry about calcium loss."

"You know, every once in awhile I'd look at her and think she was kind of stupid but then I'd feel bad and tell myself that she wasn't stupid, she was just lazy…but I think maybe she is a little stupid."

"There's no shame in acknowledging that your sister has a deficiency when it comes to intelligence, we all know it. And you need to know that you're allowed to be angry with her…it doesn't mean you don't still love her; it just means you're not going to be the doormat she wipes her feet on."

"I thought this wasn't a lecture."

"It's not," the spirit replied. "It's advice from your grandma."

"Seems similar to a lecture."

Sophia shook her head. "Grandma advice is wrapped in love; lectures are wrapped in stern language."

"I'm glad you cleared that up for me," she quipped.

Her grandmother smiled. "Since it's been cleared up; do you think you can admit how you feel about your sister?"

Her fingers curled into the blanket. "It hurts me," she said softly. "It hurts me a lot…because if the situation was reversed, I'd just be thanking God that she was alive and I'd want to be there as much as she'd let me, helping her get through it, helping her pick up pieces…I'd be there."

"What else?"

"I'm frustrated; because she won't listen to reason…a lot of people won't. They seem to think I enjoyed what I did and that's so far from the truth that it isn't even funny."

Sophia nodded. "And?"

"There's more?"

"I think you know there is."

Johanna exhaled a heavy breath. "I guess I'm angry in some ways; not just at Colleen but at a lot of people."

"Including Katie," Sophia remarked.

She gave a slight nod. "But I don't have a right to be and I know that."

"You're wrong; you do have a right. You can't keep holding all that down, Bambina; it'll eat you alive and you don't deserve that. Get mad at her; yell at her, push back, do as your mother-in-law suggested, remind her that you're the mother and she's the daughter; not the other way around. You show her what you're made of and even out that scale again. She doesn't get to own the market on hurt feelings and wounds that are scabbing over; you have your own and they're just as important as hers. Stop being afraid; you're brave…remember; don't you still have your bravery stone?"

Johanna smiled a little. "I think there's still one around here somewhere."

"You need to find it and carry it with you; just like you did when you were a little girl starting school."

"I'm trying to do better, Grandma."

Her grandmother smiled. "I know you are, dear; there is something you need to do though."

"What's that?" she asked.

"You need to have some fun, sweetie; you're not having any fun and you're in desperate need of it."

"I have fun," Johanna protested.

Sophia's brow rose. "Oh you do? When?"

She smirked at her. "With my husband…we have plenty of fun."

Sophia laughed. "I mean the kind of fun you have to keep your clothes on for."

"This coming from a woman who once told me, in front of a man I brought to dinner, that I needed to have more sex."

Her grandmother shrugged. "Well you did need to have more, and as for the man, he wasn't bothered by it…he did marry you after all."

"You also told him that night that you needed more grandchildren and encouraged him to make that happen with me."

"He's a good boy; he listened…although it took a little longer than I expected," Sophia remarked.

She laughed. "If it makes you feel any better, he did proposition me that night since you basically gave him permission to."

"I'm sure you said no…although why, I don't know; God knows you both could've used a little fun, it might have sped things along."

"I said no because I didn't want to take the chance of an unplanned pregnancy…I guess you should've dug into your bag of tricks and gave him a parting gift before we left your place that night."

"If I had known you needed some help in that area, I would've made you sure you had what you needed."

"Oh my God," Johanna exclaimed. "You're my grandmother; you're not supposed to say that!"

The older woman laughed. "Oh don't be a prude; you started it by talking about having fun with your husband…and I say good for you; you have that kind of fun as often as you can, it's good for you. You do need to get out more though; I know Jim's working more than he was but you two can make time for more outings."

"I think he gets tired of my worries about being followed," she admitted quietly.

"Or maybe he's just trying not to pressure you so much."

"That's possible too," she agreed. "But believe me; I'd love for us to have a fun, worry free date night."

"Then have one," Sophia encouraged. "You know how to plan an outing. You know how to be spontaneous."

"It's hard for me not to worry though."

"I bet it can be easier than you think."

"How so?"

"You concentrate on what's important instead of what isn't…you concentrate on you and him, not the people around you."

A smile touched her lips. "I guess I could try."

"Of course you could."

"I have a new dress…."

Sophia smiled brightly. "You best find an occasion for it then…you don't want it hanging in the closet being neglected."

"We wouldn't want that," she agreed. "It has been quiet the last several days…we might be able to try our luck."

"Go for it, Bambina; go have a good time with your husband."

"Maybe I could think of something for tonight…before I lose my nerve."

"That's my girl; you just hang on to your courage and focus on what I told you."

"I'll do my best," she promised.

"Now, while I'm glad that you want to have fun with Jim outside of the house; the fact remains that you do need to get out more even if it isn't with Jim as your company. You need to have fun; you need to enjoy yourself."

"It's hard to go out and have fun when you don't have any friends, Grandma."

"Don't say you have no friends; you have Jim."

"Yes; and he's my best friend…and while he does take me on the occasional shopping trip; I don't want to subject him to it too much. Besides, I believe you were implying that I needed to have fun with other people as well."

"Yes, that's true; I just hate to hear you say you have no friends."

"I know…I guess I can't say I have no friends at all…it's just that I don't have any girl friends. The only friends who have really accepted me are Jim's friends; and while I've known some of them for as long as I've known Jim, it's…"

Sophia nodded. "It's not the same as having your own set of friends."

"Right. I don't really have anyone to do girl stuff with. Val and I went out shopping once but we were both a little on edge once we spotted that photographer. I met up with Sharon once…and that didn't go well. I don't really like to go out by myself too much right now."

"Take Katie."

Johanna scoffed. "Katie doesn't like to come out and play too often. She rarely comes around just to visit."

"Why do you think that is?" Sophia asked.

"Because she still has some anger. She resents me for the media intrusion in her life. I annoy her by being emotional and not living up to the rosy image she convinced herself to have of me."

Sophia eyed her. "What else?"

"Isn't that enough?"

"No; there's something else…something that you can't claim the blame for," her grandmother replied. "Come on, say it; you don't have to hide it from Nona."

"I think you already know."

"Say it anyway; I think you need to."

Johanna sighed. "But I hate to say it…I feel bad even thinking it."

"There's nothing wrong with it, just say it."

She took a breath. "She has her head too far up Rick's ass. I hate saying that; I like Rick; he's a good man and he does his best to suppress any bad feelings he has about me. Once in awhile they slip but I don't hold it against him. I just get so sick of her using that relationship as her excuse to shun people. My God, sometimes I want to ask her if they're capable of breathing without the other one knowing how long the breath lasted. It's like they have no life outside of their relationship. It sounds terrible of me to say but it's true; even Jim's mentioned it and if he's mentioning it, it's bad. He likes to meet up with her for lunch every once in awhile and when he can get a yes out of her, he has to specify that she come alone because he knows if he doesn't, she's going to bring Rick with her; and while he has nothing against Rick; he likes him; he just wants to see his daughter alone sometimes. Hell; I'd like to see her alone sometimes but it rarely happens; he's always right there behind her or out in the car or occasionally offering commentary on her phone conversations. It's like they can't function separately."

Sophia laughed softly. "It does sound like she has a problem with balance."

"Yeah, and the problem is, she has no balance at all…because the other end of the scale got so tired of dangling in the air all the time that it finally just fell off. I don't say anything to her about it; God knows I have enough problems without pissing her off further by talking about her lack of thought about anyone else…but sometimes I'd just like to slap her upside her head and say 'hey, do you remember who you are without your relationship status attached to it? Are you still Kate or are you just KateandRick now? I sound like terrible mother, don't I?"

"No; darling; you sound like an honest one. You feel like she's losing herself and it worries you."

"It does," she admitted. "Maybe that's just how it's done these days, I don't know…maybe I'm old fashioned. I keep looking back at the beginning of my relationship with Jim, trying to see if we were like that but I don't really think we were. I mean, sure we spent a lot of time together; we spent our weekends together at his place or mine…but I still had time for my family, my friends, I had time to myself. Jim went and seen his family; he did things with his friends, he had time to himself. I don't feel like I'm putting on rose colored glasses about that, am I?"

Sophia shook her head. "No, dear; I really don't think you are; your habits in regard to me didn't seem to change once you were with Jim. You still called, you still came and visited, you came and took me on my errands when your mother couldn't. You'd bring Jim with you when I'd invite you both to dinner, but other than that you always came alone; that was our time together. I know you had dinner with your parents on Sundays, unless there was a squabble, you did other things with your mother as well; you spent time with your sister, you had meals with Frankie and Valerie; babysat Greg. I'd say you kept yourself balanced back then; I never heard any complaints, and believe me, if Naomi had felt that you were neglecting her, she would've been on the phone crying to me about it and asking me what to do about it."

Johanna sighed softly. "I wish I knew what to do about it…I wish I didn't feel afraid to say things to her, but I am."

Her grandmother's hand closed over hers. "Don't you dare let her have that power, Johanna. If you let her think she can shove you in a box and silence you with fear, she'll keep doing it and it's not good for either one of you. So what if she gets mad; she'll come back when she gets over it. You've already been striking back in a small way by not being the one to bend where phone calls are concerned. You have to keep fighting back; she doesn't get to have all the power; you take back your share."

"It just kind of came as a surprise, you know? We got so much closer while I was staying with her and now she's backed away again and I feel like Jim's suffering too because of that balance issue she has," she said with a soft scoff. "Everything is Rick; his family sees her more than we do…his mother sees her more than her own mother. I gave birth to her but Martha gets more of her time than I do…seems like she saves the best for other people's mothers and the hell with her own. I was just the one in labor for 22 hours but hey, it was nothing, right?" she laughed. "And technically, it was more like 22 hours and 45 minutes…and I felt every single one of those minutes, but sure, give all your time and kindness to someone else's mother."

"Now we're getting somewhere," Sophia declared as she clapped her hands together. "Is this bond between Katie and Martha one of the reasons you don't make much of an effort at pursuing that budding friendship with Rick's mother?"

"Martha and I talk once in awhile; she's always busy and I understand that. I don't make demands on people."

"But you feel like she's taking your role in your daughter's life."

"I don't feel that way…I don't feel like she's 'taking it', I feel like my daughter is giving it to her freely. They have family dinners, Katie goes to her events. You know, Katie told me, back when I was staying with her, that we'd go to the theater together and we haven't gone…but she went with Martha and Alexis…I wasn't invited."

"And it hurt your feelings," Sophia remarked.

"Yeah, it did," she replied tartly. "And I don't care if it sounds petty; she's my daughter, not Martha's. I don't have anything against Martha; I like her, I think she's wonderful…but she's not her mother. I have no doubt that one day she'll be Katie's mother-in-law but she doesn't need to suck up to her that much. You're supposed to give your best to your own mother, not your boyfriend's mother. I want us to rebuild our bond; I'm not naïve enough to think it's going to be the same as it was years ago but I don't think I should be made to feel like I can only be her mother when it's convenient for her. What the hell is wrong with her?"

Sophia smiled. "She doesn't have her priorities in order…she thinks about herself a lot…in a small way; she's like Colleen in that respect."

"I know," she whispered. "I hate to say it…but I see it…just like I see shades of Frank McKenzie in her, and shades of Elizabeth Beckett. I feel like seeing those things in her means that I'm seeing her in a way I don't want to and it scares me sometimes. I don't want us to have troubles all the time. I want things to be good between us again…we got so much better only to have these setbacks and I just keep trying and trying…and I don't feel like she tries at all. I'm just a burden she has to carry and I hate it."

"Then fight back," Sophia remarked. "Reclaim your place by fighting back. Show her that you can do to her what she does to you…don't jump every time the phone rings, don't let her walk on you; every time she shoves you, you get up and shove her back. If you want to be her mother, then you get up and adjust her attitude like you always did before. You remind her who you are…you show her. When she gets a taste of her own medicine, she might open her eyes and pull her head out of the sand…or that young man's backside and realize what the hell she's doing. I love that girl with all my heart, Johanna; but like your sister, she may need a good ass kicking herself to put her back on the straight and narrow."

"She thinks because she's got a badge and gun that she's the boss of the world," Johanna replied. "It's her excuse just as much as Rick is. She has so many excuses…and me to blame it all on when she needs a scapegoat."

"Quit letting her to do it; she can only treat you this way if you allow it. You need to find balance with her as well…you let her get away with far too much. Stop it; you're not doing either one of you any favors."

"I know…and I don't like feeling afraid; but I missed her for so long and I don't want to lose her just when I had her back…because I know Katie wouldn't have any qualms about walking away from me and not looking back. She knows I'm alive, the threat has been removed, she doesn't need me to be her cause anymore…she doesn't seem to need me for anything when you get right down to it. It wouldn't bother her to walk away…it would bother me though."

Sophia squeezed her hand. "If she walks away; she'll come back when she finds her way, I promise you. I know it's scary, but you have to fight back, you have to be the woman she knows you are deep down inside and that woman is a fighter…she has a temper and unleashes it, consequences be damned."

"I've got to do better," Johanna agreed. "I've got to get back some control."

"Yes, you do…and you've got to get some fun back in your life to help battle these dark clouds that chase you now and then, Bambina."

She smiled. "You know, I really do feel like putting that dress on tonight and having a good time…just letting everything go tonight."

Her grandmother smiled. "Then you should; I bet Jim will be surprised."

"I'm sure he will be…date nights have been left up to him so far…I need to get back in the game."

"Atta girl; you go out tonight and have a good time, no worries…just the two of you, nothing else matters."

"I like the sound of that…and even though I feel bad for some of the things I've said about my daughter, it did feel good to say them."

"Of course it did," Sophia replied. "You're allowed to be frustrated with her; your mother was frustrated with you at times and I was frustrated with your mother at times. That's the way of life, darling. And you do have someone else you can say those things too…Valerie will listen, she'll understand; you don't have to hold it in."

"You're right, I could confide in Valerie more about those feelings."

"That's right…and give it a try going shopping with her again. Even if someone is out there taking your picture, it'll be alright, you both can handle it and if you feel frightened, help is only a phone call away."

"I'm going to try to do better, Grandma; I promise."

"I know, Bambina," she said warmly as she cupped her cheek. "You're going to be okay; you just have to find your way, and you always do; and remember, I'm always with you and I'm always proud…I love you always."

"I love you too," she whispered as tears stung her eyes.

"I'm going to have to be going," Sophia said gently.

"I'm not ready for you to leave yet…can't you stay a little longer? I have other things we need to talk about."

"Like what?"

"I still can't make that damn bread like Nona made," Johanna admitted. "You have to stay and tell me what I'm doing wrong."

Sophia smiled and held her gaze. "You're kneading the dough too much, you're not letting it sit long enough to rise properly and you need to quit opening the oven door to check on it."

"That's it?"

"Yes…the bread requires patience. Take your time, sweetheart, you don't need to rush."

"That's what Mom used to say about the piano."

Sophia nodded. "You get in a hurry to make things perfect…sometimes you just have to stop and smooth out the kinks. It's not always a pleasant task, but you'll like the end result better."

"I think I get it," Johanna murmured.

"Good, you keep it in mind…and you be brave…and have fun."

She smiled. "I'll do my best."

Sophia reached for her and embraced her once more. "No tears when I leave…I'm not really gone. I'm always watching over all of you and I pop in your dreams from time to time."

"You can pop in anytime, especially like this, if you want," Johanna replied, her throat tight with emotion as she tried to hold the tears back.

Sophia kissed her forehead. "Have a good time tonight…and remember, bear with Sarah, she's still learning the grandma game."

"I will…I love you, Grandma."

"I love you too, Bambina. We'll talk again…no tears."

She gave her grandmother a nod, forcing herself not cry as Sophia pulled away and faded from sight. It wasn't an easy promise to keep but she kept her tears at bay as she focused her mind on the thought of going out that night, and as she did so, she realized that her headache was gone…it felt like Sophia had brought a cure after all.

* * *

"Jo," Jim called out as he walked through the house late that afternoon when he got home from work.

"Upstairs," she answered.

Jim took his briefcase into the office and left it on his desk and then headed upstairs to find out what his wife was doing and to give her the rose he had brought home as an extra peace offering in regard to the dream he shouldn't have mentioned. He didn't smell dinner cooking so he figured she had ordered out or that she was debating it. He didn't mind if she wanted a night off from cooking; she deserved it.

He stepped into their bedroom expecting to find her lounging on the bed as she watched TV but she wasn't there. His eyes scanned the room and found her seated at her vanity, her makeup strewn across the top instead of neatly tucked away in her shiny black makeup bag.

"Hey," Johanna said with a soft smile as she glanced at him. "You're a little early tonight."

"I finished things up a little earlier than I thought I would today," he said as he approached her and held out the rose he had in his hand.

She smiled as she accepted it. "What's this for?"

"I figured the one in the vase on your desk probably needed a friend given last night's less than stellar conversation."

Johanna shook her head. "It's okay…sometimes I'm just sensitive."

"I know…but sometimes I'm insensitive."

Her lips curved upwards in an amused smile. "We're quite a pair."

"Always have been," he quipped as he reached out and caught hold of a loose curl. "You curled your hair; do you have a hot date tonight that I don't know anything about?"

"As a matter of fact I do," she said lightly as she rose from the bench.

"Oh? Anyone I know? I don't want to have to shoot the wrong person."

She gripped his jacket and brushed a kiss against his lips. "It's you."

"Me?" he asked.

"Would you rather it be someone else?" she asked quizzically.

"It better not be anyone else!"

"Well then don't look so surprised," Johanna laughed.

Jim looked at her oddly. "What are you up to?"

"Nothing; I just thought it would be nice if we went out tonight."

"Out?"

She eyed him. "You didn't hit your head today, did you? You're repeating key words for some reason."

"No, I didn't hit my head. Are you feeling okay?"

"Obviously," she remarked.

"You're volunteering to go out?"

"Yes."

This seemed somewhat odd to him; after all, he usually had to be the one to bring up the idea of date night and while she enjoyed their outings as much as she could given the circumstances at times, he knew she was somewhat leery about venturing out when it got dark.

"What brought this on?"

"I thought it would be nice."

"I thought we had plans to go out tomorrow," he replied.

"We do but it was my understanding that it's a daytime outing and I didn't see any reason why we couldn't go out tonight too."

"We don't have any reservations."

"There are plenty of places to go in this city that doesn't require a reservation," Johanna remarked as she smoothed the skirt of her dark red dress. "I'm sure we won't have a problem finding somewhere to eat and something to do afterwards."

"Like what?" Jim asked.

"I don't know," Johanna said as she threw her hands up in exasperation. "We live in New York City; there's bound to be something to do."

"It's kind of last minute."

"It's called being spontaneous," she retorted. "We used to be that way once upon a time."

"We're still spontaneous!"

"I meant outside of the house."

Jim raked a hand through his hair. "It's just kind of sudden to decide to go out," he told her. Not having to coax her threw him for a loop and he'd had an aggravating day at the office and wasn't sure he felt up to it.

She frowned, disappointment flashing in her eyes. "You don't want to go?"

He shrugged. "I just wish we had talked about it."

"I just thought it would be a nice surprise…but you're probably tired from work and neither one of us got a lot of sleep last night. I guess it was a bad idea for tonight, I'm sorry," Johanna said as she stepped out of her heels and pushed them under the vanity bench.

"It's not a bad idea…we just don't have any plans."

"There was a time when we didn't need any," she said softly. "We just got in the car and drove away for two weeks."

"Yeah, but we're not going on a road trip right now; we're talking about dinner."

A small smile touched her lips. "I know. I better go get dinner started; you're probably hungry. I'll find something that doesn't take too long."

Jim watched her hurry from the room and then squeezed his eyes shut and berated himself. She was dressed up, her hair and makeup done; volunteering to step out into the world for a few hours even though darkness was quickly approaching. What was wrong with him?

"I'll tell you what's wrong with you," a feminine voice stated. "You've got peas for brains."

Jim's eyes opened, seeking out the owner of the voice…a voice he was pretty sure he had recently heard in his dreams. Sure enough, the spirit from his dream stood in the room with him, her hands perched on her hips and a glare on her face that reminded him of his wife when she was perturbed.

"What are you doing here?" he asked; wondering if maybe he was losing his mind.

"I'm here wishing I had a skillet so I could wham you one," Sarah remarked; "And no, you're not losing your mind…although at the moment I'd say you don't have much to work with."

"That's not very nice, Sarah…it is Sarah, isn't it?"

"You know it is."

Jim nodded. "I was under the impression that ghosts can't hurt people."

"Sometimes we make an exception," she quipped; her chin jutting upwards, making him smile in response.

"You're definitely related to Jo."

"I don't believe I ever denied it."

"Why are you haunting my house?"

"I'm not haunting; I'm staying close to my loved ones…and I love my granddaughter very much."

"How could you not?" he asked; his tone softening.

"Don't try to sweet talk your way out of this; you already made me mad!"

"Does Jo see you like this? Is that her big secret?"

"If she does, and I'm not saying she does, that's her business to share, not mine. Quit trying to change the subject."

Jim sighed. "What did I do now?"

"You know what you did."

"I had a long day."

"She's had a string of long days…and this day she decided to take another one of those baby steps. It's something you've been wanting her to do…it's another step in the journey of her feeling better and moving on."

"I know…"

"So what's the problem?"

"It just seems like it's happening kind of fast, I guess."

"She's been struggling for months," Sarah reminded him. "It's time she takes small steps. Going out tonight doesn't mean she's going to want to run wild; she just wanted to go out and have a nice time with you…to surprise you with the fact that she came up with the idea on her own. She looks so lovely tonight, don't you think?"

He smiled as he nodded. "She always looks beautiful."

"Yes; but even more so when she takes a little extra care just for you…and she does do it for you, you know?"

"I know."

Sarah eyed him. "Don't you think that maybe you could indulge her…and that maybe in the course of that, your long day might be soothed and forgotten?"

"I suppose it could be."

"I think you know it could be…your father said he didn't raise you to know so little about women, especially when it comes to a woman you've known for nearly four decades."

Jim's head jerked toward the spirit once more. "My father?"

She nodded. "I know Robert very well…and he's always with you…and he's never stopped being proud of you; so those moments when you harbor that thought; you just rest assured that it isn't true."

He smiled a little; it was a comfort to know such things. "He'd tell me I better get my ass downstairs and take her out like she wanted."

Sarah's brow rose. "I'm telling you to get downstairs and take her out…and for God's sake, keep your damn mouth shut about our little chat this time. I could've just throttled you last night…and if you let this cat out of the bag in an untimely manner again, you will have no peace for a very long time, I assure you."

"Noted," Jim remarked. "She's probably already starting dinner though and I need to get ready."

The spirit before him smiled. "Oh don't worry, dear; I'll take care of that. Run along and do what you need but don't take too long."

Jim began to move across the room to the door but Sarah's voice made him pause once more.

"Your threats of ghostbusters don't scare me and they can't get rid of me so you may as well save your breath on those threats."

He smiled. "But then you wouldn't feel like family."

"Don't sweet talk me, young man; you're still walking a fine line with me."

"This is bizarre," he couldn't help but comment as he continued on his way to the door.

"You're still not losing your mind; I assure you, spirits are roaming everywhere."

"Good to know…I guess you'll be around."

"Count on it."

* * *

Johanna punched the buttons on the microwave for what she knew was the fourth time and still the damn thing wouldn't work. Frustration flooded her veins and she popped the door open and took the bowl of vegetable soup out and set it on the counter. She'd just have to heat it on the stove, she thought to herself as she got out a pot and sat it on the burner. She dumped the soup into the pot and turned on the burner but it didn't take her long to discover that the burner didn't come on. Her brow furrowed; what the hell was going on?

She turned on the other burner to see if it worked and discovered that it wasn't functioning either…none of them were. She turned on the oven but it didn't begin its pre-heat cycle as it normally would…it remained cold. It made no sense; her kitchen was perfectly functional that afternoon when she made tea and that morning when she made breakfast. The refrigerator was working…but not the stove or microwave.

"Jim," she yelled. "My kitchen's broke; get down here and fix it!"

Jim had just reached the bottom step when he heard his wife's plea and he couldn't help but smile; their ghostly friend hadn't lied…she had made sure that dinner couldn't be cooked.

"What's wrong, sweetheart?" he asked when he reached the kitchen.

"The stove isn't working and neither is the microwave…fix it; fix it now; I can't live like this," she declared.

He laughed quietly. "I'm sure it's nothing and we'll worry about it tomorrow; we're going out tonight."

Johanna shook her head. "You're tired; we'll go out tomorrow like we planned. Now fix my kitchen or I won't be able to sleep tonight."

"The breaker probably needs flipped; I'll do it when we get home."

"If it was the breaker, shouldn't everything in the kitchen be off?"

As soon as the words left her lips, the kitchen plunged into darkness. "There you go," he said. "It's definitely the breaker; I'll take care of it later."

"Now."

"Jo; I want us to go out like you planned," he said; wishing Sarah had left them with a little light so that he could see her face.

"You're just afraid of hurting my feelings," she murmured; "And I promise you're not."

Jim tugged her along with him and out of the kitchen so that he could see her in the light from the hallway; grateful that Sarah hadn't plunged the entire house into darkness. "I want us to go," he said as he held her gaze. "I had a long day and the perfect thing to cure that feeling is an evening spent with you…and if you want your kitchen fixed, you'll agree that we're going as planned or I'm not lifting a finger to fix it."

Johanna smiled. "I definitely want my kitchen back to working order so I guess we're going as originally planned."

He hooked a finger beneath her chin and pulled her closer for a kiss. "I'm proud of you," he murmured.

"For what?"

"Just because," he told her. "Go put your shoes back on and get your coat and your bag; I'll go flip the breaker."

"There's soup on the stove that needs put away."

"I'll get it when I come upstairs," Jim assured. "Let's get a move on, I'm hungry."

"We could've already been on our way if you had made up your mind sooner."

He smiled. "It's good to see that you're having fun already, sweetheart; I know how you enjoy pointing out the error of my ways."

Johanna pressed another kiss to his lips. "I do enjoy it a little. I'll finish getting ready and be down in a minute."

"I'll be waiting," he told her; smiling as she hurried up the stairs. Suddenly his day didn't seem so bad after all.

* * *

Johanna was feeling perfectly warm and content later that night as she and her husband moved slowly to the sound of an old love song on the radio. There was no need for words, she mused; there rarely ever was after those first few songs when they'd dance in the kitchen. All that was needed was each other; the closeness between them as they moved together, soft kisses and touches along the way. She closed her eyes and nuzzled against his neck, breathing in his scent and soaking up his warmth. She could stay in moments like this forever, she thought to herself as his arm tightened around her. The evening had gone so well; they had gone to a quiet restaurant for dinner and then found a nice little club geared toward their generation to hear a cover band that was playing. They had even strolled the sidewalks a little bit; entering a few stores and browsing before finally landing at the coffee shop they had gone to the night of their first kiss. They had talked and laughed and had fun…there were no worries, no paranoia about being followed. It had just been them, back in their bubble, enjoying their time together. Dancing in the kitchen was just the thing to top off their night, she thought to herself…not that she had to ask twice, he'd been more than willing to indulge her.

Her phone rang as it laid on the counter, startling both of them and causing them to pull back a step from each other although Johanna made no move to grab it.

"Aren't you going to get that?" Jim asked quietly.

"No," she breathed as she moved closer again, looping her arms around his neck. "I'm busy."

Jim was close enough to the counter that he was able to pick up her phone and see the identity of the caller. "It's Katie," he told her, part of him hating himself for looking because surely she'd want to answer now and their little bubble would be burst. It was selfish of him to feel that disappointment, knowing how unsteady things could be between his wife and daughter…but tonight when everything seemed so perfect, when she seemed to be free of worry and care, he didn't want to share her…not even with Katie.

Johanna shook her head. "Not tonight," she whispered as she took the phone from his hand and hit ignore.

Shock flicked across his features. "But you've been waiting for this; for her to call…"

She put the phone back on the counter and wrapped her arms around him once more. "I can wait one more day," she murmured. "She can call back tomorrow…when it's convenient for me for a change."

"Are you sure you don't want to call her back now?" he asked as he nuzzled her hair; berating himself for even asking.

"I'm sure," she said softly before capturing his lips in a kiss. "I just want this tonight…I just want you."

Jim smiled and held her a little tighter. "She can wait," he agreed.

Her eyes gleamed with a mixture of love, sassiness and seduction. "I just feel like being incredibly selfish tonight," she remarked; her fingers slipping into the hair at the nape of his neck. "I just want to have exactly what I want."

Desire rushed through his veins, making him dip his head to catch her lips in a passionate kiss. "I'm fully encouraging that behavior, sweetheart."

"That's good to know," Johanna murmured, her lips skimming his. "I wouldn't want you thinking less of me."

"Never," he replied with a shake of his head; an amused twinkle in his eyes. "Curiosity begs that I ask you what exactly it is that you want tonight."

A sly smile spread across her lips as her hand slid down his chest in a caress. "How about you make sure the house is locked up and then come upstairs and I'll tell you all about what I want."

He grinned. "Will there be demonstrations?"

Johanna kissed him. "Wouldn't be much fun without demonstrations, now would it?"

"No, not at all."

"I do have a rule for the rest of our evening," she said warmly as she toyed with a button on his shirt.

"Name it."

"My phone is being left down here on the counter; if you bring yours upstairs, it must be turned off once you cross the threshold of our room…I don't want any interruptions."

Jim gave her a smile and pulled his phone from his pocket and laid it on the counter with hers. "As far as I'm concerned I don't even own a phone at the moment."

"Good boy," she quipped, pressing another kiss to his lips before stepping back from him.

He chuckled quietly. "What got into you today?" he asked, unable to stop himself from pulling her close once again, his hands roaming over her sensually.

Johanna shrugged, her eyes sparkling in the dim kitchen light. "I just felt like having fun…I thought we both could use it…and I'm not ready for it to end."

"This is a lot…" Jim began to say and then trailed off before he could say the words 'better than last night'."

Johanna eyed him in amusement and kissed him once more. "The monkey flipped the right switch just in time; good job."

Jim laughed. "I had a talk with the monkey; he's going to do better at flipping switches faster."

"That's good to know," she replied. "I'll be upstairs…don't keep me waiting for long."

"Believe me, I won't," he told her as he gave her a gentle swat on her backside. "I'll be there in a minute."

Johanna gave him a smile and grabbed her discarded shoes from the floor and left the kitchen; leaving him to his nightly routine as she headed for the stairs. A flicker of light down the hallway near the office doorway caught her eye and she turned her head to catch sight of not just one grandmother but two. Sarah and Sophia were standing there smiling, giving small claps of approval. She waved her hand at them in a shooing motion, "Get out of here," she whispered; her tone lacking the bite the statement probably needed. "I'm busy."

The spirits giggled. "Oh we know," Sophia said wryly. "Good for you. You see, you listen to your Nona, I know what's best for my bambina."

"We," Sarah interjected. "We know what's best."

"That's right," Sophia replied. "You listen to both of your grandmas."

"Yeah; I will; I love you both now get out of here before you kill the mood."

The spirits laughed and disappeared into the office, leaving Johanna to shake her head as she climbed the stairs. That was all she needed, two cheerleaders in the house cheering on her chosen method of fun tonight. She shook her head again, dislodging that thought as she walked into their bedroom and moved to the dresser, finding the box of matches so that she could light the candles. Tonight there would be no worries, no fears, no ghosts…just fun, freedom and love…and tomorrow could take care of itself.


	9. Chapter 9

_A/N: Thanks for your reviews!_

Chapter 9- Fire and Ice

"Hey Beautiful," Jim said as he brushed the hair back from Johanna's face the next morning. "Wake up."

Johanna breathed deeply and kept the covers pulled tightly around her but her sleepy eyes flicked open. "What are you doing?" she murmured.

He brushed a kiss against her lips. "Waking you up."

She glanced at the clock and saw that it was nearly ten. "Why did you let me sleep so long?" she asked as she rubbed her eye.

"Because you looked relaxed and peaceful…and you earned it," he said warmly, making her blush.

"I'm surprised you're up…sometimes we sleep in together."

"I had some things to do," he answered.

"Like what?"

"Like getting you this," he said as he leaned down and picked up a rose from the floor.

Johanna smiled as she accepted it. "What's this one for?"

"To say I'm sorry for my brief reluctance last night," Jim remarked before pressing a soft kiss to her lips.

"It's okay; I wasn't mad. I caught you off guard."

"But still, I'm sorry," he replied. "If I hadn't adjusted my attitude I would've missed out on a great night."

She caressed his face, a sleepy smile clinging to her lips. "It was a great night, wasn't it?"

"It was," he agreed as he leaned down and picked up another rose and handed it to her.

Johanna giggled. "What's this one for?"

"For being spontaneous and planning an evening out for us…and because I'm proud of you, for wanting to go, for pushing aside the nerves you have about being out at night."

"That's so sweet of you," she murmured.

He picked up yet another rose and gave it to her. "Another one?" she laughed.

Jim nodded. "That one is to thank you for not answering the phone when it rang last night."

"I don't regret it a bit, just in case you're wondering," she remarked as she held her three roses.

"I'm glad to hear that; because I have no regrets in being so happy that you ignored it."

She laughed quietly. "Who knew that ignoring a phone could be so wonderful?"

Jim picked up a fourth rose and offered it to her. "My you've been busy," she proclaimed, adding the offering to her small bouquet. "What is this one for?"

"That one is to ask if you mind if we move our plans for this afternoon a little later in the day; Michael called and wants me to help him with his car and since we've been a little…distant lately, I thought maybe I should go."

"Of course I don't mind," she told him. "You should go help him; maybe it'll help smooth things over."

"We should be able to get out by three," he replied. "We'll still be able to do everything we planned."

"It's fine, honey," she said softly as she sat up and wrapped her arms around him for a hug.

Jim hugged her tightly, drinking in the feel of the warm skin of her back and breathing in the faint scent of her perfume. He threaded a hand through her loose tangled curls, smiling as she pulled back enough to look at him, love and affection in her eyes. "What are you thinking about?" his wife asked softly.

"You."

"What about me?"

His fingertips traced the line of her face. "That you're beautiful and I love you."

"I love you too," she whispered.

He pulled away reluctantly and scooped up the six remaining roses on the floor and held them out to her.

"More?" she asked.

Jim nodded. "These are to thank you for last night," he told her, his tone low and loving, tinged with desire and passion that made her shiver.

A sly smile slid across her lips even as a blush spread across her cheeks. "There's no thanks necessary," she murmured.

He caught her lips in a kiss. "There is to me."

The smile remained on Johanna's lips at she looked at her collection of roses and counted them. "Ten roses in one morning…I must be special."

Her husband grinned. "You are special…you're a ten."

She laughed, her cheeks still stained with a soft blush. "I don't know about that."

"Trust me, I do."

She caressed his face; her eyes shining with warmth and love. "You're an eleven."

Jim smirked at her. "You just have to top me, don't you?" he asked as he tickled her side.

"I'm not even going to respond to that because you'll make it dirty," she quipped.

He laughed. "Me?! Apparently you're the one thinking along those lines…not that I disapprove."

She gave his shoulder a light swat. "If I'm thinking that way it's only because I know how you are."

He chuckled as he dipped his head to press a kiss against her bare shoulder. "Let's call a truce on that."

"It's a deal, handsome."

"You sweet talking me?" Jim asked as he began to push her back against her pillow.

Johanna put her hand against his chest and remained seated, her roses still clutched in one hand. "I thought you had to go help your brother?"

"He can wait."

She giggled softly. "You better go; you don't want to make him angry…and besides; the sooner you get finished with him, the sooner you get to come back and we get to go out…and who knows where that might lead later."

Jim smiled. "You have a good point."

"I usually do."

He tickled her side once more, making her squirm before he forced himself up from the bed. "Alright, sweetheart; if you insist on sending me away."

"I'm not insisting! I'm just helping you keep your word to your brother…and I'll have to take these flowers downstairs soon and put them in water with the others."

"You'll have a full dozen when you add them to the two downstairs," he remarked.

"Yes, I know," she replied, a note of amusement in her voice. "You're such a good husband."

"I'm the best," he teased.

Her smile softened, lighting up her eyes with love. "You won't get any argument out of me."

Jim's hand cupped her cheek as he leaned down and captured her lips in a loving kiss. "And you're the best wife…and don't you dare say otherwise."

She caught his hand, their fingers entwining for a moment as she held his gaze, honoring his request not to argue the statement. "Can you hand me something to put on?" she asked softly as he squeezed her hand.

He shook his head. "I don't think I want to."

"Why not?" she laughed.

He smiled, his fingers reaching out to thread through her tousled curls. "Because there's always been something about the sight of you wrapped in a sheet, your hair tousled, a blush on your cheeks and a smile on your lips…the roses are a nice touch, if I do say so myself."

"Aren't you poetic today?" Johanna murmured.

"That's what you do to me," he remarked as he stole another kiss. "Just don't tell anyone, I have a reputation to protect."

"Alright but in exchange for that, I demand clothing."

"If you insist," he sighed dramatically as he moved away from her side and grabbed the nightgown that had been left lying on the chair. He carried it back to her and dropped it on her lap. "I'll be back in a little while…try not to miss me too much."

"I'll try to hang in there," she quipped. "Don't get in any trouble; I don't feel like posting bail today."

"I'll do my best," he replied. "I wouldn't want to upset our plans."

"You better not upset them," she laughed. "I'll be waiting."

"I won't be too long," Jim promised. "I love you."

"I love you too; be careful."

"I promise. I'll call and let you know I'm there."

She gave him a smile and a nod, waiting until he had left the room before burying her nose in her roses. She couldn't remember the last time she had felt this light and happy…it was such a good feeling.

* * *

Later that morning, Johanna sat at her desk, her notebook open and her computer on, a family history research website on the screen, but her attention was upon her vase full of roses, her fingertip reaching out to stroke a silky petal. A smile seemed to be stuck to her lips and her thoughts seemed to be stuck on her husband…she couldn't complain. Everything had gone so well the night before, their outing had gone smoothly, they hadn't been spotted or followed…their night once they had returned home had been just as incredible and romantic. She breathed deeply, inhaling the scent of the flowers, laughing to herself as she realized that she was living up to the adage of stopping to smell the roses.

"Well, Kitten, a romantic date night seems to agree with you," Sarah stated as she appeared in the room, her voice pulling Johanna from her thoughts.

She smiled at her grandmother as the spirit pulled the piano bench over in front of the desk. "It does, doesn't it?"

Sarah smiled, her brow rising. "Oh my, even an admission to the fact; you must be feeling pretty good."

"I am," she confirmed. "I don't know when the last time was that I felt this good."

Her grandmother nodded. "You do look happy…you've got that glow again. You seem a lot more like yourself, if you know what I mean."

"I know what you mean," she replied. "Everything was so wonderful last night…it was like we got to crawl into a perfect little bubble."

"You must be glad that you took your grandmother's advice," Sarah remarked.

"I'm very glad…I didn't know the two of you were friends."

"Well of course we're friends; we have much in common. I adore Sophia."

"She's a special lady."

"She is," Sarah agreed with a nod.

"So are you," Johanna added.

Her grandmother grinned, mischief in her eyes. "Despite being a busybody?"

Johanna laughed softly. "It's part of your charm…and part of your job as a grandmother…just like it's a granddaughter's job to be slightly annoyed about it once in awhile."

"I see," the spirit giggled. "I'm glad we're both doing our jobs."

"I did wonder if you'd pop in today to ask for details," Johanna commented.

"I believe I'll let you keep the details to yourself; all I need to know is that you had fun and enjoyed yourself."

"I had a lot of fun and I enjoyed myself greatly."

"Then that's all I need to know about it…and I encourage you to make fun and enjoyment a habit."

"I'm going to do my best."

"Good girl. What are you working on today? More work for Jim?"

"No; I'll go back to that Monday; today I was working on your family tree."

"Tell me what you have so far," Sarah implored.

Johanna went over the information with her, gently cajoling Sarah into giving her a few missing pieces that she needed to be able to continue. "Can you stay long today?" she asked. "I wouldn't mind having the time to ask you about your grandparents."

Her grandmother's demeanor changed, as if her being went on sudden alert. "I'm afraid our talk may be cut short today, darling."

"Why?"

"Someone's coming," Sarah said as she sat up straighter, looking as though she was straining to hear something.

Johanna tensed. "Who is it?" she whispered.

"Don't worry," Sarah murmured.

Footsteps sounded in the hallway and her heart began to pound, her breath catching in her throat as panic began to fill her.

"Mom," a voice called out.

She released the breath she was holding, the panic receding. "In the office, Katie."

Kate's footsteps neared and Johanna wondered why Sarah hadn't disappeared although she was sure that she was the only one who could see her…but how was she going to explain the piano bench sitting in front of her desk?

Kate entered the office with swift steps as if she was on a mission and Johanna sighed internally, wondering what misfortune had befallen her family now.

"Didn't you hear me knock?" Kate asked, her voice carrying a hint of tartness.

"No, I didn't hear you," she replied. "I guess I was concentrating. I'm sorry. Why didn't you call when I didn't answer?"

Kate blew out a breath; the butterflies in her stomach settling. Seeing her mother's car in the driveway but not being able to get her to answer the door had sent waves of fear coursing through her. "I walked around back to see if your car was in the driveway and when I saw that it was, I figured it would be faster to just let myself in."

"I'm sorry," Johanna said once more as she took off her reading glasses and laid them aside. She had a feeling that she had given her daughter a scare but she knew better than to acknowledge it with those words. It would only make her bristle and possibly lash out.

"Why's the piano bench over here in front of your desk?"

She tried not to react as Kate stood by the bench, not seeing the beaming spirit who was seated upon it. "Your father pulled it over this morning while we were discussing some things," she lied.

"Where is Dad?" her daughter asked.

"At your Uncle Michael's helping him with a car problem," she answered.

"I thought they weren't really talking?"

Johanna shrugged. "They weren't talking much but maybe Michael misses him."

"Hopefully so," Kate replied. "I'm sure Dad must miss him."

The comment sent a measure of guilt coursing through her body. She was the reason for the distance between Jim and Michael and she hated that. She never wanted to come between Jim and his family…but maybe this was the start of them making amends and being closer once more, at least she hoped it was. For now she didn't need to dwell.

"What brings you by?" Johanna asked as she shook off her thoughts.

"I tried to call you last night and you didn't answer, nor did you call back," Kate replied.

"I know; I was busy."

"Doing what?" her daughter asked tartly.

"Enjoying my evening with my husband."

"And you couldn't answer the phone long enough to say that you'd call in the morning? What if it was something important?"

"Then you would've called back or called your father," Johanna said as she tapped her pen against her notebook.

Kate's eyes narrowed at her. "When you didn't answer or call back, I worried."

"You must not have worried too much, you didn't call back, you didn't text, you didn't try to get your father; you didn't come over until…"Johanna trailed off as she looked at the clock on her computer, "10:45 this morning…I'd say you didn't worry as much as you want me to believe."

"I did too worry," Kate replied, her eyes catching sight of something. She put her palms against the desk and leaned forward, studying the mark she glimpsed on her mother's neck that had revealed itself when she brushed a lock of hair back. "Oh my God," she exclaimed. "Is that a hickey?!"

Johanna looked startled by the announcement. "What!"

"You have a hickey on your neck!" her daughter exclaimed once more, as she reached out and pointed at it.

Johanna's fingertips landed against the mark; she hadn't noticed it that morning when she'd been brushing her teeth or combing her hair in front of the mirror but she had been lost in her thoughts, looking forward to her husband coming home. She smiled a little, wondering if he knew that he had marked her once more.

"I can't believe you have a hickey!" Kate all but yelled, her hands gesturing wildly.

"It's okay," she replied.

"You have a hickey!"

"It's okay, I had a good time," Johanna told her.

Kate's hand found its way to her hip. "Really? That's what you have to say about it?"

Johanna shrugged. "Fine, I'll tell you the truth, I had a fantastic time. I was just trying to spare you the full knowledge."

"Oh my God," her daughter muttered, her head lowering as she cringed. "You two need to get a damn hobby."

"But that's our favorite one," Johanna couldn't help but reply. "We've always enjoyed that one a lot and besides, it's free, it's fun, it burns calories and it keeps us young; you can't find all those things in other hobbies."

"I don't want to hear this," Kate remarked. "But now I know what prevented you from answering the phone."

"That wasn't the reason; we were still downstairs when you called…I could've answered…but I chose not to; the moment was just right and I didn't want to spoil it with a phone call. That's not polite, you know?"

Kate shook her head as she settled down on the piano bench, unaware of the spirit who had scooted over to make room for her. Johanna's gaze moved to Sarah, taking in the smile on the woman's face as she studied her great granddaughter. Sarah glanced at her and beamed brightly, clearly settling in to be a part of their visit at least for awhile. She didn't mind, she was sure that Sarah could eavesdrop if she wished even if she wasn't present in the room…she just wished Katie could see her…but then again, maybe not; her daughter was skeptical in nature, she'd probably just brush it off as a hallucination.

"What are you looking at?" Kate asked.

"Nothing," Johanna said, breaking eye contact with the ghost; trying to shake off the need to study Kate and Sarah as they sat side by side. "I was just thinking about something."

"What are you doing?" her daughter asked with a nod at the desk.

"Family tree research," she answered, glad that she hadn't been doing any case work for Jim. She didn't think that Kate would handle the idea of her doing law work very well. That was something that could wait until a better time. She could already see her gaze darting to the wall where her diplomas now hung, along with Kate's childhood drawings that had been in her office.

"Why did you drag those out?" Kate asked as she gestured toward the diplomas.

"Because they're mine," Johanna replied. "Your father's are hanging on his side of the room…I didn't see any reason why I couldn't have mine hanging in here as well."

The younger woman frowned as her gaze landed on the pictures she had drawn when she was a little girl. "Why do you have those hanging up?"

Johanna glanced at the drawings. "Because they always hung in my office."

"They're old; I'm all grown up now."

"You're welcome to draw me a new one if you want," her mother replied. "I have room for a new addition…I don't have any crayons but Gabby left a pack of markers here that night she was working on her board for her science project. I can give you a piece of paper."

"Don't be ridiculous," Kate remarked. "Take those down and put them away somewhere. No one wants to see that stuff."

"I do. They're mine and they're not going anywhere. If you don't like how I decorate, stay off my side of the office."

"Fine, hang up old Crayola drawings if you want."

"Thank you for your permission to hang up what I want in my own home."

Kate made a noise of agreement as her phone buzzed in her pocket. She pulled it out and tapped back a reply to the text message she had received.

"Work?" Johanna asked.

"No," she answered as she put the phone back in her pocket.

"Rick?"

"Yes."

"Can't even go twenty minutes without knowing what you're doing, can he?" she asked.

Kate gave her a puzzled look. "He wanted to know if you were home or if I was out looking for you. I told him you were here."

"I'm here," Johanna remarked. "Now that you know I'm fine, did you have any other reason for stopping by?"

"Do I need one?"

"No; but it seems like you usually have one…it's usually bad news."

"No news to deliver today," Kate replied.

"That's a relief," her mother sighed.

"I haven't heard from you in awhile."

Johanna nodded. "I haven't heard from you either."

"I know…but I figure on your end it's intentional."

"You seem to think everything I do is intentional," she remarked; watching Sarah's reactions from the corner of her eye.

"I know you; when you don't call, it's because you're mad."

"I'm not mad, Katie; I just get tired of begging for five minutes of your time."

Kate rolled her eyes. "Who asked you to beg?"

"It seems like you do," she replied. "You always want space so I've been giving it to you…and let's not forget that just a few weeks ago you said I was the last person you wanted to talk to."

"I was upset," her daughter said curtly, her temper rising in regard to her mother's attitude.

"Yeah, so was I after I hung up on you," Johanna remarked. "It's not the kind of thing a mother enjoys hearing."

"I came over the next day," Kate said, her tone strained. "You acted like you didn't want me here so I left. You had Greg's baby here to fuss over, you didn't need me."

Johanna's jaw tightened at the blatant accusation that she had found a substitution for her own child. "I had Ally because Greg and Kelly had to go out of town, her parents were in an accident and you know it. No one could take her but me; Frankie and Valerie were away visiting her sister. If I didn't act the way you wanted, it didn't have anything to do with Ally being here, it had to do with you. How was I supposed to act after you basically said that I ruin your life?"

"I didn't say that!"

"Not those exact words but the sentiment was implied and well received."

Kate sighed. "I thought we were over all that."

"You might be over it but certain feelings linger for me. I like how you think I can just flip my feelings on and off like a light switch while tip toeing around yours. Like I said, you like your space so I've been giving it to you, you know where I am if you want me. I don't want to be any more of a burden than I already am."

"Oh my God!" Kate exclaimed. "He we go with that damn burden line again. That one is really getting old, Mom."

"Yeah," Johanna said as she eyed her. "You know what else gets old? Your way of thinking that your pain and inconvenience is better than everyone else's. You get that selfish streak from Elizabeth. All she ever cared about was how everything affected her and you're the same way!"

"I am not!"

"You are too! We all have things to deal with, Katie. I have guilt and pain that you can't even begin to imagine; I'm on a first name basis with at least two of the vultures that follow me around; my life's being dissected, I'm being talked about just as much or more than you are, hell there are even people zeroing in on the pictures to name the brand of clothes I wear and the purse I carry; trying to identify my jewelry so they can hook a damn price tag to it so they can try to guess how much money we have; and yet I've never answered my phone and said 'you're the last person I want to talk to'. You should've left the phone ring if you felt that way or sent a message and said 'I don't feel like talking right now, I'll call in a day or two."

"We've already been over this!" Kate all but yelled. "That has nothing to do with you not calling for the last several days."

"Oh but it does; and hey, what do you need me for? You have Rick and Martha and Alexis."

"Is this about Thanksgiving?"

"No! I don't care about Thanksgiving. I had my meal and my husband was happy. I told you if you didn't want to come it was fine; we had other guests. The point I was trying to make is that Martha sees you more than I do. You even go to the theater with her."

Kate sighed. "So that's what it's about? You're mad because I went to the theater with Martha and Alexis?"

"No; I'm not mad that you went with them. It just hurts me that you never want to do anything with me. I can't even get you to come to dinner once a month…dinner here at home where no one would have to see you associating with your mother."

"Don't even act like that!" her daughter retorted.

"How am I supposed to act!" Johanna yelled back. "We went shopping and had lunch once and I knew what it was the whole time. You weren't doing it because you wanted to, you did it to parade us out in front of the media to prove your statement true that we aren't estranged…well you know what, Katie; I'm not so sure that we're not estranged."

Kate glanced away. She couldn't deny that her mother was right about that…she had invited her to go shopping so that the media would catch them out together and get their pictures and proof that all was well between them. It had been Castle's suggestion and she had seen the merit in it…and she figured that while killing one bird, she'd be killing another by doing something that would make not only her mother happy, but her father as well. She should've known better…her mother always had some sort of twisted knack for knowing when all wasn't as it seemed. She'd been a lawyer too long to be conned; she'd seen too much and probably heard as many lies as she herself had in the course of her career.

"That doesn't mean that I didn't enjoy our day," she said slowly; figuring subtle admission was the only way to go. Her mother had her lawyer face on…her internal lie detector clearly on and the needles jumping at any sign of untruthfulness.

Johanna scoffed slightly. "You enjoyed it so much that's why we've done it again, right?"

She struggled not to roll her eyes. "I'll get tickets and take you to the theater, okay?"

"No; I don't want you to do anything for me that you feel obligated to do."

"I wouldn't feel obligated," she said in exasperation.

"Oh I think you would; you seem to feel obligated about most things when it comes to me so don't do me any favors."

Kate smirked at her. "You may as well let me get the tickets and go with me because if you're waiting on Dad to take you…well, you'll never be going to the theater again."

"So I've been told," Johanna replied, noticing that Sarah had vanished from the room but she had a feeling the spirit was lingering just out of sight. "If I want to go to the theater that badly I'll buy a ticket and go by myself so I don't have to feel guilty about who has to accompany me."

Her daughter sighed. "For someone who claimed to have such a fantastic night, you'd think you'd be in a better mood."

"My mood is fine," Johanna replied. "I'm just telling you how it is."

"It makes me sorry that I came over."

"I'm sure it does," she stated. "I'm sure you're sorry anytime you have to come over…not that you come all that often."

"I have a life!" Kate exclaimed. "I have a job and a relationship."

"Yes, I know. You have no balance; you're either all work or all Rick. You don't have time for anything else. I had a full time job too, Katie; I still managed to see my family. I had relationships, still do. When your father and I were dating, he spent Wednesday nights with me and we switched off whose place we stayed at every weekend…but we still had time for other people. I had dinner with my family on Sundays and he had dinner with his family on Sundays. I went out with my friends, he went out with his. We had plenty of time together and still had time for others as well. When was the last time you and Lanie had a girls night?"

"What's that got to do with anything?" Kate asked.

"Just curious," she replied. "Answer the question."

"It's been awhile," Kate admitted grudgingly. "I did have an unexpected houseguest all summer."

Tension tightened her mother's jaw. "I've been living in my own home since early September; and for the record, it wasn't my idea to live with you."

"And yet it gave you exactly what you wanted," her daughter replied tartly. "You got to be in my space every day, making it impossible to ignore you, giving me no choice but to listen. Yeah, I'd say it worked out pretty damn well for you."

"You didn't have to accept me, Katie. You didn't have to listen or forgive. You could've stayed cold and callous…and really if we're honest, we both know that you haven't fully forgiven. You get to blame me for everything in your life. It must be nice to have someone to lay all the blame on all the time. I wish I could blame my mother as much as you blame me."

"Well I guess Grandma was better at minding her business and never answered any letters from an imprisoned mob member."

Hardness swept across Johanna's features, her gaze turning cold and harsh like a sudden winter storm. "I hope to God that you have a daughter one day, Katherine…a daughter just like you or worse…in fact, I pray that she's worse. I hope that just once she sits across from you and hurts you as badly as you hurt me every chance you get. I want you to know what it feels like just once. I want your heart to feel what mine does when you look at the person you carried beneath your heart for nine months and suffered through a long labor to deliver and see the hate and resentment in her eyes. Just once, I want you to know what it feels like…I'll be old and gray by then, and I hope you ring my phone to cry about it because I'm going to say 'I told you so'."

Kate held her mother's cool gaze, unsure of how to respond as a shiver raced through her blood at the sudden chill in the room. "I guess you also hope that during her moment of hatred that she'll come running to Grandma."

"The door will always be open," Johanna remarked. "And when she tells me that her mother just doesn't get it, I'm going to tell her that you rarely ever do….that is if she even knows me. I have a feeling that if you ever do give me a grandchild, you won't let me see it too often."

"Why would you think that?!"

She shrugged. "Just a hunch. I'm not needed to be a mother, why would I be needed to be a grandmother? I'd probably buy the kid a toy or a dress and you'd get your nose out of joint about it."

Kate glared at her. "I assure you, Mother; I'll never deny you the privilege of spoiling your grandchild if you choose to do so."

"I guess only time will tell, besides, I'm probably not much competition for Martha. I'm sure my grandchildren will see more of her than they do me."

"Oh my God, what is all of this about Martha?!" Kate yelled.

"I told you; you see and speak to other people's mothers more than your own," Johanna shot back. "You even spent a holiday with someone else's mother."

"So we're back to this being about me going to the theater with her and not you and it's about Thanksgiving. You're jealous of Martha."

"I'm not jealous of Martha," Johanna retorted. "I'm just wondering if I should send her a card or flowers to congratulate her in regard to her new daughter. Maybe an 'It's A Girl' balloon would be appropriate. I think in appreciation of me providing her with another child, she could at least send me a gift card to get my nails done; I broke one clinging to the door handle of the car when I was in labor with you."

"Is that my cue to apologize for the pain of your labor?" Kate asked.

"Not at all; it was extremely painful and yet I've always felt like it was worth it. I did the best I could to be a good mother, Katie…I gave you everything I could. When you were born, I stopped working on cases that would require me to go out of town, with one exception when you were seven; that one was out of my control. I didn't work late unless it was entirely unavoidable; I closed my office at four instead of five so I could get home to you as soon as possible. I never missed a recital or a school play, I never missed your softball games; I always arranged my schedule so I'd be available to go on your field trips…and the one I couldn't go on, your father went. Sometimes when I'd get off work early, I'd come get you out of school early because I missed you. I let you stay home on your birthday when you got older. I made sure you had the cake you wanted, threw you the best parties I could, bought you whatever you wanted. I took you trick or treating, made your Easter baskets and helped you dye eggs. I put the money under your pillow when you lost a tooth. I got you everything on your Christmas lists, baked your cookies and your fudge, prayed for snow when you so desperately wanted it, stayed up half the night waiting for you to go to sleep so I could put the presents beneath the tree. I read you bedtime stories; I tucked you in every night. I walked the floors with you when you were a baby; I've worried and prayed for you every day since the moment I knew you were growing inside of me," Johanna said, her voice strained as she struggled to hold back emotion.

"I taught you how to sit up, how to crawl and walk. I taught you your ABCs and your numbers and colors. I set up nights when you were sick, held your hair back, gave you cool baths to bring down your fevers; I changed sheets at three in the morning when you had accidents or had thrown up on your bed. I let you crawl in bed beside me when your dreams scared you. I cried when you started school…I cried the whole time you were in surgery to get your tonsils taken out…I stayed home with you every day you were recovering. I put up with your teenage attitude problems, gave you a job in my office, cried at your graduation. I cried for the whole plane ride back to New York after we left you at Stanford. I flew out to California for your birthday…even though you were coming home the next week for Thanksgiving…even though I had to fly back late that night to be in court at eleven the next morning…even though your father and I had one hell of an argument about it, but I did it anyway. Just like I ran home in the middle of the day every time the phone bill was due to keep your father from seeing how high it was from long distance phone calls, because he almost had a stroke after that first bill rolled in. Those are just some of the highlights, Katie…there's a million things in between filling up the first nineteen years of your life; and I'm sorry it wasn't enough. I'm sorry that I made the wrong career choice and had to be away from you for awhile. I'm sorry that those years have tainted every good thing we ever had between us. I'm sorry I wasn't a better mother…that apparently I still can't live up to the standard you have for the role. I've always tried and given my best…I guess it isn't enough. I've cried, I've apologized, I've begged, I've demanded, I've retreated, I've done everything I can think to do and it just never satisfies you. If you want to have a mother-daughter relationship with someone else, then I guess that's your prerogative…you get the added bonus of sucking up to who will probably be your future mother-in-law."

Kate bit her lip, anger rippling through her. "If that happens, at least my mother-in-law will like me…you can't say the same about yours."

Johanna laughed. "Sweetheart, if you think that I ever gave a damn that Elizabeth Beckett didn't like me, you're sadly mistaken. Everything she dished out she got right back in return and it was no skin off my nose. We understood each other and we did our best to play nice in front of you…it didn't always work, but we made do…and we knew neither one of us was going anywhere. You can have your sweet little relationship with your possibly future mother-in-law…to tell you the truth, I liked my relationship with Elizabeth…we weren't the Waltons…but maybe we were good for each other just the same."

Kate scoffed. "So you liked it when you two were calling each other bitches?"

She smiled. "Hey; it was only truth; she was a bitch and so am I; no harm done. If she was alive and walked in here right now and called me a bitch, I'd say 'shut the hell up and sit down you old bag' and she would…and we'd have our version of conversation, half amicable, half insult to keep our little feud going…because we liked it. I didn't hate her…I don't even really think she hated me all that much, we just liked to spar with each other."

"Dysfunction at its finest…how wonderful for the two of you."

Johanna sighed in disgust. "You shouldn't talk, Katie; you're an awful lot like her…maybe that's why you can't get along with me; you've got that Bradley blood."

"Beckett," she said firmly.

"Oh you're a Beckett alright," Johanna remarked. "But Elizabeth was a Bradley before she was a Beckett…just like I was a McKenzie before I was a Beckett…I'm still a McKenzie though…and McKenzie's don't go around kissing backsides…you either take us for what we are or move along."

"Is that your way of telling me to get out?" Kate asked.

"No; I wasn't telling you to leave; I was making a general statement about your heritage."

Kate raked her hand through her hair, turning her gaze away from her mother. "I don't know what you want me to do, Mom," she stated, her voice still tense.

"Not a damn thing, Katie. Do what you have to do, have all your space, ignore me, hate me, whatever makes you happy…all I've ever wanted was for you to be happy; and if you're happier without me around, that's okay, you don't need to be ashamed of it…you can just own up to it and tell me so. If your grandfather had taken that course of action maybe we could've had a better relationship when I became an adult. I could've kept my distance and then maybe he wouldn't have minded me so much. I know I'm not every one's cup of tea…I'm emotional, opinionated, I have this terrible trait of my mother's of wanting my family to be near. I never claimed to be perfect."

Her daughter gave a slight shake of her head. "I only came over to check on you and make sure you were okay because you didn't answer last night, you never called back and I already hadn't heard from you for several days."

"Don't worry, your father would let you know if I was in the hospital or imprisoned."

"Why would you be in either of those places?" she asked. "You're as healthy as you ever were; you make it a point to remind me of that every so often and you don't leave the house enough to get arrested."

"I was just making the statement that if I was sick or imprisoned you'd be notified."

"Good to know," Kate said sarcastically. "You're probably more likely to need bail money than medical assistance though."

"What makes you say that?"

"You have a bad temper."

"Like you don't."

"I'm not the one with a jealousy issue at the moment," her daughter remarked.

Johanna dropped the pen she had been clutching. "I'm sorry that I enjoy being a mother, Katie. I'm sorry that it hurts to open up the newspaper and see pictures of you and Martha looking like a happy mother-daughter duo; to know she got to see you on your birthday and on Thanksgiving…that she gets to talk to you and see you more than I do, but that's how you want it and so be it. Hey, if you want to call her 'mom', go right ahead...tell her you come highly recommended as a daughter; your incubator still loves you thirty three years later."

"Incubator?" Kate asked.

"Me," she replied. "Your biological mother…the person whose body you were sheltered in…I was your incubator for nine months…and let's not forget that you were due on the 12th and didn't show up until the 17th."

Kate sighed. "Mom…"

"What?" she asked, her tone flat and somewhat terse.

"You're making this hard for me…I'm afraid to say anything because you're either going to take it the wrong way or God knows what."

Johanna smirked. "Welcome to my world, that's how I feel about you."

"Apparently you don't feel that way today."

"Sometimes I get fed up."

Kate squirmed slightly. "What's for dinner tonight?"

Johanna's gaze met hers. "Nothing; your father and I are going out tonight."

"Then I guess I can't stay and eat with you."

"No, you can't. Besides, it's kind of early for you to be staying for dinner anyway."

Annoyance flickered in Kate's eyes. "You don't want me hanging around?"

"I don't care if you hang around…I just didn't want you to think I was detaining you. It's the weekend, I'm sure you and Rick have plans."

"I'm surprised you didn't say Martha," Kate quipped tartly.

Johanna smiled. "Take the whole family if you want. I just hope Martha enjoys my only child."

"It's not my fault that you didn't have more children," Kate replied. "It can't be from lack of effort with the way you two act."

"No; it wasn't a lack of effort. I guess God only wanted to inflict me on one child and you were the lucky winner. Sorry about that, I know you deserved better than me but there isn't much we can do about it. I used to think I deserved better than my father…but I don't anymore."

"Why?"

Johanna's gaze shifted to her notebook. "I don't know; maybe it was good training."

Puzzlement flicked across Kate's face. "Training for what?"

For the discord with her own child, she thought to herself. That chasm of distance between her and Kate that she had thought she had closed over the summer was cracking open like an ice covered pond during the spring thaw. Her father's distaste gave her much needed experience when faced with it from another loved one. It still hurt, tears would be shed on occasion but she knew how to steel her heart…how to keep her distance…how to strike back when needed. She didn't relish the thought of taking those measures with her daughter but if it was what she wanted, she could cope…at least in some small way.

"Training for what?" Kate asked again.

Johanna gave a shake of her head. "It's not important."

"You've mentioned your father a few times…is he on your mind today? I know you don't like to talk about him, is that why you're in a bad mood?"

"I'm not in a bad mood and he's not on my mind…maybe you just remind me of him."

Another sigh crossed Kate's lips. "Not everyone is as demonstrative as you, Mom; it doesn't mean they love you any less."

"Let's just close the subject; it's not getting us anywhere," Johanna remarked. "If you want me, you know where I am. If you don't, that's okay too; I'll get over it in a few years."

Kate rolled her eyes. "This is why I don't call or visit often. I can't stand it when you act like this."

"And you think you have no role in how I act?"

"No; I don't. I think it's all you and your overactive brain," her daughter retorted. "Think about that the next time you think Martha gets more of my attention than you do. Maybe you should ask yourself why that might be the case. At least she doesn't act like you; at least she lets things go and doesn't sink under some black cloud of gloom. I really do think you need to talk to someone."

"Martha doesn't have to deal with the things I have to deal with," Johanna said sharply. "And I'm not going to some damn therapist and airing my dirty laundry; I told you that before. If Martha's so damn fabulous and that's who you want for your mother figure, have at her, Katie. Like I said, go call her 'mom' if you want to, if it'll make you feel better; but there's one thing you can't change; my blood is in your veins, you're always going to be connected to me whether you like it or not."

"I can't believe you're jealous of Martha."

"I'm not."

Kate eyed her. "You know, I suddenly remember Martha saying at dinner the other night that she tried to call you and you didn't answer…did you purposely not answer her call?"

"I was busy."

"Doing what? Getting a hickey?"

"No," Johanna smirked. "I was making a cherry pie for my husband."

"And you couldn't call her back while it was in the oven?"

She shrugged. "I probably had laundry to fold."

"I thought you wanted to be friends with Martha," Kate stated.

"I did…but it doesn't seem very likely anymore."

"Why is that?"

Johanna met her eye. "Because she stole my kid."

Kate laughed. "You are so ridiculous! She did not steal me from you."

"Fine; my kid willing gave herself away to her and she didn't do what any other decent mother would do and send her back where she belonged!"

Kate continued to laugh. "I can't believe this; so does that mean Rick shouldn't treat you in any manner that strays toward 'motherly'?"

"He has a mother," Johanna remarked. "He can treat me like a potential mother-in-law."

"And how does one go about that, just in case he ever needs to know?"

"By not acting like I'm his mother; he has a perfectly fine mother of his own, he doesn't need another one."

"So do you want him to start calling you 'Mrs. Beckett?' instead of Johanna?"

"No; first name basis is fine…he just can't ever call me 'Mom'."

"I don't think he has any desire to do that," Kate replied.

"That's because he knows he already has a mother. He might've gone with me when I bought my car, and I asked him to tag along while I went to the market, but you don't see us out bonding."

Kate smiled. "Do you want him to take you to the theater, because he will if I mention it."

"You're not cute or funny."

She laughed. "Mom, I love you but you're demented."

Johanna frowned. "Get out of my office."

"It's Dad's office too."

"Fine, just get out of my whole house and don't come back until your attitude has been adjusted."

"You claim you're always the adjuster of my attitude," Kate said with a smirk.

"Believe me, Katie; every time I see that Elizabeth Beckett smirk on your face I fight the urge to smack the hell out of you."

"That's nice…did Grandma Naomi ever smack you?"

"Yes, she did…we're not above giving a little smack in this family if we feel it's really warranted…and sometimes I think you could benefit from a smack."

"I'd smack you back."

Johanna's brow arched. "I can take you."

Her daughter laughed. "You think you can take me?"

"No doubt in my mind."

"Mother; I'm half your age and at least three inches taller than you."

"Big deal, I weigh more than you."

"What, a whole five pounds?" Kate asked. "I'm so afraid."

"It's your fault I have those pounds," Johanna retorted. "And I assure you, I can take you."

"I've had police academy training."

"I don't give a damn if you were trained by Walker Texas Ranger, I'm your mother, I can kick your ass up one side of the street and down the other."

"Okay, apparently you've been watching too many reruns on television to come up with that reference," Kate replied; "But I'm going to let you have your delusions."

"Do you want to try me?" Johanna asked, eyeing her seriously.

"No; not today, maybe some other time."

"Afraid you'll lose?" her mother asked.

"No, I just don't want to hurt you."

"Why not? You do it all the time; just emotionally instead of physically."

Kate groaned. "Can we please end this conversation?"

"Fine," Johanna replied. "Drop by again sometime; I'll be here."

Her daughter rose from the piano bench and rounded the desk to kiss her cheek. "Cover up that hickey before you go out…and take down those childhood drawings."

"I'll cover the hickey but the drawings stay," Johanna replied.

"Why!"

"Because they're mine and because they remind me of better times…back when my daughter loved me and liked to be around me."

"I was in kindergarten."

"Those were good times…and I notice you didn't deny anything."

"Why should I when you aren't going to believe me anyway," Kate replied. "But I do love you…I'm sorry I'm not good at showing it in the way you'd like, but it doesn't change the fact…and maybe I'd like being with you more if you weren't always looking over your shoulder or worrying about something, or acting like Martha has kidnapped me and that Rick is holding me hostage."

"You don't understand me at all, Katie," Johanna told her.

"Does anyone understand you the way you want?"

She nodded. "My husband…I'm very lucky to have him…and every time I think I couldn't possibly love him more, somehow it grows even more."

"And what about me?"

"What about you?"

"Does your love for me grow?"

"That's a different kind of love, Katie; you know that."

"I know; but has it grown…or has it shrunk?"

"My love for my daughter knows no bounds," Johanna remarked. "It's as large and deep as it always was…she just doesn't want it anymore."

"That's not true," Kate remarked.

"Go on," her mother replied. "Enjoy your day; I'm fine. I'm sorry I worried you last night. Call or come around when you want; I'll be here."

Kate studied her for a long moment as her mother turned her gaze back to the list of names and dates in her notebook. "That's it?" she finally asked.

"What more do you want?"

She shrugged. "You usually hug me before I leave."

"I don't have to," Johanna replied. "I can be less demonstrative if it makes things better for you."

"I didn't say that I didn't want your affection."

"You just don't like to give it in return?"

Kate walked to the wall and gently smacked her head against it a few times. "You'll get a headache doing that…trust me, I know," Johanna told her.

"You spend time smacking your head off the wall?" Kate asked.

"No, I usually smack mine off the desk when the need arises…like it'll probably arise as soon as you leave."

Kate breathed deeply and returned to the desk. "Get up," she demanded, her tone softer.

"Why?"

"Just do it!"

Johanna got up from her chair and found herself wrapped in her daughter's embrace. "Hug me back," Kate demanded. "Or I won't be able to sleep tonight."

Slowly she wrapped her arms around her child; wishing things were better between them…feeling like she had gotten nowhere with the tough love approach that had come so highly recommended.

"Say it," her daughter whispered.

"Say what?"

"You know what," she said as she hugged her tighter. "The way you used to when I was a little girl…when one of us was sad."

The sting of hot tears filled Johanna's eyes. "I love you, always and forever, whenever and wherever, from the Eiffel tower to the tower of Pisa, from the Statue of Liberty to the Mona Lisa, to Jupiter and Mars, to the moon and the stars and back again."

Kate swallowed hard, not realizing how the words she had requested would land against her heart. "No matter what?"

"No matter what."

"How come?" Kate asked, following the childhood memory.

"Because you're my baby girl; no matter what you do or where you go...my baby you'll always be."

"Promise?" she whispered, her eyes squeezed shut, wishing things didn't have to be the way they were between them…wishing that she could stop hurting her mother's feelings and yet she seemed to always do it without much thought.

"I promise," Johanna murmured, squeezing her tightly for a moment and then releasing her.

"I do love you," Kate said softly as she watched her mother settle back into her chair.

Johanna gave a nod but didn't offer further comment on the matter. "You'll call sometime?" she asked.

"Yeah…will you answer?"

"Yes."

"Maybe I can come over for dinner one night?" Kate asked.

"Whenever is convenient for you," Johanna replied. "Just let me know so I can make enough for three instead of two."

Kate gave her a small smile and a nod. "See you later?"

"See you later…be careful."

"I promise…I'll send you a text letting you know I got home alright."

"I'd appreciate it."

They shared one last look, a silent understanding passing between them that the ball was now in Kate's court. "Make sure the door locks behind me, okay?" Kate said as she began to head for the door. "If you need me, call."

"I'll do that," Johanna said as she rose and followed her daughter to the door, locking it as Kate stood on the other side and listened to it snap in place, giving her peace of mind. She peeked out the curtain, watching as Kate moved to her car and got in. She wasn't sure anything had been accomplished during their visit…but she couldn't deny feeling a little better that she had gotten some things off her chest…even if they had been deemed crazy.

* * *

When Johanna returned to the office, Sarah was once again perched on the piano bench. "Well?" she said to her grandmother as she moved back to her desk.

"Well what, dear?"

"How bad did I do?"

"My heart hurts," Sarah said, pressing her pale hands against her chest.

Johanna sighed. "I'll give her time to get home and then I'll call and apologize."

"No!" Sarah exclaimed. "Don't do that."

"Why not?"

"Because you didn't do anything wrong. My heart hurts for you…you finally allowed yourself to acknowledge that someone other than yourself is causing you pain. You laid your cards on the table and told her how she hurts you…I'm just sorry that she offered no apology or any solution to the way things are between you."

"That's because in her mind, the problem is all mine," Johanna said softly. "She doesn't believe that she has a role. She did what she had to do for me, what her job required, and I'm here when it's convenient for her and other than that, she doesn't really have any need of me."

"Not to kick you while you're down, darling, but that's why we've been giving you that 'let her go' advice."

"I know," she replied sadly. "It's just hard to do that when I feel like she's already replaced me and wouldn't mind much if I backed away completely. It's like I feel like I have to keep hold somewhere or I'll lose the small place I have left."

"I understand that," Sarah remarked gently. "But you have made a good effort at letting go in some ways. I am sorry that the issue is going to come between you and Martha and the friendship you were hoping to build."

Johanna gave a slight nod. "It probably wouldn't have worked out anyway.

"Why do you think that?"

"We probably don't really have much in common; besides, she's always busy with her work and her school…and I'm busy with the things that matter to me."

"You mean you're busy being a housewife."

"Why does everyone act like that's such a bad thing?" Johanna asked. "I enjoy being a housewife. I love taking care of my husband; I like taking care of my home…and I have been working the last few days; I might be doing it here at home and under the radar but it's still work."

"I know and I'm very proud of you," Sarah told her. "There's nothing wrong with being a housewife; but it's not something that makes a marked difference in a friendship."

"No; I suppose not…I guess at the moment I just find it hard to consider the kind of friendship I want with a person that my daughter can so easily replace me with."

"Perhaps Martha doesn't know of these feelings you have…maybe you should tell her about how you feel."

"I can't do that!" Johanna exclaimed. "It's bad enough I told Katie!"

"You don't think Martha would understand?"

"No! She'd think I'm crazy like Katie does and she'd assure me that what I think isn't the case at all and all that jazz. No. I'm not telling anyone else."

"Not even Jim?" Sarah asked.

"Maybe Jim…if it would come up…and don't go doing any prodding of him to bring it up. You just stay out of his dreams."

Sarah laughed. "But it was so much fun."

"I don't care. You can play with his phone and pick on him in small non-threatening ways but stay out of his dreams…you're going to get him in trouble."

"I promise that I won't invade Jim's dreams unless absolutely necessary."

Johanna eyed her. "Make sure it isn't necessary."

"That, my dear, is up to you."

"Mhmm," she muttered.

"Are you ever going to tell him about our visits?" Sarah asked.

"I don't know…sometimes I want to but I'm afraid he'll think I've lost my mind."

"He won't think that at all; he believes…you know he does, he told you about the dream."

"I know…it's just kind of odd to think of and I'm not ready to share yet. Will I be having another visitor soon?"

"Yes…and no I won't tell you who."

Johanna gave a nod of resignation. "When I run out of visitors, does that mean I won't see you anymore," she asked, emotion glistening in her eyes.

Sarah smiled softly. "Oh, darling; I won't say that I won't ever stop in to visit you…but it won't be as often as it has been. You'll still know I'm here though; remember, a cardinal in the winter, a mockingbird in the spring…there will be other little things too…like a paperweight that's never in its correct place. I'll see you in your dreams though."

"I'll miss this though," she murmured.

"I'll stop in once in awhile…perhaps around Christmas and some other time in the year."

"I would like that."

"Let's not talk about it now," Sarah remarked. "I don't want to go off on my rounds and leave you sad. Jim will be home soon; you must be happy for him, you have plans, don't you?"

A smile graced Johanna's lips. "Yes; we're going out for awhile."

"Wonderful," her grandmother said with a clap of her hands. "And do cover that mark on your neck before you go; no one needs to know about the fun you apparently had last night."

Johanna smirked at her. "Yes, Grandma; I'll conceal the evidence."

Sarah beamed at the usage of the term. "I love when you call me that."

"I'm glad I can make you happy."

"You've always made me happy," her grandmother assured. "Happy and proud. I have to be going now, enjoy your day with Jim. Don't let worries or thoughts of Katie's visit cloud what should be a happy outing for you."

She smiled. "I'll put it all behind me before Jim gets home…I want us to have a good time; he deserves it."

"So do you," Sarah reminded her. "You both deserve it; now you think happy thoughts and go back to sniffing those roses and daydreaming…the look of being madly in love suits you well, darling."

Johanna blushed as she laughed. "I'll do that…enjoy your rounds, Sarah."

"Until next time, my dear," her grandmother replied, a sparkle in her eyes and a smile on her lips as she faded away.

Johanna sighed as she was left alone but then she turned her attention to the vase of roses sitting on her desk and leaned closer to inhale their scent. It was nearly impossible to be unhappy when she had such beautiful flowers and the knowledge that her husband would soon be home and be all hers again.

* * *

Johanna swiped the last glob of icing from the bowl with her finger and devoured it, enjoying the sweet confection and the memory it brought of her mother and her childhood. The recipe for that white icing had been her mother's prize…she had often told the story of how she had tried several different concoctions before she had finally found the right ingredients to give her the taste and texture she wanted…a replica of an icing that she had once tasted on a slice of cake on a trip to upstate New York. Johanna looked at her own freshly iced cake and smiled. The cake wasn't really needed, they'd just had pies for the holiday…but she had a craving…and she was bored. Jim was once again at his brother's, still working on the problem with the car; a problem whose solution seemed to be eluding both men for the time being. They'd had a nice outing the day before, they had both enjoyed themselves and she was noticing that she was feeling less stressed than she had been the last several months. She put the lid on the cake plate, leaving her masterpiece in the center of the table for now; she'd fight the urge to slice into it until dinner time when she could have a piece with Jim for dessert.

She shivered slightly as she carried the empty bowl to the sink, the tea kettle whistling on the stove as she did so; the warmth of the kitchen seemed to be waning as the heat from the oven faded. The steam from the hot water that she poured into her mug warmed her hands as she dipped the tea bag into the liquid. She didn't know when Jim would be back but she hoped it was soon; Sundays were long and boring without him in the house with her. Johanna shook off that thought however, she wanted Jim and his brother to mend fences…he wouldn't tell her exactly what Michael had said about her return but she knew it hadn't been good. She felt guilty for causing him such trouble with his family, it made her ache inside. He should linger with his brother, doing whatever it was brothers did when they worked on cars together…it would make them all feel better. She'd take her tea and head for the living room; a warm throw waiting for her and she could pick one of her TV show DVDs to pop into the DVD player. Her time would be occupied and before she'd know it, it would be time to start dinner and her husband would come home.

As Johanna moved through the hallway, the air of the house felt colder, making her stomach flip as she realized there must be a visitor waiting for her. "Sarah?" she murmured; a tingle racing down her spine, a feeling of foreboding washing over her about the identity of who awaited. Her grandmother didn't appear, nor did she answer.

"Sarah," she whispered again. "Please?"

"Go on," her grandmother's voice whispered although she couldn't see her. "It'll be alright."

Johanna clutched the mug tightly, trying to absorb the warmth from the ceramic as it pressed against her skin. She crept closer to the living room, unease filling her. She heard the snap and rustle of a newspaper and she flinched; the sound was a part of the soundtrack of her childhood and she froze in place, shivering at the thought. She felt emotion surging forward and she debated fleeing to the safety of the upstairs, but then she wondered if perhaps her visitor would just follow her there and force this visit upon her.

"Johanna," a voice called out.

She squeezed her eyes shut; a tremor racing through her body and making her tea slosh around in the mug as her hands shook. She didn't want to think about who that voice belonged to…who she associated with the snap and rustle of the newspaper.

"Josie."

She trembled, it couldn't be…it just couldn't be…and if it was, she didn't know if it was a blessing or a nightmare.

 _To be continued…_


	10. Chapter 10

_Author's Note: Thanks for your reviews._

Chapter 10- Black Roses

" _You can throw your words sharper than a knife. And leave me cold in another house on fire" –Clare Bowen_

"Josie," the voice of her visitor called out once more and Johanna whimpered, her grip on her mug so tight that she was surprised that it hadn't busted in her hands. That voice…she knew that voice…it couldn't be…it just couldn't be. Her throat felt tight; why couldn't Sarah have prepared her? Why couldn't she appear and be there with her in this moment when she felt so in need of another presence?

"Come on, Josie," her visitor beckoned; his voice oddly gentle. "It's alright..."

His assurance did nothing to lessen her fear and unease. She didn't want to do this…she could already feel the ancient scabs on her heart being lifted, the wounds opening, memories pushing through, crossing the barriers. She just couldn't do this…she didn't want to.

"I'm not going away, Johanna; you may as well come in and get it over with."

Johanna felt a hand push her forward but she didn't see anyone when she looked over her shoulder…although she had a feeling the gentle shove had been from Sarah. She wasn't getting out of this, she was going to have to go in there and face him. She wasn't ready…she'd never be ready…she wanted to be wrong; wanted to think that she had mistaken the voice…but as her heart quivered, she knew she hadn't. Slowly she took a few more steps, pausing as she stood on the threshold of the living room, her eyes landing upon the spirit sitting in the recliner. She had known all along that it was him, but when his gaze met hers, she found herself for some inexplicable reason uttering the word she hadn't called him since she was six years old. "Daddy?" she murmured; her tone shaking and carrying the squeak of the emotion that was choking her and she hated herself for allowing that term to slip as she waited for a rebuke for it.

Frank McKenzie laid aside the newspaper and kept his gaze trained upon his daughter. "It's been a long time, Josie."

She nodded; her teeth worrying her bottom lip as she shifted uncomfortably.

"This is your home," Frank said; "You should feel at ease with coming in and sitting down."

Johanna pushed herself forward, forcing her feet to carry her to the sofa where she sat down. She carefully placed her mug on the coffee table; shivering as she lost the small amount of warmth the cup had been providing her.

"You're cold," Frank remarked as he nodded at the throw on the back of the couch. "Get your blanket and cover up…you're like your mother, she was always cold this time of year too."

She did as she was told without much thought; her mind too busy with trying to make sense of man before her; his tone non-threatening and yet her heart and mind was instinctively steeling itself for the worst. "Why are you here?" she managed to ask as she clutched the throw she had wrapped around her.

"Because I need to be here," he replied.

"Some kind of penance?" she asked.

"No."

She breathed deeply, shaking off some of the cobwebs and regaining a bit of composure. "The lectures of the others didn't have the desired results so they decided to send in the chairman of the board?"

Frank eyed her. "I wouldn't say that there haven't been positive results; there has been…but is that how you see me? The chairman of the board of lectures and punishment?"

Johanna held his gaze. "I suppose so."

Her father nodded. "I guess I can't blame you for that."

She could feel her nerves jumping beneath her skin, agitation filling her body, making her shrug off her blanket and surge to her feet. "So what are you here for?" she asked somewhat sharply. "Are you here to tell me how stupid I am?"

"Why would I do that?"

Johanna threw her hands up and gave a short laugh. "Because it was always one of your favorite pastimes? I can save you some time though; I already know I'm stupid."

"You're not stupid," he remarked.

"Oh, but I am," she replied. "There's no doubt about it anymore. So if that's what you're here for, I already know and I agree."

"You're getting upset," her father stated.

"Of course I am!" she exclaimed. "You're in my living room!"

"I've been in your living room before," he replied.

"But not like this!"

"What makes you so sure?"

"Why would you be here?" she asked.

"That's a ridiculous question to ask, Johanna. You're my daughter, why wouldn't I be around when I feel needed?"

She scoffed. "Because I'm your least favorite child."

"I thought you said you forgave me for the past," Frank remarked as she paced.

"I do…but that doesn't mean I've forgotten."

"Your mother never forgot anything either," he replied.

"Apparently neither do you."

"You never get over losing your mother, Johanna. You should know that," he said tartly. "And if you don't, you can ask Katie about it."

The comment landed with the impact of a sucker punch to the center of heart. The blood drained from her face and she sank down on the couch as the force of the remark knocked her off her feet. She covered her face with her hands, trying desperately not to give into the tears that sprung to her eyes but a few tears rebelled and slipped from beneath her lashes. She kept her lips clamped tightly together to keep the sob from tearing from her throat. Even as a ghost her father had the ability to wound…just as she feared.

"I'm sorry, Johanna. I shouldn't have said that," Frank stated. "It was cruel and uncalled for."

Johanna's hands dropped away from her face, hurt and anger swirling through her veins. "I wouldn't expect anything less of you," she replied, her voice shaking as she got back up to pace. "It's why I didn't want this to happen…I knew the afterlife wouldn't have changed you any."

"Johanna…"

"No!" she yelled. "No. I might've had to put up with you and your nastiness when you were alive but I'll be damned if I'm going to do it now that you're dead so you just get out of my living room because I don't want you here. I don't want to hear what you have to say because it's going to be the same thing I've heard all my life! Knowing the truth about why you hate me doesn't change anything, I'm still me and you're still you…and I don't want to do this!"

"Sit down!" Frank barked. "Your damn pacing gets on my nerves."

"What have I ever done that didn't get on your nerves?" she asked. "Seems like I annoy you just by breathing…oh and let's not forget, because I have green eyes."

"Sit down."

"I will when you leave."

"I can't leave," Frank said as he glared at her. "We would have unfinished business."

"We don't have any unfinished business," Johanna replied. "We concluded our business long ago."

"Did we?"

"I think so. I spent as much time with you as I could toward the end, time you probably didn't want but got anyway. We said our goodbyes."

"But we weren't at peace with each other," Frank remarked.

"Were we ever?" she scoffed. "I think I did make my peace; and I did it long before we said goodbye, Dad. I knew where I stood. I knew I couldn't change things and I knew it was just the way it was between us. I didn't set up nights worrying about it."

"Are you sure about that?" her father asked.

"Yeah; I am."

"You were bothered that you couldn't mourn me."

"Turned out it was only a delayed reaction," she replied. "Try again."

Frank eyed her. "Your attitude has done a total 180 from when you first came into the room."

"The shock has faded."

"When is your attitude going to fade?"

"Never," she said, defiance in her eyes. "You wanted forgiveness and I gave it to you. What more do you want from me?"

"That's probably a question Katie asks herself. She forgave you and yet you want more," he said snidely.

Johanna glared at him. "I want to be a part of my child's life," she said sharply. "Unlike you, I enjoy being with my daughter."

"Well maybe she doesn't want it. Maybe she doesn't want you hanging around all the time. You never wanted me around."

"I didn't say I wanted to be glued to her hip. I just want to see her once in awhile; spend some time with her, having a meal or shopping, anything…just once in awhile. I want to feel like her mother instead of feeling like I'm being replaced by someone else's mother. There were plenty of times when I wanted you around, but you weren't there. You took me to the theater once without Mom…that's the only thing I ever remember just the two of us doing. You showed up for my graduations but you weren't at my dance recitals or piano recitals, school plays or awards banquets. The only reason you saw me cheer the first year I was in high school was because Frankie was playing his last year of football. You didn't come to see me the other three years I was in school. I remember times when your trips to see Uncle Colin would coincide with my birthday when I was a kid. There were plenty of times when I wanted you, but you didn't want me. I spent nineteen birthdays with my child; I was at every event she had and I don't want those years disregarded because I made a mistake and life spiraled out of my control; so don't you compare me to you. My daughter knew she was loved by both of her parents and that's not something I can say about myself. You wouldn't even hold my hand to walk me across the street when I was a little girl! So don't you ever act like we're in the same class when it comes to being a parent because we're not!"

Frank was silent for a moment as he watched his daughter tremble with anger as she finally sat back down on the sofa. "That hand holding incident when you were six…that really changed things between us for good, didn't it? That was when you stopped calling me daddy."

Johanna wrapped her arms around her midsection as if she was trying to physically hold herself together. "I knew where I stood…you didn't want me…you didn't want to be my daddy so why call you by that name? You told me to act like a little lady so I did. I didn't need you to walk me to school in Mom and Frankie's absence; I knew where it was and I knew my way home. I didn't need you."

"Yes, you did," Frank said quietly. "I should've held your hand."

"It wasn't necessary," she said somewhat sharply. "I made it alright on my own."

Her father grew quiet once more as he regarded her, feeling her unease, her anger, her anxiety and a hundred little things in between that were gnawing at her nerves, making her bounce between emotions like a tennis ball being batted across the net. "What upsets you the most about me being here, Johanna?" he asked.

"Everything."

"Don't give me that," he retorted. "What bothers you most?"

Johanna swallowed hard, her hands gripping the couch cushion as she tried to fight the urge to pace. "I guess I'm afraid of what you have to say."

"About what specifically?"

She hesitated; a feeling of anxiety wrapping around her.

"Johanna," he demanded; his tone taking her back to her childhood when he'd be demanding an explanation for her behavior or where she'd been or what she had done.

"About what I did," she whispered.

Frank eyed her. "Say it."

She squeezed her eyes shut; she always hated when he made her say things that she didn't necessarily want to say. "Going into hiding," she finally murmured. "For being away so long."

Frank shook his head. "You didn't have any say in how long it was going to be, Johanna. I know you talked yourself into believing that it would only be a few months…and then months turned into years; but it isn't your fault…you couldn't risk putting Jim and Katie in danger by revealing yourself too soon. You had to wait for the right time; and I know, you feel like it took too long to find that time…but it's the way it was supposed to be. If you had come back sooner, it could've been disastrous. The time was right; you've been told that before. Learn to accept it and stop beating yourself up over it. For God's sake; you've turned yourself into a human punching bag."

A crackle of fire lit up her green eyes. "I have a lot of experience at being a human punching bag…it dates back to childhood."

He was quiet for a moment and then gave a wave of his hand. "We'll get back to that; we're talking about why you're bothered that I'm here."

"I told you why and you haven't given me any answers about it," she remarked.

"What answer are you looking for?"

She frowned. "I really don't want to play your twisted games today, Dad."

"You want to know if I think you did the right thing," Frank stated. "You want to know if I thought you were smart or foolish."

Johanna gave a slight nod, her gaze dipping to the floor; the carpeting suddenly of great interest and she made a mental note of maybe hinting to Jim that they should get something new.

"You did the right thing," her father remarked. "You did the smart thing. You didn't deserve to be caught in that web, and you didn't deserve to lose your life for it. You were saved because that's how it was supposed to be. You made the smart choice because by doing so, you not only kept yourself alive, you kept Katie and Jim safe too…because if you had tried to fight it, if they had known...none of you would've made it out, Johanna. You did the only thing that could be done; you waited for the right time to come back. I know it's not easy for you to live with the choices you were forced to make, but like I said; you need to accept it. It happened; it can't be changed, you made the choice anyone with common sense and an ounce of intelligence would make. I'm not angry with you, I'm not disappointed or ashamed or anything else you might think. You did what I wanted you to do; and believe it or not, Josie; I've been with you through those years…I was with you when you faced the bastard. You were strong and brave; you showed him what McKenzies are made of. You made me proud."

Tears filled her eyes but she didn't allow them to fall. "Really?" she whispered; her eyes meeting his.

He nodded. "You've always made me proud; I'm sorry I didn't tell you more often…I thought I was doing you a favor by not coddling you…but maybe I should've coddled you a little…gave you a little more security. I let you down in some areas, didn't I?"

She said nothing; fearful of answering that question; it didn't really seem like she needed to, it should've been obvious…and really she didn't like to anger her father…especially now that she was seeing him like this…she wasn't sure she wanted to deal with an angry ghost that would most likely make Sarah's temper tantrums look like a walk in the park.

"You can say it…I won't get angry," Frank told her.

Johanna gave a hesitant nod, the words refusing to roll off her tongue. An understanding look flicked across his features, the sight rare to her and yet she still couldn't find her voice.

"I know it won't help…but at the end; I regretted it so much," he said quietly. "I should've told you that…every day you made time to come and see me…to read me the newspaper because the medication gave me headaches and I couldn't stand to read when my head was pounding. I could've told you on any one of those days…I wanted to; I just couldn't find the right words…especially with the way things were between us. I'm sorry, Johanna. I could've been a better father to you; I should've shown you how much I love you more often. I shouldn't have made my hang ups your problem. I could've done a lot of things differently; I wish I had."

"I wish you had too."

"I know apologies don't make it better; but I hope at least that you'll believe me."

She refrained from commenting on that for the time being. She didn't know whether to believe his words or not…she wanted to…but she'd been burned by him before, more times than she could count or cared to remember. She sucked in a breath, trying to calm the torrent of emotions brewing inside of her.

"I should've held your hand," Frank said once more.

"I was a big girl," she stated; the bravado she wanted to present slipping, her voice quivering.

Her father shook his head. "No; you were a little girl…you're still my little girl, even now."

She scoffed in disbelief. "You are," he insisted. "There are always times when I look at you and see you as a little girl, your curly hair and your little face that could've been on a porcelain doll, wearing that little cowgirl outfit you loved so much when you were four. Frankie made me get you a holster and a gun so you could play cowboys with him; you were so tiny I had to punch a new hole in the belt just so it would stay up on your hips," he said with a chuckle.

Johanna looked at him with a raised brow. "What?" her father asked. "You were a cute little girl…and you grew up to be a beautiful woman."

"I guess it's just hard to believe you have fond memories like that of me."

"I do have fond memories," Frank remarked. "Don't you?"

"I have fond memories of lots of things," she replied. "Jim, Katie, my siblings…"

"I meant of me," he said, a bit of tartness in his tone.

She rocked herself for a moment. "I don't know."

He looked at her with a mix of sternness, offense…and something she couldn't quite put her finger on. "Don't you ever remember the good times?" Frank asked.

"Depends, what day was that?" Johanna asked.

"Quit being a smartass!"

She smirked. "I thought I was asking a legitimate question."

"What about when we'd watch Perry Mason together?"

Johanna shrugged. "It was nice but it was also courtroom combat training…you argued with me a lot about my theories when they differed from yours."

Frank frowned. "Fine, what about when we danced when you were little… at that big birthday party for your grandfather."

She looked at him incredulously. "What the hell are you talking about?"

"Stop doing that!" her father bellowed.

"Doing what? I don't remember dancing with you when I was little."

"Yes, you do! How can you not remember?!"

"Probably because I was young when this supposedly happened and ten other bad memories took its place."

Frank glowered at her. "There were pictures!"

"Dad, I don't remember and I never saw any pictures of it!"

Her father's jaw grew tight and his eyes snapped with anger. "You don't remember because you don't want to!"

Johanna shook her head. "Believe me, Dad; that's something that I'd want to remember. I'd much rather forget you screaming at me when I broke my arm."

Anger was still written upon his face. "You were probably four years old…you were wearing a little white dress, trimmed in lace with puffed short sleeves and black patent leather dress shoes…they were so shiny, you keep leaning over to see yourself in them when you were sitting down. Your hair was curly then; your mother had a white bow fixed in your hair."

"I don't remember," she said gently. "I'm sorry."

"The song was Moonlight Serenade," he went on; unable to let the memory go.

"I know the song," Johanna replied. "You and Mom used to play it all the time; it's from before I was even born."

"It was one of your grandfather's favorites," Frank stated. "It was the first song your mother and I ever danced to, at a long ago closed down nightclub. We always danced to that song; but that night she got called away to help with something and you wanted to dance so I danced with you, I held you and we danced and you giggled and begged to spin around…and I did…just to hear you laugh."

She couldn't remember; no matter how much she wanted to, and she wished with everything she had that she could remember that moment, because maybe if she had that memory it would ease something deep within her heart; but it was lost to her and she was sorry that it clearly hurt him that she couldn't recall a memory that he had held dear. "I'm sorry," she murmured.

He shook his head. "It's not your fault," he remarked; an edge to his tone. "I guess you have no good memories of me."

Johanna's head dipped; she had a few memories she cherished…it was just hard to be open with him about them. "I remember when we danced at my wedding…that was a good memory…we danced to Elvis Presley's 'Memories'."

"Why is that a good memory?" he asked.

Her gaze met his. "Because it was the one time in my life I could remember feeling like you didn't want to let me go," she said softly. "As the song played through, you started holding on a little tighter…that's why I made them play it twice…I wanted to hang on a little longer."

"I was glad," he confessed. "I wasn't ready to let go either."

"It's a little hard for me to believe that," Johanna admitted.

"I know; but it doesn't make it any less true. Do you know why I picked that song?"

She shrugged. "Because you liked it?"

"Not only that," he replied. "I always thought of you when I heard that song."

"Why?"

"Because it was playing on the radio the day you were getting ready to go to your senior prom. You were walking around the house in a white blouse and jean shorts, trying to break in your new heels, your hair in curlers and waving your hands to make your nail polish dry…and it hit me then that you'd be graduating in a few weeks…going off to Columbia in the fall…you weren't a little girl anymore. I had blinked and you had grown," he said with a wistful note. "All that day I watched you getting ready, fussing over your hair, your nails, you dress…and all I could think about was when you were little and you'd walk around in your mother's heels and one of her old dresses she cut down for you girls to play dress up with. You had an old floppy hat and a pair of lacy gloves someone had given you…and your hair was always curly back then. It was difficult to reconcile that the little girl who played dress up was now a young woman…and that song always reminded me of that."

Tears stung her eyes. "Why couldn't you be like this when we had time together?" Johanna asked. "Do you know how much it hurts to know that you could've been capable of it?"

"I know," Frank stated quietly.

"Why couldn't you just love me like I needed you to?" she cried. "Why did you have to be so harsh and cold with me? Why did you sometimes crack the door open and let me have hope only to slam it in my face? Why couldn't you just love me…despite what I reminded you of? Do you know how unfair it is to be punished for something you can't control? I feel like I've been through that sort of punishment twice in my life…first with you…and then when I took that damn case and was exiled from my family…from my whole life. That cycle started with you…I'm always paying for someone else's sins! Why!? Why did you do that to me!?"

"Because I was selfish!" he exclaimed angrily. "I was selfish and foolish; I robbed us both over something you had no control over and I regret it…I carry it with me. I know I done you wrong. I know you deserved a better father…I've always known it; and yet I didn't change. I was a fool, Johanna; okay? Does it help to hear it put that way? Does it make you feel better?"

"No," she cried. "You knew what you were doing…and yet you continued to blame me my whole life for something that I didn't even know about and the reason just isn't good enough, Dad. It's not good enough…and knowing the truth…it makes me angry and hurt and things I can't even put a name on, but I forgave you anyway…"

"And a part of you didn't want to, did you?" Frank asked.

"No," she admitted through her tears. "A part of me wanted to deny you forgiveness…I wanted to punish you like you punished me…but I couldn't live with the thought that my lack of forgiveness might keep you from having peace…and sometimes I don't know why I care about your peace or not, because you never seemed to care about mine…"

"You care because you love me," her father remarked. "You try not to…you always have, and I admit, there were times I believed that maybe you didn't…and I told myself I was alright with that; but I wasn't. I didn't want you to believe that I hated you and I didn't want to believe that you hated me."

"But I've said it at times…once you were gone," Johanna said, swallowing hard. "You probably heard me."

"I did," he said with a nod; "But I knew you didn't mean it. You wanted to hate me so it wouldn't hurt so much…but I know you didn't mean it, Johanna. I know you love me in the best way you can; a way that I didn't make easy…but it was impossible to erase…isn't it?"

"I guess it was," she said softly. "Why couldn't you just talk to me about your reasons? Maybe things could've been better if you had just talked to me once in awhile…maybe I could've made things easier somehow...I could've changed my hair color or stayed away more…something to ease the distaste. I would've tried at least…but you never talked to me about any of it."

"Because I didn't like to talk about it," Frank said tartly.

Johanna scoffed softly. "It must be where Katie gets it."

"Aren't there things you don't want to talk about?" he asked.

"Yeah…and somehow I always end up talking about them anyway," she answered. "It doesn't always help but at least the people I care about know whatever it is."

"Well we can't all be perfect like you," Frank said sarcastically.

"Please," she said with a bitter laugh. "Don't you dare imply that I think I'm perfect because I'm so far from that word that I can't even see it in the distance."

"My mother was never an easy topic to discuss," he said tartly.

"Yes, I know; I remember being told when I was about thirteen to never mention her again when I asked about her because I had to do a family tree for school."

"I should've told you about your grandmother…I should've told you what you wanted to know about her and then told you that I didn't want to speak about it again."

"She didn't leave you on purpose, Dad; it's the last thing she would've wanted."

"I know that," he snapped. "But you don't know what it was like growing up with my grandmother…she told us if our mother really loved us she wouldn't have been foolish enough to get caught in the rain when she knew she hadn't recovered completely from her last ailment."

"But you knew your mother loved you…you had to know."

"I did…or at least I thought I did; then my grandmother, Amelia; she just taught us to hate her and she wouldn't let us see our other grandmother or anyone else in my mother's family."

"Grandpa shouldn't have allowed that," she murmured. "Why didn't he stop her from ruling with an iron fist?"

"Because he was too busy drowning in his grief. For the first few years all that mattered to him was work and a few glasses of scotch at the end of the day. Some days he didn't even come home. I learned to hate my mother and anything that reminded me of her…and then you came along…with her hair color, her eyes, her laugh…and then your mother had to go and give you my mother's middle name. It was just too much."

"But it wasn't my fault," Johanna murmured.

"It didn't seem to matter at times that it wasn't your fault, now did it?"

The comment carried the sting of a slap. "I guess it didn't matter…after all, I have plenty of evidence to prove it. Maybe Mom thought you'd feel better if she honored your mother by giving me a part of her name…and really, that's all she was doing; she just wanted to honor her for you."

"I know a part of you feels and thinks that your mother let me get away with the way I acted toward you," Frank remarked as he eyed her knowingly. "You never get angry at her for it…but it's there."

"How can I be angry with her when I know there wasn't anything she could do to change you? She was the center of my world when I was a kid, she was the person I looked to for guidance as a young woman…I tried to live up to her image…and I've failed horribly, but I never doubted that she loved me…and maybe I never doubted that she thought you were wrong to be the way you were…but her hands were tied and it wasn't her fault."

"No, it wasn't her fault…but maybe I felt like she didn't understand that part of me," Frank replied.

"Well did you ever try to talk to her about it? Did you ever try to tell her in a way that didn't involve acting like a jackass? Did you ever try doing it without blowing your stack over it?"

Frank glared at her. "Meaning what?"

Johanna gave a short laugh as she shook her head. "Meaning you're not exactly known for your conversational skills. You never liked to actually talk about anything…you liked to bark, bellow and demand."

"It's how you get results," he retorted. "Why do you think I was successful at business?"

"We weren't your employees or your competition, Dad. We were your family!"

"Your mother and I talked about a lot of things, Johanna; you don't know everything; you don't know what we discussed behind closed doors; but that doesn't mean she understood. If she had understood anything, she would've named you Melissa like we planned!"

"That's not my fault," she remarked. "And if the name she gave me distressed you so much, why didn't you have it changed? You had the money, you had a lawyer that could've taken care of it; back then it wouldn't have been all that hard to do…you probably wouldn't have even needed Mom's permission since you were my father and things were still male dominated back then. You could've went to the court the next day and filed papers to have Johanna Elizabeth changed to Melissa Elizabeth."

"It was supposed to be Melissa Alexandra," he snapped. "I wanted you to have your mother's middle name, not my sister's!"

"Again; not my problem…although I would've liked my middle name to have been Alexandra; but the point stands; you had the power to change it…so why didn't you?"

Frank stared her down but she refused to blink. "Why didn't you try to change it," she repeated.

"I don't know."

Her brow rose. "I was never allowed to get away with an answer like that."

"I didn't change it because it didn't seem worth the hassle…your mother would've yelled for weeks and you had already been unnamed for too long and I didn't want you thinking your name was 'baby' or 'sissy'."

"I was a newborn, Dad; I didn't know anyone's name, let alone my own."

Frank gave her a stern look. "I guess I figured that the name suited you even if I did hate it."

Johanna's gaze dipped. "Because you already hated me," she murmured.

"No," he said, his tone softer. "I didn't hate you…I just wished you didn't look like her."

"I look like Mom too," she remarked. "Couldn't you focus on that?"

"I did…as much as I could; but then you'd do something or say something that would remind me of my mother and I couldn't stand it."

"But I didn't know I was doing it, I didn't know anything about her."

"I know…I know it wasn't your fault; that you couldn't help it that you had inherited some of her traits; but I couldn't help how I reacted either. I didn't want to be reminded of her; I didn't want you to be like her, I was afraid it doomed you to a bad fate…and don't go making something out of that because what happened to you has nothing to do with repeating my mother's history, even though neither one of you would've chosen the cards you were each dealt. I know my reasons for my behavior aren't good ones, I know that the truth doesn't ease your pain and make it better…it probably only made it worse because we can't change anything now."

"You're right," Johanna said softly. "It does make it worse in some ways…because I think about how if you had just told me…we could've at least had a little bit of time, we could've made our peace in a better way."

"I'm sorry," Frank told her. "I can't change the past; I wish I could but I can't…just like you can't change it. I had to accept that I can't change what I did, that I kept us from having the relationship we could have…and you have to accept that you did the only thing you could do thirteen years ago; you can't change it."

"That's different, Dad."

"I know that; but once you accept it and learn to let it go, you'll feel better. I have my regrets, Johanna; so do you, but I don't want you to be ate alive by things you can't control or change."

She grew silent; the message one all of her visitors seemed to bestow upon her but she was more concerned with the unfinished business of their relationship; the wounds that had never completely healed…things that bothered her from time to time.

"What's on your mind, Josie?" Frank inquired.

"Why did you put my letter in with Katie's?" she asked; her throat tight with emotion.

"Not for the reasons you think," he replied. "I didn't do it on purpose or to hurt you…I was trying to hide the letters from your mother and I accidentally shoved them both into the same envelope. I'm sorry, I know it hurt you; I know you thought it was one last slap for the road but I swear to you it wasn't."

"It felt like it at the time," she murmured. "It still felt like it when Katie found it."

"And then you didn't even want to read it," Frank remarked.

"Can you blame me?" Johanna asked.

Her father glanced away for a moment. "No; I suppose I can't."

"I was afraid it was a listing of my faults…and I'm already acutely aware of them," she commented, her fingers toying with the hem of her shirt.

"I just needed you to know…I wrote it that day after you had visited; I told you I loved you and I could tell you didn't believe me…and it hurt; a hurt of my own making. I knew then I was a failure."

"You're not a failure," Johanna stated. "You can't help how you felt."

"But I do love you; I always have, I wasn't lying to you that day."

She wasn't ready to fully go down that road yet so she shifted her focus to the next item on the list that had formed in her mind. "Why didn't you give me Sarah's box yourself?"

"I just felt like I couldn't after I had hidden it for so long," he answered. "I thought I could trust Frankie with the task. I didn't know he'd take his grief out on you."

"You should've given it to Jim," she replied. "You could've called him at work and had him come over when no one was there. He would've given it to me."

"I didn't think of that option at the time," Frank remarked. "If I had, I would've done that. I did feel badly for keeping that box from you after I had promised your grandfather that I'd give it you. I know I disappointed him…he's told me so."

Johanna's head bobbed in understanding. "You were very angry with me when Grandpa passed."

"I know…I used you as my verbal punching bag during that time. I took my grief out on you…but just know that your mother did slap me for it."

Her eyes widened in surprise. "She did?"

Frank nodded. "She did…your mother could back a hell of a sting in that hand."

"I know," she replied. "She slapped me the night of Colleen's rehearsal dinner."

"We both learned not to say certain things, didn't we?" Frank said with a wry chuckle.

"Yeah; I guess we did."

Seriousness swept back across her father's features. "I'm not proud of that time, Johanna. I'm not proud of hurting you so badly…especially when you were grieving too. I know you were only trying to help him when the doctor told you to play along with his delusions…you were only giving him comfort and I wouldn't allow myself to see that. I know you've never forgotten the things I said that day and I wish I could take it all back."

"It's okay," Johanna said softly as she glanced away.

"No, it isn't," he replied. "I regret it and I apologize."

"We got past it," she stated.

"But it changed things between us, didn't it? You didn't try as hard anymore…I don't know exactly how to explain it, but there were times when it felt like you had somehow managed to put up a barrier between us for the most part…I think in my letter I described it as a door that you'd crack open once in awhile to test the waters and if it didn't seem right, you'd close it and go on without complaint."

"I guess I was trying to protect myself…I didn't ever want to have to hear you say those things again that you said after Grandpa's funeral."

"I know…you tried to keep to yourself as much as you could when it came to me. If I hadn't demanded to meet Jim after you got engaged, I'm sure you wouldn't have introduced me to him until I walked you down the aisle at the wedding."

"I was afraid you'd treat him unfairly…that he would be a new soft spot for you to kick."

"I suppose I can't blame you for thinking that way," Frank commented; "But I never considered doing that for a moment."

"I was glad that you didn't."

Her father glanced at her. "I tried to do better after Katie was born."

Johanna gave a nod. "I think we both did…I didn't want her to see how bad it could get between us. After reading your letter though, I couldn't help but wonder why her eyes didn't bother you…she has my eyes…she looks like me, except for her hair color and her height."

"Her eyes did bother me when I first looked at them," he admitted. "But I didn't want to make the same mistake twice. I didn't want to punish my granddaughter the way I had punished my daughter. It was easier to look at her and think that she looked like you and Naomi than the reminder of Sarah McKenzie that came through her genes. You and Katie both have Naomi's nose and her mouth. Your hands are like your mother's; Katie has your mother-in-law's hair color and Jim's height. Maybe there were enough differences to make it easier with Katie, but I really didn't want to make that mistake again. I wish I hadn't made it with you."

"There's nothing to be done about it now," she said softly. "I guess we managed the best we could."

"I was hard on you," Frank stated; "I was afraid if I wasn't you'd have that supposed weakness I was made to believe that my mother had…but you're not weak; and my mother, her only fault was that at that point in time her lungs were weaker than they should've been due to a previous illness. It was hard to understand that…even harder after my grandmother's brainwashing."

"I understand," Johanna replied. "I just hope that you've made your peace with her now."

"I have," he answered. "She told you so; we're alright now, we're all together and we look after all of you."

"That's good to know."

"I know that things haven't been easy for you since you've come home to New York."

She gave him a small smile. "Seems like nothing ever is easy for the McKenzies…just seems to be our luck somehow."

"But we find our way out of it eventually," Frank remarked. "You'll find your way, you always have before."

"Sometimes it feels like it's getting harder instead of easier."

"There's going to be hard times and growing pains, Johanna; you just have to know that you're going to be fine when it finally passes."

"I hope so," she sighed. "I wish we had a little more moral support from so called loved ones at times but as long as I have Jim, I'll be fine."

"You don't have to worry about that; he's always going to be there for you, just like he always has been."

"I know," she said softly. "I thank God for that every day."

It was quiet for a moment before he spoke once again and broke the silence that she had been afraid would linger. "Things are…difficult between you and your sister," Frank remarked as he met her eye.

Johanna gave a slight nod, noting how difficult it seemed to be for him to have so many serious conversations with her. "Difficult might not be the best term for it."

"What would you call it?" he asked.

She shrugged. "I don't know…final? There feels like there's a feeling of finality there…like nothing can be changed and I have to find a way to accept that but it isn't easy…but as you know, nothing ever is for me. I hate being that way; I hate that so many things bother me. It's the one way I wish I was like you in. Stuff like that never bothered you. I don't know if it was because you're a man or just because you didn't care. I wish I didn't care. My life would be so much easier if I just didn't care so much about every little thing."

"I don't want you to be too much like me in that regard, Johanna. Do I think there are areas where you should care a little less? Yes; because you drive yourself crazy. But I don't think it's a tactic you need in every aspect of your life. You just need some balance in that area…you're so much like your mother; she always thought with her heart first and her head second."

"She claims I'm like you."

"In some ways you are."

Johanna frowned. "We were talking about Colleen, I think."

Frank smiled wryly. "Is it so terrible to be like me in some ways?"

"The jury is still out on that one."

"Your sister was the topic," he remarked, ignoring her comment. "She was…"

"A bitch," Johanna supplied.

Frank's head bobbed slightly. "I can't say that; she's my daughter."

"How many times did you say it about me despite being your daughter?"

"Never. I never called you names like that. I called you a brat…that's entirely different word and there were times when you were a goddamn smart mouthed brat."

"But back to Colleen," Johanna replied.

"She's also a smart mouthed brat…that you've always allowed to get away with too much. I wish to God that your mother wouldn't have been home for an hour that night before Colleen's wedding when you two got into it and you were in the process of giving her the ass kicking she needed. I shouldn't have pulled you off of her. I should've left you finish it…you might've adjusted her attitude."

"I doubt it. Colleen is always going to be this way. Someone could walk up to her and punch her in the face and she'd still be the same person…just with a new cry about how she was victimized and unfairly treated. I just can't believe she had the audacity to stand there and say that you favored me over her…did I miss something? Was she not living in the same house with us?"

"She was there," Frank agreed. "But Colleen's got a different way of looking at things."

"A way that doesn't make any sense."

"It does to her."

She sighed. "What are you saying? Are you defending her, agreeing with her, or what? I mean I don't care either way; I know the truth; you weren't all that crazy about either one of us but you did favor Colleen over me."

"Did I?"

Johanna laughed but it lacked humor. "Yeah, you did."

"How do you figure?"

"Well let's see; Colleen was always on your lap when she was little; you didn't hold me. You were at every one of her birthday parties when we were kids; I remember parties of mine that you weren't at. You told her she didn't have what it took to be a singer and yet you were at every school talent show she entered…you didn't come to the school plays I was in though. She didn't get yelled at as much as I did, she got more warnings than I did…I was always straight to grounding. I don't recall you hitting her with the belt when she pushed you too far, but you hit me with it. You never slapped her across the face for her attitude…but you slapped me. Everything she wanted came before what I wanted; like her dance classes and pictures got paid for before my cheerleading uniform and pictures…and Grandpa had to pay for the pictures. There were a hundred and one little things that made me feel like she was favored over me…and it was fine, I knew you'd never favor me and I accepted that. But for her to say I was the favored one? Tell me she isn't living in a whole other universe."

"Your sister has always lived in another universe," Frank stated; "And honestly I don't know how any of you can say I favored one over the other…"

"You definitely favored Frankie over both of us."

"That's different; he's a boy; fathers always have a different relationship with their sons and you girls didn't make anything easy when it came to relationships with you."

Johanna arched a brow at him. " _I_ didn't make it easy?"

He glared at her. "Alright, you were more complicated because of me," he said grudgingly. "But the things you mentioned about Colleen…she sat on my lap when she was little because she invited herself to, she climbed up there and if I put her down your mother would give me a look or yell at me later. You never climbed up uninvited."

"Because I knew you didn't want me to sit with you."

"You could have…but you didn't. I'm not blaming you for it, I know why you didn't just climb up like Colleen did; but the fact remains that she usually took it upon herself and you didn't. As for your birthday parties, I know I missed some, but my trips to visit Colin weren't just whims; I had a stake in your grandfather's business and I went a few times a year to the board meetings. It wasn't anything personal against you; and to tell you the truth, I hated kids birthday parties, if I could've avoided all of them I would have. I did miss a few of Colleen's; I wasn't at her first birthday party and I wasn't at her third; you just don't remember because you were little. I missed a few of Frankie's too…but I had business to take care of and those dealings are what made it possible to provide you kids with birthday parties and anything else you needed or wanted. Any time I had to be away, I always brought you kids back a little gift to show that I had thought about you."

"I know," she replied.

"I'm pretty sure I yelled at Colleen just as much as I yelled at you…and if she didn't get grounded as much as she needed to be, it was because your mother didn't inform me of every detail of whatever she had done. There were probably a few times when I let her slide…because I didn't want to listen to the hissy fit she'd throw if I didn't. With you and your brother; you'd take your punishment, grumble about it going up the stairs but you didn't put on the show Colleen did…and honestly some days I just wasn't in the mood for it. I did hit Colleen with the belt; I don't know why you don't remember it but I did…not that it did her any good; which is probably why I stopped after awhile."

"You never slapped her across her face."

"I should have," Frank remarked.

"But you didn't."

He sighed. "Johanna, I slapped you across your face because you got a little too big for your britches that night and wouldn't shut your mouth when I warned you to; you kept on running your mouth, giving me that attitude of yours and yes, I slapped you across your face…it shut you up and adjusted your attitude. Maybe you should've given Katie a smack at some point in time and she wouldn't have the attitude problem she has."

"I did slap her once when she was a teenager," she admitted. "She snuck out and went to a party I told her she couldn't go to, so I went and found her…with a beer bottle in her hand and dressed like a street walker. I screamed at her all the way home and she screamed back…she called me a bitch…and I slapped her. I felt terrible…I always swore to myself that I'd never do that; I knew how it felt…and then I did it and I felt like I was turning into you."

"You might have felt bad for it but she deserved it…just like you deserved it. She could use a good smack nowadays."

"What makes you say that?"

"She has an attitude problem," Frank remarked. "She thinks that badge of hers makes her boss of the world and that everything gets to be on her terms. She thinks that going through hard times means she gets a special exemption from certain rules when it comes to relationships. Everything she does is fine in her mind, but let someone else do it and it's wrong. She only wants you around when it's convenient for her and she likes being able to slap your face with those thirteen years you had to be gone. She gets to push people away, she gets to call the shots, she gets to run…and that writer, he lets her. He coddles her and strokes her ego just as much as she strokes his. Like your sister, there's a part of her that likes to cast herself in the role of victim, and I'm not discounting the things she's been through, in some ways she has been a victim, but she takes it to extremes, it's her favorite excuse. She wouldn't be able to function if she didn't have you to blame everything in her life on…and you, you let her do it. You let her do it because you think you owe it to her because you had to leave for awhile. Well guess what, Johanna; you don't owe her. I know she was hurt by what happened, but she was already grown up, you had raised her and done your job. It's not like she was a little girl still in elementary school and that you ran off to start a new life because you were bored. She likes to have control over everything, and with you, she wants you to be kept on the shelf when she doesn't want you and she wants you available at a moment's notice when she does, and she wants to call all the shots about how every relationship in her life goes. What Katie hasn't learned is that she doesn't get to have all the control and that she doesn't get to make all the rules and accuse other people of being coddled when she's coddled herself in a lot of ways."

"She sounds a lot like you," Johanna replied.

He nodded. "It's not the first time you've made that assessment."

"No it isn't…she's also got a dose of Elizabeth in her."

"I love Katie," Frank stated. "I'm proud of her…but she needs some adjustments in her attitude and her behaviors. I don't want her to be like me…or that bag of a mother-in-law of yours. She talks about you needing to get over things...she needs to get over it too."

Johanna allowed that comment to pass for the moment. "It's been said that Jim coddles me."

"He does," her father replied; "But he's also not afraid to call you out on something. He's not afraid to fight with you or push back against you. That's why you two are balanced; it's why your relationship works, it's why its lasted and was able to come back from an unintended separation. You and Jim; you know that there's going to be tough moments and you know you're going to get through them together. Katie wants to do everything on her own."

"I should probably be defending her…but I've seen the things you mentioned…"

"Seeing her faults doesn't mean you love her any less, Johanna. You're her mother, she's always going to be perfect in some ways to you, but it's okay to see the not so perfect things too. The balance you have with Jim is the sort of balance you need with Kate. Quit kissing her backside; you're a McKenzie, we don't do that. When she pushes you, you shove her right back where she belongs. She might get pissed off, she might not talk to you for a few weeks…but let her go; she'll come back when she realizes it doesn't bother you and that you're not a doormat that's always out for her to wipe her feet on."

"Everyone keeps telling me that," she murmured.

Frank gave a nod. "Then keep listening to it and do what's suggested. You and I had our problems, Josie; we fought a lot, you walked away several times and didn't come around for weeks; and you were right to do that, just like we were right to stay quiet until you came back…but the point is, even with the way things were between you and I, you always came back…and one time I even came and asked you back in a round about way."

The spark of remembrance lit up her eyes. "When you came to my office after I got back from my vacation that summer Grandpa died?"

He nodded. "That's the time…I hadn't seen you in over a month and a half."

"You said Mom sent you."

"I didn't say that exactly."

"You implied it."

The spirit shifted a little. "She had been harping at me about it…but she didn't exactly tell me to go find you…I took that upon myself."

"Why?"

"Because she missed you and I was tired of her crying."

"So it wasn't about you at all?" she stated.

His gaze flicked to hers. "Alright, your mother was part of the reason but…I…"

"You what?"

"I missed you too," her father admitted.

Johanna glanced down at the floor. "I didn't think you ever missed me."

"I did…I just didn't like to admit it."

She gave a nod as her gaze met his once more. "I miss you…you might not believe that but I do."

"I believe you," he told her; "And I know it's not the same, but I'm with you. I always know what's going on in your world. I hear you when you talk to me."

Her chin quivered as she tried not to cry. "There was a moment over the summer when I told Jim that I was glad you weren't here to see what I had done because you'd probably tell me how stupid I was…."

"It's alright, Josie; I understood why you said it. I'm not angry."

She swallowed hard. "But I don't want to hurt you either."

"You didn't, I understood."

"You're not just saying that to make me feel better?"

Her father gave her a smile. "No, Josie; I really did understand…I understand you better than you think."

Johanna wasn't sure she wanted to delve into that so she shifted the focus back to their original topic. "I believe we were talking about Colleen originally."

"We were; and all I can say about your sister is that she's always been flighty and self-absorbed. She might figure it out one day and come around, but if she doesn't, that's her problem, not yours. You didn't do anything to her on purpose, you explained, you apologized, you offered to discuss it further. She wanted to act like a spoiled brat as always. If she wants to end up a bitter, lonely person, let her; she's not your problem. I know you've always felt like you have to take care of her but you don't. You don't owe her a damn thing. Let her have her pettiness, let her run off everyone who loves her. Maybe that's the only thing that will wake her up one day. I don't know why she is the way she is…it's just the way she was born. I'm proud of the successes of all my children. Was I a little extra proud of your law degree? Yes; I was. It's a high accomplishment, one that isn't easy to come by for a lot of people. You're a smart girl, you worked hard, you earned it and I was proud; I'm still proud. If Colleen wants to be jealous over something that happened decades ago, again, that's her problem. I was proud of her for finishing school and sticking with her career, especially since her attention sometimes wavers; but if she wanted to be something more, she could've been if she had given the effort. I had to convince her to go to college in the first place; that should've been proof that I cared. Don't take her issues onto your shoulders. She'll either come around or she won't and either way you have to make your peace with that. You have your brother, he'll be here for you, he loves you."

"I know; I'm glad to have him."

"And as for Katie; you're her mother and you love her; but that doesn't mean you have to abide by her rules. Just keep pushing back…you've already started…keep doing it. Remind her what you're made of…that you have some rules of your own. You were never afraid to have a backbone with me so don't be afraid to have one with her."

"I'm trying, Dad."

"I know you are…I just don't want you to give up."

"I won't."

"People that can't accept you for what you had to do don't deserve you, Johanna. You spend a lot of time worrying about the people who've turned their backs and they're not worthy of your attention…and that goes for Sharon too."

"Sharon?" she exclaimed.

"Don't act surprised," Frank replied. "I know how badly you want to resume your friendship with Sharon and yet she's left you hanging…promising to call but she never does and you keep on waiting."

"You think I should give up on her?" Johanna asked softly.

"Either that or make an effort, see what happens…then you'll know for sure where you stand."

"Maybe I'm afraid of the confirmation…because I think I already know. Her silence says it all."

Frank regarded her with a look that bordered on sympathetic; an unusual sight on his face, but it was there none the less. "It's her loss. I know it hurts you, but you'll be fine; you'll find the kind of friend you need."

"You sound like you know that for sure."

"Maybe I do," Frank replied. "You'll just have to trust me…you did always trust me at least; didn't you?"

Johanna nodded without hesitation. "Yes; I always trusted you…and I always felt safe with you."

"Good," he said sincerely. "I'm glad I at least made you feel safe; because I would've given my life for you, Johanna; I would've never hesitated. I would've given it for all three of my children and your mother too of course."

"I know, Dad. I know you would've done anything to protect us."

"That's right; and Jim will do anything to protect you and Katie."

She gave a small smile. "I know; I feel safe with Jim too…I guess it's the one way he's like you; he's always made me feel safe."

"He's a good man…you chose wisely. He loves you; you don't have to worry so much about things between the two of you; like I said earlier, you two get through things. He's not going to leave you. Everything's going to alright…you're going to be alright. Don't worry so much, it's going to be fine."

The tears filled her eyes once more. "Why do I feel better about hearing that from you? Jim tells me all the time…my other visitors have told me too…but when you tell me, I believe it like it's the absolute truth and I don't know why."

Frank met her eye and held her gaze. "Because you know I don't say things to appease you. You know that when I tell you something important that I mean it."

"I'll still worry though; even though I believe things when Jim says it…even with you saying it…I'll still worry."

"I know; you worry far too much and you need to stop. You worry about what every person in the world thinks of you and you don't need to. You worry about everyone else's feelings, everyone else's pain…while neglecting your own. Like with Sharon; you won't make an effort because you think you deserve it if she's trying to punish you…but you know, this isn't the first time she's turned her back on you. Don't you remember when she dropped you as maid of honor a few weeks before her wedding?"

"Yes; but we got past that. I was closer to her than I was Colleen in a lot of ways."

"And both of them have turned their back on you," Frank stated firmly. "Find out where you stand with Sharon and let it go if that's what she wants. Just like with your sister, let her go."

"Everyone keeps telling me to let everyone go…like I'm discarding used tissues and it's not that easy. I had to go thirteen years ago, but I clung to my family and friends in my memories…I couldn't let them go. I came home…"

"And thought you could make everything the same again," Frank interrupted. "But you can't. You can't make people understand, you can't make people listen or accept you. You can't define yourself by their rejection. You have your husband, you have your daughter and you have your brother…others will come, some won't, but it's not going to change you. You're the same person you've always been at the core. You're just now getting your feet on solid ground, it's going to take time for you to break free and heal but you can help yourself by learning how to accept things you can't change and how to let go of them instead of dwelling on them. You and Jim and Katie know the truth, that's all that matters. You don't owe anyone else anything. I'm sure your grandmother taught you some colorful phrases in Italian, use them once in awhile. Hell, say it in English. You're a lady like we raised you to be, but that doesn't mean a lady can't get pissed off once in awhile and let everyone know it. You have a backbone, use it. You have an attitude, use it when needed."

"With the media?" Johanna asked.

Frank eyed her sternly. "With anyone who needs it; don't back down. Don't lower your head. Don't feel ashamed. Don't hide yourself. Your mother always said you had enough fire in you to blaze for days on end, so you do it…you go out there and you blaze, and you burn those son of a bitches and show them that you're in control of your life and they won't keep you from doing whatever you damn well please."

"I'm working on it…I'm trying to do better."

"I know you are," her father said. "I just don't ever want you to forget who you are or where you came from or what you're made of. Something bad happened to you, it hurt you, it brought you to your knees for a long time, but it's time to get back up and start fighting back…and you don't always have to use words to fight; actions work just as well. If you show the world you don't care what they think, that they can't make you hide or change yourself and your ways, they'll leave you alone."

"I wish they would leave me alone," she said softly. "It's a strain on all of us."

He nodded. "Eventually you're going to have to fight back in some way, Johanna."

"I know…I just dread it."

"You're going to be fine," he assured. "I wouldn't lie to you about that."

"I just hate this so much," she told him. "I hate people prying into my business; I hate that people I want to listen, won't listen; and that I always feel like I'm wobbling with the Katie and how I get so afraid that I'll do something to make Jim change his mind. It's a heavy load to carry."

"Then lighten it," Frank replied. "Jim isn't going to change his mind, stop worrying about. You know the two of you are strong despite any obstacles that come your way. With Katie, I told you what to do, so has your mother. Give her some tough love and a little bit of an attitude adjustment. Let your sister be bitter with the Westons; she's not your problem and you don't need to waste tears or worry on her. Strangers who want to judge you, tell them to go to hell. They don't know you and your story; they haven't walked in your shoes and endured what you did so they need to keep their damn mouth shut. Don't give them the power to weigh you down. Find ways to make it easier on you; start worrying about what you need a little more instead of everyone else. You can't fix everything on your own; they have to do some fixing of their own."

"I'm trying."

"Try harder; you're better than this…and no, that's not an insult. I know you're doing your best, you're moving slowly, being cautious…but you can try a little harder…not for them, but for you. It might make you feel selfish in some ways, but you need to think about yourself a little more. I believe the word your mother used was 'balance'; you can find balance, you just have to look for it."

"I'll find it," Johanna stated. "A little at a time."

He gave a nod. "Remember that."

Silence fell between them for a few moments as she considered broaching the question she was sure she had asked earlier but hadn't received and answer for. "Dad; why did you come?" Johanna asked softly. "Was there a certain reason?"

Frank studied her for a moment. "You thought the only reason I'd come was if it was to lecture you about something, don't you?"

She gave a hesitant nod. "It seems like everyone so far has had something specific in mind about the current state of affairs."

"We spoke of that," he replied. "But I didn't see any reason to dwell on it; it's been mentioned and I'm pretty sure you know what you need to do as you ease through each step of this process. You're a smart girl, you know what you're doing…you might stumble sometimes but you get back up and this business you're going through won't be any different. I wanted to see you mainly so we could clear up some things from the past…toward the end, I didn't give you what you needed to have the right kind of closure and I should've talked to you about those things. I wanted to tell you that I'm sorry…that I'm still with you, looking after you…that I love you; I always have, from the moment your mother told me she was pregnant. I never stopped loving you…I know I made you doubt it…I know you've accused me of hating you and I understand why you thought that, but I love you, Johanna. I'm not lying to you when I tell you that; it's the truth, I swear to you it is."

Tears slipped down her cheeks and she wiped them away as she took a shuddering breath. "There have been times when I said I hated you," she said quietly; her tone wobbling with emotion.

"I know," Frank replied; an odd look of understanding in his eyes.

"I'm sorry," she said softly. "I didn't mean it…I never really hated you…I wanted to, sometimes I wished I could, because I wanted you to love me and it felt like you didn't and I didn't want to love someone who couldn't love me in return."

Frank nodded. "It's alright, Josie; I've always understood when anger would make you feel that way. I wouldn't blame you if did hate me."

She shook her head. "But I don't," she sniffled. "I do love you, Dad. I always did."

Her father rose from the chair and crossed the room to join her on the sofa; his arms reaching for her and enfolding her in a tight embrace. "I know," he told her.

She knew from previous experience that his hug wouldn't feel like she remembered but she sank into the embrace just the same, a sob breaking free as she tried to hold on tightly to the spirit; her mind wondering once again how it could be that she was allowed to touch, but she recalled Sarah's words "ours is not to question why" and allowed the thought to pass in favor of savoring, of breathing in the scents she remembered from childhood as his hand brushed over her head.

"You're a brave girl," Frank murmured. "You're every inch a McKenzie…you make me proud."

"You're leaving now, aren't you?" she cried as she tried unsuccessfully to tighten her grip.

"My time is almost up," he confirmed as he hugged her a little tighter, trying to make up for all the times he hadn't when he should have. "I want you to do something for me…for both of us."

"What?" she asked tearfully.

"I want you to remember the good times more than the bad. We have good memories, Johanna; I want you to think about them and remember them and hold on to them. I want you to do that and I want you to believe and know that everything I told you today is the truth. I want to know that we've truly made our peace…so if there's still something you need to say or ask, please do it now."

Johanna shook her head. "I think I mentioned the things I've wondered about or wanted to say…but will you give me a sign sometimes that you're around?"

"I will," he promised. "Will you try to remember the good times more?"

"I remember once when I was a little girl," she said softly; "I was afraid…I don't remember why, but you held me and told me you wouldn't let anything hurt me…you held me until I fell asleep."

"It was a thunderstorm," Frank replied. "Your mother was in Brooklyn, taking care of your grandmother because she'd had surgery. Frankie heard you crying and came and got me. You wanted your mother but I managed to convince you that I could take care of you."

"It's a good memory, isn't it?"

"Yes; that's a good start," her father said as he gently pushed her back, his hands remaining on her arms. "You keep thinking of those good ones…more will come back once you start to think of them. I have to go now, Josie."

"I don't want you to go," Johanna cried.

Frank gave her a small smile and brushed his thumb against her cheek, wiping away a tear. "I know; I'm sorry we didn't have times like this when it could've happened more frequently; but I'm with you and I love you."

"I love you too…will you hug Mama for me?"

"I will," he promised before leaning forward and pressing a kiss against her forehead, making her cry even more as she remembered that all too rare gesture he'd bestow upon her. "You remember, you're a McKenzie…you don't ever lower your head."

"I remember."

"I've got to go now," he said as he rose from the sofa. "Are we okay?"

Johanna nodded. 'We're okay, Dad; I meant it when I said I forgave you."

"Thank you," he murmured.

She managed a wobbly smile for him before he faded away and then she allowed the soul wracking sobs to break free…finally allowing herself a chance to mourn him in a way she never had before.

* * *

When Jim walked through the back door late that afternoon, he didn't find his wife in the kitchen as expected. He walked through the house and found her sitting on the floor in the living room, her gaze fixated on the TV screen where their wedding and reception video was playing. The soft sounds of Elvis Presley's 'Memories' sounded from the television; the scene on the screen was of her dance with her father. Jim moved quietly to her side and sat down next to her, startling her a little as she hadn't registered his presence. "How long have you been here?" Johanna murmured.

"Just a minute or two," he replied as he put an arm around her. "What made you dig out this tape and the VCR?"

"I was thinking about it…about my father," she answered.

"What brought that on?"

She shrugged a little as she settled against his side. "I guess I'm just trying to remember better moments with him."

He had a feeling it was more than that but he nodded and allowed it to pass without comment as he gave her shoulder a squeeze. He glanced at the screen, holding her a little tighter without thought as he watched the scene. If you didn't know them, in that moment of time, captured on the film, Frank and Johanna looked like the millions of other fathers and daughters in the world. They looked close. For the span of a song, Frank McKenzie looked like a father who wasn't ready to let his little girl go…and when Johanna had asked for the song to play one more time, he had had a feeling that there was a part of her that needed just a few more minutes to feel like daddy's girl…but he had never asked her to confirm that thought. He hadn't mentioned it at all back then or at anytime over the course of their marriage…and maybe the moment had come, but he wasn't quite sure if he should ask or not, so he went with the next question that had always plagued him.

"I wonder why Frank picked that song?" he asked, his tone quiet in hopes of only causing a mild disturbance to the memory she was reliving.

"It was playing on the radio while I was getting ready for the prom."

"What?" he asked; his gaze shifting away from the screen to focus on her, noting the sheen of tears glistening in her eyes.

"He told me he picked that song because every time he heard it, he remembered me getting ready for the prom…because it was playing on the radio while I was walking around the house with my hair in curlers, trying to break in my heels and waving my hands around trying to get my nail polish to dry faster. He said it was then that it hit him full force that I'd be graduating from high school within a few weeks…that I was all grown up and all he could think about was of when I was a little girl."

A surprisingly sentimental sentiment from Frank, Jim thought to himself. He hadn't realized that his father-in-law held on to memories like that. "I didn't know that he had ever told the reason."

"He told me," she murmured; neglecting to mention that it was his ghost that had imparted the information. She didn't want to get in to that at the moment.

His thumb rubbed against her shoulder soothingly. "I never asked you why you had them play it twice."

"I wasn't ready to let the moment go," Johanna admitted for the second time that day. "Everything felt different for the span of the song…I just needed it to last a few more minutes."

"I can understand that," he replied. "It was a good moment for the two of you."

"Sometimes the good memories are hard to remember," she said softly.

"I know...there were a lot of bad times between you and Frank…and it still isn't your fault."

"I know; I just wish it was easier to think about the good memories than the bad."

"I guess you just have to push away the instinct for the bad ones and dig a little deeper for the good ones," Jim remarked. "It would probably make you feel a little better if you did remember the good ones more."

"I'm sure it would," she agreed. "I know our good memories make me feel better than thinking about the bad ones from the last several years."

"That's why I'm always sure to remind you of them," he said warmly as he pressed a kiss against her head. "Our wedding is a pretty good memory though so it looks like you're killing two birds with one stone. You looked so beautiful…you still do of course…but extra beautiful that day…am I digging myself a hole?" he asked. "Because if I am, make me stop because it's not what I intended."

"No," Johanna said with a soft laugh. "I get what you're saying; you thought I was a beautiful bride."

"The most beautiful bride there ever was," he declared; "And you're still my beautiful bride."

She smiled. "And you're still my handsome groom."

Jim grinned at her. "We're just too damn good looking for our own good."

She laughed; the melancholy feeling that had been lingering after Frank's departure dissipating as she captured her husband's lips in a kiss. "You always make me laugh," she said warmly. "No matter what you always find a way."

"I do my best," he told her. "I'm glad I haven't lost my touch."

Johanna shook her head. "You haven't lost your touch in any way."

"Good; I don't want you trading me in."

"That will never happen."

Jim hugged her to him. "Is there any specific reason why Frank's on your mind today? You're not thinking about things you shouldn't be, are you?"

"No," she murmured. "I guess it's the time of year or going through Sarah's diaries and trying to learn her family history…it just makes me think about him. I miss him…it probably seems strange for me to say that."

"No, it's not strange. I know you miss him, sweetheart; it's not a secret…just like I know you love him despite it all."

"I do," she softly admitted. "I do love him."

"There's nothing wrong with that, you know? Good or bad or in between, he was still your Dad and you loved him…it always showed, Johanna. I know you thought it didn't but it did…and I know somewhere inside, despite his faults and his moments of being a complete jackass to you, he loved you too."

"I know," Johanna said, her eyes returning to the screen, watching as the dance came to an end, her father hugging her tightly before kissing her cheek and leading her back to her new husband.

"We need to get this tape transferred to DVD," Jim stated.

"I know but I worry about it getting lost or damaged."

"We have your mother's copy, sweetheart; I found it in the box with her photo albums when you asked me to dig them out for you when you were at Katie's. I put it in the safe so it wouldn't get misplaced again. We could always use that tape to get the transfer done; Jeff's brother does that stuff as a side job; I'm sure we could trust him with the copy."

"I forgot about having Mom's copy," she replied. "We should use that copy and have it done…we'll get it back, right?"

"Yes; he'll give it back along with the disc."

She snuggled against him. "Then see when it can be done."

"You got it…but how about after dinner we replay this from the beginning so I can watch it with you?" he asked. "Do you mind a repeat?"

"No; I don't mind…good memories are never a bad thing to repeat."

"I agree," Jim replied as his phone began to play music. "There's your little ghost friend," he said as he fished his phone from his pocket. "I thought maybe she abandoned me today."

"Oh, she wouldn't do that."

"I still think it's Sarah…you ready to make any confessions…it's okay you know, your attorney is present."

Johanna smirked at him. "I think I'm going to stick to pleading the fifth."

"Which we all know is a sign of guilt."

"If that's what you want to believe," she replied as she stopped the tape and got up from the floor so she could go get dinner started.

"We're not done talking about this ghost we have roaming around," Jim called after her. "I'm going to get it out of you one day."

"I guess we'll see about that," she replied; wondering if she'd ever really have the nerve to tell him the whole story.


	11. Chapter 11

_Author's Note: Thanks for your reviews!_

Chapter 11- Goodbye

" _Listen little child, there will come a day when you be able to say never mind the pain or the aggravation, you know there's a better way for you and me to be"- Spice Girls_

The next morning, Johanna sat in the office absentmindedly browsing the internet as she waited for Sarah to appear. She didn't call out to her as she usually did the morning after having a visitor. Today she hesitated. She had a feeling that her father's visit probably signaled the end of her visitations and she wasn't sure if she should be relieved or disappointed…after all, she would miss Sarah's habit of popping in when it suited her. She felt like she was just starting to get to know her and she'd be leaving…and she felt like she'd be left with a small hole in heart and a sense of mourning.

Johanna gave a shake of her head; maybe she was losing her mind if chats with a ghost were one of the highlights of her day. Really, what did it say about her sanity?

"Honestly, darling; how many times do I have to tell you that you're perfectly sane?" Sarah asked as she appeared in front of the desk.

Johanna glanced up and smiled. "Can you blame me for wondering?"

"Yes," her grandmother said with a nod as she took a seat on the piano bench that Johanna had already pulled over for her in anticipation of her arrival. "It's only the sane who question their sanity. Think about it; have you ever heard a truly insane person wondering if they were crazy?"

"No; but I'm not sure I've met any truly insane people…my mother-in-law fell more in the class of manipulator and had the skill to be a criminal mastermind."

"Lucky you," Sarah quipped. "I know an insane person…my mother-in-law…or as I like to call her, the Dragon."

"Is that all you called her?" Johanna asked in amusement.

"No; but Dragon was always one of my favorites; I even made up a story for the children about a fire breathing dragon…whose name might have been similar to Amelia's…Patrick wasn't amused but the children enjoyed the story."

"I'm sure they did," she said with a soft laugh before her gaze turned serious. "I guess you're probably here to talk about Dad though."

Sarah smiled knowingly. "Ah; you want to get right into the business, huh?"

She shrugged. "We don't have to…it's not always my favorite topic."

"Yes, I know," her grandmother replied; "But you're right, part of my visit today is to talk about your father. He came to see you yesterday."

Johanna gave a nod. "He did."

"It was a little bit of a bumpy start," Sarah remarked.

"Yeah…you could say so; he's still got that knack for wounding."

Sarah's head bobbed slightly in acknowledgment. "I saw…I wasn't pleased to see him fall into those old habits."

Johanna's foot tapped against the floor. "I expected it…but it still packs a sting."

"He did apologize though."

She nodded. "Yeah, he did…it was a rare moment."

Sarah studied her for a long moment. "Did it help to see him?"

"Help in what way?"

"Do you feel any better about your father?"

"That's a difficult question to answer," Johanna remarked. "On one hand I feel like I'm having some kind of odd second mourning now…and on another hand, I'm glad to know that he cared more about me than I thought and even though I forgive him, there's still this little part of me that's angry when I think of how it could've been if he had just allowed it."

She could see the spirit choosing her words carefully but she stayed silent, waiting for whatever it was that her grandmother had to say.

"I'm afraid you're always going to have that part of you, darling," Sarah murmured softly. "Nothing can take it away completely; but I'm hoping that it helped in some way…helped to ease the pain."

"I suppose it has," Johanna said softly. "But like I said, it's also brought about some kind of second mourning and I don't know how to feel about that at the moment."

"You should accept it and let yourself feel it," her grandmother instructed gently. "I know Frank isn't an easy subject for you; I know your feelings are complicated, and rightfully so; but I think you'll feel better if you allow yourself to work through it now. I know you've never felt like you properly mourned him."

Tears stung her eyes. "It took me six weeks to cry, Sarah," she whispered. "Six weeks…I felt like Frankie was right, I was a heartless bitch."

Sarah shook her head. "No, darling; you were just numb; you knew it was coming and you steeled yourself…you didn't want to feel it, so you didn't, not until something broke through. You thought he denied you what he had given everyone else, a letter speaking of his thoughts and feelings…it felt like a final slap, behavior you were used to from him and that's what cracked you open. You allowed yourself one night of tears and then you boxed those feelings up and shoved them into the deepest corner of your soul while you deposited the check he left you into Katie's college fund. You weren't finished grieving, Johanna. When Katie found your letter, a little more of it cracked open…and now more has come…you need to let it; it might help you make your peace with him."

"I feel like I have made my peace; I told him I forgave him…I told him that I love him."

Sarah nodded. "I know; and he was glad to hear it."

"I told him I'd try to remember the good memories more often than the bad ones."

"That's definitely something you should do."

"I watched the video of my wedding last night," Johanna remarked.

Her grandmother smiled. "You were such a beautiful bride; when your father saw you for the first time when you stepped out of the bride's room at the church, he had to look away because he had tears in his eyes."

Johanna glanced at her, a small amount of skepticism in her eyes.

"I was there," Sarah stated; "I saw what you didn't, darling. It was an emotional moment for him. You have good memories in that brain of yours, you just need to dig for them a little…like that memory you were telling Jim about not so long ago; when you went to a business dinner with your father and he took you to the theater afterwards and bought you a flower…that's a good memory, isn't it?"

She smiled as she nodded. "Yeah; it is…we didn't have a lot of one on one time like that; but it was nice that night."

Sarah returned her smile. "And what about when he came to see you the day you had Katie; he came in the early afternoon when he was supposed to be at work."

"That's a good memory too," Johanna replied. "I still have that little teddy bear he brought Katie. He almost throttled a nurse for delaying her bottle," she said with a laugh; "And I was glad for it; my hormones were all over the map and the more Katie cried the more upset I got. I was glad he was there…he took care of the problem."

"Like fathers do," Sarah said warmly.

"Yeah…and when we were in that car accident; he came and got me and Katie; he bought her a happy meal and took us home, called the insurance and took control of everything until Jim got home."

"He showed you in little ways how much he cared," her grandmother remarked; "And I don't want you to think I'm brow beating you or discounting what you've gone through with him, I don't; and as you know, I blame myself for the way things were between you and Frank…but I want you to know that you were and still are loved by your father. I want you to remember the little things like those moments when he was there, making you feel safe, taking care of things when you couldn't in that moment. You do need to hold on to the good moments; let them heal you. It won't be so hard to remember him or think of him if you even things out and remember those good moments."

Johanna gave a nod. "I'm going to try…I want to remember the good times. I have enough bad memories…memories that make the bad ones with Dad seem relatively nice."

"I know…and you need to remember that it's time to start letting go of some of those feelings as well. You can't allow them to rule you, Johanna. You can't allow them to keep you suffocated and fearful."

"I'm trying," she stated; a touch of defensiveness in her tone.

Sarah smiled softly. "Don't get upset…you don't seem like yourself this morning, kitten; what's wrong?"

"You don't really seem like yourself either," Johanna commented; deflecting the question away from herself.

"I suppose I'm not quite myself today," her grandmother replied. "But why don't you tell me what's on your mind?"

"Don't you already know? You're the one with that mind reading ability."

"I told you, I don't use it all the time…now talk to me; tell me what's going on in that mind of yours."

Johanna swallowed hard. "It's just that I have this feeling that this is your last visit."

Her grandmother smiled sadly. "I'm afraid you're right about that."

The tears came without warning, spilling down her cheeks before she could even think of stopping them. "I feel like we were just starting to get to know each other better…it isn't fair, you come here and I get attached to you and now you're going to leave…and I'll be left to mourn you too."

Sarah shook her head. "I don't want you to mourn me; I'm with you all the time, darling; you know that…and I'll let you know that I'm around; just like I've been doing when you don't see me. I'll be here, don't you worry. If you talk to me, I'll listen as always…"

"But you won't answer," Johanna murmured; the tears still falling.

"Don't be so sure of that," her grandmother replied. "It may not always be like this, but if there's an answer I need to give you, I'll find a way. And I'll give you signs, remember, the cardinal in winter and the mockingbird in the summer."

"I know, but it's not the same…can't you come once in awhile; you mentioned that maybe you could."

"Christmas," Sarah stated. "I'll come at Christmas time…and no, it won't be like Mr. Dickens's Christmas Carol."

"You promise you'll come?"

"Yes, darling; I'll come around during the holiday…maybe sometime in the summer too. But I'm still going to be here, even if you can't see me. I'm watching over you and listening when you need to talk. I don't want you to forget the things you've learned from your visits; I want you to keep moving forward, keep fighting…be my brave, sassy girl. You can do this; I know you can; you've already overcame so much; you can make it."

Johanna swiped at the tears on her cheeks. "I'm going to miss you…this."

Her grandmother nodded, sadness sweeping across her delicate features. "Me too; I've enjoyed our time together like this…it was nice to feel like a real grandmother."

"You are a real grandmother; you're my grandmother."

The spirit's green eyes glittered with emotion. "I love you so much, kitten; don't ever doubt that or forget it."

"I won't…I love you too, Grandma."

Sarah's smile wobbled. "It's not easy for me either, you know."

"But you probably knew it would be that way going in, didn't you?"

"Yes," she murmured.

"And you came anyway?"

Sarah gave a nod. "You're worth it…you're worth far more than you seem to think. It's painful for us to separate now, but I'm so grateful to have had this time with you."

"I am too," Johanna said softly. "I don't want it to end."

"I know…but I'll be back. I'll see you in your dreams, and I'll be back for those visits I promised. I wouldn't lie to you."

"I can't help but be sad; even though you don't want me to mourn."

"I'm sad too," Sarah admitted; "But I have to go back…we both knew it had to be that way."

"It doesn't make it any easier to say goodbye."

The spirit shook her head. "No; it's not goodbye; I refuse to hear that word. It's just 'until next time'…because I'll be back. I can't stay away now…it won't be as often, but I'll be back, I promise."

Johanna sniffled. "I'm going to hold you it."

Sarah rose from the piano bench and rounded the desk, perching on its edge so that she could be closer to her granddaughter. "Good; I want you to. I've made a promise to you, and now I want you to promise me something."

"What?"

"Promise me that you'll remember to find joy, to break free and have fun. Promise me that you won't let Katie walk on you all the time; that you'll talk to Jim like you always have about hard things, even when it makes you nervous. Promise me, you won't lower your head and hide from the world just because of people with cameras and nasty, evil men who lie. Promise you'll keep pushing forward; finding those little pieces of yourself that still need to be put back together. Don't lock yourself away…be free, be you…and if it makes someone angry, if it steps on a few toes at first, it's okay, because they need to let go too. Remember that you are loved, that you matter just as much as Katie and Jim. Remember to think of yourself sometimes; don't forget the things your visitors told you. Keep taking those steps forward; you're going to be just fine…it might get hard, but you're strong, and we're all behind you."

"Can I promise to try?" Johanna asked. "Because I might have a few lapses…you know how I am."

Sarah gave a soft laugh. "Yes; I know how you are…and yes, you can promise to try; but try hard."

"I promise."

"Is there anything we need to talk about?" Sarah asked.

Johanna took a deep breath and exhaled. "I don't think we could ever talk enough, Sarah. I'm always going to think of things we could discuss, even if it's just so I can be selfish and keep you here."

Her grandmother grinned. "Maybe your grandfather's right; maybe you do get a bit of that devious side of your mind from me."

She laughed. "I have a feeling that I probably do get it from you…and Mom."

"Two of the finest people you could inherit from," Sarah quipped.

"Absolutely," Johanna agreed. "I wish I could've seen you and Mom together…I think you two would've gotten along so well."

"We do get along well; but I know what you mean; you wished you could've seen us together when you were growing up."

"Yeah…I wish for a lot of things sometimes."

"We all do," Sarah assured. "But trust me, darling; you're going to be just fine; and one day, you're going to look back at this and realize that you made it and that no one kept you down."

"I don't know if I could say that no one kept me down…because sometimes it feels like I'm being held down," she murmured.

"I know…that was part of the purpose of these visits; to help you realize you can cut yourself free from that feeling," her grandmother remarked.

"I dreaded these visits when you told me about them…and now I'm grateful I've gotten to talk to the people who came, no matter the reason. It's been a strange experience, but not a bad one, not like I feared," Johanna admitted.

"Are you going to tell Jim about our visits?" Sarah asked.

"I don't know. I keep going back and forth on it. I guess despite what he says and his own experience with you, thanks to your popping into his dreams; I'm still afraid he'll think I'm crazy."

"He won't," Sarah assured, "He'll understand and he'll believe."

Johanna breathed deeply and exhaled the breath slowly as she contemplated it once more. "I might tell him."

"It's up to you, dear; there's no pressure…but he knows something is going on."

"I know…there isn't much that I can keep from him; although I'm sure he'd beg to differ given the last thirteen years."

The spirit studied her for a long moment. "I thought you were going to start letting that go?"

"How can I when it's always there?" she asked.

"It's there because you keep holding on to it."

"It's not all me, Sarah," she reminded her. "It's the world at large."

"I know but if you let go, the outside noise won't matter so much. What happened doesn't define you, Johanna."

She scoffed a little. "Yeah; it kind of does."

"It doesn't," her grandmother said firmly; "At least not if you don't allow it. Bad things happen, you have to do things you don't like, sometimes the choice you make hurts someone, but it has to be done anyway because it's the right thing to do and you have no choice. You don't have to feel the guilt every day; you don't have to feel shame and self loathing every day of your life. You can choose to say "I did what I had to do, it was justified and I'm making amends, it won't rule me any longer"."

"It would be easier if it didn't hurt so much," Johanna murmured. "Will it ever stop hurting? Will it ever stop dogging my heels?"

Sarah gave a nod. "It'll take time but one day it'll be a mild ache that doesn't bother you enough to give it much attention. It'll stop weighing you down when you break free and live life to the fullest. You keep looking for someone else to set you free, Johanna; but only you have that power. You've done it before…first when you got on that plane and you left Wyoming and came home to New York. You didn't get the reception you were hoping for but you stayed, you kept fighting, you found your way. Then you broke free again, you helped find the man responsible for your troubles…you took it upon yourself to draw him out and take him down…and it led to you leaving Katie's home and coming back to your own. You allowed Jim to help you crawl into a protective bubble so you could hide quietly…but you broke free and went out and bought a car that he said you couldn't have. You got scared by the media, crawled back in that hole…and then you crawled back out and got in your car and regained some independence again. You know how to break the cages open that contain you…you have it in you to break a few more, so do it, darling. Break free, you're at the time of your life where you have enough money in the bank that you don't have to work, your child is raised and you and your husband are still vital and active…go have adventures, be spontaneous, have fun, do everything you always wanted to do when you got to this point. You had dreams and plans for this time of your life…you've made it home and you and Jim are happy together, they're obtainable."

"I can't go anywhere too adventurous," Johanna stated. "I have to wait until June before I'd be able to apply for a passport; any issues with my identity should be straightened out by then."

"You don't need to leave the country; you and Jim have had plenty of adventures in this country and you can find more. Stop worrying about what people think or feel; it's not your issue; it's theirs. You've done all you can; and as your visitors have pointed out, now you're at the time where you can step back and leave it in their hands to make the next move. I know it's not easy to relinquish that control or the idea, but kitten, you have to. You have what truly matters, your husband, your daughter, your brother, nephews, nieces, and as your father mentioned; the friend you need will find you before too long, don't you worry about that. Relax, breathe, don't lose yourself as you try to heal everyone else. You need healing too…maybe more than anyone. You're a caregiver by nature, just like your mother, but you can't forget yourself. You're just as important…we've all told you that and I hope you believe it."

"I'm trying to," she replied; "But I suppose it's hard to think that when the most important people to me are Jim and Katie."

"I understand that," Sarah said softly; "But you're important to them; and if you're important to them, than you should be important to yourself because you make them happy, because they want you to feel better. I know it's rocky with Katie; the road between mothers and daughters isn't always easy, but you can navigate the bumps; you know how. You know that you need to let her go, let her miss you a little so she'll come back on her own. She has to let go of her issues; Jim has to let go of his and you have to let go of yours. None of you will find the healing you need until you do. I'm not going to sugar coat things; things could get hard in the months to come with this trial and the media and all of that…there might be tension; but I don't want you to be afraid. Everything will be fine, you'll get through it, you'll find your way…but you need to find that moment to break free too. It has to be wearying to carry so much all the time."

"It is," Johanna admitted.

Sarah gave her a sympathetic smile. "Then start lightening the load, darling. Don't allow Katie to shove her issues onto your shoulders; a lot of them are of her own making, not yours. Don't let Jim's fears keep you caged and suffocated; you won't help him that way. Be the woman he's always known you to be and do what it is that you want. He might get angry but he'll survive and he'll get over it as always."

"It's just hard," she whispered. "I knew it wouldn't be easy…I just never expected it to be this hard either."

The spirit nodded. "I know…but our best victories are the ones that were the hardest to achieve…and I'd say you already achieved a lot and there's more to come. It's going to be okay. Trust me."

"I have to trust you," Johanna said with a wobbly smile; "You're my grandmother…I'm pretty sure there's a law against not trusting your grandmother."

Sarah laughed merrily. "If there's not a law about that, there should be!"

"I'll write my congress person…once they appoint a new one," she quipped.

Sarah gave her a wink. "You do that."

It grew quiet between them, a feeling of impending loss wrapping around Johanna. "I really am going to miss you."

"You don't have to miss me; I'm always around, you know that."

"But not like this."

"I know…but I already promised that I'd be back."

"That doesn't mean I can't be sad to see you go…even if it's just for now."

"You're right; I can't lecture you about being entitled to your feelings and then tell you that you shouldn't feel sadness about something," her grandmother replied.

"That's right; you have to practice what you preach," Johanna quipped.

Sarah arched a brow at her, amusement on her face. "Now, now, kitten; let's not forget that I'm your elder."

"It's hard to keep that in mind when you don't look like a grandmother."

"Well, my dear; you don't look like you're 61; you still look like you could easily pass for being in your 40s…but I know your age."

"I know yours too," Johanna remarked. "I'm just nice enough not to mention it, because it's up there, you know."

The spirit glared at her but it lacked bite. "Yes, I know; it's crossed the hundred threshold."

"It not only crossed it, it crawled down the hallway to 100 and…"

"Don't say it!" Sarah exclaimed. "Just don't even say it. I'm an old woman and I know it…and you better start letting go of things and enjoying yourself before you get to be an old woman. Remember, you're still young enough to have fun and find joy. Don't squander it hiding from the world."

"I won't…but you already gave me that lecture; you just don't want to talk about your age; but hey, you look good for 117."

Sarah gasped. "You said it! You little brat!"

Johanna laughed. "Well you practically dared me to say it."

The spirit gave her a glare and with a flick of her wrist, whipped up a gust of wind that knocked a line of books from the shelf of the bookcase.

"Pick those up!" Johanna demanded.

"No."

"Pick them up, Sarah."

"No, I'm not," she replied haughtily. "You will pick them up and that will teach you to sass your grandmother."

"Hey, you said my age first."

"Yes, but yours is a much younger number; and like I pointed out, you're still in a position to live life to the fullest; you've got your health, your looks, a husband and money in the bank to do with what you please."

"I've gotten the message, Sarah."

"Good; I do hate to brow beat you."

"You have a funny way of showing it."

Another row of books toppled from the shelf. "Still sassing me, kitten?"

Johanna smiled at her. "You wouldn't want me any other way."

Sarah grinned. "I suppose that's true…but start sassing some other people as well; they need it more than I do; I'm on your side."

"I know," she murmured. "It was done with affection."

"I know, dear."

Johanna sighed, knowing their visit was probably drawing to an end. "Are you going to pick up those books?"

"No; it'll give you something else to do when our visit is over."

"Uh huh, any excuse will do."

Sarah smirked at her but her gaze was warm and loving. "You and I are birds of a feather, darling."

"That's what Bridget always says…she says she and I are birds of a feather."

"It's true…and you see, we're never really separated when you also have Bridget in your life; she's a part of me, just like I'm a part of you."

Johanna felt her throat growing tight, the tears stinging her eyes once more. "You're leaving now, aren't you?"

Her grandmother gave a slight nod. "I should probably go before it gets any harder for both of us."

She couldn't suppress the whimper that escaped her lips. "I hate this part," she murmured.

"Me too," Sarah replied. "But even when you don't see me, I'm here. Even if you don't feel physical evidence of me surrounding you, I'm there in your heart. I'm never far away…and if you talk, I'll listen like always. I'll be back once in awhile. Remember what everyone has told you; keep those talks close to your heart, and most of all, Johanna Elizabeth McKenzie Beckett; remember that you are loved; not only by those on this earthly plane with you but also by those of us who have had to move on. You are loved…so very loved, always."

The tears trickled down her cheeks. "I love you too…all of you."

The spirit gave her a wobbly smile and rose from her perch, her arms held open. "Give me a hug, darling; I need one more. I know you still don't understand how it's possible to feel it or allow it, but remember, ours is not to question why."

"I remember," Johanna whispered as she rose from her chair and moved into the spirit's embrace, holding on as tightly as she could, breathing in the soft scent of Chanel No. 5 that filled the air around them. 'You promise you'll let me know you're here?"

"I promise," Sarah murmured, giving her one last tight squeeze before pulling back and pressing a feather light kiss to her forehead before bumping her chin with a pale knuckle. "As your grandfather always says, keep your chin up, lass."

"I'll do my best for you…for all of you; I won't disappoint you."

"Do your best for you," the spirit replied. "You've never disappointed us; you don't have to worry about that. I better be going now…but don't say that word."

"What word?"

"The 'g' word…I've never been fond of that word; I never saw anything good about saying bye, so why say goodbye? I'd rather say, until next time…it's more hopeful, is it not?"

"It is," Johanna agreed; swiping away a few tears as her smile wobbled.

A soft smile slid across Sarah's lips. "Until next time, darling."

"Until next time, Grandma," she said softly.

Her grandmother gave her one last encouraging smile and then she faded from view, leaving Johanna alone in the office once more. She remained standing at her desk, feeling the emptiness that suddenly filled the room and her gaze flicked to the pile of books Sarah had left on the floor. The ache of loss filled her…how could Sarah expect her not to mourn her now that she knew her? The tears came rapidly, a soft sob wracking her frame.

The sound of an angry bird outside caught her attention and she turned to the window to see a cardinal sitting outside on the bush beneath the window, its feathers puffed up in indignation as it looked at her and carried on its racket. She smiled. "I know what you said, Sarah; I know you don't want me to mourn…but could you give an hour or two anyway?"

The cardinal shook off the puffiness of its red feathers, returning to it's usual sleek lines, it's expression softer and it's voice giving a soft chirp as if it had understood and was giving permission to the woman on the other side of the glass.

"Thank you," she replied quietly, moving to the books on the floor. She picked them up and placed them back on the shelves as she allowed herself to cry, the cardinal keeping vigil at the window until her short period of mourning was over.

When she had wiped away the last of her tears and put a small stack of folders on her desk to go over for Jim, she glanced at the window and gave the bird a small smile. "I'm okay, Sarah," she stated. "Jim will be home in a little while."

The cardinal chirped and flew away from its perch and she watched it until it disappeared from view. She'd be glad when Jim got home; she needed his presence to fill the house and soothe her heart…and maybe she'd finally tell him what had been going on with her ghostly encounters.

 _Author's Note: Jo and Jim will have a little chat in the next chapter and then it'll be finished!_


	12. Chapter 12

_Author's Note: As always thank you for your reviews and support for this little side endeavor; I loved writing this story so much and I'm glad some of you gave it a chance!_

Chapter 12- Seeing is Believing 

Jim noticed Johanna's quiet demeanor that evening but he hadn't commented on it; waiting instead to see if his wife would bring up whatever it was that was on her mind on her own without any prodding. He felt like she held back a good many of her thoughts; figuring they'd upset or anger him or Kate; that she had no right to whatever it was she was thinking…or any other reason his wife might come up with to hold back the words. He knew her well…he knew she could conjure up fifty different excuses in a matter of moments if she needed to…and he knew that he was to blame for some of that. He didn't always react well to things she did or said and his behavior sometimes left her doubtful of how to proceed if a similar situation came up.

He quietly exhaled a weighted breath as he watched her while she sat at her vanity, rubbing her strawberry scented lotion on her hands. He hoped the topic wasn't a tough one tonight; they always made it through those little bumps in the road when they came up but he'd like to avoid a new one for awhile; after all, they'd already discussed her need to indulge in a little bit of his legal work and they'd talked about how she still had occasional worries about his past issues with alcohol. He knew that conversation hadn't been easy for her to broach; the last time it had came up between them it had resulted in a bit of a fight. He was glad that things had gone differently this time around…of course that might be because he managed to keep calm and not take her words the wrong way.

Jim glanced away from his wife for a moment, not wanting her to pick up on the fact that he was staring at her. She'd clam up more if she thought he knew that something was bothering her…although why she thought she could hide it from him was beyond him. He quickly wracked his brain for any sign that he might've done something that had bothered her, or something that he might've said that upset her. He couldn't think of anything…but as every man learned early in life; even when you were sure you did nothing, a woman could tell you otherwise in fifty different ways. God, he hoped it wasn't him…and if it was him, hopefully it was a minor offense that could be solved by him asking forgiveness and handing over the standard apology rose the next day.

Finally, his wife slipped her rings back on her fingers and rose from the seat of her vanity and moved across the room toward their bed, slipping off her robe as she did so. His breath caught; she had been home for months but sometimes it still slammed into him and amazed him that she was really there, going through the same routines he'd watched her go through so many times before. He breathed deeply, he was still so thankful; and as she slipped into her spot next to him and turned to say something, he caught her lips in a kiss and silenced her words. "I love you," he murmured, his fingertips brushing along the line of her jaw.

"I love you too," Johanna said softly; allowing him to draw her back for another kiss.

The sudden reminder of how grateful he was to have her back made Jim forget his suspicion that something was on her mind and he continued to keep her lips occupied with kisses, his hands tugging her closer so that he could properly enfold her in his arms.

She sank into his embrace for a moment, allowing herself to forget the topic of ghosts for a few minutes until she felt him gently pushing her backwards to lay her down. She put a hand between them and softly pressed against his chest. "Not tonight," she murmured as his eyes met her.

Her husband smiled; a hint of mischief in his eyes. "Can't blame me for trying; can you?" he asked, his fingers rubbing against the soft material of her purple pajama top.

"No, I suppose not," she replied; a smile of her own sliding across her lips as he continued to toy with her shirt. "But it's still not going to happen tonight."

"I know when you mean it," he chuckled. "I wasn't going to try and persuade you."

Amusement lit up her eyes as she peeled his fingers away from her shirt. "Are you sure about that?"

"I just like the feel of the material," Jim replied. "It's soft, it feels silky but I know it's not silk…what is it?"

She shrugged. "I'm not sure; I just like it…that's why I got a few sets in different colors."

"Any excuse to shop will do," he quipped.

Johanna gave him an amused glare. "Comments like that make me glad I turned you down tonight."

"Past history shows that I usually only have to wait patiently for you to change your mind," he said with a grin as he reached for the remote.

She smiled but he saw her demeanor change a bit; that pensive look stealing across her features as she toyed with the emerald ring on her right hand. "What's on your mind tonight, Jo?" he asked

"Can we talk?" she asked; her tone quiet and unsure.

"Always, you know that," Jim replied; a small feeling of trepidation sliding down his spine. "What do you want to talk about?"

Johanna bit her lip; hesitation gnawing at her. "Ghosts," she finally murmured.

He gave a slight nod. "That seems to be a popular topic around here lately. What about them?"

She met his eye and held his gaze. "Do you promise not to have me committed if I tell you?"

Jim gave her an understanding smile. "Sweetheart; I promise; I'd never have you committed. What's going on?"

This felt so awkward to explain, she thought to herself. How did one go about explaining a host of ghostly encounters? "I saw a ghost," she said slowly.

"I've suspected that for awhile now," he replied.

She nodded in acknowledgment; her hand raking through her hair. "It's been more than once…she's kind of hung around."

"So it is a she as you've been eluding to all along?"

"Yes."

Jim shifted a bit to better see his wife's face. "Would her name be Sarah…like I've mentioned before?"

"Yes," she whispered. "The first time I saw her was when I took flowers to the cemetery for her and Grandpa. I thought I was losing my mind…or worse; but she assured me I wasn't…and I know that this all does sound crazy but I swear it's true."

"Jo; it's been obvious that there's a ghost in this house…it's not hard for me to believe that you saw her. I'm guessing that Sarah followed you home that day in a manner of speaking?"

"You could say that?"

"Do you talk to her?" he asked. "Or is she just hanging around without a word?"

She looked nervous as she made her confession. "I talk to her…"

"Does she answer?"

Johanna nodded. "Yeah; she definitely does that…she's got plenty to say."

"About what?" he asked.

She smiled a little. "Everything…in true grandmother fashion."

Although Jim had suspected all along that Johanna knew more than she claimed about their ghostly guest; it still felt a bit odd to hear her admit it. He believed her without a doubt; there was too much evidence not to…but it wasn't a conversation he had ever envisioned them having outside of the Balfour Hotel in Pennsylvania. "Why has Sarah made her presence known now?" he questioned.

"I believe it boils down to the fact that she feels like I needed her…she's been looking out for me since I was born. Sarah's talked to me about a lot of things; about everything she's been there for in my life; about Wyoming...things that are going on currently; you and Katie...me...a lot about me. She's told me about herself and about the family. We've talked about a lot of things...I'll tell you more about the depth of it some other time...it's so weird to talk about this. It feels oddly natural talking to her…I can almost forget that she's a ghost…but telling you, I feel like I sound crazy."

Jim shook his head. "No; you don't sound crazy…I think it's fascinating; you know I've always liked to watch those shows where people share their ghost experience."

"Yeah; but who would've thought we'd have one here in our own home?"

"It's alright; she's family…I believe you; I don't think you're crazy."

"Why not?" Johanna asked. "You'd think even a believer might have a tiny bit of skepticism."

He breathed deeply and decided maybe it was time to make his own confession. "Does your Sarah wear a green dress?"

She nodded as she eyed him with a hint of suspicion. "Yes; why?"

"Because I've seen her," he said quietly. "I told you I saw her in that dream…and I've seen her here once."

"Here?" she asked; trying to decipher if he meant the house in general or there in their room.

"Yeah; I saw her once…here in this room."

Johanna eyed him; searching for a tell that he was just messing with her mind because she was telling her own story but she found no evidence. He was telling the truth. "When was this?"

"That night you wanted to go out and I hesitated…I saw her then; she told me I had peas for brains," he said with a chuckle.

"That sounds like her," she admitted as she continued to eye him. "She wasn't the reason you changed your mind, is it?"

"No," he replied with a shake of his head. "But knowing that I've seen her too should reassure you that I think you're perfectly sane…and that if we've both seen the same ghost it's pretty good evidence that the experience was real and that neither one of us is crazy."

"That's true," Johanna said slowly as the comment sank in and seemed perfectly logical. "But I…"

"You what?"

"I've seen more than one ghost," she whispered. "I've seen more than just Sarah the last several days."

His brow rose. "There's more running around here?"

Johanna shook her head. "It's hard to explain…despite you believing it still sounds insane, but others have came…Sarah called them visitations. It's always been while I was here alone, one at a time, ever since Sarah came around."

Jim's fingers curled around hers, trying to give her some extra reassurance that he wasn't going to have her committed. "That would probably explain why you've been a little off at times for the last several days."

"You still believe me?"

"Why wouldn't I?" he asked. "If I can believe that we both saw one ghost; why not believe that you've seen others?"

"I don't know," she said with a shrug. "I guess it's just…awkward to talk about."

"What made you decide to tell me?"

"I don't really know," Johanna admitted. "I guess because we've already kind of talked about it; like you said, we can't deny that there's been a ghost hanging around…and I wanted to tell someone…and I always tell you my secrets; you're my best friend."

He squeezed her hand. "You're my best friend too."

She smiled and leaned closer to offer him a soft kiss. "I'm just glad you're not having me committed."

"Not a chance of that sweetheart," he replied. "Who else has come for a visit besides Sarah?"

"My mother," she said softly. "Mama came…she was the first after Sarah."

Jim gave her a small smile. "I should've guessed that Naomi would come around. She'd never miss a chance to be with you. What was it like to see her?"

"It was good…and it was painful," Johanna murmured. "We talked, she lectured, we bickered…and saying goodbye to her for a second time ripped me apart inside."

"I don't doubt that," he said gently. "As for the rest; you and Naomi are known for your talks, lectures and occasional bickering…it must've been like old times."

She gave a short quiet laugh and then filled him in on some of the details of the conversation. "I wish she was here," she murmured tearfully once she was finished. "Seeing her like that, it only made me miss her more."

Jim pulled her into his arms. "I wish she was here too, sweetheart. But at least you know she's around; she's watching over you."

"I know," she whispered as she wiped her tears away. "It is a comfort to know that for sure…but still…"

He nodded. "I know. Who else surprised you?"

Johanna took a breath and then met his eye. "Your mother came."

"My mother!?" he exclaimed. "Elizabeth Beckett?"

She laughed a little. "Yeah; that's her."

"Are you sure?"

"Positive; I found it hard to believe that she popped in too…she was the last person I expected."

"I bet," he said with a laugh. "I'm kind of glad that she did though; now I know for sure she made it…up there…and you know…"

"Didn't go the other way?" Johanna asked in amusement.

He nodded; a grin playing on his lips as he squeezed his neck. "Yeah…let's face it; she did do some pretty despicable things at times; I did sometimes worry that she might've gone the other way."

"You can rest easy," she assured him. "She made it."

"That's good to know. What did you talk about…or fight about, if past history is any indication."

She brushed back a lock of hair. "We talked about how we liked fighting with each other…and she told me to quit saying that she's laughing at me because she's not. She told me I didn't break my promise to take care of you…"

"I could've told you that," Jim said quietly; his fingertips rubbing against her hand. "You were taking care of me and Katie by going away; you were afraid for our safety."

"I know; but it doesn't make me feel any better," she replied. "But we also talked about past memories…it was a good talk actually."

"Why did she come though; you told me that Naomi came to give you advice…what did my mother come for?"

"To talk about you," she said softly.

"That's what I was afraid of," he muttered.

Johanna rubbed her hand against his arm. "You don't need to be…she told me to tell you that she loves you and she's proud of you."

He scoffed lightly. "How can she be proud of some of the things I've done? I don't think she'd be happy to know about how I spent five years trying to drown myself in alcohol."

She gave a soft shake of her head. "She understands, Jim. She's not ashamed of you; she's the one who encouraged me to talk to you about my worries…she told me you'd understand."

"I did…at least this time. I still feel badly about that time after we visited Bridget."

"I know," she murmured; "But you don't need to. We got through it…and maybe we needed to have a little fight to release some pressure."

"Maybe we did," he agreed.

"But don't go thinking that your mother is ashamed or disappointed; she's far from that. That's why she wants me to remind you that she loves you and she's proud of you. I have no doubt that she knows you feel she'd be disappointed…that's probably why she wanted me to pass along the message. She loves you so much."

"I love her too," he said quietly. "I miss her."

"Me too," Johanna said as she wrapped him in a hug. "I miss them all."

Jim sighed as he gave her a squeeze and then released her. "Anything else about that visit I should know?"

"No…"

He smiled in understanding as she trailed off. "It's alright if you want to keep some things to yourself."

"Thank you."

"It's not a problem…you are allowed to have some things just for yourself…just nothing majorly important; okay?"

"Okay," she agreed; her fingers gripping his for a moment.

"Did you see my father?" he asked; a somewhat hopeful note in his tone.

Her heart ached a little; wishing that she could say yes so that she could assure him that Robert was fine and at peace; better yet, she wished that if he could have a visitor himself that it could be his father. "No, honey; I didn't see him…but I was told that he's always with you; looking out for you just like always. He loves you and he's still proud of you."

Sarah had expressed the same sentiment to him when he had seen her that evening Johanna had wanted to go out, Jim recalled; but it felt better to hear confirmation of it coming from his wife's lips. "Anyone else from my family?" he inquired.

Johanna shook her head. "No; but I did see Grandma Sophia…she was the least stressful of my…special guests, I guess we'll call them."

Jim smiled. "She didn't do any lecturing in Italian?"

"No; she just told me that I needed to have more fun."

"Is that what brought about your spontaneous date night?"

"Yes," she admitted softly. "It doesn't change how you feel about it, does it?"

"No, sweetheart; nothing could make me change the way I feel about that night; it was wonderful; it was just what we needed," he said; an amused grin sliding across his lips. "I always enjoyed when Sophia gave advice; it usually implied that I should have my way with you…if memory serves; she gave that advice before we were even dating."

Johanna laughed. "True on both counts."

"Was that the only thing you talked about?"

"No; we talked a little about Colleen."

Jim's brow rose. "What about her?"

"That she's a brat…and Grandma tries to haunt her but she keeps brushing her off as indigestion."

He laughed. "Well she should send Sarah over there to throw a tantrum; Colleen couldn't miss that."

"I didn't think of that," Johanna replied. "That wouldn't be a bad idea."

"Can you imagine the look on her face?" he chuckled. "That would be priceless."

"It would be," she agreed. "I'd want a video of it…I'd post it online."

"Wouldn't the Westons love that?" Jim laughed.

"Oh yeah; that would be a moment of glory," she said with a grin. "It's too bad we can't arrange that."

"Can't you ask Sarah to do that?"

"Probably not."

"Have you seen Sarah a lot?" Jim asked; his curiosity getting the better of him.

"I've seen her a good bit…she pops in whenever she wants...and I've called for her a few times and she's appeared. We've talked a lot."

"Good talks?"

"Yeah; I think so."

"Have you gotten to touch any of them?" he asked; "Is it even possible…I mean I've heard of ghosts touching people, but…"

"Sometimes I could touch," she admitted. "I asked Sarah how it was possible and she said 'ours is not to question why'."

He gave a nod of understanding. "What does it feel like?"

Johanna frowned a little as she tried to think of the best words to describe the experience. "Sarah hugged me…a few times actually; she felt as real as you and I; but it was also a little odd; because there was no warmth to be felt…I could feel her love; just not the warmth; do you know what I mean?"

"Yeah; you didn't feel the warmth of her body; because there was no warmth to be had."

"Right…when it's happening it feels right and you just want to cling to the person; but when it's over, you think about how different it felt from what you remember. You're holding on tightly but it's like it's not enough; they feel real, and yet you can't hold on right, because they aren't entirely whole like you and I…this all seems weird and crazy…I'm probably explaining it badly."

"No," he said with a shake of his head. "I understand what you mean…it's like you're not hugging a whole person; because in reality, you're not. It's a spirit; and it's different."

"Yes," she said; a hint of relief in her tone that he understood what she was saying.

"Do you know they're coming before they get here? Is there a sign? I saw Sarah that one time but nothing stands out as being unusual before hand."

"The room gets cold," Johanna told him. "The heat can be on and running and it'll still get so cold; sometimes the lights flicker too. Usually it's the coldness that tips me off. Sarah's been in the kitchen with us a few times…you might remember mentioning a chill in the air."

"You're right; I do…I asked you if the furnace was working."

She nodded. "It was…it was just that Sarah was there."

"What about the times when you don't see her but she's here making mischief? Are there signs beforehand then?"

"No; things only seem different when she appears."

"What all have you and Sarah discussed about our current situation? I know you said you'd go into more detail later but I can't help wondering."

Johanna explained some of what she and Sarah had discussed during their visits; although she did keep some things to herself as Jim said she could.

"So it can be said that Sarah came because she felt like you needed her; she wanted to let you know that you've never really been alone…and to give you a few little nudges to help you move on from all of this that were currently stuck in with the trial and media and all of that?" Jim said.

"Yes; I guess you could say that."

"And Naomi came to give you parenting advice…and the standard mom lectures that all mothers are good for?"

Johanna nodded. "Yes; she covered all those areas."

"And my mother came to encourage you to talk to me about your worries," Jim said.

"That's right…and to give me her version of maternal lecturing."

"I'm sorry to hear that," he remarked with a wry smile.

"Don't be; it was a relief…she was being a little too nice; it unnerved me."

Jim laughed. "I can understand how it would; all things considered. Sophia visited to encourage you to have more fun and to basically tell you that she's not happy with Colleen either."

"Yes."

"Has anything they've said or done made any difference in how you think or feel?" he asked.

"In some ways," she murmured. "I'm not really ready to take the 'let her go' approach with Katie that's been volleyed around by them all; but I did take Liz's advice and I talked to you about my worries even though it was hard for me to do that…especially after the last time. I took Sarah's advice…and her pointy finger in my back and asked you to let me help with your work."

"Her pointy finger?" her husband questioned.

"I told you she's been in the kitchen with us…when I'd shy away from the topic she'd poke me or flick me…she was there the whole time."

"Which is why she popped up in my dream night, right?" Jim asked.

"Yes; and I wasn't too happy with her for that. I wanted you to make the decision on your own."

"She only did it because she loves you," he said quietly. "She wants what's best for you…and maybe I needed to hear what she said."

"In that case; I can forgive her for a little meddling," Johanna replied. "Of course I've found that it's hard to stay mad at her."

Jim smiled. "It must be a trait that you inherited from her…and Naomi."

"Maybe so," she smiled.

"So they all came to give you something they felt you needed," he said; as he put all the pieces together.

"Yeah…but there was one more visitor that hasn't been mentioned."

"Who?"

Johanna toyed with the emerald ring on her finger. "My father," she whispered.

"Frank?" he asked; a touch of surprise in his voice.

"Mhmm…it surprised me too…I really didn't think he'd come...I wasn't sure I even wanted him to come."

Jim's mind worked quickly; thinking back a day or two before. "Is that why you were watching our wedding video the other day? You said he was on your mind…was he on your mind because he had been here?"

"Yes," she confessed.

His hand found hers once again; offering comfort as he felt a hint of anguish rolling off of her. "Was he cruel to you?" he asked quietly. "Was it like old times?"

"There was a moment when he said something harsh," Johanna said softly; "But he apologized; and once that was out of the way; it went better."

"What was the reason for his visit?" Jim asked.

"I guess to make our peace," she answered.

Jim wasn't sure how to wade into those waters; talking about Frank had never been easy for her; and after he had died, it had only seemed harder for her. He knew she carried a lot of hurt and anger in regard to her father and he tried to always respect her feelings and not push her too much to discuss those feelings if she didn't want to…but this experience that she had; his curiosity wouldn't allow him to ignore; because a part of him wished he could have the chance to see his own father; even if it was only for a few minutes. He just had to know…he had to know if anything had been eased inside her heart in regard to Frank. "How did that go?" he asked. "Did he go into more detail about his reasons for his behavior? Did you get to ask your questions?"

"Yeah; I got to ask some questions."

"Did you get answers…or at least something close to them?"

She nodded. "Yes; I feel like I did…but you know; it didn't really make it feel better. I felt a little worse."

"Why, sweetheart?"

"Because he was different than I'm used to," she said softly. "He was like he was with his grandchildren…gentle, kinder…telling me about fond memories he has of my childhood; the reason why he picked the song we danced to at our wedding. It was strange…and it hurt to know that he could be that way and that I rarely got to have that side of him. It didn't have to be the way it was…but it can't be changed. It hurts…and maybe I can't really explain exactly how it felt..."

"I think I get it," Jim said as he pulled her in for another hug. "It hurt because you didn't get that side of him when he was living…and on the other hand, it was probably nice to talk to him that way; wasn't it? You didn't have to worry much about what was said?"

Johanna nodded as she clung to her husband. "It was nice…that's what made it hurt so much."

"I'm sorry," he murmured.

"It's not your fault," she whispered. "You're the one who's always loved me the way I needed to be loved."

"And I always will," Jim assured her as he held her tighter. "I know things get hard sometimes; but you don't ever have to worry; I'm always going to love you no matter what."

"I love you too; no matter what."

"Do you feel like you've made your peace with Frank now?" he asked after kissing her and releasing her from his embrace.

"I think so," she admitted. "He asked me to try and remember the good memories between us more than the bad so I've been trying to do that…and a few I had forgotten about have come back to me."

"Good; I want you to have good memories of him to think of instead of always thinking of the bad ones. Did he give you any other advice? Anything else you want to share about it?"

Johanna went a little deeper in detail about her father's visit; satisfying his curiosity without hesitation now that she felt completely comfortable to do so. "He was my last visitor," she said when she had finished.

"Who do you think will be next?" he asked.

"No one…Sarah said he was the last visitor."

"It's over?"

She nodded. "That's what she said…they were just coming to give me what they thought I needed."

"What about Sarah?" Jim asked. "Will you still see her? Will she be mad that you told me?"

Johanna shook her head. "No; she said I could tell you…but I won't be seeing her anymore…at least not for awhile. She said she might pop in some time down the road though."

He frowned a little; he had already kind of gotten used to the spirit's mischievous presence. "She's gone? No more temper tantrums? No more phones playing music randomly?"

"Oh she said she'll still be around," she replied; "I don't rule out the occasional mischief from her that will let us know she's here."

He smiled a little. "I have to admit; I'm kind of glad to hear that…it would seem weird now for her not to make herself known once in awhile."

Johanna smiled. "You don't mind if Sarah hangs around?"

"No; not at all; she's harmless…or at least mostly."

"What do you mean mostly?"

"Well she does have a bad temper," Jim replied; a grin tugging at his lips. "I'd say it equals yours and I know that can be dangerous."

Johanna smirked at him as she swatted his shoulder. "I don't know what you're talking about."

"I'm pretty sure you do," he chuckled. "I always thought you got that temper from Frank but I think we might have to back it up a generation and blame it on Sarah."

"I may have mentioned that to her in a round about way," Johanna replied as she and Jim settled in for the night.

"What do you think of her?" Jim asked once Johanna was comfy in her spot and had turned to face him.

"Of Sarah?"

"Yes."

"I wish I could've known her the way I knew Grandma Sophia because that would've been wonderful. I love Sarah; she would've been so great as a full time grandmother. She's warm and witty and feisty…she's so much more than I imagined and so very loving. She reminds me of Mom in a lot of ways; the patience, the understanding, the temper when needed…softness when the moment calls for it. They would've gotten along well. It's actually kind of funny to think that Mom and Sarah seem similar in some ways; you'd think Dad would've married a woman who didn't have any of the qualities that his mother did."

'Well, you know what they say; boys marry girls that remind them of their mothers."

Johanna thought about that for a moment. "That can't be true…I know Katie and Rick aren't married but it's eventually going to go there and she's nothing like Martha."

Jim nodded. "That's true; she's an exception."

A thought dawned on her then and she eyed her husband seriously. "And I damn sure know I'm not like Elizabeth Beckett!"

"That's also true; you don't remind me of my mother at all…except for that one thing."

Her eyes widened. "What thing?"

"When you call me James Robert," he laughed.

"I am nothing like your mother," she repeated. "You just wipe that thought out of your brain."

"You're nothing like her, sweetheart," he chuckled. "You're an exception to the rule."

"I'm not even in the same class as the rule," she remarked.

"Right; we've totally proved that theory wrong about boys marrying girls that remind them of their mother."

She nodded. "I'm glad you see it that way; this night could've taken an ugly turn."

He leaned closer and kissed her goodnight before pulling her close to him. "We wouldn't want this night to take a bad turn; but are you alright?"

"Yes; why wouldn't I be?"

"Well…you know; with these certain special visits you've been having. Are you alright emotionally?"

"Yeah; I think so…it was difficult in some ways; but in other ways I feel like it might've helped me in some areas."

Jim gave a nod; letting her know that he believed her. "If you need to talk about it again; we can…and I mean that about everything; just in case you've forgotten."

A small smile touched Johanna's lips. "I know…but do me a favor; don't tell Katie that I've seen ghosts; she'll have me committed."

"She can't have you committed without my consent and she'd never get it, sweetheart."

"Yes; but remember; you saw Sarah too…she might put both of us away."

"Good point," Jim conceded. "Katie must never know."

"Never," she agreed. "You know how she is…she's a skeptic like your mother."

"Guess my mother isn't a skeptic now though," he quipped wryly.

"That's true…and you better hope she doesn't haunt you for being a smartass."

"She can't," Jim replied. "We're a one ghost household and Sarah has already staked a claim."

"You really don't have a problem believing all of this?" Johanna asked.

"No; I've always believed; you know that. I've seen the evidence; I know you're telling the truth. I know she's around. It'll be our little secret."

She smiled and gave him another kiss goodnight. "I love you, Jim."

"I love you too," he said as he shifted to turn out the light and then returned to her side; tucking her close to him once more. "Try and get some sleep."

"Goodnight," Johanna murmured as she settled against him; the weight on her shoulders eased once more.

Jim's phone began to play music and he laughed quietly. "Goodnight, Sarah," he said into the darkness before silencing his phone.

"See, she's still here," his wife said quietly; her tone telling him that there was a smile on her lips even though he couldn't see it at the moment.

Before he could answer; her phone began to play music as well, making her flinch as Jim laughed. "I think she's waiting on you to acknowledge her before you go to sleep."

Johanna moved away from her husband long enough to silence her phone and then she settled back into place. "Goodnight, Sarah," she said softly. "Feel free to visit anytime the mood strikes…you can feel at home here; you're among family…you are loved."

A burst of warmth filled the room; the lights flickering on and off quickly; and Jim was sure that he heard a soft voice whisper " _I love you too, my Josie_."

"She loves you too," he murmured to his wife.

"I know, I heard her too," Johanna whispered; sleepiness beginning to pull at her. "She'll go on her way now; but she'll be back…and I'm glad for it. I was afraid at first, but now I'm not; it feels like a special gift and I cherish it."

"As you should," her husband said quietly; his hand rubbing against her arm soothingly. The motion and his warmth were lulling her and she gave into sleep without a fight; she had a feeling Sarah would be waiting to chat somewhere in her dreams.


End file.
